Posts Tagged 'sadness'

233. How the “I” moves to a wider view


Being tired and in pain I became sad. Pain is a simple thing but living with it creates additional problems. Now all of them weighed on me. I thought: I can’t go on like this any more. I did not even paint yesterday and today.

My friend from Germany called. We started to talk and the phone line went dead.

I pulled a new piece of paper onto the table, dipped the brush into the water and into the first paint that my eyes saw in the watercolor box. It was olive green. This is how I choose the first color.

And then there was the drawing. No time. No pain. Brush, water, paint and the composition, the story with no words. The energy of the truth. Everything is good.

The olive green lines and the white of the paper are the best of friends. It is a holy connection. The lines, strikingly, appearing out of the white. The white does not have inside and outside. It is everywhere. It is all-there-is-everywhere. Even the word everywhere does not fit here. Is the green line real? And my eyes that see it: are they real? And my heart that has just become so full and so delighted, what about it?

(The other colors came later.)


Now in a different way:

Pain is part of the illusion of life, together with the body, with time, with good and bad.

The true self cannot have pain. Its essence is joy. Its essence is love and playing and being curious. The true self cannot be affected by the illusion.

For the “I” in the illusion pain is real and hard.

The good thing is that everything is connected. All I need to do is to change the way I focus and switch my identity to the true I.

Instead of focusing on the pain and automatically trying to escape it, to fight it, to prevent it, to change it, Instead of these, I find my curiosity and make the olive green lines. I find my playfulness and play with everything that shows itself. I look for the beauty in everything and find it easily. I look for my joy and it is right there. I am joyful. I look for my love and indeed what else do I have? This is how I start to identify with the true self.

And as I do this, I find that I have forgotten the pain. I don’t even feel it. Or if I do, it is not significant. I am in peace. The vibrations of the pain, the waves that streamed through the legs calm down. My hands that clutched one foot fall down, relaxed. The body rests. The energy of creation flows flawlessly everywhere it has to go. The body heals. The specific thinking processes that hold on to the body and its suffering become weaker. I am not so dependent on the body and the world around it. I witness them and I am free. In my mind I am already walking down to town, where the galleries are. I am going to see an exhibition. Right foot, left foot and I dance.


184. The final acceptance of everything

Beautiful despair

Beautiful despair

I am starting this project. The final acceptance of everything.

It will be like Dzogchen throutgh art.

And I start from this painting, which I did at night, around 1 am, with the experience of this strong and crazy pain that was sharper than the usual, to which I have gotten used already.

I prop the painting up against the basket with the pencils and brushes on my table and the light from above is good to it, emphasizing the texture of the canvas.

My general view is that there is the group of many colors, heavy on the upper right and after some space there is that brown branch, maybe falling away, overwhelmed by the weight of that group and even breaking down .

Then there are two penciled dry and sharp branches and something strange, also penciled on the upper left. And of course there are the shadows, the areas I painted with pencil.

What do these do to each other?

The big multi colored area seems to have a lot of sadness. All the shapes are sending fingers or hands to nowhere, searching for something they already know they won’t find. Presenting again and again the idea of I want but I know I can’t. This creates a very disquiet, nervous cloud. It is beautiful in its sadness. It becomes almost like a tapestry or a physical “thing” and it even has some shadows, to show that it is real, it is three dimensional, and you can touch it. These are thoughts becoming things. There are a few places where a few parts become messy, blending into each other uncontrollably, crying into each other.

The introduction of the penciled branches into this area introduces another distinction into the game, between more real and less real or maybe between soft and hard. The bareness of the penciled branches feels poor, hungry for love, hardened by hard life. It seems that the lower penciled branch supports the whole cloud on its back and keeps it from hitting the brown branch harder. That brown branch is losing in a way. It is falling down, broken, as if escaping the vengeance of the colorful cloud.

The only hope that this falling brown branch has is that it will find something good when it goes up along the left side of the painting, but the place it comes to is empty. There is only darkness there, a tear-drop and an empty shape.

So where is the power in this picture?

The power is in the observation, in the ability to see all of this so clearly with all of its complexity and simplicity. It is like a poem on despair.

In summary the picture says:

I’m searching. I know I’m not going to find. I am beautiful but sad. I am helped by dry and dead sticks, which are searching just like me. But they are already hardened by the experience of not finding and they do not even have hope. Some part of me is afraid of this despair. It is trying to escape, still hoping to find love and fulfillment, but we know already, looking at the picture, that there is none of these in it.

It is funny that what looks in superficial sight beautiful and maybe playful and colorful actually describes sadness and despair.

So was I desperate when I drew this?

No. I was shocked by the intensity and sharpness of the pain that made me jump out from bed and come here, to this table at night, I remember what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to disperse the confusion that I felt and the shock.

It did this to a degree. After that I slept.

The beauty was very important to me. Without feeling the beauty I would be dissatisfied and restless. What does it mean to me?

When a painting comes out beautiful (For me, as I experience it), I know I have connected to my larger aspect, the non physical part, the real, what we sometimes call “home”. Connecting with the real, all that is not real will start moving. Movement is life, is health, is hope, is everything good. This is the principle of all healing.

