We are visiting our grandchild, Luca, for two days. He is eight weeks old and very sweet.
The pain prevents me from walking, when everybody walks on the beach. I do some drawings while there. One of them seems more significant:
Here is a daring muscle
Pushing something away
But that thing says
You don’t want to go there.
A bat flies very close suddenly
He has just swallowed something
And as he leaves
I am alone again
With a forced smile
I remember from my training
To aim and block at the same time
The night grows dark violet
And as in all nights
My throat feels stretched.
As soon as I finish I jot down fast:
The muscle is me.
The no is about sex.
The bat is those for whom there is no “no.”
Forced smile is pretending everything is OK.
Block and aim is a feeling of a need for protection.
The throat thing is still there.
This is one thing.
The second is the pain, which is becoming stronger and more insistent. At night, when the pain increases, and my whole body shakes and becomes tense, I tell myself: Go deeper, go deeper. Then I imagine growing my aura more and more, and I start feeling that I am the aura. I start seeing things in the environment and then farther and farther away. When I identify with the aura even more, the body relaxes suddenly and becomes loose.
When I stay in this state longer, I start seeing that in my imagination the environment that I see changes from beautiful and pleasant to horrible, then back to beautiful and so on, back and forth.
Sometimes I draw the pain during the day. I’ll show you two series. In the first of the two, I just drew the pain, it kept changing, and in the last drawing the dark figures appeared again, as in postings #26 and #28.
In the second series I painted the nerves. I’ll say more when I show the pictures.
These are the things to dive into now: The neck thing, the figures that appear in the background of the pain and the nerves.
I’ll show the two pain related series in the next two postings.