intuitiveflow

We are visiting our grandchild, Luca, for two days. He is eight weeks old and very sweet.

The pain prevents me from walking, when everybody walks on the beach. I do some drawings while there. One of them seems more significant:

A daring muscle

The words:

Here is a daring muscle

Pushing something away

But that thing says

You don’t want to go there.

A bat flies very close suddenly

He has just swallowed something

And as he leaves

I am alone again

With a forced smile

I remember from my training

To aim and block at the same time

The night grows dark violet

And as in all nights

My throat feels stretched.

As soon as I finish I jot down fast:

The muscle is me.

The no is about sex.

The bat is those for whom there is no “no.”

Forced smile is pretending everything is OK.

Block and aim is a feeling of a need for protection.

The throat thing is still there.

This is one thing.

The second is the pain, which is becoming stronger and more insistent. At night, when the pain increases, and my whole body shakes and becomes tense, I tell myself: Go deeper, go deeper. Then I imagine growing my aura more and more, and I start feeling that I am the aura. I start seeing things in the environment and then farther and farther away. When I identify with the aura even more, the body relaxes suddenly and becomes loose.

When I stay in this state longer, I start seeing that in my imagination the environment that I see changes from beautiful and pleasant to horrible, then back to beautiful and so on, back and forth.

Sometimes I draw the pain during the day. I’ll show you two series. In the first of the two, I just drew the pain, it kept changing, and in the last drawing the dark figures appeared again, as in postings #26 and #28.

In the second series I painted the nerves. I’ll say more when I show the pictures.

These are the things to dive into now: The neck thing, the figures that appear in the background of the pain and the nerves.

I’ll show the two pain related series in the next two postings.

(The workshop was successful. I did many workshops or presentations before. I always prepared well and knew what I would say and do. I always left enough things undecided, so that intuition will be able to come into the talking and doing too. But I also had worries about success, about people loving me in the end, about being successful and many more worries. This time, when I had worries I also had the feeling that this was not about me at all. I was in service of something bigger than me, that I was in touch with. I knew, from all the communications with my intuition before the workshop, that it was going to be good, and that this was what I needed to do, if I wanted to trust intuition. And when the workshop was in process I felt as if I was not there at all. Yes, there was this body there, and even all the mental structures and reactions that are still active, but this was not about that. It was about transferring something that came through me, and I had to move it on to the participants. It felt so strange not to be worried in this way.

I also noticed that when I did the presentation, in the beginning of the workshop, I used words and ways of explaining that I have never used before. I did not prepare for them. They just came to my mouth. I knew what to do every time something had to be done.

My life partner, Anita helped me arrange the place and collect the payments. The checks and the money bills were in a folder, and almost fell out when we ate somewhere, before going home. In the next day I found the money in the folder and counted it. It was not much, for all the work that I had done to prepare, especially considering the payments for the space and for the paper. I wanted to have good paper and a good place.

Suddenly, as I was looking at the money I felt the fume of sweetness infuses itself throughout my being. This was the sweetest money I have ever made. Once I stepped up to where I had to be, doing what life wanted me to do, everything that came back to me was sweet. This includes, of course, the fact that most of the participants want to continue and learn more.

I want to tell you folks: Follow your intuition. Nothing compares to this feeling. I already know:

There will be many people who know how to work with intuition, and many more healed people in the world.)

The day after the eight drawings day I did two drawings related to the feeling in the throat. Here is the first: 

The water with the red and the black

And here are the words:

The light is behind it always.

Look at me mommy

What is it?

The water that was good and strong

The water that we admired

Is dead.

Something horrible happened

Is it something in my mommy’s memories?

What I craved

And the light is behind it always

And what I am growing into

Has gotten red and black

As if, as soon as I want to grow

Something hits the glee of growing

What is it?

What is it that is bleeding?

Why do the water have blood and darkness?

I immediately started another drawing. This one was totally different.

Here it is:

Explosion of growth

And the wording of it:

The apple blooms

It hurts as it does

It has to push away the cold

It has to push through pain

And then it becomes

Beautiful

Soft

Surprising

Huge

Powerful

Free.

This time, unpredictably, it took only two drawings to come to wonder.

This is drawing #2. Number one of the day was described in the previous posting.

Once I decided to free my throat, I did this drawing. I focused on the feeling of the pressure on my thyroid gland and allowed intuition to draw.

