Archive for the 'healing' Category

276. Can I teach my subconscious something new?

When I say the word HEALTHY, there is a rush of energy developing in my being, and moving through it to unknown depths.

The same thing happens when I only think the word.

If I do it a lot, and experience the vibration of the word many times, this experience starts to take roots in my being, and there is movement in me, to become the expression of this vibration.

Try this: When you feel not so good, ask yourself, in your mind: How can I feel good now? And watch how you feel.

If I ask, beore I start to draw, to have my drawing show me my experience of feeling good, then I’ll spend the time of making the drawing feeling good, and even go into it in a deeper way than just thinking. So my body will feel good in a deeper way than just by thinking, and the experience will last longer.

My subconscious will take notice and will start to realize that it has to learn how to create this feeling, as it seems that I, its owner and commander, am interested in being this way.

Then the subconscious will start producing this feeling of being healthy on its own, every time there will be any association to this coming up in my being.

And with such a competent couch within myself, what do you think will happen? With me feeling healthy all the time, how can I ever be sick?

So I set out to draw how it feels to me to be healthy.

Hebrew word

Stretching in the morning

inner energies arise

The first drawing even includes the word ’healthy’ in Hebrew, my mother’s tongue, and the strong energy springs out all around it.

The second is about how the body feels strong and capable.

The last is about how the energy moves in my body when I feel healthy.

At the beginning of the third drawing there were only the heavier lines without the lighter pencil lines and the colors. At that time the drawing was really successful in describing the flowering of the energy inside, arising and opening up. Then I wanted to add the lines and the colors, and the whole art became heavier. The energy almost does not move any more.

It is not what I wanted. But it has beauty so I decided to show it anyway. It srill shows the shining, the power that pushes things up, and some sense of a struggle to arise. The struggle is mental and energetic. All is true in this drawing as to my feeling at the time. Maybe this is why it is beautiful.

But can I change my thinking, and can I teach my subconscious how to create a different feeling?

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274. Feeling good is the main thing anyway

This is a very long one, to compensate for the long time between entries.

Yesterday (I wrote this on 9/7/2017) I started a big series, as I figured it would be, of little drawings, quick, spontaneous, intuitive, as connections, asking and getting answers, discovering subconscious conflicts and fears and releasing them, using whatever will work best, and not leaving the process until I am without fear.

This drawing was the first.

Busy but open

I won’t describe the process. I can say it was directed from my better place. I was determined to go back to not planning, even in the most free and general terms. I wanted there to only be what comes intuitively. No preparing an area to be painted and then painting it, as I did a lot lately.

I took verbal notice of things in the art that I saw. Just flew through the painting and wrote the words that came to me as I was looking at different parts or groups of parts. It is quite easy to figure out the parts that the lines of words came from. You will see.

Then I scrambled all the sentences, as in the old days, added words and sentences to make it work as a piece that makes sense verbally, added two lines in the end, and turned the first line into the name of the piece.

As these additional words came to me, to explain meanings and connect the parts, the arranging mechanism of my mind started to form meanings.

When we are in a deep good place we usually don’t look for meanings. But sometimes, new knowledge appears for us. We suddenly know something about how things are, that we did not know before. Here it is different. I flowed with the verbal investigation to where my heart took me by the hand, so to speak. The heart wants to take the mind with it, if you have the tendency to do it.

Now, before I started drawing, I asked all my acquaintances from the nonphysical to help me find where I am, and how to proceed. I felt quite lost, did not know what to do with this mock life that I created, in the world that I created. Everything has lost its allure for me, from the knowing that it is not the real. I wanted to know the real. And I also lamented the loss of what seemed to be a beautiful life, imperfect indeed, but meaningful, depending indeed on the world and I being somewhat real.

I knew that there is a more real me, more beautiful, and it is what comes from a deeper perspective. I knew that this life, with everything in it is an illusion, but still I felt there were people who could use help in finding their truth, in finding their way to be happier. This idealism was lost, as I understood that all that appears to me is invited by me, in search of knowing myself in a deeper way, or it may be in search of anything that I chose to invite and investigate.

Anyway, this meaningfulness was gone.

So everything I had an idea about starting to do, I immediately had the idea of stopping, as it made no sense to do anything.

