We are starting a new adventure.
I went to post this entry about a week ago but stopped when I discovered that suddenly I did not have the capacity to change fonts and sizes, which I had before. My investigation, which lasted all this time, concluded that this capability did not come from the blog program but from my Apple computer, and the last update of the Apple made this capability extinct. I am sure they did not mean it to happen.
I apologize for the small letters. I hope that due to my conversations with Apple technicians, the “bug” will be corrected and very soon I’ll be able to use bigger letters again.
The call of the now is the name of the second part of this blog. I thought of choosing to do the second part about abundance. Then I thought of making it deal with the feeling of want that I still experienced. The feeling resided in the upper chest and throat, went up to the jaw and to the back of the neck. This feeling left me for a while between the time of finishing the first part of the blog and just yesterday. During these days it was hard for me to want anything, because the motivations of the past did not have the allure that they had before.
When I looked at this experience of wanting, I realized that I did not even know what it was that I wanted. In order to look at it I needed to move out of it, so to speak, and gain a different perspective. At least this is what I thought. I sat for a while and listened to sounds. This was my meditation method for one year, in my first and second years of meditation. I still love it.
And suddenly I knew what was it that I wanted! The meditation method that came after listening to sounds was to live with a question. Living with a question for me meant wanting to know. And boy, did I want to know. This meditation method has brought me a lot of wonderful experiences and deep knowledge. I lived with the ability to melt everything I met in life into a question. Walls became porous. Trees became the bearers of wonderful stillness. People became transparent. I knew they were there only because they thought that they were. Behind their beliefs there was the same stillness that trees had. Feelings of mine and of others were felt like clouds of scent that hit me and I could know what they were. I suddenly found that I could assist healing from far. Everything changed. I stopped doing this meditation not because I did not like it, but because it made me sick. Living in a state of wanting is not healthy, even if the wanting is spiritual. Now I know that this was not a good way to meditate, and that there must be a better way to ask a question. I also know that there is no way for the spiritual to be wanting. But ten years of doing it had an effect. Put me in a quiet state and this wanting arises. Even, as in the following years I chose to meditate in a much calmer way, the wanting did not go away. I can even say that I have found many answers and the wanting is still with me. What a joke. I just learned to always want. My teacher told me one day that I never knew how to meditate properly, and I got really angry with him (which proves that he was right). But life is the best teacher, because when it insists, you cannot argue with it and life compelled me to change my approach because I could not go on as I did.
So now I know what is it that I wanted. I wanted to know the answer to my meditation question. This method was effective, but could not be sustained. Maybe this is the reason why I came up with the Intuitive Flow method. It is so soft and beautiful, and while it goes very deep you never get tense with it. You get calmer and calmer. Even if you are upset you become calm. This is what I needed.
The call of the now is still being felt.
What is that now, which calls me? Why should I look for the now, while there is no other time ever? It is right here, isn’t it?
But it is not here in the usual way of seeing. Even the word now is an impossible term, as it relates to a tiny piece of time that keeps changing. By the time you finish thinking the word, the now is already a different now. There is no way to catch this now with a method that relies on time. The only way to experience it is by leaving the flow of time and becoming a witness of it. The flow of time is in our thinking only, so we have to leave thinking. Even the term intuitive flow does not make sense any more, if you want to find the now. Every word that we can utter seems to be wrong in this context. So we want to go beyond the words and this is the subject of part two.
Drawing in an intuitive flow and going-in-with-words is better than thinking because it comes from deeper than the thinking mind. It shows us what was the experience of now when the drawing was made, and then: what was the experience of seeing the drawing. But drawings are too things of this world. Drawings can only exist in the world of time and space. Can intuitive flow in drawing direct us to endlessness better than words? Can it direct us at all? This is the issue of part two.
I know when I have to put a posting on the blog. It is when, as I write, the words are snatched out of me in spite of my will, and I feel compelled to put them up. Then I have to follow what I say.