25. Big day today

I felt the need to draw in the morning. I still need to do it in most mornings to see where I am. This is what I drew.

 

Hey, baby

Hey, baby

 

And this is what came from Going-in-with-words. 

 

Baby,

Keep the world in you

Even if you are falling, falling

The world is playful

Even with all the soft and hanging things

The crazy earth is saying

Come and play

Let the soft things push against you

A cloud floating in the air

Will rain

And make a puddle.

Let it be. 

 

This is a strange text. I did not think much about it except for having the sense of accepting all the experiences of the flesh, agreeing that they be in my life and play. It all belongs to the earth and we are earth too. It’s a game. 

Then I knew, as my plans for the day indicated, it was time for me to send out invitations for a workshop. I have come up with this fantastic method that really works wonders. You can even use it on yourself. It can lead you from where you are to freedom, all based on your sense of beauty and trust in your intuition. It is a wonderful thing to do, and yet I have hesitated for a very long time before I decided to teach what I know. Now I had the text for the invitation to the workshop and I felt fear again.

The first thought that came to me was: I’ll do EFT on it and release the fear. I know it works and people have told success stories about using EFT for everything. But then I thought: I have a good method too. I want to go through my sense of beauty and the connection that I have with intuition. And I sat down again to do another drawing. Here it is. 

Moving from fear to a higher energy

Moving from fear to a higher energy

 

Then I went-in-with-words: 

 

Going up with huge effort

Struggling

Hurting

Afraid to open up

This is heavy energy.

Once you jump out of it and start walking

The flow starts too

Energies join you from everywhere

Some come from suffering

Some come from love and growth

And before you know it

There is a current. 

 

No doubt this drawing and these words encourage me to dare, in spite of my fear. To choose to identify myself with higher energy, come out into the world and give the gifts that I had been given. I remembered times in the past when I did things like this, and there are quite a few of them. I have done it before. So many times I stared something from nothing and made it into something that works. I did many of these: All the children’s books that I wrote and illustrated; all the presentations that I built, illustrated, travelled to far away places and presented; all the workshops that I came up with that started from an idea and ended up moving people to tears. All my life is a collection of such things. Yet I still fear now, before I invite people to learn this wonderful method. 

I wondered about it. My memory went back to the previous drawing with its writing, where there is a strong attachment to physical touching and suddenly it all came together. It was the word: “baby” that gave me the clue. and also the sense of transparency or a different energy in the second drawing, in the place where things start to flow. 

I realized that this longing for physical touch comes from lack of physical touching when I was a baby. Babies need to be held a lot. As much as they feel that they want it. And this continues into childhood too. You need to experience being held lovingly, which is like saying without words: No mater what you do I love you as you are now. For many parents it comes naturally to give it to their children.

I did not have much of this in my childhood. My father died in a war when I was three and a half. My mom lived with fear and discomfort about physical touching. I remember her resenting being touched by me. When I saw pictures of my elder brother being hugged by my father I felt envious. The feeling of not being safe, of being too afraid to stand up in the world and be who I am, as I am, comes from this lack of love given through hugging. Together with this lack comes the feeling of not deserving the good life of being loved and safe.

And suddenly I knew something else too. I knew how much longing to being held I still carried with me now.

This is a strange thing, folks, but it is true. The things that are the hardest for us to give up are those that we never had. Those things that we wanted or maybe needed so badly and never had, these are the things that we carry with us forever as lack, as the reason to feel unsafe and as an unbearable longing. So not wanting to give up the hope of being hugged, is like attaching my hopes and dreams to the physical world. This is attaching strongly to the lowest energy, the one that has become physical. And here is the wonderful understanding that came to me now: The pain is another thing that keeps me attached to the physical world. The pain is a safety measure, based on beliefs that I held in the subconscious. If I lose the pain, I lose my attachment to the body and the hope to be hugged and feel safe through the physical world. The subconscious insisted on keeping the pain, to keep my hope alive. It does not make sense if you think about it logically, but the subconscious is not logical. The pain keeps me attached to the physical world, because the physical world may hug me one day. And so many confirmations to this are flooding my mind now. So you can call it an AHA moment.

All this came through Intuitive Flow, folks. Do you see the softness, the beauty and the power of this method? You do not need an axe to break an old habitual pattern in the subconscious. You need an intuitive drawing.

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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