Archive for January, 2012

93. A stream in formlessness

Still waking up at night. At 2:30 AM I go to my studio. It still bothers me that I have pain, though it bothers much less than it did before. I know my question to Int.: What do I need to know?

Here is the drawing.

A strem in formlessness

A stream in formlessness

 And the text:

My pain is what remains after the suffering.

Melancholy stories emanated from each other

As I walked along all those routs

How dramatic

What beauty and sadness

I saw

All of it happened on our green land

To which we were connected

Seamlessly

How beautiful it was

To be seeking the light inside of the sad

The water puddles that you see

Are remnants of the floods

Which were lives I lived

As a stream in formlessness.

A few thoughts:

Pain is what remains AFTER the suffering: Maybe I have cleared enough of the suffering for healing to happen, but the cells of the area have become habituated to behave in a certain way or react to signals in the way that they developed when the damage occurred. It may also be that the memory which keeps the pain has to do with nerve cells and even cells in the brain, that became habituated to react in this way when getting certain thoughts or emotional signals. If this is the case I need to communicate directly with these cells and allow them to return to normal functioning. I know it may sound strange to some people, but I believe it is possible to communicate with cells and agree with them on a way to change. After all, they have intelligence.

The next seven lines talk about the choice to live on earth and to have dramas and beautiful experiences, all based on feeling limited and longing to be limitless.

Seeking the light inside of the sad is how we start our way out of this dream of limited life. Finding light inside of the sad is the only way to start and the only way to finish. The light is our intuition, our art, our inner honesty, all of them are appearances of the truth. And of course, becoming a witness to the truth is the greatest healing experience, because it clarifies to us that all that we have experienced in the lives that we lived was a choice that can be changed. This is what freedom means.

The last lines again speak of effects that were left behind issues that basically have left. They are habitual energy and maybe some fear of being without all that I have believed in for so long and all that I trusted and have strived to accomplish.

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92. Triple whammy

I learn from different people how to manifest.

In order to manifest what you choose to manifest you need to have a good feeling associated with what you want, and you have to believe that it will happen and expect it. And more: you need to clear your subconscious from all the ideas that oppose what you want to manifest. How do you do it?

I am determined to find the way to manifest through my method. It makes sense. If my method is good at clearing habitual mental patterns and allowing intuition come in, to be the creator of my life instead of these patterns, then it must be good at manifesting.

So these are my thoughts now.

Maybe it is best to start with a drawing.

I need to know where I am now, meaning what is the picture in my subconscious? What is going on there?

I draw. You know already that I do not know what I am drawing when I draw. I just become attuned to my sense of beauty. That’s it. There was a point in the process of making this drawing when I thought that it was finished. But I felt the impulse to add more things tugging at me and I agreed to go along. I am glad I did. Sometimes you like the way things are already and do not want to change them, but you have to listen to your int.

There is a cloud above us

There is a cloud above us

Now came collecting thoughts about what I saw in the drawing, mixing them and making this poem by adding some words here and there to make everything work with some logic. The initial collection of sentences placed them already in an order that made sense. But I challenged myself to mix the sentences and not leave them as they were. It was too simple, and I wanted to play and have something unexpected.

So here it is:

As we long to the light

And to the place

Where there is wonderful clear air

We emanate pain and sadness

We hide behind these

With tales of wars and heroes

There is a cloud above us

Everybody says

As if we do not know

Shivering as we are

And being only humans

That there is more.

What do you do with this?

Basically you don’t have to do anything. But haven’t I decided to manifest?

What happened? I looked at my subconscious and found longing, pain and sadness. I also found that there is some knowing that there is more than what we see. Seeing the sad scene may have tipped my mood to sadness, if it was just looking. But it was not. It was looking while using the sense of beauty. This made a big difference. The details of what is there, at this moment, in my subconscious mind did not change but the way I looked at them found beauty in this scene. Finding beauty, I disentangled myself from the drama of wanting to experience the light and emanating sadness and pain. I became uninvolved with that. I found beauty.

If I could make war with the sadness and win, then go and bask in the light that I longed to have, it would be one kind of good feeling, one that is made of comparisons. It comes from the belief that one condition is better than the other, and therefore, I should fight the bad and get the good. The joy of victory is relative and does not build a foundation for happiness, because when the conditions change and sadness comes again, I am back in the same fight. Doesn’t it feel like the life that we all know?

But experiencing beauty is different. The deep, rich, subtle satisfaction of experiencing it, even though it makes less noise than a victory, is much more powerful. It is the joy of being who-you-are, trusting who-you-are and inviting it to manifest into the world.

In victory there is no harmony, because the “enemy” is not really conquered. It is hiding and getting ready to appear again and haunt you. In finding beauty there is no victory but fulfillment that is unattached to circumstances. It is in fact a release of yourself from the tyranny of the circumstances.

So how does this belong to manifesting?

People want to manifest different things. But if the things that they manifest do not belong to their purpose or the special, unique talent that they came to the world with, they will not be happy really. It will be more like a victory. It is possible to be a victor and bring something that one wants into the world of reality. But to be happy is something else.

