76. Loving the obnoxious

Old as time

Old as time

I am shaking and am twisted from the pain (says the red)

I am so strong and overwhelming that I need to say the same thing several times. (says the red)

I include contrasting colors to show that there are many aspects of me. (Says the whole picture)

There is even a light aspect of me.

There is death aspect of me and eternity.

There is beauty aspect of me.

It feels I am as old as time itself.

Thinking about it: Since there is no time there must be no pain.

If I go to the state in which I experience no time, there will be no pain in it.

Pain is like a comet moving in space. It is like the beginning of life, when gases and dust traveled through space

and collided with other bodies of gas and dust to create a planet

with heat inside, water on the surface,

and don’t forget the air

and the sun.

This was done at 4:30 in the morning. Later this night I understood what it means to love what is hard to love. As I was lying in bed, expecting the pain to subside enough so that I could fall asleep, the pain did not subside. I imagined myself going into the body and looking at the place where the pain is. I saw that place like an underground dark river, where buildings stood on stilts in the river. But the stilts were broken and their bottom parts were missing. so nothing held the buildings from the bottom side, but the buildings were connected to the top  of the cave and to the walls, so they did not fall. The columns were black, as if they were burned, and everything was dead. This is what I saw as the place where the pain was. How can you love a place like this? I brought my hands to that inner scene and took the whole thing in my arms, then brought it to my heart and hugged it. It was dead.

I knew that if I hold it like this long enough something in it will start coming back to life. I saw many faces, some frightening, I saw people jumping from a burning building, I saw many other sights as I was holding that thing to my heart. And then it started to change into trees, the water became pleasant, there was light somewhere deep inside. Then there were fires. The columns burned. At one time the whole thing just disappeared and there was nothing to hold, but I kept holding it to my heart. Every now and then the scene would return to the way it started. I kept holding it. I did it for hours. If I fell asleep for a few minutes, I started again as soon as I woke up from the pain.

Then I knew. Many times I wondered, and you saw it in the text: What does the pain want to teach me? I did not know. Was it that I had some unresolved programs in my subconscious, that I had to find and release? I found those and released them, and I still had the pain. No, it was not this. It was something simpler, but deeper. The pain came to teach me how to love more than I could love before. There are two aspects to this pain. One is that there is someone who suffers from it, and you can say also that there are specific places in the body that suffer from the pain. These are easy to love, unless you have a program that believes that you have to be punished and suffer for whatever reason. The other aspect of this pain is something nasty. There is something about it that is dark and angry. As if this thing has been neglected so much that it died to you. It would not speak to you, but just stay there and hurt all the time. It is like a very bad person in a group of normal people. Someone who will spoil everything and be so obnoxious that nobody will ever want to even touch him. This is the one I had to learn to love this night.

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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