Archive for August, 2011

65. Four drawings and their lesson

The drawings were done in different times. They are arranged from the oldest, which was on August 10th to the newest on August 30th. I chose them from among many others because they represent a direction and because I like them.

Here is the first:

My issue reemerge

My issue reemerge

My relentless picture reemerged

My heart arises desperately

I am holding it

And it escapes.

Encumbered at the legs

Do I love myself?

Yes, no,

Deeply troubled with

Things as they are.

The second drawing, from August 26th:

Walking in the street

Walking in the street

When I walk outside

I suddenly find myself

Hurrying

And as if worried

Then I say

I am blessed to have this experience

And I open up to the endless.

The third drawing, from August 29th:

The wind of my heart

The wind of my heart

My heart takes me in its wind.

Before, I spent time

Mainly in the front of the house

At the window

Watching the flies

Playing in the air.

But one day

The path to the house became

A picture-book-man

Coming up

Or coming up and down.

I dirtied the floor

But I cleaned it

Pumping water from the well.

Now I am

Happily breathing

Like the kiss of a good sound.

And the forth drawing, August 30th:

No limits

No limits

This is not a poem. These are just thoughts.

I don’t know

Why I cry

When I look

At what

I’ve just

Done.

I see the usual effort

To jump into space

To disappear, maybe?

To find Mama and Papa?

To find love forever?

To be free?

Home?

To be who I am?

I also see that there are always a few starting strokes that are willful

And soon after them something true kicks in and takes over.

All I have to do is listen/do.

Listen/do is my new way to describe intuitive doing.

My aim is to listen/do beauty, which seems to be what I am here for. It is the gift that I have received and it is the very best, the only real thing that I can ever give to anybody.

And this one drawing tears my heart. It may be nothing to others. Maybe a few will feel their hearts broken too? And that’s where my niche resides.

Or maybe it is: To show anybody who is interested how to do it too.

So, basically, the work that I do involves finding out where I am, by looking in with a drawing and with words, and maybe with new ways that I have not found yet. When I am low or encumbered, opening up and being relieved through my work, by accepting all that I find. I have already written in Part One how good this method is for accepting and loving. Doing it every time until the beauty that I find breaks my heart, and in this way experience again and again that love has no limits.

The main issue on the table is still the pain and naturally, when I work these days, the pain and everything that it is connected to will emerge. Other issues from my lives will emerge too. As I am working with people, I find that this work that I do with myself makes me more open, more sensitive and more truly accepting. I am living my life purpose. I refuse to do anything that is not the most beautiful that I can. Even paperwork is beautiful if you handle it as if it is deep wonder that passes through your fingers.

And this is the best way for me to be free. I am free already when I live like this, because there is nothing that cannot turn into awe. Is there anything that I have to fight or struggle for?

I can stop part two here, as there is nowhere that I am going to. But I’ll leave it open. I do my work all the time, every day and everywhere I am. Maybe there will be something of interest that will show up in the process, and in this case I’ll come here and post it. Maybe there will be many things? Maybe a few?

I love you all deeply.

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64. Going in and in again

On August 19th I decided to do some work on becoming free of the pain. I wrote down in a goal statement way: I intend to have healthy feet that feel good.

As I was writing this I felt that there was some resistance to what I was writing. I asked myself: Can I imagine myself without the pain? I have had this pain, with many changes and variations, for some 21 years. It has become the way I know myself to be. I must be able to imagine myself without it, if I want it to change. I any case, writing the goal and feeling what stands in the way of change is a very good method to catch the resistances to change and of course to dissolve them afterwards.

I paid attention to the way I felt, the discomfort I had, when I wrote that I wanted to have healthy feet that feel good. What is going on there, I asked? And took the brush.

Here is the drawing that resulted.

The broken flow

The broken flow

This is the forth drawing with the same features and this time I started to investigate in a deeper way.

I collected words and passing thoughts from the drawing:

Cells

Wounded or hurting

Torn

Rotten

Exposed

A mixture of life and death

Areas of pain

I did not make a poem. Instead I asked myself a few questions:

Why don’t the healthy, growing cells, take over and close the gap?

What is in the harmed area? What is the thought behind it? 

To this question I had an immediate answer, intuitively, speaking as the voice of the growing parts: I want to connect, but it is painful. 

I looked again at the drawing and decided to ask: What is in the dead strand?

The dead strand is the places where the cells are blue. The blue cells feel the least alive of all the cells there, and I wondered what is causing them to be less alive. I could go to many other places in the drawing and ask many other questions. But this is a process of intuition, and therefore what felt right, I did.