It did not feel good to be like this. There were things that my life could be better with, practically speaking and I could busy myself with them. But this is not all.

I lived with meaning all my life. I thought that it was possible and necessary to have meaning if I wanted to be content. I wanted to find my way into it again. This was a habitual thinking indeed.

There is the teaching of the truth that I felt I wanted to do. But I saw myself at that moment unfit, as I have not lived in the knowing of it all the time. I still experienced fear, freezing fear.

So I asked all of them to help. Come through the drawing, I asked, and let me know where I am, and what to do next.

So here is what came in the words and sentences at first.

# Landscape view

# Unexpected turns

# Trees fly up slowly

# Blue stars like precious stones

# Energy jumps all around

# Arranging

# There is something in the next area, sending thin feelers in to where we are

# It is busy here but a lot of sky is open.

Now I scrambled all the words and sentences in my favorite way and wrote it all in the new order, with a few additions that came to me in the process, to connect some parts logically and to give meaning.

The meaning, in a strange way, is a choice, as I am the one who invites this meaning. But it is also what is received through the connection (with the non-physical). This whole process is a connection. And you can have a sense of the absurd. It looks very compellingly that something happens, but really nothing happens. I think I’ll need to talk about this some other time.

Here is the final arrangement:

ARRANGING

It is busy here

But a lot of sky

Is open

The trees fly up slowly

To discover the landscape view

With many unexpected turns

There is something in the next area

Sending thin feelers in

To where we are

What is it that they are looking for?

Is it the blue stars

That are

Like precious stones?

Yellow energy, faster than everything here,

Jumps all around

To define something new

That we do not know yet.

Now I took small portions of the writing that seemed to have one specific meaning in them that had to do with me and my life, and wrote this meaning, as it came to me. I still did not know what would show up. It was just intuition after intuition and more intuition. Intuition is not thinking, so we don’t have meaning yet.

I know that philosophy deals with intuition in its ways. But this is not the intuition that I write about here, as far as I know. I’ll have to write about this too in another entry.

Here are these specific meanings:

Busy with open sky– My mind. The forces of habits moving. Awareness sees a lot of space.

The trees that fly up slowly– Like me, venturing into the bigger me.

The landscape view with the unexpected turns– Change, when you look down from above, is waiting to happen.

Something with feelers– My friends in the nonphysical, always expecting preparedness, illuminating me with knowledge, when I ask for it.

Blue stars, like precious stones– Memories of the truth, spots of love and openness, connection moments.

The yellow energy, getting ready. It is the energy that does the ’how’, when I choose the ‘what’.

Definition of something new that we do not know yet– Everyone and everything getting ready for the change.

So I see, as I’ve seen several times before, that every time I turn to my friends in the nonphysical, or even just ask intuition, or just ask nobody in particular, the first answer I get is that things are so much better than I think.

That it will be okay if I take care of feeling good. They did not say this but I know they would have said, had there been a need for it.

Feeling good is the main thing anyway.

 

Maybe this is a stranger entry than the usual? Please comment and I’ll answer to the best of my ability.

273. Cuing you in on a good moment

freezing fear profile

This is a person too.

You can see him dancing, even though not anatomically correct.

But when I sat down to paint this, I did not know that this would come.

I was thinking about how the energy in my body moves when I feel the fear.

So what is the fear?

It started when I was three and a half. I did not have the language to describe and explain to myself what happened and I could not choose what to do based on my story. Instead, it was created energetically, unexplained. There was a crude understanding, as children do, and it was all wrong.

So I just let my mom do with me whatever she decided to do. She was hurting and never knew how to share her feelings or ask you about yours. You can say she was a logical and practical person. She thought about what made sense to her and did it. I wrote about it in the past. It is about the death of my father in the war and how I came to think that I have caused it.

Usually, I am very good at detecting inner events like feelings, sensations, thoughts, even those very fast and quiet thoughts, that we usually are not even aware of. I am really good in catching them all. You can say, in a way, that I live partially in my subconscious.

But this fear used to overwhelm me without me noticing it. Suddenly I would be frozen without any feelings, except for finding out that I was not doing anything in spite of having decided to do something.

That something had always to do with trusting my heart and doing something independently, something that I really wanted to do.

The event that brought about that trauma also started with me, while I was, so innocently, following my dreams, and sensing success.

