As you know, I draw without knowing what I do. I just listen to impulses and hints. I see a color in my imagination; I take it. I look at the watercolor box and my eyes fall on blue; I start with blue. The lines decide where they want to go. And sometimes when I look at what came out I see figures and a whole story. This was the case this time. When I write about what I see, I allow the story to be created in the same way that the drawing was. Whatever suggests itself to me in my mind, I write.
It looks like a knight (in red) on his horse (in dark, dirty blue), going to fight the meaningless fight.
He is being sent to war by a big, burning, blooming woman (on the left), who hands him the green javelin. He will have to throw it into his enemy’s heart.
He rides a dark horse who is strong but maybe blind.
The knight sends forward a part of himself that can be a leg or a penis.
Whatever this is, it flowers too, becomes a landscape or a plant, or maybe even something with human consciousness. This enables it to look back at the knight, as if asking: What the hell are you doing?
It ridicules him.
The knight does not really want to go. You can tell by where he is in the picture: A little bit back from center, considering the direction of the movement. It is a place, compositionally, from which it is hard to move. You can also see that the horse goes faster than the knight
There are two short lines, yellow and blue, coming into the scene from the right, with curiosity, like children, as if asking: What is going on here?
This asking is the most powerful part of the drawing, or the event that the drawing describes. Every other part is involved in doing. But these two are just wondering. Their power comes from not being a part of the story.
Obviously they are not aware of any danger.
Just this curiosity is the power that will turn the complete event into a mirage, a wonderful show with emotions and all. A story.
Who holds the ground for the knight to travel on toward his enemy? The woman/flower/fire.
Why is the horse lifeless, in spite of his movement and strength? Because it is not real and it never changes. It is a transparent dream creature, representing fear and wars.
Is there anything real in all of that? It is a story that was inside of me even before it came out into computer-land.
Can I choose to think that all of it has never happened? I can, but I have to release the emotional energy from it first, which I do by playing this game with the picture and the story. By listening to the picture and the story in a rich way, as I do here, the emotional energy leaves it, and some flexibility and love come in instead.
You may wonder if this has anything to do with my life, with my healing process, with my becoming freer and freer. It has. There was still in me some belief (maybe this is why I like stories about knights), that my actions in life are determined by the women with whom I live. They send me to war and hold the rules of the game. I am reluctant to go but the horse under me, the power of society and hidden beliefs, drags me on in spite of me. And what about the leg or the penis? That’s what the war is about.