Archive for May, 2011

24. A long report of where I am now

Time passes. It doesn’t really, but we say so. I still had to work on my guilt and fear. But again pain got hold of me, as you saw in the last entries. At night, I imagined doing a drawing of my guilt. It was like a big, dark cocoon, flying diagonally in the middle of the page and then it disintegrated and opened up to a soft sky. Imagining works too. 

I also left unheeded the ideas that the first drawing of pain in posting #19 had brought up; the chance to resolve contradictions in the drawing and the idea to follow the green. These seem to be very good ideas to follow. I do more than can get into the blog. So now I decide to report of where I am now. Somehow, one day all these unconnected reports will make good sense together. For now, I’ll just show you things as they are. And oh, I feel relieved from the shame. It worked. When I think about it now I feel that whatever was there is not a big deal any more. Not my main issue for sure. The fear, connected to the pain, the way the body shows me that it really does not like the pain, seems to be a more pregnant issue to deal with now. When the pain goes crazy at night I meditate in such a way that I find the emotions behind how I shake physically, and at times the shaking stops, I feel calm, in spite of the raging pain, and meet an endless pit of fear. Sometimes this fear jumps to my throat. No matter where it is, I stay with it until I fall asleep. For sure it will be a good idea to relate to it with a drawing. Maybe it will come. 

Yesterday I did this drawing.

Fly or fall

Fly or fall

I looked at different parts of it and sentences came to me, which I wrote in the order that they came. When I looked at the collection of sentences I saw that I did not have to do anything with them. They were ready to be read.

 

I am making a glorious show

Almost falling as I fly

And bleeding at the foot.

I’m going, I’m going strong

In spite of having had a weak beginning.

And I can, I can, I can

Though

I do not know

What it is about.

Will I fly or will I fall?

I love the air for now.

 

Then I did this drawing, which I liked. It was late and I did not write anything about it. It seems to me that in it the pain and the growth are intermingled.

 

Fire and growth

Fire and growth

 

And I did this drawing today, feeling very strange and wanting to become clear. 

How can I do all that

How can I do all that?

This time I looked at all the shapes and asked myself what did they want to do? Then I scrambled the lines.

 

I came here:

To shoot, but didn’t

To shout a traditional shout

To make you think you have a hidden power

To hold for all to see

To help you know transparently the source of all actions

To help you be made into a different entity

To provide a roof

From which to fall

And fly in the air

To hint about the light

To love you subtly

To house all hearts

To grow inside of you and me

To see beyond the physical appearance

To sneak up on your dreams

To point at you in space

To make you feel ill until you puke

And to give you a village

To plant your hurts

In the earth

  

Now, how do you do that?

23. Flickering animation at 4 AM

It is 4 in the morning. I have not slept for hours due to the pain. It is pretty strong this night. I take the little hand-held and turn it on. The little screen almost blinds me. Trembling with pain I draw. My stylus slips and catches the yellow color. A short yellow line is made. I love mistakes. I go along with it and it becomes a little tree. Something is growing, I feel, with a lot of pain. The nerves repair themselves and reconnect to the muscles. This is what I think. I can feel the energy going through me like a strong current.

Pain 1

Pain 1

I do another one. Electricity moves through the broken nerves and pain scatters all around.

Pain 2

Pain 2

The pain intensifies

Pain 3

Pain 3

Still strong 

Pain 4

Pain 4

Then lessens

Pain 5

Pain 5

Intensifies again 

Pain 6

Pain 6

 Still full, but weaker 

Pain 7

Pain 7

Suddenly a woman appears 

Pain 8

Pain 8

Disintegrates 

Pain 9

Pain 9

And appears again, with some dramatic lines between me and her, as if saying: no, Don’t pass.

Pain 10

Pain 10

The pain is about 40 percent strength. I fall asleep.

22. Pain 2 at Wu

I am sitting at Nussbaum & Wu, around the corner from where I live, for coffee and cake. I am celebrating my 20th blog post. There are 21 already, but 20 is a nicer number for a milestone.

