I showed my life partner posting #34, “I am that.”
She had an operation on her eyes and it was hard for her to read, so she asked me to make the computer read it aloud. We like doing it sometimes. The computer spoke. Some of the sentences sounded not as they should have, but if you stuck to the words, you could get the story all right. When the computer voice finished reading, I looked at her.
She had tears in her eyes.
This was the most acknowledging gesture I cold ever have.
This froze me.
You see, when you are in the process of working on yourself, even tendencies that almost disappeared in the past, become magnified. There is still work to be done with them.
I drew this freeze.
Already as I drew I saw:
I saw the explosive arising of wanting to be loved mixed with loving back, based on having been truly listened to. This is everything in red.
Then I saw the blockage, in the green line that said: No, you are not giving love back because it is not true that you are loved and accepted. You have tons of memories to prove that it is not true.
Then I saw the stain on my life, the dark shape in the upper right side, which is the reason why a woman would not love me and accept who I am. Yes, What I wrote may be good, but there is that other part of me too, the part of what I did long, long ago, in some far away life.
Then I saw that after the blockage there was grey, more grey and more grey. And the grey was spotted with pain.
It was made clear to me, oh, so clear, that all of these are self-made. All the parts of this picture are in my own mind. They are nothing but pictures in my mind.
The key to understanding this is that even the longing to be loved is wrong. It is longing to be loved for safety and it is returning only a conditional love. If you understand me and support me, I’ll love you back. If you don’t, I’ll withhold my love. This is not the kind of love to dream about.
This is a core issue.