Here is the drawing that came as an answer:

A strong idea separates the flow

A strong idea separates the flow

I looked at the composition:

The red part stands between two torn apart lines made of blue, purple and green. The red is not alone there. There is a yellow part that is kind of mixed with the red, but they are not really in harmony with each other. The red feels to me like a very individualistic creature, with its own pride and uniqueness. The yellow feels like light. So the uniqueness of the red does not harmonize with the light. This seems to be the core of the problem and the reason why the two torn apart sides cannot come together and be one. There is no peace in the middle.

This too, of course, happens a lot. Any thought-patterns that we have interfere with the light. We have to let go of habitual thought-patterns in order for the light to pass through our being without any conflict. This is how the space opens up for connection and flow. This is the process of surrender to the light.

So we have here the for the first time that the inner world, the world of thoughts, is found to have the same structure as the world of the pain, as you saw in the last drawing of the pain. I could have drawn the pain in many other ways, but it wanted to appear to me at this time in a shape that has something to do with its reason to be.

The next step was to go into the red and experience it for what it is. There was no point in going into the light. The light can only do good. The thing to let go of is where there are some strongly shaped ideas about the self, even if they are very colorful and interesting. All has to give way. The best way to do it is, as you know already, to let the light or intuition stream through the red.

This is the drawing that resulted:

The thought of not having

The power of the thought of not having

The writing happened spontaneously and without the need to collect words, scramble them and all the rest of the process.

And it is not enough

And it is not enough

Many, many

And it is not enough

All are closed for me.

Now I knew what it was. It was the feeling of deprivation due to the vow to be celibate that we have met before, in part one. The forfeiting of who I was, in order to become holy, by the definition of others. 

Remember folks. Even for the best of intentions, forfeiting who you are is not a good way to go. I dedicate this posting to every human being who had ever decided to judge herself by other people’s measure, and thus had closed her inner gate of intuition, or her inner guidance. 

And the whole process shows that an issue that felt as if it was done with can come back. It has many facets and it had been lived for many lifetimes, so there is a lot of hurting and ideas around it. 

And dealing with it this time ends relating to the time between the beginning of part two and now. I am free to be where I am now.

63. What is it that wants to be loved?

I remember another drawing from not so long ago that had some of the same characteristics that the drawing from post # 62 had. It had a different meaning, when I went-in-with-words, but I start to see that something is appearing in my drawings, which has not gotten all the attention it needs to get. It is always so. When you see some pictorial features repeated in different drawings, you know that something is waiting to get attention and be loved.

First I’ll show you the drawing I am talking about:

Coming to life

Coming to life

Then the words.It is not in the form of a poem this time. These are the thoughts that passed through my mind as soon as I finished the drawing:

As I was drawing I knew. This is the time I came from the womb, passing through the birth canal of my mother. I knew she relived the trauma as I was coming into life and I knew that I came to heal her through my own healing.

And here is another drawing. I did it when I waited for people to come to my open evening workshop about the use of intuition. I had pain and drew it.

Pain with a familiar structure

Pain with a familiar structure

In this drawing you can see that the same colors appear. There is some continuation of blue, green and brown that is broken by a red area. If not for the red area, the other colors would have become a continuous flow, maybe not a pleasant one, but a flow nevertheless. The red stops the flow by declaring something hot and different in the middle. In this case it is the pain. But why does it appear to say something similar to things that showed up in the other drawings? I did not write words for this one.

So what is it that shows up now and wants me to love it?

62. The angry cloud

I have been away for a few days.

Before we left, I did this drawing.

Angry cloud

Angry cloud

Maybe I did it in the small hours of the night. It is about pain. I still have the pain and it is in its worst power ever. I also have waves of numbing of the feet and the hands. After a night my feet and hands are numb. This recedes during the day and goes worse during the night. It is unexpected. You’d expect it to become better after you rest.

I had quite a number of grim drawings like this one lately and I come to realize that another memory is arising and coming into the light.

I wrote the words for this drawing only after we came back, and I already worked on some other drawings. I work on drawings all the time, even when I am away.

So here is what I see in this:

I see that there is a big cloud in the picture. I see that it is angry. It is not just raining as some clouds do, but it is raining angrily, as a punishment. It rains blood. But it has a little portion of green in it too, and the green feels to me like a promise that after you pay for your sins you can expect a little love.

I look at the ground and for me these are little people, afraid of the only “adult” presence, with the power of an angry god. They are simple and innocent, and they are trying to escape the red side and go to the green. I’m sure you can see this easily.

I remember, as I write this, that when I was a child, a rainy day would make me cry for no reason. There was a reason of course but I did not know it.

Basically the picture is about a belief that I have no power. There is a big god-like powerful being who has the power to punish and to give a little love. It is mostly angry and it rains on me with real rain and with blood. I do not want to be punished, but I believe that I have no power in the matter, so I just try to get away from the red and reach the green. It feels though that I do not even have enough power to do that.

