Archive for October, 2011

76. Loving the obnoxious

Old as time

Old as time

I am shaking and am twisted from the pain (says the red)

I am so strong and overwhelming that I need to say the same thing several times. (says the red)

I include contrasting colors to show that there are many aspects of me. (Says the whole picture)

There is even a light aspect of me.

There is death aspect of me and eternity.

There is beauty aspect of me.

It feels I am as old as time itself.

Thinking about it: Since there is no time there must be no pain.

If I go to the state in which I experience no time, there will be no pain in it.

Pain is like a comet moving in space. It is like the beginning of life, when gases and dust traveled through space

and collided with other bodies of gas and dust to create a planet

with heat inside, water on the surface,

and don’t forget the air

and the sun.

This was done at 4:30 in the morning. Later this night I understood what it means to love what is hard to love. As I was lying in bed, expecting the pain to subside enough so that I could fall asleep, the pain did not subside. I imagined myself going into the body and looking at the place where the pain is. I saw that place like an underground dark river, where buildings stood on stilts in the river. But the stilts were broken and their bottom parts were missing. so nothing held the buildings from the bottom side, but the buildings were connected to the top  of the cave and to the walls, so they did not fall. The columns were black, as if they were burned, and everything was dead. This is what I saw as the place where the pain was. How can you love a place like this? I brought my hands to that inner scene and took the whole thing in my arms, then brought it to my heart and hugged it. It was dead.

I knew that if I hold it like this long enough something in it will start coming back to life. I saw many faces, some frightening, I saw people jumping from a burning building, I saw many other sights as I was holding that thing to my heart. And then it started to change into trees, the water became pleasant, there was light somewhere deep inside. Then there were fires. The columns burned. At one time the whole thing just disappeared and there was nothing to hold, but I kept holding it to my heart. Every now and then the scene would return to the way it started. I kept holding it. I did it for hours. If I fell asleep for a few minutes, I started again as soon as I woke up from the pain.

Then I knew. Many times I wondered, and you saw it in the text: What does the pain want to teach me? I did not know. Was it that I had some unresolved programs in my subconscious, that I had to find and release? I found those and released them, and I still had the pain. No, it was not this. It was something simpler, but deeper. The pain came to teach me how to love more than I could love before. There are two aspects to this pain. One is that there is someone who suffers from it, and you can say also that there are specific places in the body that suffer from the pain. These are easy to love, unless you have a program that believes that you have to be punished and suffer for whatever reason. The other aspect of this pain is something nasty. There is something about it that is dark and angry. As if this thing has been neglected so much that it died to you. It would not speak to you, but just stay there and hurt all the time. It is like a very bad person in a group of normal people. Someone who will spoil everything and be so obnoxious that nobody will ever want to even touch him. This is the one I had to learn to love this night.

75. The cat’s pajamas

I got an opportunity to buy the whole Sedona Method, made of three courses, with many CD’s for a very low price. I can use the Pay Pal account to pay for the first installment of three, really very possible, installments. And it is very alluring. It is a chance to have the complete course at home cheaply. Then, all you have to do is work with the CD’s every day. Every day you listen to one of them and follow with your release. It is easy to do. You feel better every day. I am allured. More than that: I long for the feel of Lester Levenson, the founder of this method. I saw him in my dream with uncanny clarity and felt so much love I have never felt before. I’d love to be with his teaching.

I think I’ll be able to release everything that still stays with me, then I’ll be free of it, money will come, success will come, everything that is good and wonderful will come.

Something stops me from going ahead and buying the program. I have in front of me the drawing I made yesterday.

Misleading beauty

Misleading beauty

It is a beautiful drawing for me. I decide to go-in-with-words. The beauty in this case seems to be misleading suddenly. With words I find attachment and obsession.

The writing tells me I am in front of a happy stream, going through colorful landscape and reminds me I am on fire with my pain. The stream is right there. It is easy to follow, but all I can think of is escaping to something soft. But that soft thing is actually a wall, a hard to climb wall. What a waste of energy, the words say. This is unexpected.

I decide to go on and do another drawing, to continue the process. I ask Int (that’s my name for intuition): What? What should I learn or do?

I do the drawing.

