It is not it. It is what experiences it.
The pain continues to kill me.
I do not understand why. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.
I did everything I had to do.
I develop more and more depth in the meditation. Somehow I know that the clue is in that, in the ability to go deeper. I mean deeper than I had gone.
I know these states. I had been in them many times. It is time to do it again. I know that everything depends on this.
One morning I draw the struggle. There is the one who struggles and there are the things that stand in its way.
There is nothing wrong in this. It is only that I have been there so many times.
I do it again anyway. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.
I buy a new meditation aid. It is called Heart Wave. It was created by Paul Bauer. You can find him on the web. I listen to two of his and Susan, his partner’s talks. One thing sticks with me. The heart wave is what I call intuition. It means coming from the heart to everything that you do. Not doing from the thinking mind or the subconscious mind, but from the heart, meaning love. This is exactly what I do when I draw, based on the sense of beauty, kick-starting the flow of intuition. The flow of intuition is the heart wave. But one thing sticks out for me and it is what he calls the full spectrum of the heart-wave, which means the full spectrum of the emotions. When we allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come to us to the fullest degree, this is the full heart-wave, Paul says. And suddenly I have a fresh angle on what I already know. He talks about us limiting our heart-wave. Because of our traumas, big and small, we limit what we allow ourselves to feel. We do not want to be traumatized again. It is not new to me. I know that, but something in the different perspective, in seeing just feeling as the heart-wave and allowing it to be full, something in this is helpful to me. So we limit the heart-wave and hold fear, as the gate. And when we do that we bring about the experience of fear again to us. There is no escape from this.
I make sure I experience the full spectrum of my emotions in meditation, after this. Whatever comes or arises in me, I allow it to flourish to its full force. And suddenly I feel free for a short time. And when I get up from this meditation, the pain is gone for an hour.
I realize that when people draw intuitively and especially when we add to the drawing the going-in-with-words, this is one of the aspects of it: They come to experience the full spectrum of their feelings. There is no escape from this too. It simply happens through this work. Again I see the connection between my work and the work of the heart-wave. I feel very good.
Then suddenly my life partner wakes up in the morning with a huge upset, and when she pours her heart about it to me I am suddenly traumatized. I feel how a stone is created in my chest. For two days I have this stone in me. I can’t speak and I do not know what I want. But I am experienced and know what I have to do. I like the way Dain Heer (find him on the web) describes it in a video. There is that big thing in me suddenly, standing there in my chest and saying: I am not moving from here any more. Try to move me. And I say: Hi. I am here. It says: Don’t play these games with me. I am not moving. Forget about it. And I say: Hi, I am here.
This is all I have to do. In due time this thing melts. But it comes back. Do you know when it comes? When the pain attacks. So here I suddenly see the pattern of the staying power of the pain. It comes to me to provoke this feeling of being traumatized, because I have this feeling in me. If I have it, the universe gives it to me more. I call it the universe but it is not that. It is that vast emptiness from which every experience comes and into which it eventually goes. What we call awareness is experiencing from that perspective, experiencing very fully, but not being moved at all, accepting fully, and through this, allowing everything to change.
It is a strange thing indeed, if you think about it logically. It would seem that accepting, when looked at logically, perpetuates the phenomena that is being accepted. But in reality it does not work that way. If we accept an inner experience, it moves out of our system. This means that we become less burdened and more clear.
Now when I relate this to me I see that this feeling of being traumatized is my core issue. I had it in me in childhood already, even before everything had happened. When these traumas happened in childhood, they came to my experience as a result of me having had the feeling of being traumatized.
Is this feeling of being traumatized mine?
I have seen through this work of drawing and writing that I had some traumas in my previous lives indeed. But then, these traumas from the past had also come to my experience because I had the feeling of being traumatized in me already. And thinking about how did it all start, there is no escape again from realizing that at some point I got the feeling of being traumatized from someone else, just by experiencing what the other one felt and believing it was mine. This is an idea I have learned from Dain Heer and find it to be true. The feeling of being traumatized or the expectation of having trauma had become exacerbated along my history. In this life it was so strong that something dramatic had to happen to me, to match this strength of inner experience.
So now it has become clear. This strong habitual feeling of being traumatized is what brings me experiences of being traumatized. The pain is one of them. It stays because this feeling calls for some trauma. All those stories of past lives with all that had happened in them only show the fantastic ways in which this endless emptiness creates realities for me, based on a vibration that I keep.
This is how endlessness teaches us. It does not say that this is a right thing to do and that is a wrong thing to do. It says that when we do something we create a feeling in us, and that feeling will be responded to by the endless, by giving us more of the same thing. This is what the endless teaches. And through this teaching, again, we do not learn what is right and what is wrong. We learn that what happens to us comes from us and we have the power to change the inner feeling and the outer result. When we discover this we become free. This is what is helpful in learning to manifest, as people call it.
So this part of the blog veers now into the realm of manifesting, since there is no escape from this too. Having control of what we create as experiences for ourselves is part of our growth and development.
I welcome you to this adventure too.
To end, I’ll add a series of five drawings. I drew the stone in my chest as I felt it when it was not so strong any more, but still there, and then did it again and again, until there started to be a feeling of release, of a free flow and of joy. This is the best way I know to really look closely at any mind monster, while coming from love. And the monster does go. I stopped the process of drawing when I knew that the next one was going to be an empty page.