 Isn’t this the pictures that we all have in our minds in some way, that we have no power, and that we have to follow the rules of some crazily angry being? If we manage to not be caught doing something wrong, we may get a little conditional love, if that powerful being will have a good moment and will bend in our direction so that we can reach the goodness?

For some of us the huge and powerful being is a parent. For others it may be the image of God? Maybe both? Maybe even a spiritual teacher can take on this image, because this is the only way we are used to see those who know, or who tell us what to do. Isn’t this the reason that so many of us have problems with authority?

The solution, of course, is to find all the love, recognition and encouragement that we need within us.

61. The letter in golden light

After the theoretical beginning, this will be the first step in part two.

It is early morning. I pull up the shades and look at the flower boxes, where I spread the seeds of wild flowers a few days ago and I am waiting to see them grow. I touch the earth with my finger and feel the love of the earth.

What am I doing with my life? is the question that goes through my head. I think I have two tracks. I go a little bit in one of them, then a little bit in the other and I do not get anywhere.

I meditate for a while.

Still with the sweetness of the sleep and the meditation I move through the apartment and do the morning things.

Then I sit at my table with the paints to have a morning consultation with intuition.

A strange drawing happens.

 

The golden letter in the sky

The golden letter in the sky

 

And then the poem.

On the wet rocks

He made the mystical move

To celebrate the passions.

He filled castles with hopes.

This was the struggling earth man.

While going to the citadel

Through melancholy lanes

He lifted his eyes to the sky

And saw the letter

In golden light.

Then the tears came.

He felt how everything he knew

Was fast fast going nowhere

And only the love remained

To fill the forest.

I’ll leave it at that. In the next entry or two I’ll bring in a few of the things that happened before this first step.

60. Healing and growth

Tree on unseen creek

Tree on unseen creek

In the first part I dealt with what we can call healing. We realize that we suffer and we find a way to lessen the suffering.

I showed you how you can heal yourself and others emotionally, using intuitive flow. I even said that you can heal physical problems, because all of them are results of emotional suffering. I haven’t finished proving it. I hope a proof will turn out while I am still at the blog endeavor.

Now I turn the light onto the other part of the method, which is growth. Growth is made of steps that lead to complete freedom from suffering.

The methods that lead to freedom come from two perspectives. One is the elimination of the issues that cause suffering, which is what the first part dealt with. It makes sense that if you eliminate all the causes for your suffering you will be free of suffering. But we have so many issues, that we do not have enough time in one lifetime to resolve all of them, if we do it one by one. If, on the other hand, we deal with the deepest layer, the core issues, it can go faster.

The second perspective is about ways to bring people to a realization of being much more than our bodies and minds. Once you find out the truth about yourself, you still have the issues that you did not resolve, but it becomes much easier to eliminate them quickly. You still have to do it.

I think that what is common to all the methods of supporting this realization is that they all ask us to behave and do things as if we already know that this is true. The sentence: “What we practice we become” is one way of saying it.

Sometimes when people are trained on their way to complete knowing of the truth, they use partial truth. For example, in the method called Silent Illumination, which is a Chinese Buddhist method, people are asked to become aware of their whole body at the same time, instead of being aware of one thing, which is the way we use our awareness when we think. This is a big shift in perspective, but still partial, because the truth is that we are indeed much more than our bodies. But once we make this step, we become more capable of making bigger steps afterwards. If we continue to meditate, the bigger steps can happen on their own.

In Dzogchen, which is one of the Tibetan meditation methods, we are asked to accept everything that we encounter. The method that I used for a year, of listening to sounds, is like a partial Dzogchen, because it asks you to accept all sounds. The Sedona Method teaches a method of accepting everything. Practicing in this way, we create a habit of acceptance and we behave as if we already know the truth of who we are, which, naturally, accepts everything.

In the “living with a question” method (called Hua-tou in the Chinese Buddhist Tradition), which I described before, we get used to question the reality of everything, until the sense of doubt becomes so strong, that we become less attached to our ideas about reality, and we start experiencing who we are, without these ideas.

So this is what I had inside..
So this is what I had inside..

The method of intuitive flow also has this characteristic of living now as if we already know the truth. When we become free we act intuitively. We know what to do without having to think about it. So when we use this method, in those moments that we use it, we live as if we are enlightened already. The habit grows and deepens and eventually it will be complete.

The nice thing about this method is that it also heals at the same time. Every time you sit to do the method, you have less stuff to entangle you. (The Sedona Method and the Release Technique do this too. Robert Sheinfeld also teaches a method that does this.)