So many times throughout my life, when I would start moving in the direction of my dreams, this fear would freeze me and I would not feel anything for a few days.

It happened again these days. And I wanted to draw/paint how my body felt.

The color shapes give a feeling of dancing. But if you look closely at the character of the drawing lines, you’ll see that they have the energy of wanting to grab something, they struggle and they feel lost and hopeless.

But in some ways the situation is better than in the past.

There is also an expression of pain, and one of the places of pain is the area of the feet. The body tries to get up and dance, but it can’t because it is wounded.

Also, if you check where the center of gravity of this body is, you’ll see that it is slightly under the middle of the page, and because of it, it feels as if the body is too heavy to fly up. Just this, the sense of heaviness, shows the desperate state, the disbelief in the possibility of arising. Also the lines of the drawing are expressions of feelings.

So there is more expression of feelings this time. It is good. There is no freezing any more.

Then there are the yellow lines and they are the light and the freedom that are in me too.

The blue lines also look as if they do not belong with the feelings that the rest of the body has. They are a little more relaxed, colder and freer than the body. Maybe the blue lines are like the surface of water and the body is coming out from the water.

And here, maybe, you can catch, like a detective, but in this case don’t forget to be a loving and maybe even a laughing detective, why the pain was developed and kept in the body system. The fear that freezes was in danger of disappearing. You know how careful and inventive the subconscious can be when it believes one of its programs is in danger. I meditated a lot and was getting to deep places and to different energetic environments, such that would make the fear disappear, as it cannot be in such environments. So the subconscious gave me an explanation why I won’t be able to do anything, and gave me a convincing story, to prove that I need to keep the fear. I just can’t, with this pain, do anything. The degeneration takes away more and more of the body and I’ll die one day, without flying. That’s what the subconscious says, just because I had taught it to protect me in this area.

I got you in on this moment of change. There is one solution to all problems, psychological and physical. It is: Go deeper within yourself.

 

271. Diving among thoughts and feelings

diving 2

Go deeper

Though you will find

Some human shapes

Go deeper

Though you will see

An orchard

Or a forest in the fall

Go deeper still

Though you may find

Flowers of the field

Go on

Pass them

Into the depths

And continue through the earth

And the whole milky way

Pass the fields of thoughts

The clouds of feelings

The pictures in your mind

And find

That you have arrived

Into yourself

That has no end

No beginning

And no name

From this

Make your body first

And know

That the world will come

For you

To play.

 

diving 3

This is a small painting. Small ones are much quicker to finish. This one took half a day. It is one continuous process, even with its inner changes, from beginning to end.

This painting was done to describe a certain meditation. There is a meditation that goes like this: with closed eyes, I see what experiences are happening now. There are bodily sensations, sounds, I feel the air on my skin, thoughts, feelings, all these happen without effort. Effects are created and noted, the subconscious responds to all of them and brings about new thoughts and feelings. Then new things happen. And I watch.

When I look at all these, I end up catching my subconscious as it responds to what appears, and I don’t follow its ideas. The energy that I could give these ideas, by following them, is not given and without this energy the ideas cannot last long. This in itself is a meditation. I can watch how the events of my experiences become smaller and how, gradually, less of them show up, until they don’t appear any more.

But this is not what I do. Instead, I feel the inner space and I dive among the events. I avoid all of them and dive.

I am interested in how the space feels, so I give the space all the energy of my curiosity.

As I continue diving, the space opens more and I go on.

This is the meditation.

I go until there are no events happening around me.

In a way it is like the other meditation, but here I can imagine being more active and adventurous.

This painting came after the drawing and writing that are in the beginning of this entry.

So you can see that just drawing something and thinking about it, can bring you deeper into that direction.

In this way, all that you do is based on what you choose, out of your interest. You don’t jump into meditation because you think that it is good for you, and once you are engaged, you start having resistances, because the entry into the meditation was not natural. It was acting on an idea that came from outside. Someone said.

I am for freedom in every step.

269. On becoming a philosopher

The scream, the understanding and infinity

I just wanted to paint or draw the pain again.

In the past I used to draw the pain many times. The pain was not almost constant, as it is now. It would come every now and then and it would be quite devastating. I found then that I could draw it, the way and shape it was felt in the body, and after becoming stronger at first, the pain would start to get smaller and smaller until it would disappear. This would take some five or six drawings, which I made quite quickly in a little pad that I always had with me.

