intuitiveflow

The mouse in the wainscot

In my forth year in America I illustrated a small children’s book. In it, a little girl could not fall asleep at night because she heard sounds. The sounds came from a little mouse who lived in the wainscot. The story did not tell why the little mouse made that noise. It just gave the different sounds that the little girl heard. Her father pointed them out to her. The story was very short and I saw that I had to stretch the story along enough pages to make a small book, so I invented a story to go along with the sounds. The mouse could not fall asleep just as the girl could not, because he did not have his toy mouse with him. He got out of his beautiful bed, went downstairs and found his toy mouse in a big couch in the living room. He picked his toy mouse up and ran back to his room, where he climbed into his bed, covered himself with three colorful blankets and fell asleep, hugging his little friend. The wallpaper above his head in the picture showed flowers floating in the air, like dreams. You won’t see them in the picture above, because this is the cover picture.

I loved the story and the illustrations happened so fluently and easily. It became the most beautiful children’s book I have ever made till then. I learned so much from the time I came to the US and I knew that a few years back I would not have been able to do such a wonderful work. I felt I was doing what I was meant to do.

I gave the book to the editor and he too liked the work very much. I came home. I thought: This is the most beautiful thing I have ever made. I’ll probably never be able to do such a beautiful work again. And if this is so, I don’t want to live any more. I really felt so.

About a week later my brother came to visit and saw a dark spot under my chin. He was married to a doctor at the time, so he became aware of medical conditions. It was quite a big spot, like a quarter. I had it for a while. It itched sometimes and I scratched it sometimes. But because it was under a beard, I never gave it too much thought. My brother suggested I went to see a dermatologist. The dermatologist said it was melanoma. A week before, I thought I wanted to die, and here was the way in which I was going to die.

I didn’t. I had another book to do and after that many more came. But I learned that this happens sometimes to creative people. After an intense creative project, when it has ended successfully and in a very fulfilling way, there may come a depression. Suddenly the reason to live is gone. Now I know that this can happen only because we do not know that we are limitless.

I think this happened to me again after I finished the first part of the blog.

Actually it happened more times, as I see suddenly.

One of the other times was when I had an exhibition in Germany of abstract drawings and words. I felt I was showing something that was valuable to the viewers, giving them something from what I had experienced in my years of meditation. It was too one of the best things I did in my life. I felt that this was exactly what I had to do with my life at the time. When I came back to the US after two months of being away, I found that I lost all my illustration clients. A steady spot that I used to do regularly for the Wall Street Journal and was the basis of my income was given to someone else. Everything was different.

Now that I look at it, I realize that every time that this happened, it was the beginning of something better. When I came back from the operation for the melanoma, I saw that the only thing that interested me was to study with a Zen master. I found my teacher and studied with him for twelve years. This has changed my mind about everything.

When I came back from the exhibition in Germany and found that I lost my livelihood, it took some time, but in the end I went to study art therapy. Out of this came the method of intuitive flow.

So crisis seems to be good for me. I am sure it is good for you too. And I think that the faster I find my next step and the faster I get to doing it, the shorter the crisis will be. So now, when I have this terrible pain, and I have very few clients and very little money, do you know what I feel? I feel excitement.

Charles Ives plays his piano and sings

I am listening to Charles Ives playing his piano, singing and shouting sometimes with unstoppable joy. I find him so sensitive and rich in his music. I find him playful as a child. Sometimes he is a naughty child, breaking all the rules of music in his time. But he does it because his heart tells him to, and because of this, his “naughtiness” only makes him more loveable.

And suddenly I am back in the issue of heart-wave. It is just a name for a program of learning to meditate with an emphasis on the energy of the heart. The heart does  not think incessantly. It knows, so it does not need to think in order to do. It is the inner guidance to happiness and freedom. If we just tune in to it, we will be lead.

