Archive for March, 2012

101. As a child in wonder

As a child in wonder

As a child in wonder

With a strong trunk

Connected to the ground

It makes a circle

And grows in all directions

It is full of life

Creating quite a stir

Even places that were broken

Grow

It looks at the world

As a child

In wonder

It takes its space

With grace

It dances smoothly

Through it all.

 

Is it about me, following life as it lives itself through pain and nerve growth, becoming curious about itself?

Is it about the pain, going along with the growing nerves, being curious about what will happen next?

Is it about both of us?

After all, Who is cerating the pain?

When the nerves grow they hurt. So I heard. So I seem to experience. If I walk too much when they feel better, they feel worse afterward.

But does it really have to be that way?

Can I change this?

In that case, Just drawing it with intuitive flow and writing in the same way, coming to know the thinking and imagining part of it a bit closer, releases this thinking  from its hold on my idea of me and the world and the ways that they behave.

It is hard to define the “me” here. I suspect it is made of such ideas as above, collected throughout life, associated with one another and stay as a strange collection that keeps pushing us to live inauthentic lives, and so is the world.

100. In his face

The wind blows in his face

The wind blows in his face

The goat stood on two legs

And the rider is falling

The grass shows

That the wind is blowing

In his face.

99.The awakening of curiosity

Twice this night I came to this table, made drawings and went in with words. The nerves are now closer to the surface and burn all the time. Sometimes I can take it and sometimes I can’t. But even when I can’t, I take, because there is nothing that can be done. The salves that I have and used to help a little don’t affect the pain more than in an insignificant way. So I almost fall asleep, because I am so tired after many nights like this, and wake up with a peak of pain that I cannot take.

In most cases I find something that I can do in a meditative way, to calm the body down at least. Then I fall asleep. But this night it was hard, as it has been for a few weeks now. Maybe it is the tiredness that makes it hard. I try to think a thought that will make me feel better and imagine something that makes me feel good, but I am very tired and start to be upset. What is going on, I want to know? So many times I thought that the end has come already, and yet the pain just increases. When will it end?

Yesterday I had a hint that I have to be patient. We have a pot with daffodils that we got as a present in Christmas. Until yesterday there was no sign of growth. There are five of them in the pot and all had a short, one inch, thick, green shoot coming out of the bulb. This did not change for almost three months. Every morning I gave them a little bit of water. Yesterday morning I watered them again. They still looked the same. I gave up on them. I saw other daffodils growing already in other places. In the afternoon I saw them again and one of them had grown that green shoot by two inches between morning and afternoon. And I thought: I can take this as a hint that I have to be patient. It seems that the breakthrough has not happened for me yet, but it will, when something will be right, as it was for that daffodil.

In both drawings, when I went in with words, the text just came as it is, without any scrambling or manipulation. I added a couple of connecting words to the first text and erased two words in the second.

The hot wind blew

The hot wind blew

Nothing.

The hot wind blew everything away

All became dust

In the air

Yes, there was an emotion there

That the wind blew

With pieces of the green of the earth

A few specks of soil

The oceans

And the melancholy moans.

 I officially declare and acknowledge

That this is what

Transpired.

Something happens in the sky

Something happens in the sky

Something beautiful

And terrible

Happens in the sky

All the words that I have

Will do nothing with this

I have no words

I am wounded

I am denied normal life

And understanding

It is beyond me

Do things fall apart

Or come together?

I do not know.

I still don’t know what is going on, but something does happen and I feel a little better after doing the process, maybe because my curiosity has been triggered.

And here, in these last words hides one of the secrets of healing. We think that in order for a healing to be, the pain or any other manifestation has to change. But the real healing is never in that change. Rather, the change is a result of the awakening of the true self. The awakening of curiosity is the healing here.

98. When the head finally falls

I am going through a strange time.

On one hand the ability to feel in my feet grows more and more every day. I start having longer periods without pain. It is going to happen. I have brought my psyche to a state that allows my body to heal from Neuropathy and neuropathic pain. I allowed intuition to show me what was blocking my healing ability and it took me to places I would not have been able to go to without the art process and its reading. I accepted the strangest ideas that showed up and allowed them to become loose and leave me, opening the space for better inner experiences.

On the other hand I am going through a seesaw of good mood and sad mood, up and down. And the events in my life go along with these moods.

One day I have a new client calling. The next day they cancel. One week I have more income than I had in a long time. In the next week two or three clients cannot come for one reason or another. I am still in some kind of a struggle, even though I see the futility of it. I know there is no need for struggle. It is my habitual patterned subconscious mind, with the game that I came here to earth to play, not wanting to let go of its mission.

There are two ways to come out of it. The first is to imagine living in better states and be so convincing to the subconscious that it takes on new thoughts and beliefs, instead of the old ones, which have created my life now. This can happen, and happens in the best way for me through the drawing process. It happens so well because I allow my intuition to guide me to what I want to live, instead of what I have lived. My intuition shows me what is best for me. And I love to be in touch with it.

The other way is to peel off the mask from what we call reality, to see that it is not real, that it is being created by yours truly all the time as some kind of a crazy game, in which I, the endless I, enjoy all the emotional calamities, as if they were the best delicacies in the world. This too happens in the best way for me through the drawing process, through which I let go of more and more mind-stones, and clear the way, quite easily, for intuition to stream lovingly through. This is the tearing down of the mask from the face of reality.

So the same process does these two things.

I have written about this before, and have gone through this process successfully many times, and I still have to do it.

Here is today’s craziness report.

Image

The body is like a mountain

In the early morning

When it is cold

The head is like a heavy rock

That can fall

Any minute

The palm trees are like thorns

In the end of summer

Dry and stiff

There will be a lot of noise

When the head

Finally falls.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.