I thought I had the cat’s pajama. This gave me a way to protect myself from the pain and a way to feel capable and not out of control. But it also helped in establishing the pain. Because I did not want the pain and at least part of the activity of drawing was for the purpose of winning against it. When you think this way many times, you repeat the belief that the pain is bad for you and dangerous and needs to be fought against. This establishes the pain, in your mind, as dangerous and needing to be fought against.

I understood this and stopped this practice. But I also knew that there was a lot of good in making art about the pain. The good is, or at least some of it is in this: In order to draw you actually change your attitude from fear to curiosity. Curiosity is a characteristic of the true you, and it is of a higher vibration than fear. This makes you into a place, in which fear’s lower vibrations cannot stay. So it was beneficial in the emotional realm. And it taught me to automatically change my attitude every time the emotional reaction to the pain arose, from fear to curiosity. And you can add the sense of beauty that easily added itself to the drawing and brought a lot more good vibrations.

I am sure there is more good things to be found in this activity, so I decided to paint my pain again and find out. I wanted to let the painting bring in the thoughts and not the other way around.

All that is done with lines is a description of the pain. I took the liberty to twist appearances, as this helped to express the pain. You can see that it radiates strongly to all directions.

Sometimes when I want to give the feet energy with my hands, good, healing energy, the left hand jumps away. As if the strength of the pain’s energy frightens the left hand away.

After the lines, came the color areas, and this was done with a more relaxed state of mind. There is one line of orange round shapes going from a big shape at the bottom to a small one at the top. This is one story line. And there is a blue line of three rounded shapes going from right to left and crossing the orange story. And there is also a line of same-size round, smaller shapes, as if it is a bit farther, going diagonally through the whole picture.

To me, as I’m looking at the painting now, the orange and the blue describe an inner conflict. Two ideas in my being don’t agree with each other. And it is not shown as a juicy harsh conflict, but as an idea. One thought goes in this direction, another goes in a different direction and they disagree. Maybe it is even possible to see that there is no need for a resolution of this conflict. The two ideas can stay intact. We can get used to having contradictory ideas within us, because we all have plenty of them. Solutions, in any case, are never in the same layer of the conflicts. We have to go deeper.

The yellow line of smaller round shapes feels to me as the experience of a deeper layer of myself, where connection to infinity is felt.

How strange. In one painting you have the screaming of the pain, a more peaceful view of an underlying conflict, and a sense of infinity.

I was not interested in this case in the disappearance of the pain, but in seeing the bigger picture. I have changed.

When I told my Friend Stuart, many years ago, that I was about to separate for my wife, he told me a story. A student came to the Rabi and asked weather marrying was a good idea for him. The Rabi said it was. If you both fit each other, then you are a lucky man, he said. And if you don’t, then you will become a philosopher.

I feel as if I am married to the pain, we don’t fit, and I am becoming a philosopher.

In the end it may turn out that it was good for me…

How?

By forcing me into the deeper view.

267. What is there?

P1000458

Thinking again about the choice of doing the blog as my direction.

It may feel as if I am an ant, crawling on a topographical map, among hills and valleys in brown and green. And it can also be seen as if I am the sky that is getting involved with the hills, the valleys and the ants.

Somehow it seems that doing the blog is the most forgiving occupation. It doesn’t hold you to a verbally defined commitment. You have seen it going in different directions. One day it was centered on poetry as it looks at life in a fluid way, not entrapped in what seems to be reality, but flowing away from boundaries of shape and time.

Another day I looked at my subconscious beliefs, as they could be detected in my artwork. These beliefs are what mask the truth.

Sometimes discussions of artworks spilled over to glimpses of how things are in these ever-changing worlds, yours and mine.

It can go anywhere.

And don’t forget that it started as a description of self-healing, and almost instructional pieces about the method that I came to find, use and share, and you could read how I viewed the sources of illness (In the ’About’ page).

This is why choosing a direction settled quite easily, in the end, into taking this blog-making as my thread, the line in the middle of my path of choosing and doing. It is a direction without a goal, but with a compass. It has no end. And I’m sure that along the way I’ll be healed from the physical ailments and more and more clearly will be living as an expression of the truth, knowingly.

