Archive for the 'letting go' Category

345. What is happening?

Being, not being,
The energy that gathers my body
Is less insistent now
My body feels the spaces in itself
Where it does not exist

These are the places
Where my true self
Is taking over

The pain I have
Is in the places
Where I still
Refuse
To be myself.


Thinking about what has has happened to me:
I knew I was helping people.
The gift I had gotten, of knowing how to move deeper or higher, through art making that flows intuitively with writing about it in an intuitive way, this gift was helping people. Those of you who stayed with me for a while here on this blog were intrigued, and saw that there was truth in what I was presenting. 
I still had a feeling that I have not gone all the way and therefore my help was limited. I worked with some people and I knew that they had benefited  from our work. It was wonderful. But I wanted to go farther with them.
 
Through the years the motivation that people had, when they chose to work with me, has changed. In the beginning people were trying to figure out their lives. They were also trying to understand what healing means. How can one really evolve? 
Later most of those who came knew that they were not living fully. They knew that they had betrayed a part of them that was crucial for their ability to be happy. They wanted to nurture that part and live more fully.  
Nowadays suddenly a new kind of clients has appeared. These are people who have already devoted themselves to helping others. They are healers. But they want to go deeper, so that they can help even more. By looking at all this I know that I have changed. so my helping others was actually helping myself. We all know this, don’t we. But still seeing it happening feels good.

All this is a strange writing, I have to say. I already know that that “I” that I am speaking of does not exist. The”I” that I have had was never real, but I was still attached to it somehow. This attachment is waning. And even though I have tried some other modalities along they way, it is the steady work that I have been doing on myself using this intuitive art method, that slowly and surely brought one insight after another and actually took me safely to higher and higher places. 

The old “I” still has some appearances in my game, but I already see him naked. I know he is not real. He is a collection of habits. And it is clear that all that feels good in my life comes from the higher self. And all that this fake character, the “i”, can bring is unpleasant. It is that simple.

During the last years I tried many ways to stop or at least reduce my pain meaningfully. I have a condition called Painful Peripheral Neuropathy. Even though it was never checked to define whether it is a short fiber Neuropathy or some other kind, I believe it is the short fiber one. It means that the very ends of my nerves, where they come to be in the skin, to be able to touch and feel, are injured somehow. This makes it hard to touch the skin. Every touch hurts.  Walking hurts like hell. I can’t put on shoes. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes. Every time I move my feet it hurts. When I lie flat the pain increases. I have to find creative poses in which I can sleep. When I move in my sleep the pain wakes me up. If I choose an unfortunate pose the pain increases so much and I wake up to an unbearable strength of pain. 

I tried many ways to reduce the pain. Medications hardly had an influence, and they have quite terrible side effects, as they actually prevent normal activity of healthy nerves everywhere in the body. Then there are all kinds of injections that did not work. Then an implement was placed in my legs that radiated electric currents near the nerves, to make them change the signals that they carry to the brain. It also did not work for me. I did acupuncture and it only increased my pain to intolerable degrees. I even tried an experimental treatment that is supposed to change the polarity of the nerves that go to the pain center in the brain, so that the messages of pain will not be able to pass through. All these did not work. And there were a number of other ways that I tried. 

At the same time I did things that I discovered on my own. Spraying the feet with cold water reduces the pain sometimes. Placing my left foot over the right foot when I sit, somehow blocks the nerves in the left foot, and reduces the pain. Doing the same thing with the right foot does not produce the same effect. Maybe because the places that hurt in the right foot are different. I have a meditation from the Release Technique that stops the pain in one foot. Immediately the pain moves to the other foot. Then it comes back to the first, then the second… After a while I conquer the pain. What a blessing! But imagine waking up at night and getting into meditation when all you want is to sleep, and staying in the meditation long enough to succeed. 
In this blog I described a method that I used, to take the pain away by drawing the shape of the area of the pain in the body. As I do this several times, the shape of the area of pain changes. Then it gets smaller. Sometimes it breaks up to a few spots and eventually disappears altogether.

And more deeply, I always knew that the reason for any malfunction of the body is a habitual malfunction of my energy, the energy that keeps creating the body all the time of its life. This energy malfunction comes from thoughts or beliefs that have the power to divert the healthy energy from going its healthy routs. I do not want to tell the stories that I invented in my childhood, in a state of trauma, that created those blockages for the healthy energy, because I have already wrote about them in this blog. These childhood stories were revealed to me through the art process. But even knowing them did not make them stop their activity immediately. The thoughts from the time of the trauma were linked to many other newer thoughts, and it became a mesh that was hard to dismantle. 