As I sit at a table, my foot hurts like hell. I take out my hand-held computer and open the drawing program “Pocket Brush.” Last time I looked at the website where I bought it, it wasn’t there any more. But I have it here.

Pain at Wu

Pain at Wu

I draw one drawing and the pain is still here. I draw it again, seeing how it has changed already. By the time I finish #2 the pain is gone. Isn’t this so much better than medication? 

Pain 2 at Wu

Pain 2 at Wu

21. Do this and see me in the morning

Follow your heart

Follow your heart

When I looked at the pictures of the last posting, there was an advice stated in them. It is the clear direction that showed itself more and more clearly, as I moved from drawing one to drawing three. It is: To do what it is for me to do in this life, in spite of not being perfect. It is to accept all that is imperfect and move forward in my life. This is the advice that was given this time.

Intuition never deals with the past or the future. It always deals with now. And it is practical. It does not give you information, so that you can put it in your life story as a fact or write a scholarly article with new definitions of the human condition. It is impossible to stabilize your findings, because their nature is change. So what comes through the intuitive flow always ends up as something practical to do now, and if you do that, you will feel good. You will know that you are doing what you have to do in this life.

The way we are being taught in school to know, is to find some stable truth. Everyone knows that the stability of what is considered to be true today is short lived. Some time from now there will be a change of paradigm. Some details in the way life behaves wouldn’t fit in with what is believed to be true and when enough incongruity occurs, the paradigm will have to change. If you want to find stability, you have to be in movement. You have to respond to circumstances as they arise, and do it in the deepest way that you can, or the most beautiful way that you can. So the only thing that remains stable is the trust that you develop in your intuition or your sense of beauty. It is a bit different from the way we were taught to live. You never know what will come toward you from life and what will come to you from your intuition. But trusting intuition and doing what is recommended through it, makes you feel good, and gradually this feeling-good becomes what accompanies you through all your life. It is the measure of how you trust your intuition.

The aim of therapy or healing is to feel good in a true and deep way. Here you have a solution.

When your trust in intuition becomes stable and constant, then you have a feeling that you even do not do anything. Instead, everything happens. Things appear in the world, response appears from within you, there is an action taken. And where are you? You have disappeared. As long as you doubt intuition, you have a struggle within you. One side wants to respond according to your subconscious programs, another side wants to trust intuition. So there must be a choice to be made and something to do, to overcome resistance and to follow your heart. In this behavior there is a “you”. If you don’t have any doubt, the “you” is not there. Do you want to try this?

20. Dealing with my shame

This is going to be a long posting, with three pictures. It is all one process, and I want it to be together.

I got up in the morning, opened the blog and felt: Oh dear! What did I do yesterday? And a wave of deep shame came over me. I could do it alone at home. I do not have to put it out there. And I figured that this moment was the best time to start working on shame, as I promised that I’d do.

I talked to my intuition: Draw what I feel now. Intuition is very fast. Once you decide what it is that you ask, it knows already, and all you have to do is just do an intuitive-flow drawing. I put my brush to the paints.

A tower of bats

A tower of bats


 

 

The going-in-with-words brought this:

 

Long, long ago

In the place from which

The dark memories come

Health was not important.

Sweeping thoughts

Bring sorrow now

And I blush.

My pain tries to cover

My longing.

The signs are fleeting and vague

The waves come to the shore

From my true aspiration

But I build a tower of bats.

The big men are dancing at night

Oh, so light

With disturbing energy

Layers upon layers.

 

I decided not to elaborate on this at all. Just reading gives me enough handles on this experience. I do not want to define it to death. I know there is a way to go ahead of me, and a fleeting experience of what has come to the paper is enough for now, to generate a sense of knowing. Structures of thought in the subconscious were touched and shaken a little. I do not have to be violent. I’ll go in there again with a new drawing and see what is going on now.

Starting to move away

Starting to move away

 

And going-in-with-words brought this:

 

I am trying now

Supported by my pain.

I listen to my sadness

And still hear the hard workers

In the basement.

It was so long ago

I am jumping now, ain’t I?

