It starts with a 3AM drawing. 3AM is a good time to draw intuitively, because even though you are not asleep obviously, you are asleep to some degree, and it is all for good.
I draw with my nose close to the paper, as children sometimes do, so I see what I am doing up close, but I do not see all of the paper. This is good too. The drawing makes itself. When I finish I look.
It has two sides, one is dark and one is light. In the dark side there is some furniture with some kind of a vase. One plant comes out of the vase. It is green. It looks depressed. It lost a part that is falling. There is another plant, made of the same dark blue that the furniture is made of. In this plant, there is some blooming, but the blooming happens inside of a constraining circle. The red flower cannot grow out of the circle. This whole part, on the right side of the drawing, seems to come close to the other, left side of the drawing. But instead of getting mixed with it, it turns its back to it and grows away from it.
The light side seems a little pushed away by the right side, but it sends one ray of light into the sad area. In it there is life and change.
This strikes me. I meet with a tendency in me to turn away from the light. Many memories and ideas are stirred in my mind. The feeling of loving being sad, seeing it as beautiful. Loving the longing to the light, but being afraid that in the light I will not want to make art any more.. What kind of a life can that be?
This is not my normal everyday self. But here it is and it feels true. There is a pull to the sad, the dramatic, the ill, the dark, the hopeless.
I guess one can live like this and still make good art and long beautifully to the light. A beautiful longing always moved me. But I know that it is impossible to be happy this way. There is always giving up on happiness and choosing the lack, beautiful lack, but still lack. So here I come to a new front in my adventure with intuitive flow.
I am already an old hand. I ask myself: What is in the dark side? And I draw.
This surprises me even more.
It is almost a realistic picture of a house on a slope, with a little tree to its side and a big tree in front of it. The house leans on a hillside with wintering trees and there is a grey cloud, maybe in the sky, maybe as fog, caught up in the trees. There is a feeling of winter and snow.
And there are two sides in this too. The left looks more optimistic and inviting. The right seems to be closed and non communicative.
I remember seeing such a side in the pain phenomena. It is a part that is so hurting that it does not even want to hear anything from you. It just turns away and only if you hug it for a long time, it will start playing with your hair, maybe, or feel curious about your skin.
I decide to go through this façade and see what is behind it. The question is: If I go through this layer, what will I find behind it?
Here is what I see:
There is the red figure leaning forward to play? to touch? to own? a blue figure that looks like half of a woman. She is bending backward to avoid the red figure. Maybe she is on a boat that is about to leave. Maybe she will fall, because there is nothing under the right side of the boat. The red and the blue figures are connected with a light purple line through the ground. Maybe they belong to each other in some secret way? The ground is tilted and seems to stand on the back of an ochre horse, which makes everything very unstable. There are trees in the back of the red figure. They tilt in the other way. They have their own agenda. And here is an interesting thing: From the left low corner comes something that looks like a saw, to cut the leg of the red figure. This again! And I remember one more thing. I always had fascination with knights, fighting to prove their love to a woman that they can never touch. The whole scene looks somewhat theatrical and unreal. This is the direction it is going. What was a memory from a past life is starting to change into something that is less real.
After drawing this last one I go to the window seat. I lie down, very close to the window and drink, so to speak, the light that is coming in. I have to open myself to the light. This is what I think. So this series did something positive. But there is more to come.