This is going to be a long posting, with three pictures. It is all one process, and I want it to be together.
I got up in the morning, opened the blog and felt: Oh dear! What did I do yesterday? And a wave of deep shame came over me. I could do it alone at home. I do not have to put it out there. And I figured that this moment was the best time to start working on shame, as I promised that I’d do.
I talked to my intuition: Draw what I feel now. Intuition is very fast. Once you decide what it is that you ask, it knows already, and all you have to do is just do an intuitive-flow drawing. I put my brush to the paints.
The going-in-with-words brought this:
Long, long ago
In the place from which
The dark memories come
Health was not important.
Bring sorrow now
And I blush.
My pain tries to cover
The signs are fleeting and vague
The waves come to the shore
From my true aspiration
But I build a tower of bats.
The big men are dancing at night
Oh, so light
With disturbing energy
Layers upon layers.
I decided not to elaborate on this at all. Just reading gives me enough handles on this experience. I do not want to define it to death. I know there is a way to go ahead of me, and a fleeting experience of what has come to the paper is enough for now, to generate a sense of knowing. Structures of thought in the subconscious were touched and shaken a little. I do not have to be violent. I’ll go in there again with a new drawing and see what is going on now.
And going-in-with-words brought this:
I am trying now
Supported by my pain.
I listen to my sadness
And still hear the hard workers
In the basement.
It was so long ago
I am jumping now, ain’t I?
Sticking my head out
Look at me:
I am walking.
And in the basement
My old story
Again I decide not to elaborate on this.
I just jot down quickly what I see:
I’m moving. There is sadness. Pain helps me walk. Horror in the basement.
I do another drawing:
This time the writing just flowed out of me complete:
Here we are leaving the old earth
Venturing into space
Our daring is unbelievable
We are not afraid
When the sun goes red
As it sinks
New soft clouds
Come all around us
We open our eyes
We have no words.
As soon as I finish, something stirs in my mind and this comes out:
Just as we are,
With the dark side
With the pain
With the memories
And soon after, this comes:
That I am not perfect
And with whatever I carry
My life’s work.
At this point I already know that something good has happened. I feel satisfaction. I know this feeling. Something real was done to become freer. As I said it before, some mental structures were shaken from their places, where they were holding on to the idea of “me”, and as soon as they moved, some fresh air came in from who-I-am. It was a step from being blindly activated by hidden beliefs, to being open to intuition.
This is what we are here for, on this earth.
And here is another thought. How can I do it to myself? How can I heal myself? Don’t I need someone else there, to be detached enough to see what I do not see, to catch me when my thought patters make me stray from seeing what is there?
This can be done because by being in an intuitive flow I detach myself from my mind. I am in a place to where the power of thoughts does not reach. Only in this way I can do it. And you can do it too, with yourself and with others.
I want to add another thing. The depth of this work is amazing. When you look at the last drawing you can see that it seems that the more solid part is in the right side, while the left is just starting to be something. One of the healers that I saw told me that on my right side my aura was full, but was almost not there on the left side. Am I growing my aura to the left side too now? By the way, my painful foot is.. you guessed it: the left one.
Another thing is that you can see the beginning of the last drawing in the second drawing. Already in the second drawing there is a rounded shape on the lower right, from which things come out and up toward the left side. Knowing this, it is possible to see, though in a very obscure way, that this structure could be hiding in the first drawing already. Isn’t this what all the wise people tell us? The solution has always been in you. All you have to do is see it.