Archive for June, 2011



38. Conditional love

I showed my life partner posting #34, “I am that.”

She had an operation on her eyes and it was hard for her to read, so she asked me to make the computer read it aloud. We like doing it sometimes. The computer spoke. Some of the sentences sounded not as they should have, but if you stuck to the words, you could get the story all right. When the computer voice finished reading, I looked at her.

She had tears in her eyes.

This was the most acknowledging gesture I cold ever have.

This froze me.

You see, when you are in the process of working on yourself, even tendencies that almost disappeared in the past, become magnified. There is still work to be done with them.

I drew this freeze.

 

Blocked love

Blocked love

Already as I drew I saw:

I saw the explosive arising of wanting to be loved mixed with loving back, based on having been truly listened to. This is everything in red.

Then I saw the blockage, in the green line that said: No, you are not giving love back because it is not true that you are loved and accepted. You have tons of memories to prove that it is not true.

Then I saw the stain on my life, the dark shape in the upper right side, which is the reason why a woman would not love me and accept who I am. Yes, What I wrote may be good, but there is that other part of me too, the part of what I did long, long ago, in some far away life.

Then I saw that after the blockage there was grey, more grey and more grey. And the grey was spotted with pain.

It was made clear to me, oh, so clear, that all of these are self-made. All the parts of this picture are in my own mind. They are nothing but pictures in my mind. 

The key to understanding this is that even the longing to be loved is wrong. It is longing to be loved for safety and it is returning only a conditional love. If you understand me and support me, I’ll love you back. If you don’t, I’ll withhold my love. This is not the kind of love to dream about.

This is a core issue.

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37. The baby with the embryo of good things to come

Same day as the last post, later, I sit in a dark corner of The Hungarian Pastry Shop. It is a street cleaning day. My car is double parked nearby and I am waiting for the right time to drive it back to my street and park it there. I need to make some money fast and decide to ask my intuition what to do about it. I have my markers and pencils with me. Because of the darkness I don’t even see the yellow when I paint it in. I just know it is there, and that my intuition asked me to put it there. Now in the post I see that the yellow has turned into ochre. You can imagine yellow.

A baby in a busy street
A baby in a busy street

 Here are the words that come:

 

It is dense here

And busy

People are making swift moves

To grab at where the action is

And one of them

Is feeling like a baby

Playing and being protected

The sun is shining everywhere

And trees are growing

Everybody runs for something

But the baby has a vision

And is calm

He holds the embryo

Of good things to come.

36. Upgrades for the operating system of my mind

I tune in to my emotions when the pain just doesn’t stop at night. I stay with them and find that there is some pressure in my throat. It is as if someone is pressing on my thyroid gland. I remember that I basically always feel this pressure. But it becomes emphasized when I struggle with the pain. Looked at from another angle, it is possible to say: The pain is here to impress this experience of the pressured thyroid on me, so I can become aware of it more than usually, so I can deal with it.

This is a core issue. 

It seems that 4 AM is the time for discoveries for me. I did this drawing at another one of those 4 AM’s. 

Long, long ago

Long, long ago

Going-in-with-words brought this:

 

What do you want

My friend,

Being afraid and turning away?

It does not stink here any more.

The sprayed red is old.

Stop shaking.

Look at the stars

Flying by.

You are soaked with old blood.

Let the soft fog

Comfort you.

You don’t have

To shamefully recoil

Any more.

I can see how you

Want to hold on

To something true.

You are shocked,

You think that you cannot grow

And want

To escape. 

 

This speaks about an old shock, and it also says what so many healers have told me before: This was long ago. It was horrible, but you do not have to carry this with you any more. It is time to let go of this horror and be free to grow now.

The difference between this time and the other times, when the healers said this to me, is that this time it is my intuition that speaks. When my intuition speaks, changes are made in my subconscious mind. My automatic underground machine of reactions to life’s events is being changed into a more forgiving one.

35. Fooling around with pain

Old pain picture

Old pain picture

 I lie down to sleep and the pain increases. It cannot be ignored and it is impossible to sleep. What can I do now? Every night and every day I ask this question numerous times. There are several things that I can do. There are many actually, but for whatever reason I prefer one of the following possibilities nowadays: 

I can support the pain to make it stronger. I learned this from Lester Levenson, who was a spiritual master. He was dead when I learned it, but one of his books or recordings taught me. Supporting the pain breaks the habit of fighting with it. Fighting never works. It only cerates blockages. When I support the pain, in the night or the day, it gets stronger. I continue to support, and at some point it subsides. When it happens at night I fall asleep and do not even remember how it ended. During the day this approach enables me to do things that increase the pain, like walking and standing. If the pain goes up, I support it even more. I feel that when I do this supporting, the nerves grow into the muscles again and toward the edges of the skin and I start to have more feeling in the skin. Do you know how strange it is to feel the pent sleeve cloth on my calves? 

The second thing is to imagine that my aura grows and grows until it fills the room or the house or the neighborhood, and even, sometimes, encompasses the whole earth. Then I become this aura and experience being that. This puts me into a deeper state, or deeper energy, which is always healing. In most of the times when I do this, during the night or the day, suddenly I become totally relaxed and the pain magically stops. I learned this method from Joshua Bloom, who is an energy healer. He adds more things to do in this state, which help even more, but I always look for the simplest ways.

