77. Pain chronicles

It is the late evening of the first day in November.

Before I go to bed I draw the pain.

Pain before bedtime

Pain before bedtime

It is a night with many waking hours. The pain just does not respond to all my tricks and I do not fall asleep. I meditate so as to get into a state where the body relaxes completely. At least there will be some rest for the body. When the pain is so strong The body convulses. The thighs contract, the buttocks contracts, the area of the stomach contracts, the chest contracts and there is a push of energy up, that is blocked at the base of the throat. Who is doing it? Is it the body, naturally, not wanting to have this pain? Is it I, employing old, historical responses to not wanting pain? The nervous system quivers with no control, the legs shake. A lot is going on with the body and the mind, even thought there are hardly any words in the mind.

I start paying attention to one of the tensions and it calms down. I move to the next and this one calms down too. After I calm the whole body I leave the pain alone and sink into spaciousness. This is when I usually fall asleep. But this night I don’t. So I do the whole process again. Then again. I don’t know how many times. I am tired, but I do not feel bad. In fact I feel empowered. At 4:30 I am too awake. I go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of Ginger tea.

At 5 I do this drawing.

Connecting or disconnecting?

Connecting or disconnecting?

The paper is some rare French paper, which is sized heavily, and therefore does not absorb the water but let the pools stay wet until they dry as they are and all the pigments remain on the surface. Also, because the paper does not absorb the water and is quite textured, the lined become “eaten”, as if the space ate in tiny bites into the lines. This makes for “hungry” lines.

I lay the drawing on the table in front of me, still wet, and write what I observe.

The fire is underneath

Then there is space

Then comes a troubled collection of lines

That maybe is in the process

Of straightening out

Connecting with pieces on the left and the right

Or maybe disconnecting from them

To resolve itself

From being a bunch of conflicted forms

To become a feather in space

And then space itself.

Then I write in green what comes to me to say about every line.

The fire is underneath—this is the pain

Then there is space—created by observation

Then comes a troubled collection of lines—the embattled thought patterns of: Why? Don’t want it; it is too strong; I can learn to accept it; etc…

That maybe is in the process

Of straightening out– simplifying

Connecting with pieces on the left and the right—being a part of a bigger chain of connected events, enabling the deepening understanding of its origin.

Or maybe disconnecting from them—by living in the moment

To resolve itself—in the field of awareness

From being a bunch of conflicted forms

To become a feather in space—less overpowering, observable in peace

And then space itself.—to perfection, to freedom of choice.

Then I go to bed again, and after some periods of short sleep among long periods of shaking and tensing, followed by giving attention to all the tense places, all the painful places and to what is not the body but is.

At 6:40 I do another drawing of the pain.

Pain before breakfast

Pain before breakfast

And another one, where, after delineating where the pain is (the green marker lines with red in them), I start to play:

Playing with pain

Playing with pain

2 Responses to “77. Pain chronicles”

  1. 1 Mikek November 4, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Is it justified or just weakness if the pain isn’t physical? It seems to pale in comparison to yours.

    • 2 intuitiveflow8888 November 4, 2011 at 8:15 am

      Hi Mikek,
      Thank you for your response and question.
      Emotional pain is not weakness. It is, in the deepest way, a sign that you are not aligned with who you really are. Everybody is unique and has special gifts. By trusting what you feel is right for you, even if others think it is strange, you allow yourself to be who you truly are, and in this way you share your gifts with the world. This is the way to be happy and to live a fulfilling life.
      Many times we refuse our gifts because we think that others want us to be or behave in a different way, and we think that we need their approval in order to survive. This makes us suffer. Looked at from this angle, the suffering becomes your guide, telling you that you did not allow yourself to be authentic in something, so you can look for it and find it, and then be yourself. You can ask yourself: What is the gift in my emotional pain?
      Everybody teaches us to adapt ourselves to everyone else. But everybody who does this is unhappy. Look around at the people you know and you’ll see that they are not happy, if this is what they do. The really important thing is not to be like others but to be in harmony with your uniqueness.
      Sometimes emotional pain is temporary, and changes after some time, when the event that caused it dissolves into the past. But if the emotional pain stays and does not go, or if similar events keep coming into your life and make you suffer in the same way again and again, it may bring about physical ailment. It is not a good way to live. But it is not weakness. It is just not knowing how things work in our word.
      My physical pain is also the result of not agreeing with who I am. I let this disagreement last too long and it became Physical. It happens to all of us, and especially when we are very young, and accept so easily everything that the adults around us think and feel. Don’t blame yourself in any way. Just look for a better way to live, by trusting what you feel is true for you.

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My Pages

The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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