At 4 AM once more, something tells me to go to the studio to draw.
What comes out surprises me, as other drawings did. Even though many of the shapes I use in my drawings remind of plants I usually do not draw flowers as the subject of the drawing. But here the shapes are clearly flowers. This is what wanted to come.
It looks simple. Four flowers grow next to each other. I leave them alone in the night and go back to bed.
In the morning I see the drawing on the table and start thinking. But it is not really thinking. It is a way to be sensitive to what I see with words. I call this process, whether it is done with pictures or with texts, LISTEN/DO. This process, on its own, starts pulling in knowledge I did not know were there. This process starts to show that there is a lot of information in this simple drawing that could have been missed.
Here is what I see:
Starting in the left and ending in the right, as was the order of doing, it started with red that is changing moods or intensities. It went on to green and blue, flailing and sending long limbs or flowers in different directions. This may be surprisingly accurate in describing my life, flourishing early, and breaking off to two directions. One is trying to fix my childhood traumas. The other is going deeper and deeper into knowing the truth of all.
The two flowers that come next are less physical but more straight, and they flourish with more ease and normality.
After that there are no more flowers.
The one on the extreme right is the tallest and the most straight, and it goes all the way to the top and a bit out of the paper, to bear its flower there.
What feels a little strange is that the colors in the right side are less vivid. They go from ochre, which is less vivid than the red and the green but still alive (It feels as if it is a bit farther away and somewhat transparent), to the slightly darker last one, which looks as if it is a shadow and not a real flower. Nevertheless it has vitality in its shape and maybe it feels spiritual.
So the process goes from what can be felt as pain in a big show-off, through growth that is unsure of its direction, to transparency and, in the last one, to unreal. Maybe the last flower says that the physical life that we have here is not real, but a shadow of the images in our mind. And if this is so, then the image I am creating now, as the life I am about to live, will be more alive but I will clearly know that it is not real in the way we usually think it is.