Archive for July, 2017

270. Sending questions to myself

Boiling conversation

I had an imaginary conversation

With a teacher

I let the conversation boil

And took it off the stove

To cool down

I saw I do not need this food

Any more

My soup is ready

Between the milky-way

And Andromeda

I wrote a letter this morning

And forgot to send it

The small waves

On the surface of the ocean

Carried the message for me

As far as it was needed

My friends are listening

Everywhere

They smiled

They flip flopped

They sent the message back to me

With the wind

Next time when I write

I’ll take the letter out myself

And put it carefully

In my own mailbox.

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269. On becoming a philosopher

The scream, the understanding and infinity

I just wanted to paint or draw the pain again.

In the past I used to draw the pain many times. The pain was not almost constant, as it is now. It would come every now and then and it would be quite devastating. I found then that I could draw it, the way and shape it was felt in the body, and after becoming stronger at first, the pain would start to get smaller and smaller until it would disappear. This would take some five or six drawings, which I made quite quickly in a little pad that I always had with me.

I thought I had the cat’s pajama. This gave me a way to protect myself from the pain and a way to feel capable and not out of control. But it also helped in establishing the pain. Because I did not want the pain and at least part of the activity of drawing was for the purpose of winning against it. When you think this way many times, you repeat the belief that the pain is bad for you and dangerous and needs to be fought against. This establishes the pain, in your mind, as dangerous and needing to be fought against.

I understood this and stopped this practice. But I also knew that there was a lot of good in making art about the pain. The good is, or at least some of it is in this: In order to draw you actually change your attitude from fear to curiosity. Curiosity is a characteristic of the true you, and it is of a higher vibration than fear. This makes you into a place, in which fear’s lower vibrations cannot stay. So it was beneficial in the emotional realm. And it taught me to automatically change my attitude every time the emotional reaction to the pain arose, from fear to curiosity. And you can add the sense of beauty that easily added itself to the drawing and brought a lot more good vibrations.

I am sure there is more good things to be found in this activity, so I decided to paint my pain again and find out. I wanted to let the painting bring in the thoughts and not the other way around.

All that is done with lines is a description of the pain. I took the liberty to twist appearances, as this helped to express the pain. You can see that it radiates strongly to all directions.

Sometimes when I want to give the feet energy with my hands, good, healing energy, the left hand jumps away. As if the strength of the pain’s energy frightens the left hand away.

After the lines, came the color areas, and this was done with a more relaxed state of mind. There is one line of orange round shapes going from a big shape at the bottom to a small one at the top. This is one story line. And there is a blue line of three rounded shapes going from right to left and crossing the orange story. And there is also a line of same-size round, smaller shapes, as if it is a bit farther, going diagonally through the whole picture.

To me, as I’m looking at the painting now, the orange and the blue describe an inner conflict. Two ideas in my being don’t agree with each other. And it is not shown as a juicy harsh conflict, but as an idea. One thought goes in this direction, another goes in a different direction and they disagree. Maybe it is even possible to see that there is no need for a resolution of this conflict. The two ideas can stay intact. We can get used to having contradictory ideas within us, because we all have plenty of them. Solutions, in any case, are never in the same layer of the conflicts. We have to go deeper.

The yellow line of smaller round shapes feels to me as the experience of a deeper layer of myself, where connection to infinity is felt.

How strange. In one painting you have the screaming of the pain, a more peaceful view of an underlying conflict, and a sense of infinity.

I was not interested in this case in the disappearance of the pain, but in seeing the bigger picture. I have changed.

When I told my Friend Stuart, many years ago, that I was about to separate for my wife, he told me a story. A student came to the Rabi and asked weather marrying was a good idea for him. The Rabi said it was. If you both fit each other, then you are a lucky man, he said. And if you don’t, then you will become a philosopher.

I feel as if I am married to the pain, we don’t fit, and I am becoming a philosopher.

In the end it may turn out that it was good for me…

How?

By forcing me into the deeper view.

268. I called it A Portrait

Portrait

I called it A Portrait.

I wrote this name and the measures on the back-side of the picture, so it will be ready for all the processes of selling.

Why is this a portrait?

Because I decided to make a portrait as I was starting. Before I did the first line, I wondered: What shall I do? And the answer came up in me: A portrait.

Then I used shapes of nose, eyes, wrinkles, cheek, collar, shirt, etc. But I made sure to place them in such a way that nobody will be able to see that it is a portrait. I do this many times.

Why?

Another kind of information wants to come out. Something that is more alive.

I liked, at some point, the way the drawing looked, concentrated in one place, remaining open in some places and softly closed in others, so I left the drawing where it was and went to bed. Yes I drew this late in the evening, before I retired.

But I drew-in the pencil lines that will contain the colors right after the drawing was finished.

I felt as if I was playing jazz, I had the motto, and it was time for the first improvisation. The pencil lines were the first improvisation.

What kind of improvisation is this one?

It is always, in my art, as I have been doing it lately, quieter than the drawing. Even if the colors describe an inner storm, a big longing, an upheaval of emotions, the improvisation is done from some distance. I am not involved any more with the details of the skin or how the eye blinks with irritation. Instead, my focus has shifted to the invention of the experience, the creating of the appearance.

At this moment, when I do the emotional movements, when I depict the energetic sources of how things ended up in appearance, I become disconnected from the details. Yes, I see them. I still have the experience of having created them a few seconds ago alive in my being. But magically I am able to hold them without being absorbed by them. I am allowing them to be, and at the same time, see/feel in me the energetic structures that are responsible for the forms. Who makes these structures of energy? I do.

And suddenly, I am aware of my experience in a deeper way. Or maybe I should call it multi layered way. And in order to view my experience like this, I must view with the whole energy of my being. I have to be at the same time everywhere in me, and see, see deeper, and actually create all that happens, which I call experience.

This is very much like what I do in meditation.

All right, friends. No big deal. I just made a portrait. I just looked at a wider landscape, where creation happens. I looked at a little part of it. The picture is not complete if you look for all possible details. But it is complete as it is, and nothing else is necessary for the presence of everything in the universe to be there. Indeed, this, and everything else, cannot exist without the existence of all the other things in the universe. Nothing can be missing, and it never is.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.