Posts Tagged 'melancholy'

99.The awakening of curiosity

Twice this night I came to this table, made drawings and went in with words. The nerves are now closer to the surface and burn all the time. Sometimes I can take it and sometimes I can’t. But even when I can’t, I take, because there is nothing that can be done. The salves that I have and used to help a little don’t affect the pain more than in an insignificant way. So I almost fall asleep, because I am so tired after many nights like this, and wake up with a peak of pain that I cannot take.

In most cases I find something that I can do in a meditative way, to calm the body down at least. Then I fall asleep. But this night it was hard, as it has been for a few weeks now. Maybe it is the tiredness that makes it hard. I try to think a thought that will make me feel better and imagine something that makes me feel good, but I am very tired and start to be upset. What is going on, I want to know? So many times I thought that the end has come already, and yet the pain just increases. When will it end?

Yesterday I had a hint that I have to be patient. We have a pot with daffodils that we got as a present in Christmas. Until yesterday there was no sign of growth. There are five of them in the pot and all had a short, one inch, thick, green shoot coming out of the bulb. This did not change for almost three months. Every morning I gave them a little bit of water. Yesterday morning I watered them again. They still looked the same. I gave up on them. I saw other daffodils growing already in other places. In the afternoon I saw them again and one of them had grown that green shoot by two inches between morning and afternoon. And I thought: I can take this as a hint that I have to be patient. It seems that the breakthrough has not happened for me yet, but it will, when something will be right, as it was for that daffodil.

In both drawings, when I went in with words, the text just came as it is, without any scrambling or manipulation. I added a couple of connecting words to the first text and erased two words in the second.

The hot wind blew

The hot wind blew

Nothing.

The hot wind blew everything away

All became dust

In the air

Yes, there was an emotion there

That the wind blew

With pieces of the green of the earth

A few specks of soil

The oceans

And the melancholy moans.

 I officially declare and acknowledge

That this is what

Transpired.

Something happens in the sky

Something happens in the sky

Something beautiful

And terrible

Happens in the sky

All the words that I have

Will do nothing with this

I have no words

I am wounded

I am denied normal life

And understanding

It is beyond me

Do things fall apart

Or come together?

I do not know.

I still don’t know what is going on, but something does happen and I feel a little better after doing the process, maybe because my curiosity has been triggered.

And here, in these last words hides one of the secrets of healing. We think that in order for a healing to be, the pain or any other manifestation has to change. But the real healing is never in that change. Rather, the change is a result of the awakening of the true self. The awakening of curiosity is the healing here.

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93. A stream in formlessness

Still waking up at night. At 2:30 AM I go to my studio. It still bothers me that I have pain, though it bothers much less than it did before. I know my question to Int.: What do I need to know?

Here is the drawing.

A strem in formlessness

A stream in formlessness

 And the text:

My pain is what remains after the suffering.

Melancholy stories emanated from each other

As I walked along all those routs

How dramatic

What beauty and sadness

I saw

All of it happened on our green land

To which we were connected

Seamlessly

How beautiful it was

To be seeking the light inside of the sad

The water puddles that you see

Are remnants of the floods

Which were lives I lived

As a stream in formlessness.

A few thoughts:

Pain is what remains AFTER the suffering: Maybe I have cleared enough of the suffering for healing to happen, but the cells of the area have become habituated to behave in a certain way or react to signals in the way that they developed when the damage occurred. It may also be that the memory which keeps the pain has to do with nerve cells and even cells in the brain, that became habituated to react in this way when getting certain thoughts or emotional signals. If this is the case I need to communicate directly with these cells and allow them to return to normal functioning. I know it may sound strange to some people, but I believe it is possible to communicate with cells and agree with them on a way to change. After all, they have intelligence.

The next seven lines talk about the choice to live on earth and to have dramas and beautiful experiences, all based on feeling limited and longing to be limitless.

Seeking the light inside of the sad is how we start our way out of this dream of limited life. Finding light inside of the sad is the only way to start and the only way to finish. The light is our intuition, our art, our inner honesty, all of them are appearances of the truth. And of course, becoming a witness to the truth is the greatest healing experience, because it clarifies to us that all that we have experienced in the lives that we lived was a choice that can be changed. This is what freedom means.

The last lines again speak of effects that were left behind issues that basically have left. They are habitual energy and maybe some fear of being without all that I have believed in for so long and all that I trusted and have strived to accomplish.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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