Crying out

Crying out

The new going-in-with-words tells me that I am putting a lot of energy in the unreal, that will leave me in the pool of earthly love, from which I’ll cry out to the sky, to find the land of creation.

I do another one. What? What do you want to tell me? What should I know?

Inside there is a stream

Inside there is a stream

The going-in-with-words say:

Inside of all this craving and speeding and pursuing there is a steady, peaceful stream, inside of which you feel loved. This is the real. Stay with this, where you feel loved and loving. It is impossible to know where it is going. With the other things the destination is known.

This can be your clue to what is real and what is not. If you know where it’s going, it is not real. This stream does not tell you where it is going, but living in it is meaningful now, all the time, for eternity.

I know at this point that it does not make sense to do another drawing now. The next one would be an empty page, or something that is impossible to draw. I came again to a good state through this technique. This technique is the cat’s pajamas. I know that the Sedona Method is a fantastic method. It has helped many, many people to reach peace and stability. I love it. But I love my method more. Not because it is mine, but because of this:

If you want to develop, with any method, you have to do it every day. You really have to do it all the time. I learned the release technique (Which is also the Lester Levenson method, taught by Larry Crane who is another student of his) and practiced it for three years. I went to retreats several times a year. I never felt at home with it. I like Hale’s approach, The Sedona Method, more, but I know that even with his way, doing it every day, doing it all the time, does not feel as right to me, as doing my own method. I already do my method every day. Some days I do it more intensively and some days less. But I don’t think there was even one day in which I did not do it, for the last two years or more. Before the last two years, I have been doing it all my adult life, mostly with less intensity and depth. Lately I see that it brings me to peace and happiness again and again, from any state. I do three or four drawings and I am there, with the wise view, speaking like a spiritual teacher. (This is a funny way to say that suddenly I know things I did not know before and I find the circumstances to give them to others.)

It is a scary thing for me to stick to my own method alone, to let go of other methods which are good. I know they are good. But this is what I am called to do. Thinking won’t help here. My heart tells me to go on with mine. And you can say it is not even mine. It is me. I just have to go on being me and evolving as me. And it is easy to see that there is no self in it. If anything, it goes independent of the self. It is a stream of becoming, and I do not even know where it is going. I only know that I feel right being in it. Or being it.

There is even a clear advantage to my method over the Sedona Method. When you release through drawing and going-in-with-words you come much closer to the richness of the feeling that you experience and as a result, the release is more complete. The release happens because of a full acceptance.

And there is a disadvantage. You need to have with you a pad and something to draw with at all times. When you go through life and suddenly something happens that requires some work of release, you have to have these with you. This is how I live. I always have a small drawing pad, something to draw with and something to write on. Nevertheless, there are times when you just can’t stop everything and do a drawing. In these times, you have to have some other method to work with and my preferred one is meditation, or going to a deeper state, because I do not like to use words if they are not art. Being aware immediately of anything that arises in me as I walk in the street, as I am in the middle of talking with another human being, as I am watching a movie or an art object, etc, is the key. If I am aware of everything that arises in me in the moment that it arises, and if I immediately give this energy space to live its life, if I allow myself to be able to feel and experience just every single thing that arises in me without trying to stop it and without wanting it to go away, then my life becomes a constant releasing, without the release technique.

The problem with this is that just releasing everything that arises from within is not enough, because there are so many things to release. The things to release are many, because there are a few basic underlying structures of understanding that create a multitude of variations of themselves, using different issues. As long as these underlying structures are active, they will always create new derivatives. If you release an underlying structure of understanding, you actually release every single specific issue that resulted from that same structure.

Lester came up with the way to be effective by relating every emotion to one of the origins of all the emotions, like wanting to be loved, wanting to be safe and wanting to control. So when you catch an emotion moving in your being, the first thing that you do, is asking yourself: Is this wanting love, wanting control or wanting to be safe? And after you find the answer, you release the experience that you have in your body. In this way you end up dealing with the underlying structures, and your releasing becomes much more effective. This is very wise.