I decided to do a few sessions with a hypnotherapist. If they can stop people from smoking, they can help me not think certain thoughts. This helped a little, by increasing self acceptance. but I still had the pain. Then I chose to do a session with a practitioner of The Emotion Code and The Body Code. The practitioner extracted thoughts from the subconscious. It is like a spring cleaning of the subconscious. Some forty issued were released. Some from this lifetime and some from other lifetimes. I also had two unwanted tenants in my energy field, two entities. They were sent on their way to the light, as these things are done. 

Forty items in one time is a lot. Two hours after the session a new stream of energy showed up. It went down in the feet and forced its way through all the hurting places. At first this energy came only every fifteen minutes and was not too strong. In time the intervals became shorter and the strength of this energy increased dramatically. These days I have times when this energy pushes its way through the pain all day and all night long. 

This energy has become the main cause of the pain nowadays. When it passes through the hurting places, I believe that this energy is healing the nerves. But how can you live with such a strong pain all the time? 

One thing I have learned from this is that there is no need to hasten the process of healing. it is not a good idea. If you succeed, you get what you wanted. But it may be too much for your body to take. It is better to find something that works in its normal speed, and let it do its work, so that slowly you get to feel relief and more relief. And of course, you evolve too as you go.
The best way, it seems to me, is to be yourself, by manifesting in your life all that is unique about you. It means, that you do what feels deeply wonderful for you. You do what makes your heart sing. This is a way to go deeper and deeper into your true self. This heals everything.

At first I decided to let it hurt and to be happy for the healing that this energy brings. But since it started to be too torturous, I started to look for ways to stop the pain. Having severe pain all the time wreaks havoc on the body. Different processes do not work as usual. I can’t leave home. I have been home bound for very long. I have to be near the cold water all the time. I need to be near the toilet all the rime. I need to be near a comfortable place to sit and do the meditations. And it hurts as hell when I walk. Even with an electric folding wheelchair, in order to arrive at the pavement outside, I need to walk with the chair out of the apartment, to use the elevator, to open two heavy doors and descend a few stairs. Then, of course, I need to do this backward when i come back. And this is enough for increasing the pain and having it increased for a day or two afterwards, together with two sleepless nights. 

I suddenly remembered a meditation for healing others from far, that I learned in the Consciousness Research Institute. It has to do with creating an imaginary dome. This seemed a good idea to me. You see, one important difficulty with pain is that you naturally resist it. And everything that you resist persists. So I wanted to find a way to feel good while having the pain. And this dome creation seemed to have the potential to do it. And it did. When I created an imaginary dome it felt as if it was filled with good energy, which is the energy of my higher self. I immediately felt relief and an opening of the heart. And if I managed to stay longer in this condition, the body started to relax and eventually the crazy stream of energy would stop. This worked in about one third of the times. But it worked. It showed me that there are ways to stop the stream of this strong energy and reduce the pain, by going higher with my energy. Then, after some days I discovered, while doing this meditation in the middle of the night, that there was some density in the energy that surrounded my spine. And I decided to open the spine to this good energy of the space of the dome, to let the density around the spine dissolve in the good energy. and it worked. This increased the success of the new meditation maybe to half of the times. Maybe even more. It depends on when I do it. Am I awake enough? Do I have the energy to do it? How strong is the stream of the energy now?
And today I saw that all I need to do is to become aware of all the tensions in the body, when in pain. This awareness dissolves the tensions, and that relaxation happens. 

Working with painting and writing has always been and is an every day practice for me. I can see how I am changing through this. And I still suffer a lot from this pain. 

341. Beloved sons

Maybe
This time it is not
About what is better
And what is worse
But:
Do I want to play
With differences
Or
Shall I rest in truth
For which
Both the righteous
And the villain
Are beloved sons?


							

340. All the levels of my view

At any moment of my life
I carry all the levels 
Of my view.
If I let them all go
The only one that's true
Remains.

338. Goodbye Mom

There is fire in my feet

But I am dancing

And lifting my heavy heart

A bird comes out from my head

Another bird is kissing me

I see my mom resting

On a big pink cloud

I am ready to sail on the river now

To pass the pasture

And come to my new playing field

I am quiet

I am strong

I only do what feels good to me

I am free.

