33. The habit goes and love remains

I am working on the book for an evening and a day and know that I have finished all the text. Now starts the process of bringing all the parts into one continuous file, with all the pictures in place and editing, editing, editing. Then: the publishing. It is a book about this method that I use here on myself. It is a good feeling to know that a big step was done.

I am still in the mood of the last page, in which I show how to find your core issue in a few minutes. I did not know I knew how to do it so clearly. But when you put yourself in a flow things come to you that you did not know you knew. This is how who-you-are unfolds, through action.

This exercise is connected to staying is direct experience, when you let everything happen without the words to explain or relate to it. The core issue emerges on its own trough the body.

And suddenly I feel like drawing.

Repose

Repose

 

And this drawing is so out of the direction I was going towards. It is calm. Here is a sense of repose. Things happen but they do not interfere with each other. Nothing stirs disturbance. It surprises me. I can see that what I have just written is in the picture, but I feel not satisfied. I want to sink into things I do not know. I decide to look at individual shapes and write down what every one of them wants.

I scramble the wants pretty hard. Then the poem almost writes itself.

 

He plans

To cool the earth

While his baby wants

To knock Mommy down

He wants to flow

But his wife says

To wait and see

He has been practicing

To let be

But ended up

Flying quietly

And sharply poking people

In their hearts

His children want to play

To dream

And to wait for supper

And nobody wants

To be automated

As we are.

 

Let’s look at the words.

“He plans to cool the earth”

You know that things are not good. You know we have to do something about it. The best that one can do is to be himself/herself, meaning, to allow who-he-is come through his actions. We all need each other as we truly are. 

“His baby wants to knock Mommy down”

This brings up the memory of myself at age three, wanting to have my mother as a lover. Something about it has remained with me as a disturbing feeling. If I go into it in my imagination for a second, it goes into all that I have written in previous entries. 

“He wants to flow but his wife says wait and see”

This is about having given up so many times in my life on what was truly my truth wanting to flow, so that I could secure, so I thought, the love of my mother or wife. What a mistake to make. So I tell myself right now that I forgive myself for having made this mistake so many times. 

Both first parts together mean, for me, that the discomfort and the longing to be loved hold me back from venturing as myself into the world. 

“Practicing to let be” is nothing but taking the words away from experiences and sinking into a quiet state, in which all the multitude of things happen, and non of them disturb the other. 

“Sharply poking people in their hearts,”

has to do with pride. When I get into a giving mode, when I get into the flow of teaching or doing therapy, or I can say, when I get into the flow of who-I-am coming into the world and interacting in the world, people are sometimes being moved to tears. It really touched their hearts (and mine). They discover that they have love in them and something melts away. It is a relief. It is a blessing. But in me there is still the part that wants to be recognized, accepted, appreciated, by whom? By Mommy. Maybe she will love me now? This part feels pride. So right now, because I don’t want to let go of an opportunity, I say OK to the pride and accept it as something that happens. Then I feel the heartache of wanting to be loved, and I say OK to that too. This one has two sides. One side wants to be loved, and it wants that so badly, because it feels it has not been loved. So, naturally, the second side is: But you won’t. That’s an energy blockage. In my imagination, right now, I bring a lot of love from within myself and this love washes this suffering away.

 The rest of the poem is to say that all the suffering is automated behavior. This is the truth, folks. The searching for love that was not given is a habit, residing in the subconscious. After being activated enough times at some point in my life, it became a habit. The subconscious learned it and now does it on its own, without me knowing that it does, except that I feel lack all the time. Doing intuitive flow drawing can bring me to see that habit clearly, when it is time for it to show up. And the mere fact of being in that state of intuitive flow is like washing this habit with love, until it goes and love remains.

One more thing that I learn is that when I am in repose, even things that contain the seeds of disturbance don’t disturb. They seem to be perfect happenings, that had to happen just as they did, with all the other things that happen.

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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