 The third way is to listen to the emotions when there is pain. The body rejects the pain, but this is an automatic reaction that does not help, because, again, this is a fighting that creates a blockage. I know what you may think: But if I put my hand to the fire, isn’t it good that the pain comes and this automatic reaction causes me to pull my hand back? Yes. It is good. But when you have pain that does not stop, and you cannot pull yourself out from the painful situation, this reaction does not help any more. When I look at the emotions I find fear of the pain; frustration that it is still with me; sadness, as if I did something to deserve this; remorse; wanting help and more. I find the strongest emotional reaction to the pain and concentrate on it. My favorite way to concentrate on an emotion is to find where it is located and create an imagined bubble around it. This bubble, again, is a deeper energy sphere. It allows the emotion to be and to change, of its own accord, just as a child, crying with pain, relaxes when he knows that he is being loved. If I stay long enough with the bubble around the emotion, the emotion disappears. At some point in this process I forget the pain or feel it as a secondary occurrence somewhere, and many times it subsides and I fall asleep, or if it is during the day, I just do what I want to do.

So here you have three ways of dealing with the pain without drawing. Drawing with intuitive flow still remains, in my mind, the strongest and the most beautiful way to accept fully, and at the same time to allow the wonderful wave of wisdom and love, that I call intuition, to wash through everything in your being, including the pain, and change everything. 

What is of interest for me today is the third method, with the emotions, because this is a way, as I have seen, to find the core issue or issues of your life.

Since this writing is already long, I’ll stop here and continue in the next posting.

34. I am that

This is what starts to develop. Every time I feel I need clarity, I go to the paint-box, dip my brush in water and tune in to the innermost me. I don’t know what will come from there, but what comes is always a blessing. Sometimes it tells me what to work on and release. At other times it tells me what is going on in my subconscious, so I know where I am. Many times it is very comforting. It can say: You’re OK. You are in the right direction. It can say: look at this blockage. It needs your attention. It never lies. And slowly I start developing a huge trust and love toward that thing that appears through my listening to intuition. It becomes the best friend, the most loyal, and the one who always, with no fail, gives me the most loving gifts. And as I act on its guidance, my actions in the world become wiser and more loving too. And one day I look back at what I’ve been doing for a while and this time it seems to have been me. I did these things. If you ask me what I believe in, what I stand for, here you have it. Look at what I’ve done. This is when I realize that my intuition is me too. Only it is the deeper and wiser part of me, the part that cannot be measured or proven, but boy, with it I am happy. Without it I am miserable.

This is also when I realize that I have in me, in the bigger, wiser me, all the love I ever could wish for, all the safety I could ever want to have and the fulfillment that is every person’s inborn right. And yes, one day I realize that this immeasurable thing that I cannot know unless I let it act in the world, this is the true me. I am that. I am what is unknown to the thinking mind, but knows so surely and so steadily what to do in every moment.

33. The habit goes and love remains

I am working on the book for an evening and a day and know that I have finished all the text. Now starts the process of bringing all the parts into one continuous file, with all the pictures in place and editing, editing, editing. Then: the publishing. It is a book about this method that I use here on myself. It is a good feeling to know that a big step was done.

I am still in the mood of the last page, in which I show how to find your core issue in a few minutes. I did not know I knew how to do it so clearly. But when you put yourself in a flow things come to you that you did not know you knew. This is how who-you-are unfolds, through action.

This exercise is connected to staying is direct experience, when you let everything happen without the words to explain or relate to it. The core issue emerges on its own trough the body.

And suddenly I feel like drawing.

Repose

Repose

 

And this drawing is so out of the direction I was going towards. It is calm. Here is a sense of repose. Things happen but they do not interfere with each other. Nothing stirs disturbance. It surprises me. I can see that what I have just written is in the picture, but I feel not satisfied. I want to sink into things I do not know. I decide to look at individual shapes and write down what every one of them wants.

I scramble the wants pretty hard. Then the poem almost writes itself.

 

He plans

To cool the earth

While his baby wants

To knock Mommy down

He wants to flow

But his wife says

To wait and see

He has been practicing

To let be

But ended up

Flying quietly

And sharply poking people

In their hearts

His children want to play

To dream

And to wait for supper

And nobody wants

To be automated

As we are.

 

Let’s look at the words.

“He plans to cool the earth”

You know that things are not good. You know we have to do something about it. The best that one can do is to be himself/herself, meaning, to allow who-he-is come through his actions. We all need each other as we truly are. 

“His baby wants to knock Mommy down”

This brings up the memory of myself at age three, wanting to have my mother as a lover. Something about it has remained with me as a disturbing feeling. If I go into it in my imagination for a second, it goes into all that I have written in previous entries. 

“He wants to flow but his wife says wait and see”

This is about having given up so many times in my life on what was truly my truth wanting to flow, so that I could secure, so I thought, the love of my mother or wife. What a mistake to make. So I tell myself right now that I forgive myself for having made this mistake so many times. 

