Archive for the 'Truth' Category

345. What is happening?

Being, not being,
The energy that gathers my body
Is less insistent now
My body feels the spaces in itself
Where it does not exist

These are the places
Where my true self
Is taking over

The pain I have
Is in the places
Where I still
Refuse
To be myself.


Thinking about what has has happened to me:
I knew I was helping people.
The gift I had gotten, of knowing how to move deeper or higher, through art making that flows intuitively with writing about it in an intuitive way, this gift was helping people. Those of you who stayed with me for a while here on this blog were intrigued, and saw that there was truth in what I was presenting. 
I still had a feeling that I have not gone all the way and therefore my help was limited. I worked with some people and I knew that they had benefited  from our work. It was wonderful. But I wanted to go farther with them.
 
Through the years the motivation that people had, when they chose to work with me, has changed. In the beginning people were trying to figure out their lives. They were also trying to understand what healing means. How can one really evolve? 
Later most of those who came knew that they were not living fully. They knew that they had betrayed a part of them that was crucial for their ability to be happy. They wanted to nurture that part and live more fully.  
Nowadays suddenly a new kind of clients has appeared. These are people who have already devoted themselves to helping others. They are healers. But they want to go deeper, so that they can help even more. By looking at all this I know that I have changed. so my helping others was actually helping myself. We all know this, don’t we. But still seeing it happening feels good.

All this is a strange writing, I have to say. I already know that that “I” that I am speaking of does not exist. The”I” that I have had was never real, but I was still attached to it somehow. This attachment is waning. And even though I have tried some other modalities along they way, it is the steady work that I have been doing on myself using this intuitive art method, that slowly and surely brought one insight after another and actually took me safely to higher and higher places. 

The old “I” still has some appearances in my game, but I already see him naked. I know he is not real. He is a collection of habits. And it is clear that all that feels good in my life comes from the higher self. And all that this fake character, the “i”, can bring is unpleasant. It is that simple.

During the last years I tried many ways to stop or at least reduce my pain meaningfully. I have a condition called Painful Peripheral Neuropathy. Even though it was never checked to define whether it is a short fiber Neuropathy or some other kind, I believe it is the short fiber one. It means that the very ends of my nerves, where they come to be in the skin, to be able to touch and feel, are injured somehow. This makes it hard to touch the skin. Every touch hurts.  Walking hurts like hell. I can’t put on shoes. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes. Every time I move my feet it hurts. When I lie flat the pain increases. I have to find creative poses in which I can sleep. When I move in my sleep the pain wakes me up. If I choose an unfortunate pose the pain increases so much and I wake up to an unbearable strength of pain. 

I tried many ways to reduce the pain. Medications hardly had an influence, and they have quite terrible side effects, as they actually prevent normal activity of healthy nerves everywhere in the body. Then there are all kinds of injections that did not work. Then an implement was placed in my legs that radiated electric currents near the nerves, to make them change the signals that they carry to the brain. It also did not work for me. I did acupuncture and it only increased my pain to intolerable degrees. I even tried an experimental treatment that is supposed to change the polarity of the nerves that go to the pain center in the brain, so that the messages of pain will not be able to pass through. All these did not work. And there were a number of other ways that I tried. 

At the same time I did things that I discovered on my own. Spraying the feet with cold water reduces the pain sometimes. Placing my left foot over the right foot when I sit, somehow blocks the nerves in the left foot, and reduces the pain. Doing the same thing with the right foot does not produce the same effect. Maybe because the places that hurt in the right foot are different. I have a meditation from the Release Technique that stops the pain in one foot. Immediately the pain moves to the other foot. Then it comes back to the first, then the second… After a while I conquer the pain. What a blessing! But imagine waking up at night and getting into meditation when all you want is to sleep, and staying in the meditation long enough to succeed. 
In this blog I described a method that I used, to take the pain away by drawing the shape of the area of the pain in the body. As I do this several times, the shape of the area of pain changes. Then it gets smaller. Sometimes it breaks up to a few spots and eventually disappears altogether.

