I feel as if there is a cloud in my head. I don’t feel like doing anything. I am not pulled by anything. I feel tired. My eyes almost close. What to do? I can sleep. But I choose to make a drawing.
A cloud of resistance
There are five systems in the drawing: the brown, the ochre, the pink, the red in the sky that cannot really be called a system, and the pencil lines.
The pink has the association of body and touching. These are the associations that I have.
The ochre has the association of sand of the deserts around Israel of my youth. Very small particles of this sand used to fly in the air with hot winds, coming from the east. We called these winds Hamsin. It is an Arabic word. I don’t know what it means (something about heat I’m sure) but this was the name that was given to these hot winds from the deserts that brought the sand particles. They flew in the air and would get through any crack and fill the homes with dust.
The dark brown reminds me of mud, of wet earth, and brings associations of the holocaust and wet earth after heavy rains, earth that sticks to your shoes and is hard to get rid of. It slows you down and makes you heavy and wet, from the rain that continues to fall on you.
The red is wounding and maybe death. I think of the death of my father in the war.
The pencil lines are nerves and irritation.
As I write about the associations, my mind opens more and I start to notice the way all the lines entangle themselves with each other to create some kind of a net, a disorganized net. And what connects all the parts? Associations. One thing reminds of another and so on. These are what create this cloud that floats low above the ground and blocks the view.
Then I notice that the blockage is not leak proof. There are little holes and you may be able to look trough them. Sometimes, with clients I invite them to look through similar holes in their blockages and we see what is being kept away. But it is the blockage, the stuff that makes the blockage, which wants to be listened to now.
Suddenly, from all this observing, from becoming more open, I get the big picture. This is a result of having done this many times before, and having seen beyond the blockages many times too. There is infinite freedom beyond this point. All of these parts and associations are the way fear tries to prevent me from letting go of my past and all the ideas that block happiness.
What came to me is to blow it away. I do and in my mind it goes away quite easily. After having seen it so many times, it does not matter what was the content of all these ideas that intertwined with each other. I know there is no reality to them now, so why would I bother. Well, maybe I enjoy finding what they came from, each and every one of them?
I think I do.
But it does not compare to freedom, does it?