For one year, when I was 21, I worked as a surveyor’s assistant in a copper mine. Two of us, the assistants, were given the geologist’s instructions to the miners about which direction to dig now, and we descended into the dark tunnels with headlights, heavy batteries attached to our belts and the surveying equipment, to mark with little metal pegs that we hammered into the rocks, which are the new directions in the different faces of the mine.

Sometimes we sneaked away to some neglected, dead end tunnel, far from the noise and sweat of the digging machines. We would sit quietly on the damp earth and turn off the lights on our helmets. We would be then in total darkness, such that you cannot find outside of the mine.

The world would disappear and we would hold our breath.

Why do people do things like this?

I think it is to find the truth. What is there, when everything is gone?

What is there?

266. Just reading

Craving roots

There are many ways to read art. This is one of them: Just start writing and see where it takes you.

You can also say: Start to describe what you see. From there you start to be guided by your interests, associations, and yes, the universe supports you, based on your inclination at the time. We are always supported.

The painting is from June 5th and I wrote this on June 6th. Other things came in the way and I did them, but now I want to share this.

The first thing that came to my mind was that it came out alive. It means that the power that was used in order to create it is still in it. And what is the power? It is a thought, expressed in space and time.

When you look at it, your energy field responds to the experience by arranging itself into an energy structure. To you it feels like a feeling that you may have a name for. Then your thought processes become engaged and a new adventure starts in your story of your life. It may be big or small. Maybe you immediately turn away, smile, have a cup of tea and look at birds in the sky?

Here is what I wrote:

It feels like this: a number of shapes in different colors bump into each other in the middle (These are the colored shapes). The feeling is of an argument or at least a disagreement (Purple, orange, brown and blue). But it does not come to fighting.

There are three shapes who are out of the group. They haven’t come into touching relations, like the four others. So maybe they hesitate to join? Maybe the yellow on the left and the pink on upper left were kicked out of this society or could not join in as there was not even the slightest invitation extended to them. Or, maybe they stopped before they came too close, so that they can take a good look at what is happening.  Maybe they want to check it out before they join? And the cloud, the third of the outsiders, is the one who cares the least. He seems to have more power than all the rest. He has his own behavior and his own field of reference, which is the weather system in the area and the world. As such he is much less a participant in the meeting. But because of him, the perspective of other, bigger systems, is added to every part of this picture.

Then there is the earth with an orange border. But this element is cut abruptly on the left, without too much drama.

This tear-off breaks the impression of a stable earth. This earth can shrink to nothing. Don’t rely on me, it says. Look somewhere else for your stability.

Now the purple and the brown seem to connect with the earth, in spite of it being ephemeral. The orange and the blue seem to be okay with just floating in the air. Or maybe they are not so okay with it, and this is why they come to mix with the earthlings.

So here is a kind of a summary. There is a little drama here. Like in a country, or any society. People collaborate without agreeing with each other. There are some small areas of overlapping and you can say, some form of compromise and collaboration. The others are in differing degrees of separation, deciding not to get involved. But they are close anyway. They are human too and they don’t want to give up on their belonging to this group.

These are the energy bodies, operating by the hidden assumptions that bring about what seems to appear in reality, which is the drawing in green lines.

The green lines describe little separate forms that together create the pattern of what appear in this world of time and space.

So when you wander in this world and see all these forms around you, know that they come from a deeper, usually unseen, layer of energy bodies, coming into being from thoughts and ideas.

All comes from thoughts.

As in a known Zen story, in which some students, looking at a flag that moved in the wind, argued about what truly moved. Is it the flag? Is it the wind? And the master said: Nothing moves, except for your thoughts.

And how could I forget the red part of the lines, in a little area in the right? There was some drama in the reality of the picture.

This red part is indeed a part of the reality that I created with my thoughts. But I gave it the red color to say that according to my beliefs this is a violation of some sort.

Now imagine that you are an art therapist and this is the first artwork that your new client made. Do you see how much can be learned from just the first painting?

And if every one of us has a such a collection of thoughts with him at every moment, can you see what the fabric of our humanity is made of? If we want to have any measure of freedom, we must come out of this state, in which we are controlled by our assumptions, and look at it from a deeper perspective.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.