Archive for December, 2011

87. New Year’s conversation with Int.

I ask: Hey, Int. (intuition); what do you have to say today?

I immediately have the thought that this is the last day of the year, and that tomorrow a new year starts, which is a very special year.

Be curious

Be curious

As soon as I finish the drawing, through which Int. answers, I know he is telling me to be open to change. This is the feeling I get from a quick look. I say: OK, I’ll flow.

I decide to write what comes when I look at the different parts of the drawing and it comes out almost ready. I just have to touch a little here and there with a word or a space.

I’m curious

Because I come from endlessness

I need shoes

But right there, near the shoes

Skin close

Is another window

Green thoughts are helpful

Green is sweet

Be curious, Giora

Be open

There are windows to the endless

Everywhere.

86. Deja vu

Strange times. I know I am getting more into the depth of who I am, where it starts to feel more like the truth than the way I feel toward the outside world. The outside world starts being perceived more and more a manifestation of the inner world. Even if it impresses on me its feelings or situations, I know that I can change them by changing the inner vision. In this way the outer world is not real and not stable at all, because you can change it easily by thinking and feeling differently.

I know I have written this in the first page, the “About” page of this blog, back in April. But it is becoming even more real to me now.

On the 16th, 18th and 19th of December I make three drawings that give me a very strong feeling that I have knows them already, like a déjà vu feeling, but I can’t remember where and when I had this experience before.

China and Egypt

Chine and Egypt

When I draw the first, I immediately think about Chinese black and white brush drawings from the 12th century, of landscapes in the mountains. And I also think: Chinese calligraphy. But both of these connections do not feel precise. I know that I have seen this or felt the feeling that this drawing gives me before and I cannot find what it was.

It also has, for me, a feeling of something from ancient Egypt in the part with the plants in the water. There are simplicity and innocence that I feel in this part. One thing I know: This feels ancient to me and current at the same time.

The second one feels like a transparent temple or a holy place, and it stands in a landscape with low hills and plants.

Temple of light

Temple of light

It is like a juxtaposition of something spiritual and something earthy. This one too makes me feel that I have seen this before somewhere and I do not know where and when. I once drew imaginary temples on a cloud for a children’s book (A Journey to Paradise). But this is different. It feels more real to me.

In the third, the feeling that I really know this so well, that it is so familiar, is even stronger. It is a very strange thing. You make an abstract drawing. You do not know what you are doing. You are guided. You know it is time to stop and you do not touch the drawing any more. You look at it and you know that this describes something that surely you have seen before. But what is it?

 

Chair near the big window

Chair near the big window

These drawings have been left on my table for a few days. I do not want to put them on the pile of finished drawings, because I feel there is something in them for me to discover.

Then, this night I have a dream.

In the dream I am in a room, in a house, near big windows. Trains are passing at the other side of the windows, very close to the building, almost touching it as they pass. Then a train comes, that has carts with wooden fences around their four sides. First there are wooden walls and on top of the wooden walls there are wooden fences. The train really brushes against the house, and it sounds as if there are dry branches in the train that extend over the fences and they scratch the building. And suddenly I decide to go on this train. Somehow I am out and I am in the train, which goes to a destination that I do not know.

At some point in the trip I am holding on to the fence on the left side of the cart from outside and the train is about to pass through a very narrow passage. I may be crashed. But I do not fear. I flatten myself against the train and pass successfully, only touching whatever is on the side, near the train. I slip into another cart and this one is a passenger cart. In the next stop I am out. I walk in a place that I do not know and a car stops near me. In the car, four people are squeezed into the cabin. They are dressed in military clothing and they are excited, the kind of excitement that I remember from the war, where the experiences are so strong that you are in a non-stop excitement. Maybe you will feel the horrors later. But at this point it is just a very tensed excitement.

I approach the driver side window and above it there is a compartment that I can open from the outside. It is held closed by a zipper. The material the compartment is made of, when I am very close to it, seems to be a very rough tarp, colored in deep olive green, as a lot of army stuff is colored. I open the zipper and start taking out military winter stuff, like a warm cap, a scarf, a sweater. I explain to the passengers that this is actually our car. In the war that I experienced, the army confiscated private cars for use in the war, when it needed them.