Both first parts together mean, for me, that the discomfort and the longing to be loved hold me back from venturing as myself into the world. 

“Practicing to let be” is nothing but taking the words away from experiences and sinking into a quiet state, in which all the multitude of things happen, and non of them disturb the other. 

“Sharply poking people in their hearts,”

has to do with pride. When I get into a giving mode, when I get into the flow of teaching or doing therapy, or I can say, when I get into the flow of who-I-am coming into the world and interacting in the world, people are sometimes being moved to tears. It really touched their hearts (and mine). They discover that they have love in them and something melts away. It is a relief. It is a blessing. But in me there is still the part that wants to be recognized, accepted, appreciated, by whom? By Mommy. Maybe she will love me now? This part feels pride. So right now, because I don’t want to let go of an opportunity, I say OK to the pride and accept it as something that happens. Then I feel the heartache of wanting to be loved, and I say OK to that too. This one has two sides. One side wants to be loved, and it wants that so badly, because it feels it has not been loved. So, naturally, the second side is: But you won’t. That’s an energy blockage. In my imagination, right now, I bring a lot of love from within myself and this love washes this suffering away.

 The rest of the poem is to say that all the suffering is automated behavior. This is the truth, folks. The searching for love that was not given is a habit, residing in the subconscious. After being activated enough times at some point in my life, it became a habit. The subconscious learned it and now does it on its own, without me knowing that it does, except that I feel lack all the time. Doing intuitive flow drawing can bring me to see that habit clearly, when it is time for it to show up. And the mere fact of being in that state of intuitive flow is like washing this habit with love, until it goes and love remains.

One more thing that I learn is that when I am in repose, even things that contain the seeds of disturbance don’t disturb. They seem to be perfect happenings, that had to happen just as they did, with all the other things that happen.

32. Morning conversation with inner guidance

Invitation for the workshop sent; people were interested; two days of organization, to finally find the best day and time for the workshop; calling places that rent out rooms for events like this, deciding on one not because it is cheaper, but because it can give me the room sooner, and when I ask my inner self what is more important it says sooner.

Now the registration has started and I am waiting for people to email me.

I see that the project is being supported by the universe. It is good. It is a good feeling to know that I am, somehow, integrated in the process of growth that is beyond me, and so beautiful. 

There is still a “me” that feels good now. I let this go and stay in peace for a while. 

When I wake up in the morning I am confused again. I can’t shake some feeling of having been so close to horror. Yesterday I had a session in which I felt so close to horror. I had to feel it, so I could navigate the session in ways that bring love into the experience. When the patient left, even thought I could see some change in her, and even though I made sure to disconnect energetically, the experience of being so close to such a struggle somehow stayed with me. Something about it belonged to me too, and I was stirred. 

I put my brush to paint.

 

Explosive growth on weak legs

Explosive growth on weak legs

 This is what comes to me when I look at it:

There is a lot of struggling in the lower part. There is a tremendous growth in the middle and upper parts. This growth breaks some pieces of blue and they just fly away in all directions. 

In a second look I see that the parts of the brown in the lower part of the picture are weak. They become transparent and almost not there. Now think about all this growth standing on such a weak foundation.

Then I see that the blue in the lower part came to help the brown to have something stable to stand on. Do you see that? That same blue is broken to pieces and expelled in the upper part. To me this tells the story of relying on something that is not totally healthy for me in the beginning, and later on, after realizing that it is not healthy, I kick it away from me. But if I throw out all the blue in the picture, what is left? The weak brown foundation. This tremendous explosion of growth cannot stand on such weak feet. 

It comes to me to go down to the lower part of the picture and learn more about it. Maybe I can fix it into what is best for it to be? And the best way for me to learn what to do is to let intuition do it. So I make another drawing, intending it to clarify for me what has to be done there.

 

Trust the yellow

Trust the yellow

First I do the red. It is, as I feel it when I draw, the willing and thinking around this issue. As I draw, I remember that I have to make sure to build a good foundation, but miraculously my hand refuses to do it, so the red remains weak in the lower part of the picture. You don’t see it now, but there was even a break in the connection of the foundation to the body.

It comes to me to use the deep yellow now. For the deep yellow it is not a problem at all to go all the way down and all the way up. This is what I find out when I do the yellow. As I do the yellow I know in myself that the yellow is the spiritual light. I can see how it so easily goes everywhere. This should be my foundation. The red, and the brown in the previous drawings, are the manifested reality, including the thinking mind. The manifested reality and the mind always come from the mind itself. So the mind takes over the direction of creation and pushes it according to its ideals. But it looses touch with the spiritual underlying, all encompassing reality. It deviates and makes its imagination into the life that is being lived.

Then there is the green, which comes after the yellow. For me it feels like the way the earth supports the body, so that the body can discover spirit.

The yellow and the green tell me: Put all your trust in the spirit, and enjoy the support that the earth is giving your body. Make sure you eat well.

You can see how full of effort is the red part and how easily flowing are the yellow and the green. Running your life from thinking is always hard.

The red looks strong and impressive but the yellow and the green have the real power.

So here you have it, my morning conversation with inner guidance.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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