There is a solution for this aspect in my method too, and it is even more natural. The way we catch emotions in the artwork is that we see structures in the composition that don’t work. There are conflicted structures, non-supportive structure, separation structures, etc. These structures are the issues that we release. They may have specific features that belong to a derivative issue, but as we release that specific issue, we also release its structure, which has to do with its core shape. In this way we end up releasing core issues all the time. When you use this method for doing therapy, this is one of the features that makes the therapy go fast. Not only that specific issue is being lessened but many other aspects of life change at the same time.

Another thing to compare is the speed of doing the release and the ease. You can say that in the Sedona Method and in the Release Technique, releasing is as fast as asking a question and saying yes. This is no doubt fast and easy. In my method you need to make a drawing, you need to collect words and make a poem or a story and then you still need to decipher what was said. It is a lot more than just asking a question and saying yes. But because the release in my way is so detailed and thorough, it is more effective than with just asking and answering, and you need to do less number of repetitions, working on the same issues. This, in fact, was one of the main reasons for me to leave the Release Technique and start using my own work. I did not feel as much release in the Release Technique as I felt was happening through my method. There is another reason, as you will see soon.

So as I see it now, the bottom line is that everybody has to find what works best for him or her. My work is dedicated to those, for whom working with art is more appealing than working with asking and answering or any other method, and because of it these people will use it all the time with more ease.

I forgot one of the main reasons for me to use my method. It is the beauty. I was told in my meditation that it did not make any sense for me to do anything in this life, which is not the most beautiful that I can. I don’t want to do anything other than that.

And of course there are other methods. Many of the methods that are being used by many people, have come to us as established paths that have been used throughout history and have track records of success. The Sedona Method and the Release technique already have track records too. My approach is new. The only person who can testify about its power is I. The people who came to work with me and benefitted, can say some good things too, as you can find in the testimonial page of my website . I have many more testimonials that I have not put there yet.  I do not have an impressive line of supporters who will swear by this method, but I have a few. I only know that for me this is the best way to become free, and I still need to prove it even to myself. I am still in a kind of a shock, realizing that the method I have come up with, or was gifted with, is that good.

74. Part 3 Part 3 Part 3

Being who I am

Being who I am

I decide today to do a third part. I love doing it too much to stop now. I do not even have to have a subject or a direction. I do not need to deal with a specific issue. It is just the way I live, the way I communicate with my intuition or higher self, and it is what I love doing more than anything else. I am not going anywhere, and not aiming at any achievement. It is just the way I live.

I basically gave up on figuring out my life and place my trust in intuition. All my life I looked for some major thing to do, as the core of my doing in the world, that will be a project of deepening with no end. Something that will use all my gifts to the fullest and that will be a sharing at the same time. Something that I do because I love doing it more than anything else, and that I give openly, just as it is. This is being me for all. Or being in the state of receiving and giving constantly. Or, as I wrote somewhere before, being in the state of managing love and wisdom.

Of course I don’t know what will happen in part three and I do not promise anything, except for being who I am. Can anything be better than that?

73. The management of love and wisdom

This continues posting #72. It is 5 in the morning. I want to know how intuition sees my life now. I feel fear and awe at the same time, or so it seems. It is almost overwhelming. I feel I could use some help. I go to the watercolor box, to speak with intuition. What will intuition show me?

Here is the drawing:



I start writing what the different shapes say, in this order:

The brown

The dark blue

The light green

The light blue

The ochre

Then I look at the whole

Then words just continue to come

I’m strong

In spite of a cut

Between me and my root.

A part of me is lost,

Spilling out into the air

What was meant to be love

Is lost.

I am confused

I change directions

I start again close to the root

But I am disconnected as well

I almost fall

I am blind

This is the point right after closing the gate of receiving  the love-stream

Or deviating from its original direction.

I feel some new freshness

Some new growth

I know I had to begin at the root

And I try to go there.

Maybe I’ll start anew

From the beginning?

But the drive to go up is strong

Not as normal growth

But as what I see others do

What I am taught by teachers

What I feel as wanting.

I grow beautifully, even without food

And without a connection to the ground

I grow from air, like Spanish Moss

I still can grow

As long as I listen to who-I-am

This drawing is my lifeline.

And there is always a sense of lacking power

And I try always to go back

Maybe I’ll catch some earth and root

But I continue to grow

Airy, disappearing into light

Crying for lack of power

But tasting the eternal.