This dream seems so strange and at first I have no clue to what it means. It all starts to become clearer as I write the dream down, on my little handheld that I keep near the bed, in the darkness of 5:30 in the morning.

The big windows, as I write about them, become the windows of a room on the 17th floor in a healing center, where I had a session of Theta Healing. We were sitting near the two big windows of the room. My eyes were closed and Eric did healing on me. Suddenly I felt a strong urge to go out from the window. I knew it was up in the air and it did not make sense. But the urge was so strong that I gave in to it. And before I knew it, I was out in mid air, without a body and there was an angel there, just as you see in pictures. I was awake, and in the process of being healed and there was an angel there. I looked up and saw many more angels, clustered toward the clouds.

When I am writing this now I feel so much love.

When I look at the last drawing again this morning I suddenly know that this is the chair I was sitting on, there is the window next to it and the line of going out through the window. Now I know what this drawing is about and what it reminds me of.

I think that the angel wants to tell me that he has always been with me, in the war, on the train I rode into the darkness in another life, and now.

And for you there is this thing to know: Things may look a certain way in a drawing and mean something else. The clue is in their energy. The energy that they give you, as you look, is energy that you know, and may belong to something that the drawing does not resemble. And it is the same with dreams. The energy that an object in a dream gives you is the experience that the dream wants to give you. And it is all meaningful and helpful if you see it in the right way.

85. Muscle growth

Window box

Window box

December 14th. Still a lot of pain visits my left foot and some visits my right foot too. There are changes in the pain and in where it is all the time. I sit on the bed and talk with A. I look at my left foot and realize that new muscles have grown there.

There is a known phenomenon that goes with deterioration of the nerves. As the nerves stop serving some areas of muscle, the muscle tissue deteriorates too and simply disappears. You get areas where the skin rests directly on the bones, with no flesh between them. I had some areas like this. I almost could close a circle with my thumb and the middle finger around my left ankle. Not any more. There is flesh there now.

84. Right and wrong, good and bad

I look at the blog and read the last two entries. I feel love. As if this is someone else who is going through his adventure of becoming clear. I always marvel when I see other people release subconscious material and become lighter. What can be more heartwarming than that? It is I who is going through it, and another I is looking and feeling love.

 I promised more and here it is.

Three in the morning again. I am too awake from the pain. I go to the studio and make a drawing. Slowly I move the brush, as if I have all the time in the world. I do.

I look at it.

Like running impalas

Like running impalas

I write to myself a few things. I can read my drawing fast. But I prefer to play with the going-in-with-words because it is more fun. I can be surprised.

I collect sentences about what do the different shapes in the drawing do. I scramble them and in their new order I insert a few words, change a few things until they start to make sense.

This is the result:

I spread green boughs

Like a herd of running

Impalas

I turn myself into a landscape

I play becoming sky

And cirrus clouds

I am fed and aired

I even peek in from my side

To take a look at

How I grow.

It is a good feeling and with this I go back to bed.

I wake up in the morning and feel the heaviness of depression-like feeling pulling me down. This is strange. I have my morning call with Shirley and we dig together into my subconscious to clear programs that don’t want me to be free and happy. This helps. I feel lighter, and become very active, calling some people that I want to call and sending some emails. I feel compassion and gratefulness. That’s how I work.

Then the depressing mood comes back.

This is strange. It has been about fifteen years that I have been very stable in my good mood. People who come to me with depressions, memories of abuse and anything heavy always leave the sessions feeling lighter. This seesaw of feeling light and then heavy reminds me of one meditation retreat in which my mood switched between these two extremes every session, for a whole day. I could not do anything about it. I just watched with huge calm as my moods changed in front of me, so to speak, and then I went deeper.

I sit down to draw again.

Pick a side

Pick a side

The drawing does not show depression. Instead there are two sides, as before. Every one of them walks away from the other. The right, purple side, seems to have more difficulties and is getting into trouble with the yellow and the orange, coming from the ground. The red spots in this side also seem to get in the way.

