24. A long report of where I am now

Time passes. It doesn’t really, but we say so. I still had to work on my guilt and fear. But again pain got hold of me, as you saw in the last entries. At night, I imagined doing a drawing of my guilt. It was like a big, dark cocoon, flying diagonally in the middle of the page and then it disintegrated and opened up to a soft sky. Imagining works too. 

I also left unheeded the ideas that the first drawing of pain in posting #19 had brought up; the chance to resolve contradictions in the drawing and the idea to follow the green. These seem to be very good ideas to follow. I do more than can get into the blog. So now I decide to report of where I am now. Somehow, one day all these unconnected reports will make good sense together. For now, I’ll just show you things as they are. And oh, I feel relieved from the shame. It worked. When I think about it now I feel that whatever was there is not a big deal any more. Not my main issue for sure. The fear, connected to the pain, the way the body shows me that it really does not like the pain, seems to be a more pregnant issue to deal with now. When the pain goes crazy at night I meditate in such a way that I find the emotions behind how I shake physically, and at times the shaking stops, I feel calm, in spite of the raging pain, and meet an endless pit of fear. Sometimes this fear jumps to my throat. No matter where it is, I stay with it until I fall asleep. For sure it will be a good idea to relate to it with a drawing. Maybe it will come. 

Yesterday I did this drawing.

Fly or fall

Fly or fall

I looked at different parts of it and sentences came to me, which I wrote in the order that they came. When I looked at the collection of sentences I saw that I did not have to do anything with them. They were ready to be read.

 

I am making a glorious show

Almost falling as I fly

And bleeding at the foot.

I’m going, I’m going strong

In spite of having had a weak beginning.

And I can, I can, I can

Though

I do not know

What it is about.

Will I fly or will I fall?

I love the air for now.

 

Then I did this drawing, which I liked. It was late and I did not write anything about it. It seems to me that in it the pain and the growth are intermingled.

 

Fire and growth

Fire and growth

 

And I did this drawing today, feeling very strange and wanting to become clear. 

How can I do all that

How can I do all that?

This time I looked at all the shapes and asked myself what did they want to do? Then I scrambled the lines.

 

I came here:

To shoot, but didn’t

To shout a traditional shout

To make you think you have a hidden power

To hold for all to see

To help you know transparently the source of all actions

To help you be made into a different entity

To provide a roof

From which to fall

And fly in the air

To hint about the light

To love you subtly

To house all hearts

To grow inside of you and me

To see beyond the physical appearance

To sneak up on your dreams

To point at you in space

To make you feel ill until you puke

And to give you a village

To plant your hurts

In the earth

  

Now, how do you do that?

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My Pages

The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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