Sticking my head out

Look at me:

I am walking.

And in the basement

My old story

Is unraveling.

 

Again I decide not to elaborate on this.

I just jot down quickly what I see:

I’m moving. There is sadness. Pain helps me walk. Horror in the basement.

 

I do another drawing:

 

Reaching the soft clouds

Reaching the soft clouds

This time the writing just flowed out of me complete:

 

Here we are leaving the old earth

Venturing into space

Our daring is unbelievable

We are not afraid

When the sun goes red

As it sinks

New soft clouds

Come all around us

We open our eyes

We have no words.

 

As soon as I finish, something stirs in my mind and this comes out:

 

Just as we are,

With the dark side

With the pain

With the memories

We go.

 

And soon after, this comes:

 

Accepting now

That I am not perfect

And with whatever I carry

I walk

And do

My life’s work. 

 

At this point I already know that something good has happened. I feel satisfaction. I know this feeling. Something real was done to become freer. As I said it before, some mental structures were shaken from their places, where they were holding on to the idea of “me”, and as soon as they moved, some fresh air came in from who-I-am. It was a step from being blindly activated by hidden beliefs, to being open to intuition.

This is what we are here for, on this earth. 

 

And here is another thought. How can I do it to myself? How can I heal myself? Don’t I need someone else there, to be detached enough to see what I do not see, to catch me when my thought patters make me stray from seeing what is there?

This can be done because by being in an intuitive flow I detach myself from my mind. I am in a place to where the power of thoughts does not reach. Only in this way I can do it. And you can do it too, with yourself and with others.

I want to add another thing. The depth of this work is amazing. When you look at the last drawing you can see that it seems that the more solid part is in the right side, while the left is just starting to be something. One of the healers that I saw told me that on my right side my aura was full, but was almost not there on the left side. Am I growing my aura to the left side too now? By the way, my painful foot is.. you guessed it: the left one.

Another thing is that you can see the beginning of the last drawing in the second drawing. Already in the second drawing there is a rounded shape on the lower right, from which things come out and up toward the left side. Knowing this, it is possible to see, though in a very obscure way, that this structure could be hiding in the first drawing already. Isn’t this what all the wise people tell us? The solution has always been in you. All you have to do is see it.

19. the pain forces me to look at it

I am starting the process of accepting everything, beginning with shame, guilt and fear about sex. 

This day I have a lot of pain in my foot. It has not stopped throughout the night and all the hours of this morning. The pain is so strong that all my body shakes from it. I will have to deal with the pain before I can do anything else.

 

Pain in the foot

Pain in the foot

I draw the pain, the way I feel it. I add the grey line that defines the location of the foot and the phone rings. The pain has gone down, just from doing this. When I finish the call in a few minutes, I don’t have pain. More precisely I do have a sense of itchiness that is not so strong, in all the places where the pain was before. It is amazing how powerful it is to just draw the pain. But you have to know: In the past, when I did this, I mostly needed four or five drawings of the pain, all the time following the way it kept changing, until it stopped. Drawing the pain is, in my experience the best way to fully accept it and anything else that you draw, because you become interested in it. You do not come from wanting to eliminate it, but from curiosity. You act on your curiosity, you become aware of all the sensations of the pain and as a result, the pain starts to change. At the same time, your brain develops new neurons and connections in these moments and you become more alive. Long-term pain sometimes makes people feel depressed. Becoming more alive, through this process acts against this tendency. This is another benefit.

At this time I finished my pictorial description of the pain. As I look at the drawing, my sense of beauty kicks in and tells me that the drawing still wants more. I trust my sense of beauty, and now, that the pain has subsided, I follow its guidance. If the sense of beauty wants me to continue, it usually means that my intuition has a message for me. I work intuitively and this is how it looks in the end.

 

Pain and what is around it

Pain and what is around it

When I look at the composition it tells me that the pain is a clearer manifestation of things that are less clear. Those stones or clouds conglomerate there and prevent flow. Maybe they are not so strongly connected, and can be moved by a good kick? There are two places where energy escapes or dissolves. They are the green part above the foot and the green line under the grey stone. The other lines in that area seem to be too strongly connected to the blue stone, so energy does not really leave the place through them.