And more deeply, I always knew that the reason for any malfunction of the body is a habitual malfunction of my energy, the energy that keeps creating the body all the time of its life. This energy malfunction comes from thoughts or beliefs that have the power to divert the healthy energy from going its healthy routs. I do not want to tell the stories that I invented in my childhood, in a state of trauma, that created those blockages for the healthy energy, because I have already wrote about them in this blog. These childhood stories were revealed to me through the art process. But even knowing them did not make them stop their activity immediately. The thoughts from the time of the trauma were linked to many other newer thoughts, and it became a mesh that was hard to dismantle. 

I decided to do a few sessions with a hypnotherapist. If they can stop people from smoking, they can help me not think certain thoughts. This helped a little, by increasing self acceptance. but I still had the pain. Then I chose to do a session with a practitioner of The Emotion Code and The Body Code. The practitioner extracted thoughts from the subconscious. It is like a spring cleaning of the subconscious. Some forty issued were released. Some from this lifetime and some from other lifetimes. I also had two unwanted tenants in my energy field, two entities. They were sent on their way to the light, as these things are done. 

Forty items in one time is a lot. Two hours after the session a new stream of energy showed up. It went down in the feet and forced its way through all the hurting places. At first this energy came only every fifteen minutes and was not too strong. In time the intervals became shorter and the strength of this energy increased dramatically. These days I have times when this energy pushes its way through the pain all day and all night long. 

This energy has become the main cause of the pain nowadays. When it passes through the hurting places, I believe that this energy is healing the nerves. But how can you live with such a strong pain all the time? 

One thing I have learned from this is that there is no need to hasten the process of healing. it is not a good idea. If you succeed, you get what you wanted. But it may be too much for your body to take. It is better to find something that works in its normal speed, and let it do its work, so that slowly you get to feel relief and more relief. And of course, you evolve too as you go.
The best way, it seems to me, is to be yourself, by manifesting in your life all that is unique about you. It means, that you do what feels deeply wonderful for you. You do what makes your heart sing. This is a way to go deeper and deeper into your true self. This heals everything.

At first I decided to let it hurt and to be happy for the healing that this energy brings. But since it started to be too torturous, I started to look for ways to stop the pain. Having severe pain all the time wreaks havoc on the body. Different processes do not work as usual. I can’t leave home. I have been home bound for very long. I have to be near the cold water all the time. I need to be near the toilet all the rime. I need to be near a comfortable place to sit and do the meditations. And it hurts as hell when I walk. Even with an electric folding wheelchair, in order to arrive at the pavement outside, I need to walk with the chair out of the apartment, to use the elevator, to open two heavy doors and descend a few stairs. Then, of course, I need to do this backward when i come back. And this is enough for increasing the pain and having it increased for a day or two afterwards, together with two sleepless nights. 

I suddenly remembered a meditation for healing others from far, that I learned in the Consciousness Research Institute. It has to do with creating an imaginary dome. This seemed a good idea to me. You see, one important difficulty with pain is that you naturally resist it. And everything that you resist persists. So I wanted to find a way to feel good while having the pain. And this dome creation seemed to have the potential to do it. And it did. When I created an imaginary dome it felt as if it was filled with good energy, which is the energy of my higher self. I immediately felt relief and an opening of the heart. And if I managed to stay longer in this condition, the body started to relax and eventually the crazy stream of energy would stop. This worked in about one third of the times. But it worked. It showed me that there are ways to stop the stream of this strong energy and reduce the pain, by going higher with my energy. Then, after some days I discovered, while doing this meditation in the middle of the night, that there was some density in the energy that surrounded my spine. And I decided to open the spine to this good energy of the space of the dome, to let the density around the spine dissolve in the good energy. and it worked. This increased the success of the new meditation maybe to half of the times. Maybe even more. It depends on when I do it. Am I awake enough? Do I have the energy to do it? How strong is the stream of the energy now?
And today I saw that all I need to do is to become aware of all the tensions in the body, when in pain. This awareness dissolves the tensions, and that relaxation happens. 