The pressure on my thyroid

I looked at the forms in the drawing and asked what they wanted or what they did.

You know the drill. Here is the final text:

If you want to be a bone for someone else to chew on

Go hide in a pit

Whisper in someone’s ear without a bold move

Hug someone as a scared child, wanting help

Dream about sex

Preach with hand gestures

Cry as a dog to the moon

And look down, as if you are a cloud

Looking for a place to pour your water.

I did not have to think more about these words. I leave it up to you if you want to do it. Instead of playing more with words or trying to figure out what the words meant, I could draw again. I felt an emotional upset and drawing was a better thing to do than thinking. This is drawing #3.

Upset and confused

And here are the words:

Feeling insufficient

And struggling, he gets tired

And ends up feeling heavy.

But what is the alternative?

Being angrily alive?

It is cloudy and grey

Over the barren land.

You know what it is that I was doing, right? I was not going to stop drawing and writing until my mood, when I look at my last drawing, changes to wonder. And at this moment I was angry. Once you start the process the emotions change from one to another, and you never know what you’ll find in your next drawing until you make it. It is a good and healthy process, by which you can learn about your subconscious habits in fighting against change. Look at how my subconscious fights. And all I do is streaming intuition again and again through me to see what is going on. Every time you witness something from the intuitive flow perspective, it changes. It is a good thing to know. And because intuition is loving and knowing, the changes are toward freedom from suffering. It may not look so at first, because as one emotion is dislodged, another one pops up. But this happens in a wise order, and as you let every emotion be experienced and witnessed, they all go eventually and leave you free, at least for a while. Then you have to do it again. Chances are that in the second time the process will be shorter.

Here is drawing #4:

Naughty children

This was a strange one. All the figures looked like bad children who behave in annoying ways to get attention. Here are the words that came:

A man walks unevenly, making strange signs with his hand

The dog is waiting to be commanded

To perform a mischief

A tree bough pretends to be a giraffe

A white cat, browned by mud hangs upside down

A huge bird lands heavily

Her tail is a man, swimming backward

And a flower leans back in amazement

All things bold and crazy.

That’s the child, wanting attention. It means that at some point there was a need for unconditional love that was not given. Becoming obsessed with this happens to so many people. This search can never be satisfied.

Then #5:

Imagined aggression

And the words:

He was big and pushy

Moving through everything

Expecting to be loved

Expecting the water to come

And make the blood forgotten

But in the dark alleys

Of the soot covered city

People talked

With the blood in their heads.

#6:

Something breaks through

Like air rushing with excitement

Pushing aside everything around it

Like a disordered flower

Breaking through

A delicate village

And a tree

Both with the alarm lights

Turned on.

Clearly something is happening here. Something new is breaking through, but I feel I haven’t come to a place of peace yet.

So I draw #7:

A new structure fighting to be

And the words:

I’m organized

I’m stable

I’m growing a strong structure

Aggressively

Each part supports the other

Till they turn

More and more

Airy.

I was very surprised when this drawing came into being. I remembered a patient who, in her last session explored an aggressive feeling that she had. She was about to start her own business, and felt she needed some aggression. All we did was to allow the sense of beauty build her aggression in the most beautiful way, so it will also be loving and harmonious with her intuition.

I wanted to do at least one more step, as I felt I did not want to leave the process with aggression. This was a more positive feeling than all of the previous ones, but I felt the need to go on.

Here s the last drawing, # 8:

The wonder starts

And its words:

And then

A very delicate

And slightly injured

Structure of light

Appeared

A different kind of being

Supported by

The space.

At this time it was late, and I agreed with myself that I could leave the process for now. It took a day, from morning to night. I knew it has not ended yet. But it was definitely a much better place than the beginning. I also knew where it was going. It was toward moving my identification away from the physical world and the personality to the ever–present awareness. The next drawing would have been an empty page.

This is how you can stream intuition through an energetic blockage again and again, as it goes through changes. At some point enough habitual patterns are released, so that the natural light starts to shine.

Let’s see what were the changes:

1. (In the previous posting) A feeling that a new front is coming and a change is about to happen. The old habits prepare to fight.

2. Feelings of being a victim and being confused.

3. A repetitious sense of fight or flight, accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness.

4. A feeling of not being loved and seeking attention rebelliously.

5. Aggression, or maybe sexual aggression.

6. A feeling that something new and fresh, though not orderly, is coming through the habitual patterns that exist now. The current paradigm is breaking apart and is alarmed.