337. Airborne

The bird wants to fly
On her own
She slowly disconnects
From where she stands

Wanting to fly
Takes its energy
From the sun
And it is light

Hesitation
To leave the earth
Is from the fear
And it is heavy

For many years
It seemed that
She has flown
And stayed

It took a lifetime
To slowly be
More airborne
Than earthbound

One
Lifetime
Which is
No time at all.

336. The child has stopped crying

I had to carefully compose again after it looked as if I had finished it already.
There was a lot to add. It is so easy with this technique.
And I fixed it. Now it appeals to me. I made it to appeal to me.

When I think what is new about my late paintings, it is that they are more subtle. There is a sense of joy that bubbles up in them. This sense of joy was in my paintings before too. But the feeling was that it had to struggle more in order to express itself. It was beautiful that it did, and there was a sense of drama in every one of those joy expressions.

Now it feels that the joy is comfortable and playful. It does not struggle in order to be.
The dark past is still in the painting. It looks darker than in previous paintings, but it also looks old, weak, dilapidated.

I remember the technique that I developed in healing from far, when I practiced with the group Consciousness Research Institute. I would create a huge dome around myself, full of good energy. Then I’d bring the person to be healed into the dome, to be there with me.
And I would feel the discomfort of having with me in the space of the dome someone whose energy did not match with mine. (Just as the pain in this moment is such energy that does not match mine). And I would let this strange energy be a part of me without resistance. Just like having something in your pocket that you don’t necessarily feel comfortable with, but it is there. So you just get familiar with the feeling of it being there, and you go on with the business of life. Going on being, that now includes this uncomfortable feeling. You let it be until it is a part of you that does not stand out any more. It is not uncomfortable any more, but itself as it is.

Strange how difficult it is to explain this and how natural, spontaneous and simple it was to do it.

So now it starts to feel to me that I am, at last, at this very stage with my past.
I love the little boy who I was, who struggled so hard, with so much pain and fear, and I can’t but admire how courageous he was, how good hearted.
I love him dearly.
And at the same time I get less and less impressed by the traumatic influence of that time. The trauma can be seen in the art. But the joy grows as an expression of freedom. Like a beautiful bird that was caged in darkness and, as it comes out of it, grows and becomes the whole scene.

There are delicate structures that may represent the way I explained things to myself, and they are very fragile. They can fall apart easily or change into something else. And in a way they are irrelevant to the joy.
Joy is the original state. Thinking is a game, happening inside of joy and sometimes becoming too heavy and obscures the joy that it has come from.

So it is a good thing that the thinking, as it appears in the art, has become lighter and less obscuring.

Look at the dark blue and violet shapes at the bottom right. Don’t they look like old remnants of a war that has ended? Do you feel the relief of being joy that is free from those remnants, a joy that does not struggle to be?

I’d say it is still quite moderate. It is just taking stock of the fact it is here. The child has stopped crying and now is becoming interested in everything.

335. Golden tears

A garden grows
At the top of the soil
With a touch of sadness
To it

A lonely soul
Is leaving
Hoping to have it better
In another place

There is gold in the earth
And next to it
A hidden wound
A flood of sadness
And the body of a man

He is resting now
Near water and green
He is dreaming
Of a life that he could have
If he managed to go up
To the open air
Passing the blood
And the tendency of history
To pull us down
Against our will

In the open air
Our garden grows
Married
To a trauma

But we know
Don’t we
That every morsel of this scene
Is made of gold

We wipe our golden tears
With wonder.

333. Improvisation on head and shouders

The parts of the head
And shoulders
Spread to all the wrong places
As if they were kids
In a school intermission

Instead of being controlled
By the rules
They freely followed
Their hearts

As a result
Harmony settled in
In which
Effortlessly
All individual whims together
Became the complete expression
Of the one.

332. The nerve pain that broke the dream down

The queen had a party
The guests drank and talked
Around the table
But I wanted to sleep
So she made a bed for me
Nearby
I sank in
Among the big pillows
The words of a book
Appeared
And I read them in my sleep

Nerve pain woke me up
Where in the book was I?

I left with all the guests
Not before
I saw the queen
Getting into that same bed
Saying:
How nice that it is warm

I let the others go
And came back to fetch my shoes
But the royal cat attacked me twice
And fell on its back
Like a rag

I gave up
I laughed

The dream of my life was lying broken
On the floor
And light was coming
Through the cracks.

325. No answer

All the questions that we have
Lead us to one final question
And all the power that our questions have
Comes from leading us to this

The question is: Who am I?
Or what am I?

And there is no answer to this question
Because we are the freedom
To be as we wish
Or as our heart yearns

And it is, in the end,
To be ourselves.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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