Working with painting and writing has always been and is an every day practice for me. I can see how I am changing through this. And I still suffer a lot from this pain. 

342. All you want to know

It is clear that this painting has in it a problem in the left lower side. Generally there is joy bursting in it. But look at that corner. Yes, it is the corner of my pain in the legs. It is what prevents me from sleeping, it is what causes me to cry sometimes and keeps me away from walking, going to museums and movies, meeting with friends etc.. and I wonder many times how to deal with it. What am I to do when I am tortured. How to respond? This blog started with the intention to heal through my work on myself, using this method with making art intuitively and then reading it. I have released tons of old sad programs from my subconscious. I saw again and again a bigger picture of our life on our different versions of earth. All these came from this work and you were the witnesses. And yesterday, while the pain has gone even stronger than ever, I painted this. The reading this time does not follow everything that showed up in the painting, but instead responds to how come there is joy there at all, when there is that torture in the corner. And it can also be a guidance, telling me to dedicate myself to doing what feels deeply good, and let the pain issue take care of itself. The poem describes the context for this understanding.
The painting process shows me where I am and the writing guides me.


All you want to know


If you ask:
What is good now?
You’ll see that
The light in the room
Is good.
The table that you use
Is good
And supportive
Your hand is very good
For writing now
The floor is wonderful
And the earth
Underneath the building
With all the life
That it holds
Is nothing but
The good of goods
And you'll see
That the existence
Of everything
Is crucial
For this moment 
to exist
For you to move
See
And do.

If you find this true
Then you now know
That everything is good
And you understand
What the love
Of the universe
Means.

You see
That you live
Inside of love
And whatever happens
To you
Cannot make you
Fall out
Of this.

And if you wonder
What is it
That you are doing here
and can you
Choose something better?
Then you are exercising
Your unique power
To be one
With this love

And you know
Everything that you
Have to know
About you,
Your life
And
What you want to do.


 

341. Beloved sons

Maybe
This time it is not
About what is better
And what is worse
But:
Do I want to play
With differences
Or
Shall I rest in truth
For which
Both the righteous
And the villain
Are beloved sons?


							

340. All the levels of my view

At any moment of my life
I carry all the levels 
Of my view.
If I let them all go
The only one that's true
Remains.

329. Magnetic fields of the mind

The mind creates magnetic fields
Within what do they live?
They live in the truth
The truth is everywhere
And it is the only thing
That cannot be destructed
Therefore
It is not a thing

Trees grow from the earth
They eat the earth and drink water
They soak the sun
They breath the air
Like us
The earth and water are
The sun is
The air is
Products of the ancient mind
And are influenced by my own
Current mind

My mind
Is a traveling choice maker in infinity
Using the old truth
As clay
To be shaped with imagination

Hey
Everything is me!

325. No answer

All the questions that we have
Lead us to one final question
And all the power that our questions have
Comes from leading us to this

The question is: Who am I?
Or what am I?

And there is no answer to this question
Because we are the freedom
To be as we wish
Or as our heart yearns

And it is, in the end,
To be ourselves.

319. Glimpse

I close my eyes
And let the not-body see

My body can be found afloat
among the houses, tables, pencils, thoughts
Emerging from the ground of all

I move between my feelings and my pen
As if I fly
From dream to dream

Myself has turned to air.

I let everything go. My attention goes to where it usually is, which is everything that has to do with seeing. Seeing seems to be the strongest attraction and if you try to feel where you are, when you close your eyes, most probably you’ll find that your attention is somewhere where it feels that seeing happens: Somewhere inside of your head in the front part. The place where thinking happens is maybe also as strong. But this is only a habit. You can move yourself to another place. Or you can shift your inner listening to another mode. You can settle yourself into an energetic attention. This is what I did here. I found myself just attending to the field of awareness.