The whole picture: 

It is a cumbersome growth

But it is growth

I feel the love now

Both to the universe and myself

I see I am one

I know I need to be practical

And use all the power given to me.

Every point is the beginning

I can connect to my earth always:

It is intuition.

I can always invent as becoming and gifting

I can always open up the receiving doors

For others and the universe to love me through.

Any point is the good point,

The place I always wanted to be,

The beginning of all,

The origination

And the receiving and giving of all.

Calm down, Giora

Say thanks to the universe

Say yes to all that comes to you

And was waiting for you to receive.

Accept all this endless love.

Say, I’m sorry I did not open up to you

All these years.

Say: You are sweet.

Say: It is all deserved.

It is all the gift of being open to all directions.

Bask in the light.

It is all light.

And thoughts keep coming:

Awe is not fear

But it feels close to it

Just as excitement is not fear

But feels close to it.

It does not matter any more

What had happened

And how my thoughts became twisted.

What matters now is to follow

The law of receiving and expanding/extending,

Being an open miracle

Into which love comes

And from which love is given.

Love and wisdom

Express themselves in the unit of life

As the management

Of love and wisdom.

And if you look at this plant

Which shows history here,

Know that every point on it

Is where love and wisdom was given,

Love and wisdom was lived

And love and wisdom was given from.

All is love and wisdom

All the time.

Therefore in healing

The most important thing is to learn

To receive again,

To learn to taste love and wisdom

In our intuition,

To allow ourselves to be the creation process

Of who-we-are,

Whereby we gift

The universe, its people and all its living things.

And there is one more interesting thing about this drawing. Remember the second drawing of the first part of this blog? The name was: Not a good leg to stand on. This last drawing resembles that second drawing. We end here as we started long ago. All that we did, did not take us away from where we were. Only the point of view changed.

This feels like the end of part two. I’ll dedicate myself now to finish the book about the method and publish it. Maybe there will be part three of this blog and maybe not. I don’t know.

The book’s name will most probably be: Intuitive Flow in Art Therapy, and the sub-headline: The easiest and most beautiful way to heal and grow.

72. Never meditate after sex

My teacher said

My teacher said

My teacher of meditation told us to never meditate after sex. Wait for an hour at least or more, he said.

On the other hand when you start to understand what happens in meditation and see that while meditating, you release habits of thought that block you from seeing the truth and when you stop, the habits come back, you realize that the only way you are going to benefit, is by being in meditation all the time, no matter what you do, and of course, this includes sex. Also the essence of meditation, and the feature that makes it possible to benefit from it, is that meditation does not judge anything, but is open to experience everything. You learn to be in a state in which you can do this. Eventually it becomes the way you live always.

At first I took my teacher’s advice, but later I started thinking. Why does he say so?

Today I believe that his reason has to do more with culture than with the truth. In the culture of Chinese Buddhism, sex is considered to be an impediment to purity of purpose, when it comes to spirituality. It belongs to the passions of the body. It belongs to duality and attachment. If you are a householder and have a wife, you have to have sex and it is OK in these circumstances. But you hinder your development. It is good at some point, maybe when you are somewhat older, to stop having sex and devote yourself to spiritual practice. Then you will make use of all your energy for the purpose of evolving.

But this is just an opinion and it does not harmonize with many other things that Chinese Buddhist meditation promotes, like cleaning the house with awareness, cooking with awareness, meditating through everything that you do. All these things belong to duality and attachment. But sex is a stronger attachment, you may say, or the dedicated Buddhist meditator may say. It is true. We have been made this way. But every single appearance and thing in the universe is saturated with the same oneness. Every energy is so too. The energy and the activity of having sex are not different. And there are other paths to enlightenment that do not look down at both the body and sex.

By the way, even Chinese Buddhism acknowledges some householder-enlightened masters, like Vimalakirty, who had a wife and a daughter. A whole sutra is dedicated to him and he is very highly regarded in this tradition. But when it comes to practice, he is not the example to follow.

In Theta Healing there is the teaching about the fifth plane, where spiritual teachers reside. The residents of this plane are known to be opinionated. Being a teacher does not free you from having opinions. Of course it is very beneficial to study with a teacher, when you need one, but if you want only the truth, go directly to the endless. This is what they teach. When I learned a bit of Theta Healing and we, the students, were working on each other, just as my partner was trying to follow clues all the way to a core issue of mine, our teacher walked by and told her: In his case, his pain has to do with a fifth plane opinion.

