42. The long fight

This is drawing #2. Number one of the day was described in the previous posting.

Once I decided to free my throat, I did this drawing. I focused on the feeling of the pressure on my thyroid gland and allowed intuition to draw.

 

The pressure on my thyroid

The pressure on my thyroid

I looked at the forms in the drawing and asked what they wanted or what they did.

You know the drill. Here is the final text:

 

If you want to be a bone for someone else to chew on

Go hide in a pit

Whisper in someone’s ear without a bold move

Hug someone as a scared child, wanting help

Dream about sex

Preach with hand gestures

Cry as a dog to the moon

And look down, as if you are a cloud

Looking for a place to pour your water.

 

I did not have to think more about these words. I leave it up to you if you want to do it. Instead of playing more with words or trying to figure out what the words meant, I could draw again. I felt an emotional upset and drawing was a better thing to do than thinking. This is drawing #3.

 

Upset and confused

Upset and confused

And here are the words:

 

Feeling insufficient

And struggling, he gets tired

And ends up feeling heavy.

But what is the alternative?

Being angrily alive?

It is cloudy and grey

Over the barren land.

 

You know what it is that I was doing, right? I was not going to stop drawing and writing until my mood, when I look at my last drawing, changes to wonder. And at this moment I was angry. Once you start the process the emotions change from one to another, and you never know what you’ll find in your next drawing until you make it. It is a good and healthy process, by which you can learn about your subconscious habits in fighting against change. Look at how my subconscious fights. And all I do is streaming intuition again and again through me to see what is going on. Every time you witness something from the intuitive flow perspective, it changes. It is a good thing to know. And because intuition is loving and knowing, the changes are toward freedom from suffering. It may not look so at first, because as one emotion is dislodged, another one pops up. But this happens in a wise order, and as you let every emotion be experienced and witnessed, they all go eventually and leave you free, at least for a while. Then you have to do it again. Chances are that in the second time the process will be shorter.

 

Here is drawing #4:

 

Naughty children

Naughty children

 

This was a strange one. All the figures looked like bad children who behave in annoying ways to get attention. Here are the words that came:

 

A man walks unevenly, making strange signs with his hand

The dog is waiting to be commanded

To perform a mischief

A tree bough pretends to be a giraffe

A white cat, browned by mud hangs upside down

A huge bird lands heavily

Her tail is a man, swimming backward

And a flower leans back in amazement

All things bold and crazy.

 

That’s the child, wanting attention. It means that at some point there was a need for unconditional love that was not given. Becoming obsessed with this happens to so many people. This search can never be satisfied.

 

Then #5:

 

Imagined aggression

Imagined aggression

And the words:

 

He was big and pushy

Moving through everything

Expecting to be loved

Expecting the water to come

And make the blood forgotten

But in the dark alleys

Of the soot covered city

People talked

With the blood in their heads.

 

#6:

 

Something breaks through

Something breaks through

Like air rushing with excitement

Pushing aside everything around it

Like a disordered flower

Breaking through

A delicate village

And a tree

Both with the alarm lights

Turned on.

 

Clearly something is happening here. Something new is breaking through, but I feel I haven’t come to a place of peace yet.

So I draw #7:

 

A new structure fighting to be

A new structure fighting to be

And the words:

 

I’m organized

I’m stable

I’m growing a strong structure

Aggressively

Each part supports the other

Till they turn

More and more

Airy.

 

I was very surprised when this drawing came into being. I remembered a patient who, in her last session explored an aggressive feeling that she had. She was about to start her own business, and felt she needed some aggression. All we did was to allow the sense of beauty build her aggression in the most beautiful way, so it will also be loving and harmonious with her intuition.

I wanted to do at least one more step, as I felt I did not want to leave the process with aggression. This was a more positive feeling than all of the previous ones, but I felt the need to go on.

Here s the last drawing, # 8:

The wonder starts

The wonder starts

 

And its words:

 

And then

A very delicate

And slightly injured

Structure of light

Appeared

A different kind of being

Supported by

The space.

 

At this time it was late, and I agreed with myself that I could leave the process for now. It took a day, from morning to night. I knew it has not ended yet. But it was definitely a much better place than the beginning. I also knew where it was going. It was toward moving my identification away from the physical world and the personality to the ever–present awareness. The next drawing would have been an empty page.

 

This is how you can stream intuition through an energetic blockage again and again, as it goes through changes. At some point enough habitual patterns are released, so that the natural light starts to shine.

 

Let’s see what were the changes:

1. (In the previous posting) A feeling that a new front is coming and a change is about to happen. The old habits prepare to fight.

2. Feelings of being a victim and being confused.

3. A repetitious sense of fight or flight, accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness.

4. A feeling of not being loved and seeking attention rebelliously.

5. Aggression, or maybe sexual aggression.

6. A feeling that something new and fresh, though not orderly, is coming through the habitual patterns that exist now. The current paradigm is breaking apart and is alarmed.

7. Feeling the need for some aggression, to support the growth of something new and beautiful.

8. A shift starts to happen towards the wondrous.

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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