The left side seems to have an easier time. Red in the left side feels like flowers.

The whole thing seems to be about duality and about judgment and choice that duality forces you to make. The more I go through these drawings of right and left that do not harmonize, The more I become a witness again, who is not on either side.

I am not that.

All of this is a process of meditation. It allows moods and memories to come to the surface. We have so many of them stored in our subconscious. Being quiet invites them to come from whatever depth they dwelled in and if we stay in the witnessing state they just go through our experience and disappear. Making art intuitively is even a better witnessing state, because there is wonder and love in it, and the mysterious sense of a wiser and more compassionate order.

83. Up and down, right and left

It starts with a 3AM drawing. 3AM is a good time to draw intuitively, because even though you are not asleep obviously, you are asleep to some degree, and it is all for good.

I draw with my nose close to the paper, as children sometimes do, so I see what I am doing up close, but I do not see all of the paper. This is good too. The drawing makes itself. When I finish I look.

Turning away from the light

Turning away from the light

It has two sides, one is dark and one is light. In the dark side there is some  furniture with some kind of a vase. One plant comes out of the vase. It is green. It looks depressed. It lost a part that is falling. There is another plant, made of the same dark blue that the furniture is made of. In this plant, there is some blooming, but the blooming happens inside of a constraining circle. The red flower cannot grow out of the circle. This whole part, on the right side of the drawing, seems to come close to the other, left side of the drawing. But instead of getting mixed with it, it turns its back to it and grows away from it.

The light side seems a little pushed away by the right side, but it sends one ray of light into the sad area. In it there is life and change.

This strikes me. I meet with a tendency in me to turn away from the light. Many memories and ideas are stirred in my mind. The feeling of loving being sad, seeing it as beautiful. Loving the longing to the light, but being afraid that in the light I will not want to make art any more.. What kind of a life can that be?

This is not my normal everyday self. But here it is and it feels true. There is a pull to the sad, the dramatic, the ill, the dark, the hopeless.

I guess one can live like this and still make good art and long beautifully to the light. A beautiful longing always moved me. But I know that it is impossible to be happy this way. There is always giving up on happiness and choosing the lack, beautiful lack, but still lack. So here I come to a new front in my adventure with intuitive flow.

I am already an old hand. I ask myself: What is in the dark side? And I draw.

Little house in the snow

Little house in the snow

This surprises me even more.

It is almost a realistic picture of a house on a slope, with a little tree to its side and a big tree in front of it. The house leans on a hillside with wintering trees and there is a grey cloud, maybe in the sky, maybe as fog, caught up in the trees. There is a feeling of winter and snow.

And there are two sides in this too. The left looks more optimistic and inviting. The right seems to be closed and non communicative.

I remember seeing such a side in the pain phenomena. It is a part that is so hurting that it does not even want to hear anything from you. It just turns away and only if you hug it for a long time, it will start playing with your hair, maybe, or feel curious about your skin.

I decide to go through this façade and see what is behind it. The question is: If I go through this layer, what will I find behind it?

The drama of the knight

The drama of the knight

Here is what I see:

There is the red figure leaning forward to play? to touch? to own? a blue figure that looks like half of a woman. She is bending backward to avoid the red figure. Maybe she is on a boat that is about to leave. Maybe she will fall, because there is nothing under the right side of the boat. The red and the blue figures are connected with a light purple line through the ground. Maybe they belong to each other in some secret way? The ground is tilted and seems to stand on the back of an ochre horse, which makes everything very unstable. There are trees in the back of the red figure. They tilt in the other way. They have their own agenda. And here is an interesting thing: From the left low corner comes something that looks like a saw, to cut the leg of the red figure. This again! And I remember one more thing. I always had fascination with knights, fighting to prove their love to a woman that they can never touch. The whole scene looks somewhat theatrical and unreal. This is the direction it is going. What was a memory from a past life is starting to change into something that is less real.

After drawing this last one I go to the window seat. I lie down, very close to the window and drink, so to speak, the light that is coming in. I have to open myself to the light. This is what I think. So this series did something positive. But there is more to come.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.