So if the only way to be happy is to be authentic, then how does one become authentic? By disentangling from circumstances. When you do that, your truth comes in and activates you in the way that fulfills.

Then, you experience the joy of being fulfilled and being involved in doing what is your special talent, and because you experience it you believe it and expect it to happen again. And this is exactly why it will happen again. And here is your manifesting. You manage to bring into your experience what you really love doing.

It may not be what others think is good, but it is your special way to be fulfilled, the only one that can bring you lasting happiness.

So here is what I have just realized. When people go through healing by using  intuitive flow and their sense of beauty, they heal, they evolve by becoming less limited by what were their limiting beliefs and they manifest what they truly want.

It is a triple whammy.

91. A cracked, unfinished line

The night before this one, when the pain came I released the fear, the tensions in the body, resulting from the pain and the expectations that it will come again, I released sadness and the madness that drives this pain, that something that motivates it to come. When I did all these, which took some time, the pain stopped and I fell asleep. This happened six or seven times during the night. Every time the pain woke me up I did not stay in a sleepy state, but woke myself up more, so I could do all these with fresh concentration. In all six or seven times it worked.

I was very tired all through the day after that night.

This night, when the pain increased I did it again, and this time, being so tired, it did not work. As I was releasing fear around midnight, the fear did not end. More of it came. I continued to release and more of it came. Several times during this process I felt the endless space in which everything happens, but the fear had more reserves and even more. After two hours the flow of fear felt as if it has gotten tired.

When I thought about all that came up in the last two days I thought that it felt like a trauma, with so many strong emotions mixed together and attached to each other in such a way that it makes it hard to simply release something and be in peace. You release one thing and the other is already there. You release that one and the former one comes back.

I got up from bed and went to draw. drawing always saves me from everything. I felt like a survivor of a natural disaster. My brush went to one of the dark blues and these shaken lines came onto the paper.

Shattered

Shattered

 I looked at different parts of the drawing and wrote the sentences that came to me. I scrambled them, added a few words and made small changes in other places. This is what was made:

I look at a broken fence

Among the torn trees

I pick up

A bent limb

And throw it at

A shattered rock

I turn around and leave the place

Walking on a shaken dirt road

Like a cracked, unfinished line

On a torn piece of a path.

It all felt horrible. But I was so moved by the surprising beauty that came up in this way that I felt satisfied and happy.

I still do.

90. Earthquake

It is around 4AM. The pain does not let me sleep. I am exhausted. My eyes itch. If I sit and meditate, my head falls and I fall asleep sitting, but I wake up because I am about to fall from bed. When I lie down the pain increases and I can’t sleep.

I come to the paper.

Speak now, I say to Int. (intuition).

Speak to me now. What do you have to say?

Mountains and rivers

Mountains and rivers

 As I am making the first line, everything slows down. Again, with a feeling of love, I follow every line slowly as it leads me. Again Int. gives me a water landscape with rocks in the water. It happened several times before. This time there are also hills, mountains and trees. I remember a vision that I have frequently, when I step into “What’s next” imagination. It is of a beautiful place in nature with a lot of trees, mountains and sunlight. I am in wonder there. I take it that Int. wants me to imagine this vision more.

I remember Dain Heer (of Access Consciousness) saying that if something that you experience does not feel as yours or someone else’s, it is of the earth. The intelligence of the earth wants me to do something for her.

I also remember Lester (Levenson), who in a very vivid dream, in which I felt more love than I had ever felt, told me to keep the word EARTH in my head all the time, and this would heal my foot.

I start to understand. This picture that I see in my own drawings, when I am driven to draw by the question: ”What is going on with the pain?” is what the earth wants me to imagine more and more. By imagining it, I’ll help bring this picture into reality.

As I am asking what to do, and expect it to have something to do with my gifts, the healing ability, the art and all that comes with it, and the love that I feel, I am getting an answer but it is an answer that I did not expect.

In the next drawing

The bright side of chaos

The bright side of chaos

I simply listen to what different parts in the drawing do, I write them down, I scramble the lines, I fix them a little, and this is what comes.

I am gracefully supporting you

We are together

This is where we are going now

I am shining

We sweetly go to the horizon

We are playing and daring

We are all connected with trust and friendliness

We are light

I am who I am

I know exactly how to create balance

I grow

A line.

The next drawing is an answer to the question: What is in it (the pain) for me that I am not getting?

Earthquake

Earthquake

I just wrote what I saw.

I see fields

But there is an earthquake going on

And the earth shakes

I see a hill and I am standing on it

The earth sends a folding path up into the sky

It is possible to walk on it

To go above the mountains

To see the landscape underneath

And the strange light

Coming from the sea

And arching above the mountains.

I started this drawing with a raging pain. Doing this process I became a witness, instead of being involved. And I see: This is what is happening. Obviously it is a big upheaval. Everything will be different afterward.