This night, when my pain woke me up, it came to me to masturbate. I did, and stayed in meditation all trough it. When I came, I started to feel fear creeping in. It was a strange fear. It was mixed with something else that looked like awe. I decided to respect the fear or the mixture that it was and stay with it as a witness, meaning, continue to meditate. The feeling was very strong and after a while I felt I needed some help, so I got up and went to my table to do a drawing. I wanted to see what intuition would see and say. What it saw and said will come in the next posting.

I do keep your interest alive, don’t I?

And I do endlessly love my Chinese Buddhist teacher, the late Sheng-yen. If not for him, I would not be the way I am today. I am sure he sees me as a naughty student, who follows his heart, and therefore, even his naughtiness is lovely.

When I once told him what I did not accept about his teaching, he said that every teacher wants his students to be better than him. But I only want to be who I am, which for me means, to be in the state of becoming.

71. What is the meaning of the sounds?

The mouse in the wainscot

The mouse in the wainscot

In my forth year in America I illustrated a small children’s book. In it, a little girl could not fall asleep at night because she heard sounds. The sounds came from a little mouse who lived in the wainscot. The story did not tell why the little mouse made that noise. It just gave the different sounds that the little girl heard. Her father pointed them out to her. The story was very short and I saw that I had to stretch the story along enough pages to make a small book, so I invented a story to go along with the sounds. The mouse could not fall asleep just as the girl could not, because he did not have his toy mouse with him. He got out of his beautiful bed, went downstairs and found his toy mouse in a big couch in the living room. He picked his toy mouse up and ran back to his room, where he climbed into his bed, covered himself with three colorful blankets and fell asleep, hugging his little friend. The wallpaper above his head in the picture showed flowers floating in the air, like dreams. You won’t see them in the picture above, because this is the cover picture.

I loved the story and the illustrations happened so fluently and easily. It became the most beautiful children’s book I have ever made till then. I learned so much from the time I came to the US and I knew that a few years back I would not have been able to do such a wonderful work. I felt I was doing what I was meant to do.

I gave the book to the editor and he too liked the work very much. I came home. I thought: This is the most beautiful thing I have ever made. I’ll probably never be able to do such a beautiful work again. And if this is so, I don’t want to live any more. I really felt so.

About a week later my brother came to visit and saw a dark spot under my chin. He was married to a doctor at the time, so he became aware of medical conditions. It was quite a big spot, like a quarter. I had it for a while. It itched sometimes and I scratched it sometimes. But because it was under a beard, I never gave it too much thought. My brother suggested I went to see a dermatologist. The dermatologist said it was melanoma. A week before, I thought I wanted to die, and here was the way in which I was going to die.

I didn’t. I had another book to do and after that many more came. But I learned that this happens sometimes to creative people. After an intense creative project, when it has ended successfully and in a very fulfilling way, there may come a depression. Suddenly the reason to live is gone. Now I know that this can happen only because we do not know that we are limitless.

I think this happened to me again after I finished the first part of the blog.

Actually it happened more times, as I see suddenly.

One of the other times was when I had an exhibition in Germany of abstract drawings and words. I felt I was showing something that was valuable to the viewers, giving them something from what I had experienced in my years of meditation. It was too one of the best things I did in my life. I felt that this was exactly what I had to do with my life at the time. When I came back to the US after two months of being away, I found that I lost all my illustration clients. A steady spot that I used to do regularly for the Wall Street Journal and was the basis of my income was given to someone else. Everything was different.

Now that I look at it, I realize that every time that this happened, it was the beginning of something better. When I came back from the operation for the melanoma, I saw that the only thing that interested me was to study with a Zen master. I found my teacher and studied with him for twelve years. This has changed my mind about everything.

When I came back from the exhibition in Germany and found that I lost my livelihood, it took some time, but in the end I went to study art therapy. Out of this came the method of intuitive flow.