7. Feeling the need for some aggression, to support the growth of something new and beautiful.

8. A shift starts to happen towards the wondrous.

Two days come now, in which I struggle with a core issue. It is not important to know what the core issue is. I feel it strongly and I work with the feeling or the experience. I find that sometimes the issues are so complicated when they appear as stories, that it does not help at all to know what they are. Once you know one thing about the issue, it turns out it is not this but something else, and so it goes. Words are fishy, when you want them to describe something that does not want to be described. But if you work with the feeling or the experience in the body, these don’t lie, and the issue ends up changing without even knowing what it was. Eventually you may know what it was, when its end comes. Or you know that it was not so important anyway.

So how do I know it is a core issue?

It is an experience that I have had all my life. It has always been with me. If I sit quietly and let the words go wherever they go, when I do not use them to tell myself what I experience, I become somewhat more peaceful. Space opens up around me. Then I realize that I feel this pressure in my throat. It is as if something is pressing on my thyroid gland. There is nothing there, but I feel as if there is. Sometimes this comes together with another pressure from behind the neck. This area in my body has suffered a lot throughout life. Many years ago my thyroid gland stopped producing sufficient hormone for the body. A few years later I had cancer in that neighborhood. The cancer was taken away and the hormone is being supplemented. But the feeling of pressure is there. I have decided to get into the work of freeing my throat. 

Before I start, I want to say what the fight is. Nobody is going to be killed. I turn the flow of intuition so that it goes through this place in the body, through the feeling and through everything that intuition finds relevant. It comes again and again, with another drawing and another drawing, until beauty appears. Until my heart melts when I see the drawing.

In the first day I did eight drawing, and in the last there was some relief. In the second day I did two and in the second drawing beauty appeared. I still feel the pressure there, so the fight has not ended. 

Since this text is long already, I’ll include here only the first drawing, which started the series, and the words that came to help me experience it more. Here is the drawing:

New frontier

I had an unsettled feeling when I woke up and I made this drawing to find out what was going on. I did not expect to feel this way. Here are the words:

The mustard warmth expands in the air

Soon it will touch the cold, organized jello

The sea moves, pretending to be quiet

The clouds attack

Causing casualties and blood

And all of this happens

In endless peace.

How does this relate to me, I asked?

This is me, I knew. It happens inside of me. I am the space in which this happens and everything in it.

It felt like a new front is coming and my operating paradigm is about to change. At least there is a struggle here. I had a feeling that sometimes change is only from one condition to another, and not so meaningful. I wanted to prevent this from happening and this is what drove me to direct my attention to this core issue.

Let’s start with a day of pain. I wanted to post this drawing alone, without saying anything, but the plan has changed.

Pain

 Now a second day like this has come, and a third day. And in the third day I have an appointment at the place where that workshop is taking place, to try all the technical stuff relating to the projection of a presentation. I have to walk a few blocks to the subway station, and from the one where I exit the train, walk again several blocks to where the workshop will take place. Then there is waking and standing there, and all the trip back. As my foot hurts like crazy in the morning, I consider canceling this appointment. I don’t want to exacerbate the pain and what causes it.

But keeping the appointment is part of doing the presentation and workshop in a good way, without pressure. It is a good idea to try things ahead of time so I can fix them in case it is necessary.

I don’t know, in this morning, what is more important: Allowing the foot to rest, or keeping all the plans moving. I love being in other places. I love walking in the streets. But should I, when the condition of the foot is so bad?

I decide to ask intuition.

This is the drawing that was made.

Flow, fly and go

 And these are the words, resulting from going-in-with-words. I collected the words by describing what different parts of the drawing were doing:

I am dancing very lightly

In the light

Moving to a place of meaning

Where everything is joy

I bend right

And look to the left with fear

It is an old habit showing

But I am peaceful

In the local flow

Moving to fulfillment.

So I go. And the foot hurts like hell sometimes, and less at other times. And in one of the places where I have to wait I find a new way to sooth the pain with energy work.

I imagine that there is a ball of energy, floating a little bit away from my knee. You can see in the drawing how I sit and where the ball is in the beginning.

Moving the ball of energy

Then I move this ball, in my imagination, through the lower part of the leg and the foot, till it comes out from the other side and takes a little distance from there. Then I move it back through the foot and lower part of the leg in the opposite direction, until it comes to where it was in the beginning. I do this again and again back and forth. Sitting in the subway, my eyes are closed and I move them under the lids, to follow where the ball of energy moves. I can also help the ball move with my hands, but I don’t want to do this in the subway.

