This is the drawing I made just now. It is 7PM on Friday April 30th.
Look at it. How would you think I started it and what was the direction that I worked? You’d think that I started from the lower left, where there seems to be some kind of a ground or a base and maybe from this I started to grow that plant-like thing first to the right, then to the left, and then to the right again. Doesn’t it look as if this is the natural way to draw it?
But no. I started from the upper right.The first thing I did was the arching line that goes from the upper middle, more or less, to the top right side, and outwards. After this I added the shape that is under it, the one that looks as if the upper shape came from it. Then I drew the one that is on the right side, and as if holds the second one. And the last shape I drew is what can be seen as the ground from which everything else started. Why? Why is that so? Isn’t this strange, to build backwards from where things are now, to where they started from? Or is it going down? No, it does not seem to be going down. Only the story in my mind started from where it is now, and went to the past. It is a habit of the subconscious.
And one more thing. As soon as I started the first line, the one that arches itself to the upper right and almost flies out, I cried suddenly.
When I started to think about this drawing, this is the first thing I thought: After making this first line and after crying, I did not need to go any farther. Here, in this line and in the crying lies everything that I need to know. But having done the rest of the drawing before I had this thought, taught me some more, and now I have the whole picture, all that my intuition wanted me to read.
But today I already know everything and I do not need to go through the process of discovering. Before I started writing this blog page I have written two pages without thinking, as a stream of consciousness and as a long poem. I do not want to quote all of what I wrote because it will be too long for a blog post. Instead I’ll show you what I see in my art.
Every one of the steps has an aspiration or a jumping motion to the right, wanting to go out from the page. But every one of them also has some supporting beams. It is as if soon after making the motion of aspiration and jumping, that shape felt the need to be strengthened, as if it was not strong enough as it was. It felt the need for support. Do you see that? The last one (which is actually the first in the process today,) is too new yet, so it does not have this development but the two middle shapes have grown self support. Not because these shapes really needed it. They felt the need. They felt lack of safety. They wanted to be stronger than they were.
If we go to the first, the base shape, it looks as if it fell down. It has many support lines but it fell nevertheless. It seems that the more support you collect the faster you fall. So the whole story of my growth, as intuition shows it to me, starts from a broken tree. And with every step of the way after this, the feeling of lack of safety, or lack of strength, inherited from the first step, made me stop my flying motion so I could build the supportive beams. And this is why, when I make a step today I remember how I did not end up flying in all the previous times, and I cry. I really want to fly.
Now think about it: The idea that I started with no healthy legs or feet to stand on, but a collapsed tree, and that I always felt that my leg or foot strength was not enough, doesn’t it seem to go well together with pain in the foot now, that I feel the urge to fly so strongly?