And I think about what Joshua Bloom had taught me about expanding my aura to fill the room and then more, saying that this is a healing state. When you are in this state you do not think. And I think about Quantum Healing, taught by Frank Kinslow. In his method you learn to discover the quiet mind, the happy mind, the heart-mind actually, where words do not rule, but knowing and an eternal love to all. All comes to the same thing. The Buddhist meditation that I learned and practiced, also leads to the same thing. It is a method to drop the mind of thinking and when you do this, your heart-mind manifests. Following intuition, in my way, is following your heart-mind too. All that I teach and all that I do, comes and goes to the same thing. Listen to your heart all the time, in whatever way you find natural to you, and you will be lead to happiness and love.

The arts have a good gate for truth to come through, and Charles Ives opened his gate very wide. Whatever came through that gate, even if it broke all the rules, is made of pure love and therefore it is the best gift that anybody can give. And this is why I cry as I listen to him shouting like a mad man and playing all the “Wrong” notes. Because I feel his love and I feel my love.

In this way, listening to Ives, my heart tells me that I got stuck and that it is time to move.

The tree of light inside the pain

The yellow matures inside of pain

It grows like a tree

Made of all the personalities that I gathered

But losing them all in the light

My background is pain and freedom mixed together

Green is my mother

Pain is my father

And water is my soul.

I thought I was alone

But there is the view of a higher self

Mentors and spirit guides

And all the multitudes in the spirit worlds

And the multitudes in flesh

The eternal, unmoved, but supporting unification

Ceaselessly.

In every moment and experience that I have I hear his voice saying

Come to me

Be me

Be All

And see, there is uniqueness in being all I am

There is being as a process

Tuning in to it and allowing

Then I become.

This is who I am: Becoming.

It is not it. It is what experiences it.

The pain continues to kill me.

I do not understand why. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.

I did everything I had to do.

I develop more and more depth in the meditation. Somehow I know that the clue is in that, in the ability to go deeper. I mean deeper than I had gone.

I know these states. I had been in them many times. It is time to do it again. I know that everything depends on this.

One morning I draw the struggle. There is the one who struggles and there are the things that stand in its way.

There is nothing wrong in this. It is only that I have been there so many times.

I do it again anyway. But it is not it. It is what experiences it.

I buy a new meditation aid. It is called Heart Wave. It was created by Paul Bauer. You can find him on the web. I listen to two of his and Susan, his partner’s talks. One thing sticks with me. The heart wave is what I call intuition. It means coming from the heart to everything that you do. Not doing from the thinking mind or the subconscious mind, but from the heart, meaning love. This is exactly what I do when I draw, based on the sense of beauty, kick-starting the flow of intuition. The flow of intuition is the heart wave. But one thing sticks out for me and it is what he calls the full spectrum of the heart-wave, which means the full spectrum of the emotions. When we allow ourselves to feel all the emotions that come to us to the fullest degree, this is the full heart-wave, Paul says. And suddenly I have a fresh angle on what I already know. He talks about us limiting our heart-wave. Because of our traumas, big and small, we limit what we allow ourselves to feel. We do not want to be traumatized again. It is not new to me. I know that, but something in the different perspective, in seeing just feeling as the heart-wave and allowing it to be full, something in this is helpful to me. So we limit the heart-wave and hold fear, as the gate. And when we do that we bring about the experience of fear again to us. There is no escape from this.

I make sure I experience the full spectrum of my emotions in meditation, after this. Whatever comes or arises in me, I allow it to flourish to its full force. And suddenly I feel free for a short time. And when I get up from this meditation, the pain is gone for an hour.

I realize that when people draw intuitively and especially when we add to the drawing the going-in-with-words, this is one of the aspects of it: They come to experience the full spectrum of their feelings. There is no escape from this too. It simply happens through this work. Again I see the connection between my work and the work of the heart-wave. I feel very good.

Then suddenly my life partner wakes up in the morning with a huge upset, and when she pours her heart about it to me I am suddenly traumatized. I feel how a stone is created in my chest. For two days I have this stone in me. I can’t speak and I do not know what I want. But I am experienced and know what I have to do. I like the way Dain Heer (find him on the web) describes it in a video. There is that big thing in me suddenly, standing there in my chest and saying: I am not moving from here any more. Try to move me. And I say: Hi. I am here. It says: Don’t play these games with me. I am not moving. Forget about it. And I say: Hi, I am here.

