Here is a drawing from 5/1/2011.
I did it at night. I woke up with so much pain and could not sleep. A few days ago I came back from the hospital. A kidney stone had taken me there, but while there it was found that I had a clogged artery on the heart’s wall, which was resolved immediately. But something else has happened too. They have found that there was something that I could take to reduce or even eliminate the pain for a few hours. It is Codein. They gave it to me while in the hospital and I was pain free during most of the nights for the first time in more than five years. I slept wonderfully. You can imagine how it feels to a person who has not had even one night of more than three or four hours of sleep in the last five years. And these hours were always made up of short, one-hour periods at best. Then I saw that I could also take some less of the Codein during the day and I almost did not have pain during the day too. When I came home I had some of these pills and suddenly I could stand in a book store and look at books.
But what about the project? Well, the project is not about eliminating the pain by blocking something in the nervous system. It is about healing. It is about eliminating the emotional reason for the pain, and leaving the nervous system intact. I can do it even when I feel less of the pain. Maybe I even can do more of it. At first, for five years, I refused to help the pain in any other way than the emotional. Now I saw that I can’t live without sleep, so I have to do it with the relief that I have found.
Then came the night of April 29th. In this night the pain was not affected by taking the Codein and I decided to take a little more. I wanted to sleep. This little more was a bit too much and it turned out to be an overdose.
During the next day I did not take any of it indeed, to allow the body detoxify and in the next night I took only a small dose, which did not do much. So this is the night in which I got up from being awake and with pain and sat down to make the drawing that you see up there at the beginning.
Just to finish with this entry before it goes too long I’ll say this:I see that there are two sides in the drawing. Shapes from the two sides go at each other, shouting, being angry, biting, fighting, going head to head. This feels like anger and frustration. There is also limpness, a sense of giving up, sadness and heaviness.
It is also possible to say that all the lines come down from one area where they are all entangled. But there are no parts of the bodies of the lines touching each other. Only the heads touch, where thoughts are. Instead of touching with the bodies, there is a space between the two sides, which almost looks like a person. There is someone there. That someone hears the two sides fighting with each other and his own identity almost disappears. He is defined in this drawing only by where there is no fighting. Isn’t this an interesting thing? A person being defined only by the two fighting sides around it? How abut a country? I won’t go there.
So we have a person there, I am sure. And I never leave things when they have not been resolved by finding the human core inside. The human core for me is where we are all connected not by a thought but by something deeper than this. I never let go before I find the place inside things where we are all one. So this is where this posting ends. I will have to go inside of that person in the middle, between the fighting sides and find out who he is and what is inside of him. This will be in the next post.