18. Enticed, unloved and confused.

The deer

On the snow covered

Mountains

Knows

That autumn is near

From the echo

Of his

Own voice.

 

This is the picture for this post.

It is a free translation from Hebrew of a haiku by Leah Goldberg, an Israeli poet. She is not alive any more.

I just remembered it.

I know we are heading into summer. But I felt like this deer on the top of a desolate mountain, when I was in the gap.

I’ll tell you what happened in the gap time.

I had a sexual storm.

I felt the urge to have sex. With it came a lot of guilt, shame and fear. Since I am dealing with it now, everything appeared strong and clear. I made many drawings and wrote many poems. Some were the most pornographic things I have ever dared to write. Some were so sad that I cried. I looked at all of that and saw that there was no love in it. There was the pain of the lack of love.

In everything that I do there is love involved, and the sexual area is the only one where, until now, instead of love there were the sense of deprivation, shame, guilt and fear, no matter what I did. OK, not only. But there are in my subconscious mind some deposits of these feelings and now they are under a magnifying glass. There is a sense of longing for love, and deep sorrow for not having it, again, no matter how much love I received and how much sex I had or didn’t have. This is why I started with a poem about loneliness.

All these drawings and writings did something to move these old habitual patterns in the mind and disentangle them from their attachment to the idea of me.

Then something happened.

I suddenly felt great love to all the people who suffer like me. I saw how similar we are in our longing to be loved through sex. We all had our reasons for the feelings that we have, and they may be different from each other. But we all die to be loved. And maybe, in a deeper way, we all die to be able to give love through sex. This is the clue: To give love through everything that we choose to do. And what is love? It is a complete acceptance of who we are and the other is. Because a complete acceptance allows for change. Change that happens in this way means that old constricting patterns leave us, and our natural flow becomes who we are. 

So here is the thought that I have now:

All that is healthy and natural happens on its own, if nothing stops it from happening. I cannot create by will what the healthy and happy state is. But if I allow everything that stands in the way to leave me, into that space that opens, the natural state will stream, just as the feeling of love came into me before. 

In the next posting or postings I’ll go through this process and you will see how I do it.

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My Pages

The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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