89. Stand-up tragedy

As you know, I draw without knowing what I do. I just listen to impulses and hints. I see a color in my imagination; I take it. I look at the watercolor box and my eyes fall on blue; I start with blue. The lines decide where they want to go. And sometimes when I look at what came out I see figures and a whole story. This was the case this time. When I write about what I see, I allow the story to be created in the same way that the drawing was. Whatever suggests itself to me in my mind, I write.

The knight with the meaningless fight

The knight with the meaningless fight

It looks like a knight (in red) on his horse (in dark, dirty blue), going to fight the meaningless fight.

He is being sent to war by a big, burning, blooming woman (on the left), who hands him the green javelin. He will have to throw it into his enemy’s heart.

He rides a dark horse who is strong but maybe blind.

The knight sends forward a part of himself that can be a leg or a penis.

Whatever this is, it flowers too, becomes a landscape or a plant, or maybe even something with human consciousness. This enables it to look back at the knight, as if asking: What the hell are you doing?

It ridicules him.

The knight does not really want to go. You can tell by where he is in the picture: A little bit back from center, considering the direction of the movement. It is a place, compositionally, from which it is hard to move. You can also see that the horse goes faster than the knight

There are two short lines, yellow and blue, coming into the scene from the right, with curiosity, like children, as if asking: What is going on here?

This asking is the most powerful part of the drawing, or the event that the drawing describes. Every other part is involved in doing. But these two are just wondering. Their power comes from not being a part of the story.

Obviously they are not aware of any danger.

Just this curiosity is the power that will turn the complete event into a mirage, a wonderful show with emotions and all. A story.

Details:

Who holds the ground for the knight to travel on toward his enemy? The woman/flower/fire.

Why is the horse lifeless, in spite of his movement and strength? Because it is not real and it never changes. It is a transparent dream creature, representing fear and wars.

 Is there anything real in all of that? It is a story that was inside of me even before it came out into computer-land.

 Can I choose to think that all of it has never happened? I can, but I have to release the emotional energy from it first, which I do by playing this game with the picture and the story. By listening to the picture and the story in a rich way, as I do here, the emotional energy leaves it, and some flexibility and love come in instead.

You may wonder if this has anything to do with my life, with my healing process, with my becoming freer and freer. It has. There was still in me some belief (maybe this is why I like stories about knights), that my actions in life are determined by the women with whom I live. They send me to war and hold the rules of the game. I am reluctant to go but the horse under me, the power of society and hidden beliefs, drags me on in spite of me. And what about the leg or the penis? That’s what the war is about.

88. Winds

It started with this drawing on the 4th of January.

You never die

It gives a sense of earth on the lower left, a plant pot standing in the middle. Up to here it all looks normal, except for some dark rot in the earth. But then a few horizontal views of fields grow in lines from the right side of the pot. A plant grows in the pot. The right side reaches to the right, but avoids touching it. There are a few branches coming in from there that do not look inviting. Some spots of blue fly in the air to represent some activity in the space. There is excitement there for sure.

The right side of the planted plant is brown and feels lifeless almost. Its right side edges are darkened, as if from the influence of the dark intruding branches, coming from the right side.

The left seems to grow more energetically, but in several directions, as if being confused about which direction to go.

The whole picture gives a feeling of the struggle between death and rot and life, maybe different directions of life with different emotional attachments.

This is a picture that has a dualistic view of good and bad, or at least of a choice to be made.

This is the first drawing in this series, and already here you can feel the existence of some wind.

 Here is the second drawing (from January 4th). 

Like swimming in plankton

Like swimming in plankton

It gives a feeling of a very excited rush. Everything is being swept away and upwards. Nothing resists any more, except for, maybe the friction with the air. It reminds me of swimming at night in the Red Sea in the hot summer, when every movement in the water leaves behind a wonderful, shimmering tails of light, created by the plankton in the water. So everything moves as in a sweeping dance, and leaves tails in the air. It feels to me as if something magical is happening.

Then comes this January 5th drawing. 

The resisting earth

The resisting earth

All the parts of the drawing seem to rush to the right, push each other and move together. Only one area, the brown and yellow, which looks like earth, is somewhat denser and has harder time moving. It looks as if this area of the earth wants to prevent the flow and the rush to the right side. It manages to push up a flower that penetrates the red and even blooms above ground, ignoring all the movement. Obviously there is a part in this drawing that does not agree with this rush and has its own agenda.

But if you look at the drawing like a strategist it will be easy to see that this earth piece with its stubborn individualistic agenda, whether it is good or bad, will not win. It already feels like running with everything else. It is just not ready yet to give up its old habits of thought, including the old ways of considering growth.

And the last one is this series is from January 6th

A person in a strong wind

A person in a strong wind

For this one I collected sentences and made a poem, after scrambling the lines.

It was 4:30 in the morning. I was awake for some time and felt there was something I needed to know. I needed to get in touch with intuition. I always get a reply. Here it is:

A person tries to hold on to himself

It is all done in peace

Body parts still want to catch something

But they are flying in the air

It is all quiet

It is all up to saying yes

His body breaks to pieces

That depart in the wind

The wind takes them

Like broken limbs of a tree

Being true in the storm means

That the words that were the glue

Dissolve

Into the sweetness of the green.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.