Things are cooking. I wrote that I wanted to investigate the shapes that seemed to be similar in the two drawings of the pain, done with markers and color pencils.
I thought about this several times, and the pain that was relentless called my attention in a stronger way than my intent. But having thought about it and feeling that this was a good thing to do, made it into an intention. And everything that started happening, I feel, had to do with this intention. I am going into these shapes, even without specifically doing it. Just intending makes it happen.
Yesterday night I was about to listen to a blessing. There is an Indian master (named Trivedi), who has good energy, which he can send to people, and the energy makes their connection to their inner guidance stronger. This is the blessing. I wanted to experience this.
I had fifteen minutes to wait and I made this drawing.
When I drew it I felt that it had to do with violating a woman. In this life I did not violate anybody. But I had a feeling many times, especially when I went to long term meditations and became connected to different deep states, that I did violate a woman or women in previous lives. It felt terrible. I was shocked by what I thought I did. It felt unforgivable. Nowadays I do a lot of work with women who were abused in childhood and I get to see how much suffering is in it, and how the strong mental programs that abuse makes us create in our minds, keep the same kind of horrible events happening again and again, and stand in the way of the possibility of relief. This is true for both sides, the abused and the abuser.
Soon after the blessing, a lot of financial matters came up and I had to discuss financial difficulties. And after I slept for two hours the pain came and tortured me for many hours. I paid attention to my feelings. Waves after waves they came from so far away. Anger at myself, fear of punishment, guilt and shame, shock about: how could I do it?! They were not strong. I really had to be in a very subtle listening mode to feel them. I meditated with every one of them, staying with it patiently until it changed into the next one, and then I stayed with the other feeling.
It seems that four is my hour to get up and do a drawing these days. I did this one,
and this time I knew that it was about a terrible, bloody abuse and it felt as if I did it in some long, long ago lifetime. I never felt it so clear before.
I decided to draw again, and let my intuition and sense of beauty lead me. The drawing that resulted was a landscape, as you see.
It feels barren, though there are a few trees there and some green far in the imagined space of the picture. It also feels as if everything moves, almost as if the land is water really. And the feeling that I had was about life on earth, that keeps changing, and is bound to lead to suffering, to intensify issues that we do not resolve, and to entrap us in this endless cycle of going up and down, up and down with our luck.
How do you come out of it?
Can’t I forgive who I was for doing those terrible things, out of fear, out of not knowing how things work in this world, not understanding that life on earth is a school, in which we get to become free by releasing the hold of mind programs on what we think is us? Can’t I just forgive? I have suffered enough. And I could. I saw myself as someone else, and hugged this terrified fellow, to let him know that he is loved, and of course he is forgiven, and he is myself. But those feelings of horror still came back for hours and I allowed all of them to be.
Even though the pain continued, I was concentrated on the emotions and did not feel much of the pain, and when I stopped, I saw that the pain subsided. I also knew that I had let go of a lot of emotional suffering.
All this happened even without drawing or going into the shapes around the pain in those mentioned drawings. The intention to go there made all these things happen for me, to support my work. But without doing the drawings and checking in with my subconscious every day, this would not have happened. So I can still say that the method of intuitive flow is my grounding method and the way I know where I am and what is happening in me. It is my path.