Two days come now, in which I struggle with a core issue. It is not important to know what the core issue is. I feel it strongly and I work with the feeling or the experience. I find that sometimes the issues are so complicated when they appear as stories, that it does not help at all to know what they are. Once you know one thing about the issue, it turns out it is not this but something else, and so it goes. Words are fishy, when you want them to describe something that does not want to be described. But if you work with the feeling or the experience in the body, these don’t lie, and the issue ends up changing without even knowing what it was. Eventually you may know what it was, when its end comes. Or you know that it was not so important anyway.
So how do I know it is a core issue?
It is an experience that I have had all my life. It has always been with me. If I sit quietly and let the words go wherever they go, when I do not use them to tell myself what I experience, I become somewhat more peaceful. Space opens up around me. Then I realize that I feel this pressure in my throat. It is as if something is pressing on my thyroid gland. There is nothing there, but I feel as if there is. Sometimes this comes together with another pressure from behind the neck. This area in my body has suffered a lot throughout life. Many years ago my thyroid gland stopped producing sufficient hormone for the body. A few years later I had cancer in that neighborhood. The cancer was taken away and the hormone is being supplemented. But the feeling of pressure is there. I have decided to get into the work of freeing my throat.
Before I start, I want to say what the fight is. Nobody is going to be killed. I turn the flow of intuition so that it goes through this place in the body, through the feeling and through everything that intuition finds relevant. It comes again and again, with another drawing and another drawing, until beauty appears. Until my heart melts when I see the drawing.
In the first day I did eight drawing, and in the last there was some relief. In the second day I did two and in the second drawing beauty appeared. I still feel the pressure there, so the fight has not ended.
Since this text is long already, I’ll include here only the first drawing, which started the series, and the words that came to help me experience it more. Here is the drawing:
I had an unsettled feeling when I woke up and I made this drawing to find out what was going on. I did not expect to feel this way. Here are the words:
The mustard warmth expands in the air
Soon it will touch the cold, organized jello
The sea moves, pretending to be quiet
The clouds attack
Causing casualties and blood
And all of this happens
In endless peace.
How does this relate to me, I asked?
This is me, I knew. It happens inside of me. I am the space in which this happens and everything in it.
It felt like a new front is coming and my operating paradigm is about to change. At least there is a struggle here. I had a feeling that sometimes change is only from one condition to another, and not so meaningful. I wanted to prevent this from happening and this is what drove me to direct my attention to this core issue.