19. the pain forces me to look at it

I am starting the process of accepting everything, beginning with shame, guilt and fear about sex. 

This day I have a lot of pain in my foot. It has not stopped throughout the night and all the hours of this morning. The pain is so strong that all my body shakes from it. I will have to deal with the pain before I can do anything else.


Pain in the foot

Pain in the foot

I draw the pain, the way I feel it. I add the grey line that defines the location of the foot and the phone rings. The pain has gone down, just from doing this. When I finish the call in a few minutes, I don’t have pain. More precisely I do have a sense of itchiness that is not so strong, in all the places where the pain was before. It is amazing how powerful it is to just draw the pain. But you have to know: In the past, when I did this, I mostly needed four or five drawings of the pain, all the time following the way it kept changing, until it stopped. Drawing the pain is, in my experience the best way to fully accept it and anything else that you draw, because you become interested in it. You do not come from wanting to eliminate it, but from curiosity. You act on your curiosity, you become aware of all the sensations of the pain and as a result, the pain starts to change. At the same time, your brain develops new neurons and connections in these moments and you become more alive. Long-term pain sometimes makes people feel depressed. Becoming more alive, through this process acts against this tendency. This is another benefit.

At this time I finished my pictorial description of the pain. As I look at the drawing, my sense of beauty kicks in and tells me that the drawing still wants more. I trust my sense of beauty, and now, that the pain has subsided, I follow its guidance. If the sense of beauty wants me to continue, it usually means that my intuition has a message for me. I work intuitively and this is how it looks in the end.


Pain and what is around it

Pain and what is around it

When I look at the composition it tells me that the pain is a clearer manifestation of things that are less clear. Those stones or clouds conglomerate there and prevent flow. Maybe they are not so strongly connected, and can be moved by a good kick? There are two places where energy escapes or dissolves. They are the green part above the foot and the green line under the grey stone. The other lines in that area seem to be too strongly connected to the blue stone, so energy does not really leave the place through them.

It also seems that the pain phenomena is trying to push the stones away. Here I have to say something important: I know that there is no way to win through fighting and pushing anything away. Everything that we push away today will come back stronger tomorrow, so to speak. So this drawing provides me with a hint about something that I can do. I can eliminate the conflict between the pain and the stones. When two things fight and no one wants to give way, they become stuck, which in this case means that the pain stays, because it is in a fight with the stones. Do you see how clear the intuition sees?

And it would be very interesting to see what the green does. Where does it go? Where does it take the energy from? It is important to know, because it is one place where there is flow.

Do you see how rich and wonderful this kind of work is? 

I look at the stones again and this time I give them names.

The magenta stone is pain, but this one is emotional.

The grey stones are “Can’t remember what I am. I am so old. But I am so strongly habituated to be as I am that I’m not going to change now.

The dark blue stone is Moody, has been treated unfairly, angry and making some big impression with the lines underneath it.

The lined cloud is just an old anger, still lingering.

How do I know?

It just comes to me without thinking. So I believe it. I could also say that I just feel these things, because they have that kind of energy in them, in their shapes, colors and textures, and they connect in my mind, when I listen very keenly, to the ideas that I expressed above. 

Something is growing in the green area and feels positive. If this picture was the description of an economical disaster and I had to choose a direction to go, to save everybody, I would go with the green. It feels to be going in a good direction. 

Maybe it is possible to say that some of the stones start moving. The blue definitely does. The lined cloud does not seem to have much power. Maybe the green is the first sign of something new growing? 

I did not say anything about the brown stone in the middle. It seems to be new, did not grow to become big yet, maybe not a big deal. Maybe it is the habit of the local cells to be in pain and struggle, and just starting to become a fixed shape?

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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