On August 19th I decided to do some work on becoming free of the pain. I wrote down in a goal statement way: I intend to have healthy feet that feel good.
As I was writing this I felt that there was some resistance to what I was writing. I asked myself: Can I imagine myself without the pain? I have had this pain, with many changes and variations, for some 21 years. It has become the way I know myself to be. I must be able to imagine myself without it, if I want it to change. I any case, writing the goal and feeling what stands in the way of change is a very good method to catch the resistances to change and of course to dissolve them afterwards.
I paid attention to the way I felt, the discomfort I had, when I wrote that I wanted to have healthy feet that feel good. What is going on there, I asked? And took the brush.
Here is the drawing that resulted.
This is the forth drawing with the same features and this time I started to investigate in a deeper way.
I collected words and passing thoughts from the drawing:
Wounded or hurting
A mixture of life and death
Areas of pain
I did not make a poem. Instead I asked myself a few questions:
Why don’t the healthy, growing cells, take over and close the gap?
What is in the harmed area? What is the thought behind it?
To this question I had an immediate answer, intuitively, speaking as the voice of the growing parts: I want to connect, but it is painful.
I looked again at the drawing and decided to ask: What is in the dead strand?
The dead strand is the places where the cells are blue. The blue cells feel the least alive of all the cells there, and I wondered what is causing them to be less alive. I could go to many other places in the drawing and ask many other questions. But this is a process of intuition, and therefore what felt right, I did.
Here is the drawing that came as an answer:
I looked at the composition:
The red part stands between two torn apart lines made of blue, purple and green. The red is not alone there. There is a yellow part that is kind of mixed with the red, but they are not really in harmony with each other. The red feels to me like a very individualistic creature, with its own pride and uniqueness. The yellow feels like light. So the uniqueness of the red does not harmonize with the light. This seems to be the core of the problem and the reason why the two torn apart sides cannot come together and be one. There is no peace in the middle.
This too, of course, happens a lot. Any thought-patterns that we have interfere with the light. We have to let go of habitual thought-patterns in order for the light to pass through our being without any conflict. This is how the space opens up for connection and flow. This is the process of surrender to the light.
So we have here the for the first time that the inner world, the world of thoughts, is found to have the same structure as the world of the pain, as you saw in the last drawing of the pain. I could have drawn the pain in many other ways, but it wanted to appear to me at this time in a shape that has something to do with its reason to be.
The next step was to go into the red and experience it for what it is. There was no point in going into the light. The light can only do good. The thing to let go of is where there are some strongly shaped ideas about the self, even if they are very colorful and interesting. All has to give way. The best way to do it is, as you know already, to let the light or intuition stream through the red.
This is the drawing that resulted:
The writing happened spontaneously and without the need to collect words, scramble them and all the rest of the process.
And it is not enough
And it is not enough
And it is not enough
All are closed for me.
Now I knew what it was. It was the feeling of deprivation due to the vow to be celibate that we have met before, in part one. The forfeiting of who I was, in order to become holy, by the definition of others.
Remember folks. Even for the best of intentions, forfeiting who you are is not a good way to go. I dedicate this posting to every human being who had ever decided to judge herself by other people’s measure, and thus had closed her inner gate of intuition, or her inner guidance.
And the whole process shows that an issue that felt as if it was done with can come back. It has many facets and it had been lived for many lifetimes, so there is a lot of hurting and ideas around it.
And dealing with it this time ends relating to the time between the beginning of part two and now. I am free to be where I am now.