Strange times. I know I am getting more into the depth of who I am, where it starts to feel more like the truth than the way I feel toward the outside world. The outside world starts being perceived more and more a manifestation of the inner world. Even if it impresses on me its feelings or situations, I know that I can change them by changing the inner vision. In this way the outer world is not real and not stable at all, because you can change it easily by thinking and feeling differently.
I know I have written this in the first page, the “About” page of this blog, back in April. But it is becoming even more real to me now.
On the 16th, 18th and 19th of December I make three drawings that give me a very strong feeling that I have knows them already, like a déjà vu feeling, but I can’t remember where and when I had this experience before.
Chine and Egypt
When I draw the first, I immediately think about Chinese black and white brush drawings from the 12th century, of landscapes in the mountains. And I also think: Chinese calligraphy. But both of these connections do not feel precise. I know that I have seen this or felt the feeling that this drawing gives me before and I cannot find what it was.
It also has, for me, a feeling of something from ancient Egypt in the part with the plants in the water. There are simplicity and innocence that I feel in this part. One thing I know: This feels ancient to me and current at the same time.
The second one feels like a transparent temple or a holy place, and it stands in a landscape with low hills and plants.
Temple of light
It is like a juxtaposition of something spiritual and something earthy. This one too makes me feel that I have seen this before somewhere and I do not know where and when. I once drew imaginary temples on a cloud for a children’s book (A Journey to Paradise). But this is different. It feels more real to me.
In the third, the feeling that I really know this so well, that it is so familiar, is even stronger. It is a very strange thing. You make an abstract drawing. You do not know what you are doing. You are guided. You know it is time to stop and you do not touch the drawing any more. You look at it and you know that this describes something that surely you have seen before. But what is it?
Chair near the big window
These drawings have been left on my table for a few days. I do not want to put them on the pile of finished drawings, because I feel there is something in them for me to discover.
Then, this night I have a dream.
In the dream I am in a room, in a house, near big windows. Trains are passing at the other side of the windows, very close to the building, almost touching it as they pass. Then a train comes, that has carts with wooden fences around their four sides. First there are wooden walls and on top of the wooden walls there are wooden fences. The train really brushes against the house, and it sounds as if there are dry branches in the train that extend over the fences and they scratch the building. And suddenly I decide to go on this train. Somehow I am out and I am in the train, which goes to a destination that I do not know.
At some point in the trip I am holding on to the fence on the left side of the cart from outside and the train is about to pass through a very narrow passage. I may be crashed. But I do not fear. I flatten myself against the train and pass successfully, only touching whatever is on the side, near the train. I slip into another cart and this one is a passenger cart. In the next stop I am out. I walk in a place that I do not know and a car stops near me. In the car, four people are squeezed into the cabin. They are dressed in military clothing and they are excited, the kind of excitement that I remember from the war, where the experiences are so strong that you are in a non-stop excitement. Maybe you will feel the horrors later. But at this point it is just a very tensed excitement.
I approach the driver side window and above it there is a compartment that I can open from the outside. It is held closed by a zipper. The material the compartment is made of, when I am very close to it, seems to be a very rough tarp, colored in deep olive green, as a lot of army stuff is colored. I open the zipper and start taking out military winter stuff, like a warm cap, a scarf, a sweater. I explain to the passengers that this is actually our car. In the war that I experienced, the army confiscated private cars for use in the war, when it needed them.
This dream seems so strange and at first I have no clue to what it means. It all starts to become clearer as I write the dream down, on my little handheld that I keep near the bed, in the darkness of 5:30 in the morning.
The big windows, as I write about them, become the windows of a room on the 17th floor in a healing center, where I had a session of Theta Healing. We were sitting near the two big windows of the room. My eyes were closed and Eric did healing on me. Suddenly I felt a strong urge to go out from the window. I knew it was up in the air and it did not make sense. But the urge was so strong that I gave in to it. And before I knew it, I was out in mid air, without a body and there was an angel there, just as you see in pictures. I was awake, and in the process of being healed and there was an angel there. I looked up and saw many more angels, clustered toward the clouds.
When I am writing this now I feel so much love.
When I look at the last drawing again this morning I suddenly know that this is the chair I was sitting on, there is the window next to it and the line of going out through the window. Now I know what this drawing is about and what it reminds me of.
I think that the angel wants to tell me that he has always been with me, in the war, on the train I rode into the darkness in another life, and now.
And for you there is this thing to know: Things may look a certain way in a drawing and mean something else. The clue is in their energy. The energy that they give you, as you look, is energy that you know, and may belong to something that the drawing does not resemble. And it is the same with dreams. The energy that an object in a dream gives you is the experience that the dream wants to give you. And it is all meaningful and helpful if you see it in the right way.