This is all I have to do. In due time this thing melts. But it comes back. Do you know when it comes? When the pain attacks. So here I suddenly see the pattern of the staying power of the pain. It comes to me to provoke this feeling of being traumatized, because I have this feeling in me. If I have it, the universe gives it to me more. I call it the universe but it is not that. It is that vast emptiness from which every experience comes and into which it eventually goes. What we call awareness is experiencing from that perspective, experiencing very fully, but not being moved at all, accepting fully, and through this, allowing everything to change.

It is a strange thing indeed, if you think about it logically. It would seem that accepting, when looked at logically, perpetuates the phenomena that is being accepted. But in reality it does not work that way. If we accept an inner experience, it moves out of our system. This means that we become less burdened and more clear. 

Now when I relate this to me I see that this feeling of being traumatized is my core issue. I had it in me in childhood already, even before everything had happened. When these traumas happened in childhood, they came to my experience as a result of me having had the feeling of being traumatized.

Is this feeling of being traumatized mine?

I have seen through this work of drawing and writing that I had some traumas in my previous lives indeed. But then, these traumas from the past had also come to my experience because I had the feeling of being traumatized in me already. And thinking about how did it all start, there is no escape again from realizing that at some point I got the feeling of being traumatized from someone else, just by experiencing what the other one felt and believing it was mine. This is an idea I have learned from Dain Heer and find it to be true. The feeling of being traumatized or the expectation of having trauma had become exacerbated along my history. In this life it was so strong that something dramatic had to happen to me, to match this strength of inner experience.

So now it has become clear. This strong habitual feeling of being traumatized is what brings me experiences of being traumatized. The pain is one of them. It stays because this feeling calls for some trauma. All those stories of past lives with all that had happened in them only show the fantastic ways in which this endless emptiness creates realities for me, based on a vibration that I keep.

This is how endlessness teaches us. It does not say that this is a right thing to do and that is a wrong thing to do. It says that when we do something we create a feeling in us, and that feeling will be responded to by the endless, by giving us more of the same thing. This is what the endless teaches. And through this teaching, again, we do not learn what is right and what is wrong. We learn that what happens to us comes from us and we have the power to change the inner feeling and the outer result. When we discover this we become free. This is what is helpful in learning to manifest, as people call it.

So this part of the blog veers now into the realm of manifesting, since there is no escape from this too. Having control of what we create as experiences for ourselves is part of our growth and development.

I welcome you to this adventure too.

To end, I’ll add a series of five drawings. I drew the stone in my chest as I felt it when it was not so strong any more, but still there, and then did it again and again, until there started to be a feeling of release, of a free flow and of joy. This is the best way I know to really look closely at any mind monster, while coming from love. And the monster does go. I stopped the process of drawing when I knew that the next one was going to be an empty page.

There is a stone in my chest

It is hard to move with this inside of me.

It hurts but there is a feeling that something begins to fall apart.

In spite of some remaining pressure, the energy starts to flow through.

Now the dance begins.

I drew the pain in a way that I never did before. It is a red angry energy, eating away from something green. When I look at the green that is left uneaten it gives me the feeling of the remains of genitals, after an attack was made against them. There is a whole lot of blood and liquid leftovers.

Then I did some pencil lines that seemed as if some clear energy was coming from where the body is, trying to be whole, but, being shocked by the violence, they cave in where the violence was done.

Violence

I decide to give each of these three entities their voice and allow them to talk through a drawing.

The red shows that all it wants is to ascend to heaven, and it does not care at all about the body or the earth or anything.

Aspiring to be holy

I used to say, when I lost some of my teeth, that I do not worry, because I only need the remaining teeth until I die. This is the way I felt about my body.

So the idealistic red had total disregard for the body.

There are traces of this in Chan literature. We once heard a whole set of evening talks, while on a retreat, about one of China’s old masters who kept telling his students that their bodies are bags of excrements. If this is not hatred toward the body I don’t know what is.

But this went along with what I felt anyway.

Now the green, when I drew what he wanted to say, he wanted to grow up too. He wanted to naturally grow up and align himself with eternity. But kept failing. The green brought the brown along to help it. The brown gave the green a ground, but also the more material substance so it could hold itself erect as it went up. But the brown started to turn down half way through, as all flesh does. It goes up and it goes down afterward. The flesh is cyclical and belongs to the temporary existence.