In the beginning it looks empty. Then you feel that it is alive. Then you start knowing that it is eternal, and you may start knowing more things. In this specific case I started seeing colors. The painting was some expression of that. The reason for seeing colors may have been my expecting this to happen or even just wanting.
And when you find your body, your thoughts and emotions or your experiences, in this context, Then this is what the poem describes. The sense of beauty is inherent in this state.

Your experiences will be unique to you, if you try this. Don’t take this writing as a guidance. My teacher of meditation would say: “Let go of imagining altogether. See what is there already.” What is there is awareness that you can experience. And beyond this there is nothing. That nothing you can’t experience. You just experience that there is nothing. And this nothing is you.

317. Without colors now, with colors now

Things that I drew many times before, appear again in this drawing.
The drawing is dense with shapes, especially on the right half. This drawing asks for colors that will help define the shapes, the background and the background of the background. The first background is the environment. The second is eternity.
What are these things doing together? They are flowing. They come into being and they move on, leaving their place in our awareness for other things to come, with the flow of our thoughts.

When you look at details, you may find that even shapes that seem to block the flow move, together with everything else.

All the things that I love move. They are not now what they were before. Mainly, everything shows to me how everything changes. Like watching a parade, I watch my life passing by. There will always be something to watch. My thoughts will make everything more and more beautiful. The sky will turn into the infinite heart. My home will recline on the back of my cat and both will float as clouds over the land, spotted with things I have not come to know yet. The village of my youth will undulate with little waves, while a simple bug will fly away from the big pine of my youth to its own new perceptions.

Then, when you think of it, only thoughts and perceptions change.

To end, since the drawing begged for colors, I gave them to it.

316. Birds in the blue sky

I thought just now of calling it: birds falling from the sky.

As in many times before, many shapes that I drew, not knowing what I was doing, ended up looking like strange animals. I did not think of any birds and no people were planned.
But now there is a man in the left lower corner, doing something and maybe using a second head to look at the biggest falling bird. Maybe it is falling right on him?
On the right there is a bra hanging from a tree branch.
It seems there is some ground at the bottom. It is not drawn. But several things stand on it. This is why, for me, it feels that an earth must be there.
At the top there is a big bird feeding a young, smaller bird, while in flight, as airplanes sometimes do. maybe there is a cat down on the earth, with some unknown creature standing on its back.
So what is behind what I draw here?
I somewhat like this drawing. I did not add paint to it, to preserve it as it is, in the most alive state, before the power of the colors reduces its strength. Being raw, you can feel the fascination with the shimmering of everything. This is how I see things nowadays.
It is not a perfect drawing. The hanging bra and one little bird, alone in the air, at the top left, break the diagonal flow of everything else. The little bird moves at least. But the bra is defying every tendency in the drawing, by hanging vertically, as if nothing is happening around it.

This is not a happy drawing, though the deep curiosity is here, and curiosity is a happy state. So it is a mixed mood.

I love birds, I love rocks (there are two at the lower right corner), I love cats, I love people, I love the sky. There is nothing in the drawing that I do not love.
Maybe the issue of the drawing is the inconsistencies?
Maybe it is the big event of the central big bird falling and the chaos that it creates?
Of course there are always details in life that continue their natural way of behaving, as if nothing happened, as in all cases when some disaster occurs.

This is it! I have caught the essence of the drawing for me.
How do I know?
When I wrote this it felt right.
So:
Disaster happened.
and nature goes on as if everything is okay.
The sky continues to be wonderful.
Painfully, the recognition is being forced on you: the big disastrous event is only in your eyes. Big as it is, it comes and goes without leaving a mark in infinity.
There is joy everywhere.
The universe with no borders is flowing gracefully and lovingly forever.
Everything happens and nothing happens.

