20. Dealing with my shame

This is going to be a long posting, with three pictures. It is all one process, and I want it to be together.

I got up in the morning, opened the blog and felt: Oh dear! What did I do yesterday? And a wave of deep shame came over me. I could do it alone at home. I do not have to put it out there. And I figured that this moment was the best time to start working on shame, as I promised that I’d do.

I talked to my intuition: Draw what I feel now. Intuition is very fast. Once you decide what it is that you ask, it knows already, and all you have to do is just do an intuitive-flow drawing. I put my brush to the paints.

A tower of bats

A tower of bats


 

 

The going-in-with-words brought this:

 

Long, long ago

In the place from which

The dark memories come

Health was not important.

Sweeping thoughts

Bring sorrow now

And I blush.

My pain tries to cover

My longing.

The signs are fleeting and vague

The waves come to the shore

From my true aspiration

But I build a tower of bats.

The big men are dancing at night

Oh, so light

With disturbing energy

Layers upon layers.

 

I decided not to elaborate on this at all. Just reading gives me enough handles on this experience. I do not want to define it to death. I know there is a way to go ahead of me, and a fleeting experience of what has come to the paper is enough for now, to generate a sense of knowing. Structures of thought in the subconscious were touched and shaken a little. I do not have to be violent. I’ll go in there again with a new drawing and see what is going on now.

Starting to move away

Starting to move away

 

And going-in-with-words brought this:

 

I am trying now

Supported by my pain.

I listen to my sadness

And still hear the hard workers

In the basement.

It was so long ago

I am jumping now, ain’t I?

Sticking my head out

Look at me:

I am walking.

And in the basement

My old story

Is unraveling.

 

Again I decide not to elaborate on this.

I just jot down quickly what I see:

I’m moving. There is sadness. Pain helps me walk. Horror in the basement.

 

I do another drawing:

 

Reaching the soft clouds

Reaching the soft clouds

This time the writing just flowed out of me complete:

 

Here we are leaving the old earth

Venturing into space

Our daring is unbelievable

We are not afraid

When the sun goes red

As it sinks

New soft clouds

Come all around us

We open our eyes

We have no words.

 

As soon as I finish, something stirs in my mind and this comes out:

 

Just as we are,

With the dark side

With the pain

With the memories

We go.

 

And soon after, this comes:

 

Accepting now

That I am not perfect

And with whatever I carry

I walk

And do

My life’s work. 

 

At this point I already know that something good has happened. I feel satisfaction. I know this feeling. Something real was done to become freer. As I said it before, some mental structures were shaken from their places, where they were holding on to the idea of “me”, and as soon as they moved, some fresh air came in from who-I-am. It was a step from being blindly activated by hidden beliefs, to being open to intuition.

This is what we are here for, on this earth. 

 

And here is another thought. How can I do it to myself? How can I heal myself? Don’t I need someone else there, to be detached enough to see what I do not see, to catch me when my thought patters make me stray from seeing what is there?

This can be done because by being in an intuitive flow I detach myself from my mind. I am in a place to where the power of thoughts does not reach. Only in this way I can do it. And you can do it too, with yourself and with others.

I want to add another thing. The depth of this work is amazing. When you look at the last drawing you can see that it seems that the more solid part is in the right side, while the left is just starting to be something. One of the healers that I saw told me that on my right side my aura was full, but was almost not there on the left side. Am I growing my aura to the left side too now? By the way, my painful foot is.. you guessed it: the left one.

Another thing is that you can see the beginning of the last drawing in the second drawing. Already in the second drawing there is a rounded shape on the lower right, from which things come out and up toward the left side. Knowing this, it is possible to see, though in a very obscure way, that this structure could be hiding in the first drawing already. Isn’t this what all the wise people tell us? The solution has always been in you. All you have to do is see it.

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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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