Today is an important day for me, friends.
I have decided to change the direction of this blog. Promising to cure myself right here in front of your eyes is too stressful and it is not a good life to live with this stress. Instead I am going to work my way to deeply and fully accept my condition, as it is and wherever it goes. And I am also going to use my life, when I do and when I do not deal with the pain and the illness, to fully and deeply be who-I-am.
In the last weeks I saw my condition getting worse. It is not that I am not doing good work, finding and releasing subconscious programs that I do not need any more. But for a reason that I do not know I am getting more numb over large parts of my hands, and my legs become harder to move. The pain also gets stronger.
This morning I woke up with a short dream. In it I was with a ten year old kid. He was sitting on the toilet. He was paraplegic. He could not move his legs and his hands were weak. I had to help him sit on the toilet. When he finished, I’d have to wipe his behind. I was hugging his feet and telling him that I loved him very much but I was moving my head away now because I could not take the smell.
In order to fully accept my condition, whether it is better or worse, and even when it is terrifyingly painful, I need to be in a deeper state and witness my condition from there. This is what intuitive flow enables. There are other ways indeed to do this, and at night, when I do not draw, or at times when I am away from paper and paints, I will use any other ways that work for me.
I am rededicating this blog to the deep and full acceptance of my experiences, every single moment. I am giving up both hope and resistance.