So crisis seems to be good for me. I am sure it is good for you too. And I think that the faster I find my next step and the faster I get to doing it, the shorter the crisis will be. So now, when I have this terrible pain, and I have very few clients and very little money, do you know what I feel? I feel excitement.

70. Charles Ives plays and sings

Charles Ives plays his piano and sings

Charles Ives plays his piano and sings

I am listening to Charles Ives playing his piano, singing and shouting sometimes with unstoppable joy. I find him so sensitive and rich in his music. I find him playful as a child. Sometimes he is a naughty child, breaking all the rules of music in his time. But he does it because his heart tells him to, and because of this, his “naughtiness” only makes him more loveable.

And suddenly I am back in the issue of heart-wave. It is just a name for a program of learning to meditate with an emphasis on the energy of the heart. The heart does  not think incessantly. It knows, so it does not need to think in order to do. It is the inner guidance to happiness and freedom. If we just tune in to it, we will be lead.

And I think about what Joshua Bloom had taught me about expanding my aura to fill the room and then more, saying that this is a healing state. When you are in this state you do not think. And I think about Quantum Healing, taught by Frank Kinslow. In his method you learn to discover the quiet mind, the happy mind, the heart-mind actually, where words do not rule, but knowing and an eternal love to all. All comes to the same thing. The Buddhist meditation that I learned and practiced, also leads to the same thing. It is a method to drop the mind of thinking and when you do this, your heart-mind manifests. Following intuition, in my way, is following your heart-mind too. All that I teach and all that I do, comes and goes to the same thing. Listen to your heart all the time, in whatever way you find natural to you, and you will be lead to happiness and love.

The arts have a good gate for truth to come through, and Charles Ives opened his gate very wide. Whatever came through that gate, even if it broke all the rules, is made of pure love and therefore it is the best gift that anybody can give. And this is why I cry as I listen to him shouting like a mad man and playing all the “Wrong” notes. Because I feel his love and I feel my love.

In this way, listening to Ives, my heart tells me that I got stuck and that it is time to move.

69. Water is my soul

The tree of light inside the pain

The tree of light inside the pain

The yellow matures inside of pain

It grows like a tree

Made of all the personalities that I gathered

But losing them all in the light

My background is pain and freedom mixed together

Green is my mother

Pain is my father

And water is my soul.

I thought I was alone

But there is the view of a higher self

Mentors and spirit guides

And all the multitudes in the spirit worlds

And the multitudes in flesh

The eternal, unmoved, but supporting unification


In every moment and experience that I have I hear his voice saying

Come to me

Be me

Be All

And see, there is uniqueness in being all I am

There is being as a process

Tuning in to it and allowing

Then I become.

This is who I am: Becoming.

68. There is no escape.

It is not it. It is what experiences it.

The pain continues to kill me.

I do not understand why. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.

I did everything I had to do.

I develop more and more depth in the meditation. Somehow I know that the clue is in that, in the ability to go deeper. I mean deeper than I had gone.

I know these states. I had been in them many times. It is time to do it again. I know that everything depends on this.

One morning I draw the struggle. There is the one who struggles and there are the things that stand in its way.

There is nothing wrong in this. It is only that I have been there so many times.

I do it again anyway. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.

I buy a new meditation aid. It is called Heart Wave. It was created by Paul Bauer. You can find him on the web. I listen to two of his and Susan, his partner’s talks. One thing sticks with me. The heart wave is what I call intuition. It means coming from the heart to everything that you do. Not doing from the thinking mind or the subconscious mind, but from the heart, meaning love. This is exactly what I do when I draw, based on the sense of beauty, kick-starting the flow of intuition. The flow of intuition is the heart wave. But one thing sticks out for me and it is what he calls the full spectrum of the heart-wave, which means the full spectrum of the emotions. When we allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come to us to the fullest degree, this is the full heart-wave, Paul says. And suddenly I have a fresh angle on what I already know. He talks about us limiting our heart-wave. Because of our traumas, big and small, we limit what we allow ourselves to feel. We do not want to be traumatized again. It is not new to me. I know that, but something in the different perspective, in seeing just feeling as the heart-wave and allowing it to be full, something in this is helpful to me. So we limit the heart-wave and hold fear, as the gate. And when we do that we bring about the experience of fear again to us. There is no escape from this.