In the first years when I introduced this method to people I mainly related it to the healing power that it had. People who use this method heal much faster than in many other psychotherapy methods. It is also a very thorough method because it deals with core issues all the time, and not with their derivatives.

So I will use this method to investigate the possibility of going free with it. I will use its healing aspect and its deepening aspect. Naturally, as I did before, everything that will show itself in the process will be processed in the best way I’ll find. Maybe I will end up dealing with abundance too. It is part of being free. The ability to have, if you want it, is freedom. The ability to be happy with whatever you have is freedom too. It is our natural state, they tell us. I’ll go about finding out if this is true.

I welcome you again to my adventure. When you come, don’t forget to bring your heart with you.

59. Part two: The call of the NOW

We are starting a new adventure.

I went to post this entry about a week ago but stopped when I discovered that suddenly I did not have the capacity to change fonts and sizes, which I had before. My investigation, which lasted all this time, concluded that this capability did not come from the blog program but from my Apple computer, and the last update of the Apple made this capability extinct. I am sure they did not mean it to happen.

I apologize for the small letters. I hope that due to my conversations with Apple technicians, the “bug” will be corrected and very soon I’ll be able to use bigger letters again.

Listening for the call

Listening for the call

The call of the now is the name of the second part of this blog. I thought of choosing to do the second part about abundance. Then I thought of making it deal with the feeling of want that I still experienced. The feeling resided in the upper chest and throat, went up to the jaw and to the back of the neck. This feeling left me for a while between the time of finishing the first part of the blog and just yesterday. During these days it was hard for me to want anything, because the motivations of the past did not have the allure that they had before.

When I looked at this experience of wanting, I realized that I did not even know what it was that I wanted. In order to look at it I needed to move out of it, so to speak, and gain a different perspective. At least this is what I thought. I sat for a while and listened to sounds. This was my meditation method for one year, in my first and second years of meditation. I still love it.

And suddenly I knew what was it that I wanted! The meditation method that came after listening to sounds was to live with a question. Living with a question for me meant wanting to know. And boy, did I want to know. This meditation method has brought me a lot of wonderful experiences and deep knowledge. I lived with the ability to melt everything I met in life into a question. Walls became porous. Trees became the bearers of wonderful stillness. People became transparent. I knew they were there only because they thought that they were. Behind their beliefs there was the same stillness that trees had. Feelings of mine and of others were felt like clouds of scent that hit me and I could know what they were. I suddenly found that I could assist healing from far. Everything changed. I stopped doing this meditation not because I did not like it, but because it made me sick. Living in a state of wanting is not healthy, even if the wanting is spiritual. Now I know that this was not a good way to meditate, and that there must be a better way to ask a question. I also know that there is no way for the spiritual to be wanting. But ten years of doing it had an effect. Put me in a quiet state and this wanting arises. Even, as in the following years I chose to meditate in a much calmer way, the wanting did not go away. I can even say that I have found many answers and the wanting is still with me. What a joke. I just learned to always want. My teacher told me one day that I never knew how to meditate properly, and I got really angry with him (which proves that he was right). But life is the best teacher, because when it insists, you cannot argue with it and life compelled me to change my approach because I could not go on as I did.

So now I know what is it that I wanted. I wanted to know the answer to my meditation question. This method was effective, but could not be sustained. Maybe this is the reason why I came up with the Intuitive Flow method. It is so soft and beautiful, and while it goes very deep you never get tense with it. You get calmer and calmer. Even if you are upset you become calm. This is what I needed.

 The call of the now is still being felt.

What is that now, which calls me? Why should I look for the now, while there is no other time ever? It is right here, isn’t it?

But it is not here in the usual way of seeing. Even the word now is an impossible term, as it relates to a tiny piece of time that keeps changing. By the time you finish thinking the word, the now is already a different now. There is no way to catch this now with a method that relies on time. The only way to experience it is by leaving the flow of time and becoming a witness of it. The flow of time is in our thinking only, so we have to leave thinking. Even the term intuitive flow does not make sense any more, if you want to find the now. Every word that we can utter seems to be wrong in this context. So we want to go beyond the words and this is the subject of part two.

Drawing in an intuitive flow and going-in-with-words is better than thinking because it comes from deeper than the thinking mind. It shows us what was the experience of now when the drawing was made, and then: what was the experience of seeing the drawing. But drawings are too things of this world. Drawings can only exist in the world of time and space. Can intuitive flow in drawing direct us to endlessness better than words? Can it direct us at all? This is the issue of part two.

I know when I have to put a posting on the blog. It is when, as I write, the words are snatched out of me in spite of my will, and I feel compelled to put them up. Then I have to follow what I say.


Award

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.