Posts Tagged 'endless space'

206. So close to the truth

Everything that I used to see as concrete is turning into states of moving energy.

More and more subtle

More and more subtle

I haven’t written for the blog for quite a long time.

The reason is that I am changing and for a while I lost the clear feeling of direction. I would wake up every morning and ask: Where am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going? I’m still doing it.

When I started this blog I was interested in reading my subconscious. I wanted to find everything that stood in the way of the free flow of joy and I wanted to release its hold on the subconscious.

More specifically I wanted to find the thought patterns that created the damage to the nerves of my feet, as you could read in the “about” page.

I thought I had found everything. But the pain is still with me and I know that I am still missing something. Actually I know what I am missing. I need to be in such a sate in which agreeing to suffer is impossible. A state in which word stories are seen through and known to be the illusion that creates illusions.

Some things worked wonderfully. I found some programs in the subconscious that were surprising to me. Again and again I had confirmations to the validity and value of this method that I came up with. I learned to trust it more and more. I explained how the method works a number of times in the blog, and I have written about it more in my book Opening Intuitive Flow Through Artwork. And I wrote about it in different discussion forums. Working so intensely on myself, by using this method, has made me a better therapist. I had a supervision group of art therapists and they learned to use this method too. I did workshops and taught others how to use it. I presented it in conferences and in lectures.

When I decided to stop the public demonstration of the work on the pain, I continued to do the work. I knew that there would be many repetitions as this always happens, and I did not want to describe these in the blog.

But writing the entries to this blog became something that I liked a lot, and I decided to change the purpose of the process that I showed in the blog to seeing how far such work can take me.

I had many glimpses of peace and joy and you could read about them as they happened. After a while my whole perspective has changed. I lost interest in my subconscious blocks. They lost their charm for me. When they come I just release them. The ropes that I saw on my path, and thought that they were snakes, as the Buddhist story tells, turned back into ropes. I still find it interesting to help my clients read their subconscious and release whatever stops them from being free and joyful. But for myself, I am not attracted to these any more.

In time I came to live with another kind of energy. I found myself in awe as I came to be in the presence of infinite peaceful space. It became easier and easier to get there, and my main focus started to be the investigation of this space. Just being there makes you happy without any perceivable reason. I realize that this is what I have to do. I have to be in this presence again and again, as it fixes everything that needs fixing. My clients changed too and nowadays most of them go through experiences that are like mine. They discover their inner voice and inner guidance. They find joy and playfulness when the fears and worries leave them.

Doing this blog, as it follows my adventure of going into myself is still one of the most exciting things for me to do, and you are moving with me to wherever my front line is. I appreciate you very much for being with me on this trip, like old friends.

Some changes have already taken place naturally and I am going on. Please feel comfortable to communicate, if you are moved to do so. Good to have you. Thank you.

197. Seventy



One day before, according to the Gregorian calendar, I am 70.

A good friend asked me how does it feel, and I did not have anything special to say.

It feels like something lived in this body, that is never the same body, and this body is almost transparent, it is not real. It floats in endless space, which is full of life and interest. Things happened to it. There are many stories about it and they seem to be lined up in some complete version, but even in this version there are many parts that have been forgotten, or that have been told in different ways over the years.

More and more and more I want to feel the endless.

There is a source for all that is experienced now.

91. A cracked, unfinished line

The night before this one, when the pain came I released the fear, the tensions in the body, resulting from the pain and the expectations that it will come again, I released sadness and the madness that drives this pain, that something that motivates it to come. When I did all these, which took some time, the pain stopped and I fell asleep. This happened six or seven times during the night. Every time the pain woke me up I did not stay in a sleepy state, but woke myself up more, so I could do all these with fresh concentration. In all six or seven times it worked.

I was very tired all through the day after that night.

This night, when the pain increased I did it again, and this time, being so tired, it did not work. As I was releasing fear around midnight, the fear did not end. More of it came. I continued to release and more of it came. Several times during this process I felt the endless space in which everything happens, but the fear had more reserves and even more. After two hours the flow of fear felt as if it has gotten tired.

When I thought about all that came up in the last two days I thought that it felt like a trauma, with so many strong emotions mixed together and attached to each other in such a way that it makes it hard to simply release something and be in peace. You release one thing and the other is already there. You release that one and the former one comes back.

I got up from bed and went to draw. drawing always saves me from everything. I felt like a survivor of a natural disaster. My brush went to one of the dark blues and these shaken lines came onto the paper.



 I looked at different parts of the drawing and wrote the sentences that came to me. I scrambled them, added a few words and made small changes in other places. This is what was made:

I look at a broken fence

Among the torn trees

I pick up

A bent limb

And throw it at

A shattered rock

I turn around and leave the place

Walking on a shaken dirt road

Like a cracked, unfinished line

On a torn piece of a path.

It all felt horrible. But I was so moved by the surprising beauty that came up in this way that I felt satisfied and happy.

I still do.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.