It also seems that the pain phenomena is trying to push the stones away. Here I have to say something important: I know that there is no way to win through fighting and pushing anything away. Everything that we push away today will come back stronger tomorrow, so to speak. So this drawing provides me with a hint about something that I can do. I can eliminate the conflict between the pain and the stones. When two things fight and no one wants to give way, they become stuck, which in this case means that the pain stays, because it is in a fight with the stones. Do you see how clear the intuition sees?

And it would be very interesting to see what the green does. Where does it go? Where does it take the energy from? It is important to know, because it is one place where there is flow.

Do you see how rich and wonderful this kind of work is? 

I look at the stones again and this time I give them names.

The magenta stone is pain, but this one is emotional.

The grey stones are “Can’t remember what I am. I am so old. But I am so strongly habituated to be as I am that I’m not going to change now.

The dark blue stone is Moody, has been treated unfairly, angry and making some big impression with the lines underneath it.

The lined cloud is just an old anger, still lingering.

How do I know?

It just comes to me without thinking. So I believe it. I could also say that I just feel these things, because they have that kind of energy in them, in their shapes, colors and textures, and they connect in my mind, when I listen very keenly, to the ideas that I expressed above. 

Something is growing in the green area and feels positive. If this picture was the description of an economical disaster and I had to choose a direction to go, to save everybody, I would go with the green. It feels to be going in a good direction. 

Maybe it is possible to say that some of the stones start moving. The blue definitely does. The lined cloud does not seem to have much power. Maybe the green is the first sign of something new growing? 

I did not say anything about the brown stone in the middle. It seems to be new, did not grow to become big yet, maybe not a big deal. Maybe it is the habit of the local cells to be in pain and struggle, and just starting to become a fixed shape?

18. Enticed, unloved and confused.

The deer

On the snow covered

Mountains

Knows

That autumn is near

From the echo

Of his

Own voice.

 

This is the picture for this post.

It is a free translation from Hebrew of a haiku by Leah Goldberg, an Israeli poet. She is not alive any more.

I just remembered it.

I know we are heading into summer. But I felt like this deer on the top of a desolate mountain, when I was in the gap.

I’ll tell you what happened in the gap time.

I had a sexual storm.

I felt the urge to have sex. With it came a lot of guilt, shame and fear. Since I am dealing with it now, everything appeared strong and clear. I made many drawings and wrote many poems. Some were the most pornographic things I have ever dared to write. Some were so sad that I cried. I looked at all of that and saw that there was no love in it. There was the pain of the lack of love.

In everything that I do there is love involved, and the sexual area is the only one where, until now, instead of love there were the sense of deprivation, shame, guilt and fear, no matter what I did. OK, not only. But there are in my subconscious mind some deposits of these feelings and now they are under a magnifying glass. There is a sense of longing for love, and deep sorrow for not having it, again, no matter how much love I received and how much sex I had or didn’t have. This is why I started with a poem about loneliness.

All these drawings and writings did something to move these old habitual patterns in the mind and disentangle them from their attachment to the idea of me.

Then something happened.

I suddenly felt great love to all the people who suffer like me. I saw how similar we are in our longing to be loved through sex. We all had our reasons for the feelings that we have, and they may be different from each other. But we all die to be loved. And maybe, in a deeper way, we all die to be able to give love through sex. This is the clue: To give love through everything that we choose to do. And what is love? It is a complete acceptance of who we are and the other is. Because a complete acceptance allows for change. Change that happens in this way means that old constricting patterns leave us, and our natural flow becomes who we are. 

So here is the thought that I have now:

All that is healthy and natural happens on its own, if nothing stops it from happening. I cannot create by will what the healthy and happy state is. But if I allow everything that stands in the way to leave me, into that space that opens, the natural state will stream, just as the feeling of love came into me before. 

In the next posting or postings I’ll go through this process and you will see how I do it.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.