It is like all the little waves that you bump into when swimming in the lake. How many of them will you remember when you are already out of the water, lying on your back on a big towel and watching birds in the blue sky?

311. An event in eternity

The drawing is in dark brown (Van Dike brown).

I invent as I go. The next line always suggests itself. It means that I am in a conversation and allowing the infinite-field draw through me. It always responds to my mood or feeling in the time. And if I allow a description of some energy, an expression of a feeling or any inner experience, come through as well, the energy of the feeling is released at the same time that it comes to be seen on the paper. It is released because it is being seen from the perspective of the flow, which is a higher energy. Higher energy dissolves lower energy.

Then, still in the process, relieved from what I felt before, a new, better feeling arises and is also expressed in its turn. And so on.

At some point I feel good about the way the drawing is now, and this is the sign to stop. It feels complete.

This feeling of completeness is miraculous. Where does it come from? I ask my inner guide and he says: This is your gift.

Do I understand this? Not really. I consider this not-knowing a gift too.

I can leave the drawing as it is. 

And I can start playing with colors and additional textures or whatever feels good.

I wait for the lines that are done in watercolor to dry out. Then a thought comes to me, to photograph every step, so when I share this text with you, you will have in front of you what was in front of me when I wrote about each of the steps of making the painting. But I get so engrossed in the process that I do not want to stop, and I end up finishing the whole painting, without taking any photograph in the process. So you will have to imagine the steps that I wrote about, when the painting was in progress, while looking at the finished painting.

Now, with the finished drawing in front of me, I already feel so much better than before. Yes, just making these few lines made me feel so much better. All along the way, through the doing of the drawing, I released whatever emotions came up and became freer. Infinity matched my new feeling and brought new ideas for lines or effects that felt better than before.

I did the first color area, the dark green. The people at Prismacolor (I used Prismacolor pencils to color) call it Olive Green, but it is not olive green at all. It is more like what is called in other places Forest Green. It has a sense of depth and aliveness. I feel happy about how the drawing jumps above it. The softness of the green and what feels like a positive environment makes the brown of the drawing a bit scary and as it has bad intentions.

Also, suddenly there is a feeling of depth. The green calls you to sink deeper into it and the brown line is jumping closer to us.

I had a feeling of what would come after this green spot. I saw in the imagination many colors. I saw a procession of them in the same kind of spots, developing into some jolly dance.

But now, that I see what is appearing, as I am working on the next color area, the ochre, another game suggests itself to me. I feel excitement about what I’ll do. Look at this: another improvement in the level of joy.

The second color, the reddish ochre, is in. It feels as if it is under the green, but if you ignore the area where this new color touches the green and look only at how it interacts with the brown lines, it feels to be closer to us than the green. It is under the lines just because I drew it as such. But it is jumping out a little and in other circumstances could be felt to be closer than the brown lines.

I look at what I have now and I feel it is almost enough, but not yet.

The color areas have some stability to them that makes the lines seem more active than before.

Does it feel good now? Yes, it does. But still I feel there is need for more.

There is strong pain in my left foot. The foot is hot. This is unpleasant and my automatic thoughts about it take my mood down a bit.

On the other hand, even though I can do something to reduce this pain, the interest in what is happening in the painting keeps me involved in the process.

I get tired suddenly and decide to stop and continue the next day.

I look at the picture in progress in the next day. The red added a stone like body that is suddenly turning down. The ochre and the green made an effort to go up and this red goes down. It is not a stone really, and the green and ochre aren’t that heavy. They float. They all are light and it is just a meandering of energy, depicted in this way. 

Making the red go down is actually following what the drawing does. The following of the drawing is not like making a copy of its movement but a variation that is at play with it. Again, the colors add a sense of depth, a concrete depth. The white background that the drawing played on can represent the infinite space, the boundlessness. The colors come a little closer to the way we experience our reality (This shape is close to me and that one is a bit farther away).