I have to give some background.

Everybody believes that what I have is a degenerative disease. People who have this don’t heal. They progressively (what an unfitting word) become more debilitated. Living in this environment, I totally believe that I am healing. Parts of my feet that were totally numb for maybe twenty years are hurting now. All through this healing process they kept hurting more and more. For everybody else this was a sign that things were getting worse. For me it is a sign that life is coming back to where it was blocked. I don’t know why I wanted my healing to hurt. But I know that like everything else, this too is a decision I made at some point. I spoke about this little kid a few entries ago and he may be the source of this idea.

When the pain became too hard for me to take, I looked for some medications and I thought about it as some aid to help me pass these last stages. I needed to sleep. But the medications started to have an effect on my alertness and sensitivity to the subtleties of my perceptions. This was too much for me to give up, and I let the medications go instead. My sharpness of sensitivity is back and I have to deal with the pain without the help of the meds. It will be through the acceptance of my response.

132. Not seeking any more

Joy is a dance

Joy is a dance

When the whispering pain

Is like burning

The dead leaves want to show you the way

But joy

In spite of fear

Is a dance

The flower of sadness

Is part

Of the tapestry of life

And like joy

It is busy holding hands

With truth.

Not seeking any more

For better air or light.

92. Triple whammy

I learn from different people how to manifest.

In order to manifest what you choose to manifest you need to have a good feeling associated with what you want, and you have to believe that it will happen and expect it. And more: you need to clear your subconscious from all the ideas that oppose what you want to manifest. How do you do it?

I am determined to find the way to manifest through my method. It makes sense. If my method is good at clearing habitual mental patterns and allowing intuition come in, to be the creator of my life instead of these patterns, then it must be good at manifesting.

So these are my thoughts now.

Maybe it is best to start with a drawing.

I need to know where I am now, meaning what is the picture in my subconscious? What is going on there?

I draw. You know already that I do not know what I am drawing when I draw. I just become attuned to my sense of beauty. That’s it. There was a point in the process of making this drawing when I thought that it was finished. But I felt the impulse to add more things tugging at me and I agreed to go along. I am glad I did. Sometimes you like the way things are already and do not want to change them, but you have to listen to your int.

There is a cloud above us

There is a cloud above us

Now came collecting thoughts about what I saw in the drawing, mixing them and making this poem by adding some words here and there to make everything work with some logic. The initial collection of sentences placed them already in an order that made sense. But I challenged myself to mix the sentences and not leave them as they were. It was too simple, and I wanted to play and have something unexpected.

So here it is:

As we long to the light

And to the place

Where there is wonderful clear air

We emanate pain and sadness

We hide behind these

With tales of wars and heroes

There is a cloud above us

Everybody says

As if we do not know

Shivering as we are

And being only humans

That there is more.

What do you do with this?

Basically you don’t have to do anything. But haven’t I decided to manifest?

What happened? I looked at my subconscious and found longing, pain and sadness. I also found that there is some knowing that there is more than what we see. Seeing the sad scene may have tipped my mood to sadness, if it was just looking. But it was not. It was looking while using the sense of beauty. This made a big difference. The details of what is there, at this moment, in my subconscious mind did not change but the way I looked at them found beauty in this scene. Finding beauty, I disentangled myself from the drama of wanting to experience the light and emanating sadness and pain. I became uninvolved with that. I found beauty.

If I could make war with the sadness and win, then go and bask in the light that I longed to have, it would be one kind of good feeling, one that is made of comparisons. It comes from the belief that one condition is better than the other, and therefore, I should fight the bad and get the good. The joy of victory is relative and does not build a foundation for happiness, because when the conditions change and sadness comes again, I am back in the same fight. Doesn’t it feel like the life that we all know?

But experiencing beauty is different. The deep, rich, subtle satisfaction of experiencing it, even though it makes less noise than a victory, is much more powerful. It is the joy of being who-you-are, trusting who-you-are and inviting it to manifest into the world.

In victory there is no harmony, because the “enemy” is not really conquered. It is hiding and getting ready to appear again and haunt you. In finding beauty there is no victory but fulfillment that is unattached to circumstances. It is in fact a release of yourself from the tyranny of the circumstances.

So how does this belong to manifesting?

People want to manifest different things. But if the things that they manifest do not belong to their purpose or the special, unique talent that they came to the world with, they will not be happy really. It will be more like a victory. It is possible to be a victor and bring something that one wants into the world of reality. But to be happy is something else.

So if the only way to be happy is to be authentic, then how does one become authentic? By disentangling from circumstances. When you do that, your truth comes in and activates you in the way that fulfills.

Then, you experience the joy of being fulfilled and being involved in doing what is your special talent, and because you experience it you believe it and expect it to happen again. And this is exactly why it will happen again. And here is your manifesting. You manage to bring into your experience what you really love doing.

It may not be what others think is good, but it is your special way to be fulfilled, the only one that can bring you lasting happiness.

So here is what I have just realized. When people go through healing by using  intuitive flow and their sense of beauty, they heal, they evolve by becoming less limited by what were their limiting beliefs and they manifest what they truly want.

It is a triple whammy.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.