That’s it. After a while the pain goes away and everything becomes quiet.

Do you want to try?

The more vividly you see the ball in your imagination, the better it works.

You see, every single time that I work with intuitive flow, something good happens. There are no dead days and no bad sessions. It is the same when, in my sessions with patients, they use intuitive flow.

It will be the same for you too, when you use intuitive flow on yourself, and if you work with other people, when you teach them how to use it too.

You may find out that they heal faster than you thought possible. And maybe they will end up leaving you faster than you want, but this is another issue.

I showed my life partner posting #34, “I am that.”

She had an operation on her eyes and it was hard for her to read, so she asked me to make the computer read it aloud. We like doing it sometimes. The computer spoke. Some of the sentences sounded not as they should have, but if you stuck to the words, you could get the story all right. When the computer voice finished reading, I looked at her.

She had tears in her eyes.

This was the most acknowledging gesture I cold ever have.

This froze me.

You see, when you are in the process of working on yourself, even tendencies that almost disappeared in the past, become magnified. There is still work to be done with them.

I drew this freeze.

Blocked love

Already as I drew I saw:

I saw the explosive arising of wanting to be loved mixed with loving back, based on having been truly listened to. This is everything in red.

Then I saw the blockage, in the green line that said: No, you are not giving love back because it is not true that you are loved and accepted. You have tons of memories to prove that it is not true.

Then I saw the stain on my life, the dark shape in the upper right side, which is the reason why a woman would not love me and accept who I am. Yes, What I wrote may be good, but there is that other part of me too, the part of what I did long, long ago, in some far away life.

Then I saw that after the blockage there was grey, more grey and more grey. And the grey was spotted with pain.

It was made clear to me, oh, so clear, that all of these are self-made. All the parts of this picture are in my own mind. They are nothing but pictures in my mind. 

The key to understanding this is that even the longing to be loved is wrong. It is longing to be loved for safety and it is returning only a conditional love. If you understand me and support me, I’ll love you back. If you don’t, I’ll withhold my love. This is not the kind of love to dream about.

This is a core issue.

Same day as the last post, later, I sit in a dark corner of The Hungarian Pastry Shop. It is a street cleaning day. My car is double parked nearby and I am waiting for the right time to drive it back to my street and park it there. I need to make some money fast and decide to ask my intuition what to do about it. I have my markers and pencils with me. Because of the darkness I don’t even see the yellow when I paint it in. I just know it is there, and that my intuition asked me to put it there. Now in the post I see that the yellow has turned into ochre. You can imagine yellow.

 Here are the words that come:

It is dense here

And busy

People are making swift moves

To grab at where the action is

And one of them

Is feeling like a baby

Playing and being protected

The sun is shining everywhere

And trees are growing

Everybody runs for something

But the baby has a vision

And is calm

He holds the embryo

Of good things to come.

I tune in to my emotions when the pain just doesn’t stop at night. I stay with them and find that there is some pressure in my throat. It is as if someone is pressing on my thyroid gland. I remember that I basically always feel this pressure. But it becomes emphasized when I struggle with the pain. Looked at from another angle, it is possible to say: The pain is here to impress this experience of the pressured thyroid on me, so I can become aware of it more than usually, so I can deal with it.

This is a core issue. 

It seems that 4 AM is the time for discoveries for me. I did this drawing at another one of those 4 AM’s. 

Long, long ago

Going-in-with-words brought this:

What do you want

My friend,

Being afraid and turning away?

It does not stink here any more.

The sprayed red is old.

Stop shaking.

Look at the stars

Flying by.

You are soaked with old blood.

Let the soft fog

Comfort you.

You don’t have

To shamefully recoil

Any more.

I can see how you

Want to hold on

To something true.

You are shocked,

You think that you cannot grow

And want

To escape. 

This speaks about an old shock, and it also says what so many healers have told me before: This was long ago. It was horrible, but you do not have to carry this with you any more. It is time to let go of this horror and be free to grow now.

The difference between this time and the other times, when the healers said this to me, is that this time it is my intuition that speaks. When my intuition speaks, changes are made in my subconscious mind. My automatic underground machine of reactions to life’s events is being changed into a more forgiving one.