Adding the colors and then more effects is like composing music. You have the leading voice in the drawing. If we do not add anything after this, we have an a-capella performance. Adding the color spots and other things is like adding harmony and maybe a base line and drums. This is the way it is for me. The added color shapes can go along, can highlight the drawing and can contradict it. This creates the composition, and the composition is the most important aspect of the way the whole piece feels. When you play music, it is because you love to hear it. And it is the same here. Everything is done in the painting because I love to experience the way it comes out on the paper.

Now I have just done the light, dust-in-the-desert like, cloud under the lines in the left region.

As I was finishing I felt a bit of an alarm. Maybe this is not the best color here? I saw it there before I made it. I always have this soft, trusting, question in me before I make the next step. What will come now? Aug., what do you think? Aug. is August Moon, my inner guide. He is always present for me so lovingly. And he paints with me. We are one, you can say. So I invite him to participate in all that I do here as a human being on this earth.

Usually, as soon as I ask, I see the next step in my imagination and I do it. When I say that I see it, it is still not final. It keeps changing as long as I make it. Ikeep changing throughout the process, and these changes are expressed all the time. This gives a wonderful feeling of wellbeing, of playing joyfully. You can say that it is a way to walk along with awareness. Awareness itself only looks and knows. But I like to express, so I invent ways to make effects in the art that express what awareness sees. 

At this point I look at the painting again and I start seeing possibilities for a few steps ahead. But when the blue is done, all the other possible additions become unnecessary.

I needed to have blue there. It was something I felt very strongly in my body. So now I feel relieved. It is a good feeling, like: Everything is okay now.

But is it? Let me look again.

The addition of the colors has made the painting more dramatic. Especially the addition of the blue has a strong effect. Now the lines are like wind and the way it blows, and the color areas are like a thunder as it moves through the landscape.

The fact that the area with colors is in the middle and is surrounded by white makes the scene harsh. It is almost shocking. Such a drama is happening in the middle, that everything else in the world has become white. The central happening has sucked all the energy from the world.

And me? I feel excited. What a game! Look at what I made!

I could stop here. It is like a minimal statement. The string instruments, as I imagine the lines to be, have a meandering tune. They mix with each other to travel along a short musical sentence, from right to left. They go up, they go down like in a wave, they swell again and this is the whole sentence. And in the background you hear the thunder of other instruments rolling, making a big show, but it is a short and colorful one. It all happened quickly and now it has ended. You still tremble with the sound waves. 

Something deep in me wants more. The picture is not totally true yet. Something is missing. To be satisfied I need to add something else. And I add the screens in several places.

Yes, this is better now. Something deeper wanted to be expressed. August moon is smiling now and this means that I am in a very good state.

The last addition of the screens softens the harshness of the event. It says that this was a little occurrence in infinity. There was a concentration, some contrast, some rumbling of a passing energy, and now it is dispersing and about to disappear into the infinite peace.

Time to sign

I can add or align my signature with the edge of the picture. But then it will be like saying that I add my power to the tendency to confine, to frame and limit the view. So instead I decide to be close to the movement and to align myself with the infinite ebb and flow in the ocean of energy. Not to feel protected by holding on to a defined place. Not to say that my power comes from having a point of view. Instead, I am everything. Everything happens within me, is made of me and disappears in me.

This turned out to have been a meditation about the nature of our reality. It lead me from expressing feelings as they were detected by the awareness, which is the background to all of our excitements, going along with the experiences of how the feelings kept changing from involvement to detachment and from the narrow view of: Oh, what is happening to me, to awe.

It is a healing trip, like a pilgrimage that sends you walking in the mud step after step to disentanglement and to the bigger view of the truth that opens up.

It is based on listening to one’s heart and doing what comes from there. 

This is one possibility of becoming free. There are innumerable ways and this one is my favorite.



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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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