I drew the pain in a way that I never did before. It is a red angry energy, eating away from something green. When I look at the green that is left uneaten it gives me the feeling of the remains of genitals, after an attack was made against them. There is a whole lot of blood and liquid leftovers.
Then I did some pencil lines that seemed as if some clear energy was coming from where the body is, trying to be whole, but, being shocked by the violence, they cave in where the violence was done.
I decide to give each of these three entities their voice and allow them to talk through a drawing.
The red shows that all it wants is to ascend to heaven, and it does not care at all about the body or the earth or anything.
I used to say, when I lost some of my teeth, that I do not worry, because I only need the remaining teeth until I die. This is the way I felt about my body.
So the idealistic red had total disregard for the body.
There are traces of this in Chan literature. We once heard a whole set of evening talks, while on a retreat, about one of China’s old masters who kept telling his students that their bodies are bags of excrements. If this is not hatred toward the body I don’t know what is.
But this went along with what I felt anyway.
Now the green, when I drew what he wanted to say, he wanted to grow up too. He wanted to naturally grow up and align himself with eternity. But kept failing. The green brought the brown along to help it. The brown gave the green a ground, but also the more material substance so it could hold itself erect as it went up. But the brown started to turn down half way through, as all flesh does. It goes up and it goes down afterward. The flesh is cyclical and belongs to the temporary existence.
Then I was about to give the stage to the lines that for me were the ether body, trying to be complete but being in a shock.
But at that time I had to leave this work for some time and when I came back home in the evening I had a book that took me with it somewhere else. It is a book about being who you are and I fell in love with it in a second. Even before I had it I already loved it.
At night, a new way of living with the pain showed up. For a while I have been able to allow the whole body shake from the pain, to allow the whole nervous system to quiver, and at the same time develop the ability to be in a quiet place. So my body relaxes totally, and in this relaxation it twitches and squirms in response to the spasms of pain, coming in waves that peak higher and higher.
During the night it came to me to do something that I have kept doing with the art process. Many times, when I find a place in the art that seems to have some important meaning, I dive into that place and when I am in, I draw whatever the drawing will bring out. It is a fantastic way to experience the energy of deep, hidden programs. So it was only natural for me to do the same thing without the art process, when I was in bed. I imagined diving into the center of the pain and when I was there I did something else. I did something that I have learned from the De Silva method and Burt Goldman. I decided that while there, in the middle of that crazy pain, I was going to go deeper and deeper into who I am, as much as I can. And the way I do it is that I count from 9 to 1, and descend an imaginary staircase into myself. And what I found is that I could be in a very deep state, when I feel that there is only space, and be a witness from within to the pain phenomena as it was happening all around me, even including the spasms that the body goes into from the pain.
In this state, this morning I saw that the waves that I associated with good energy coming to heal the foot, are actually from that part of me, or deeply involved with that part of me that wants to ignore the body all together and go up to heaven or become holy. And I also felt resistance to the strong push of this energy. It was the body that said: and what about me?
And the energy that I felt, that body of energy that was present there too, is maybe the consciousness of the body, that has its preferences, and wants to be complete and whole, but is shocked by what is happening.
So this puts everything in a different perspective than the one I had before.
I thought that the strong current of energy, the one that the acupuncturist started going and blessed me for having, the stream that went to my feet and I thought it was the good energy of healing, is actually the energy, or includes this energy that is angry at the body, for standing in the way of holiness.
But you can’t make your way to heaven on dead bodies.
I am sorry, my body.
And this current is also the one, which is felt when I get into a quiet state and suddenly feel an urge climbing up my spine and pushing up, as if to go through my skull. This is what I considered to be my question. Surely my question is in it. But you see, everything that I introduced into my subconscious mind as a valuable thing to live for, like the question, has gotten together with this urge to become holy. This shows how the subconscious mind works. Once you have a strong magnetic field in there, which is a strong belief or longing, anything that you throw into this mind responds to this strong magnetic field and immediately aligns itself with it, becoming a part of the bigger urge and actually almost disappearing in it. In this way everything of value becomes subservient to this strong urge and your life goes in the direction of the urge.
And the sexual struggle that you saw, is the way the body fought back against this idealistic notion of becoming holy. It said: You think that you have an urge that is so important, that it justifies ignoring me? Well I have an urge too. Try to kill this! And they are stuck in a fight.
Seeing this was a big day for me.
So what to do now, you ask, since you have met your inner killer of freedom and of the ability to be who you are, What is the thing to do to correct it?
I already know to be careful of fighting anything in the mind. Anything that you fight ends up becoming stronger. But even creating and following an urge is dangerous for me now, because it will associate itself immediately with that holy longing.
I cannot do it, I already tell you. There is nothing that I can do about it. The only thing I can do is to ask the universe, ask the endless to support what is real and true in me, and to bring me the experiences of being who I truly am. Listening to intuition has in it that kind of trust in the endless and for me it is the way to do it. I can ask intuition: What am I to do now? So I will be guided and walk with intuition. Intuition, sweet intuition, is the only thing that is stronger than that urge, because it is beyond the urge’s realm of influence.
I already said that all I want is to follow intuition, because this gives me the best feeling I ever have. And so here I go, not knowing with the thinking mind where I go, but knowing experientially the good feeling of trusting the endless, and the kind of blessing that it is.
And to finish the process I did this drawing now:
Is golden now
In the endless.
A bumpy ride
To the All
In the distant mountains
Expands to no end.