It is a key drawing in the process of my relief from major programs in the subconscious. It describes fear. There is a body there and it is full of small waves of fear. The fear goes everywhere, the head, the chest, the hands the muscular stomach and the pelvis. There are three places where, it so happens, the lines in light brown are darker. These places are the head, the stomach and the crotch. These are the places where I feel fear, when it is clearer. Sometimes I also feel it in the heart and in the legs. But the fear I am talking about here covers the whole body and beyond. It is not strong, it is hardly felt, but it is there always, ready to be provoked.
It is a bit shocking for me to see that after all I have lived and done there is still fear somewhere in me at all. But it is so. This is what is discovered suddenly in this drawing that I did at around 4 in the morning. This is the way my body feels when it perceives being attacked so viciously by the pain. I did not know that it would come out in the drawing when I did it. I was just tuned in to my inner guidance.
When I finished the main structure in light brown it felt good to add pink in some places. These pink lines created the sense of fear. The brown lines described the tension.
I considered adding other colors inside of some shapes, but there was a strong feeling, when I thought about it, that the drawing did not need these. It could have changed the feeling in the drawing and this is exactly what I did not want to happen. I wanted to read the drawing as it was, without changes.
And this led to this discovery. There is so much fear in me when the pain comes. There is so much habitual creation of fear even before the pain comes. Mostly, it is very delicate and hard to catch. There is an expectation in me, somewhere in the big system of my being, for something bad and painful to happen soon. Life is dangerous for you, the fear says, and it arises, to prepare me for the approaching calamity. The expectation that something full of suffering is on its way is so strong that now, as my feet are healing, this fear prepares me for some other way of suffering that will soon appear. It already weaves stories that will explain why and how. I catch these swift, very quiet thoughts that predict that something else is starting to go wrong in my body. I catch them because I am aware. I catch everything that makes an inner noise. But this fear did not stand out because it was very delicate, encompassing all and always there. I never experienced my life without it. There is a tension that I feel in the back of my neck. Every time I become quiet, this tension is created. I was aware of this tension for years but never knew what it was an expression of. Now I know: It is this fear. Every time I got quiet something in me said: Wait, be careful, because something bad and painful is coming at you.
Now I know that this fear is what prevented me from enjoying playing music in front of others. When I was six years old I studied piano. In the end of the year came the concert for all the parents and fellow students. I learned a very modern piece, which was an Israeli song, arranged with very modern dissonance. I fell in love with the way the song sounded and it was a revelation to me. I still love dissonance today. My first beloved classical composer was Schoenberg. But when it came time to play the Israeli song before the audience I got frozen with fear. I lost the sense of beauty in the piece and the interest I had in it. I only felt extremely scared. This was this fear, the fear of being true to myself in front of others, the fear that something horrible will happen as soon as I relax into who I am.
I think this is the key to a lot of suffering that people have, where it seems very hard to detect the source of the suffering. It is something that these people were born with and never had experienced life without it. They are used to live with this feeling in them and therefore it is very hard for them to feel it. But there is a way to find and release it, as you see. It is by getting into a deeper state, which is what I did by drawing intuitively, and witnessing the fear from that state. How come I have only found it now? I have been practicing being aware of how I feel and choosing to feel better. My vibrations rose, and the fear stood out as being of lower vibrations.