I make sure I experience the full spectrum of my emotions in meditation, after this. Whatever comes or arises in me, I allow it to flourish to its full force. And suddenly I feel free for a short time. And when I get up from this meditation, the pain is gone for an hour.

I realize that when people draw intuitively and especially when we add to the drawing the going-in-with-words, this is one of the aspects of it: They come to experience the full spectrum of their feelings. There is no escape from this too. It simply happens through this work. Again I see the connection between my work and the work of the heart-wave. I feel very good.

Then suddenly my life partner wakes up in the morning with a huge upset, and when she pours her heart about it to me I am suddenly traumatized. I feel how a stone is created in my chest. For two days I have this stone in me. I can’t speak and I do not know what I want. But I am experienced and know what I have to do. I like the way Dain Heer (find him on the web) describes it in a video. There is that big thing in me suddenly, standing there in my chest and saying: I am not moving from here any more. Try to move me. And I say: Hi. I am here. It says: Don’t play these games with me. I am not moving. Forget about it. And I say: Hi, I am here.

This is all I have to do. In due time this thing melts. But it comes back. Do you know when it comes? When the pain attacks. So here I suddenly see the pattern of the staying power of the pain. It comes to me to provoke this feeling of being traumatized, because I have this feeling in me. If I have it, the universe gives it to me more. I call it the universe but it is not that. It is that vast emptiness from which every experience comes and into which it eventually goes. What we call awareness is experiencing from that perspective, experiencing very fully, but not being moved at all, accepting fully, and through this, allowing everything to change.

It is a strange thing indeed, if you think about it logically. It would seem that accepting, when looked at logically, perpetuates the phenomena that is being accepted. But in reality it does not work that way. If we accept an inner experience, it moves out of our system. This means that we become less burdened and more clear. 

Now when I relate this to me I see that this feeling of being traumatized is my core issue. I had it in me in childhood already, even before everything had happened. When these traumas happened in childhood, they came to my experience as a result of me having had the feeling of being traumatized.

Is this feeling of being traumatized mine?

I have seen through this work of drawing and writing that I had some traumas in my previous lives indeed. But then, these traumas from the past had also come to my experience because I had the feeling of being traumatized in me already. And thinking about how did it all start, there is no escape again from realizing that at some point I got the feeling of being traumatized from someone else, just by experiencing what the other one felt and believing it was mine. This is an idea I have learned from Dain Heer and find it to be true. The feeling of being traumatized or the expectation of having trauma had become exacerbated along my history. In this life it was so strong that something dramatic had to happen to me, to match this strength of inner experience.

So now it has become clear. This strong habitual feeling of being traumatized is what brings me experiences of being traumatized. The pain is one of them. It stays because this feeling calls for some trauma. All those stories of past lives with all that had happened in them only show the fantastic ways in which this endless emptiness creates realities for me, based on a vibration that I keep.

This is how endlessness teaches us. It does not say that this is a right thing to do and that is a wrong thing to do. It says that when we do something we create a feeling in us, and that feeling will be responded to by the endless, by giving us more of the same thing. This is what the endless teaches. And through this teaching, again, we do not learn what is right and what is wrong. We learn that what happens to us comes from us and we have the power to change the inner feeling and the outer result. When we discover this we become free. This is what is helpful in learning to manifest, as people call it.

So this part of the blog veers now into the realm of manifesting, since there is no escape from this too. Having control of what we create as experiences for ourselves is part of our growth and development.

I welcome you to this adventure too.

To end, I’ll add a series of five drawings. I drew the stone in my chest as I felt it when it was not so strong any more, but still there, and then did it again and again, until there started to be a feeling of release, of a free flow and of joy. This is the best way I know to really look closely at any mind monster, while coming from love. And the monster does go. I stopped the process of drawing when I knew that the next one was going to be an empty page.

There is a stone in my chest

There is a stone in my chest

It is hard to move with this inside of me.

It is hard to move with this inside of me.

It hurts but there is a feeling that something is falling apart.

It hurts but there is a feeling that something begins to fall apart.

In spite of some remaining pressure, the energy starts to flow through.

In spite of some remaining pressure, the energy starts to flow through.

Now the dance begins

Now the dance begins.


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My Pages

The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.