Eternal and temporal

Then I was about to give the stage to the lines that for me were the ether body, trying to be complete but being in a shock.

But at that time I had to leave this work for some time and when I came back home in the evening I had a book that took me with it somewhere else. It is a book about being who you are and I fell in love with it in a second. Even before I had it I already loved it.

At night, a new way of living with the pain showed up. For a while I have been able to allow the whole body shake from the pain, to allow the whole nervous system to quiver, and at the same time develop the ability to be in a quiet place. So my body relaxes totally, and in this relaxation it twitches and squirms in response to the spasms of pain, coming in waves that peak higher and higher.

During the night it came to me to do something that I have kept doing with the art process. Many times, when I find a place in the art that seems to have some important meaning, I dive into that place and when I am in, I draw whatever the drawing will bring out. It is a fantastic way to experience the energy of deep, hidden programs. So it was only natural for me to do the same thing without the art process, when I was in bed. I imagined diving into the center of the pain and when I was there I did something else. I did something that I have learned from the De Silva method and Burt Goldman. I decided that while there, in the middle of that crazy pain, I was going to go deeper and deeper into who I am, as much as I can. And the way I do it is that I count from 9 to 1, and descend an imaginary staircase into myself. And what I found is that I could be in a very deep state, when I feel that there is only space, and be a witness from within to the pain phenomena as it was happening all around me, even including the spasms that the body goes into from the pain.

In this state, this morning I saw that the waves that I associated with good energy coming to heal the foot, are actually from that part of me, or deeply involved with that part of me that wants to ignore the body all together and go up to heaven or become holy. And I also felt resistance to the strong push of this energy. It was the body that said: and what about me?

And the energy that I felt, that body of energy that was present there too, is maybe the consciousness of the body, that has its preferences, and wants to be complete and whole, but is shocked by what is happening.

So this puts everything in a different perspective than the one I had before.

I thought that the strong current of energy, the one that the acupuncturist started going and blessed me for having, the stream that went to my feet and I thought it was the good energy of healing, is actually the energy, or includes this energy that is angry at the body, for standing in the way of holiness.

But you can’t make your way to heaven on dead bodies.

I am sorry, my body.

And this current is also the one, which is felt when I get into a quiet state and suddenly feel an urge climbing up my spine and pushing up, as if to go through my skull. This is what I considered to be my question. Surely my question is in it. But you see, everything that I introduced into my subconscious mind as a valuable thing to live for, like the question, has gotten together with this urge to become holy. This shows how the subconscious mind works. Once you have a strong magnetic field in there, which is a strong belief or longing, anything that you throw into this mind responds to this strong magnetic field and immediately aligns itself with it, becoming a part of the bigger urge and actually almost disappearing in it. In this way everything of value becomes subservient to this strong urge and your life goes in the direction of the urge.

And the sexual struggle that you saw, is the way the body fought back against this idealistic notion of becoming holy. It said: You think that you have an urge that is so important, that it justifies ignoring me? Well I have an urge too. Try to kill this! And they are stuck in a fight.

Seeing this was a big day for me.

So what to do now, you ask, since you have met your inner killer of freedom and of the ability to be who you are, What is the thing to do to correct it?

I already know to be careful of fighting anything in the mind. Anything that you fight ends up becoming stronger. But even creating and following an urge is dangerous for me now, because it will associate itself immediately with that holy longing.

I cannot do it, I already tell you. There is nothing that I can do about it. The only thing I can do is to ask the universe, ask the endless to support what is real and true in me, and to bring me the experiences of being who I truly am. Listening to intuition has in it that kind of trust in the endless and for me it is the way to do it. I can ask intuition: What am I to do now? So I will be guided and walk with intuition. Intuition, sweet intuition, is the only thing that is stronger than that urge, because it is beyond the urge’s realm of influence.

I already said that all I want is to follow intuition, because this gives me the best feeling I ever have. And so here I go, not knowing with the thinking mind where I go, but knowing experientially the good feeling of trusting the endless, and the kind of blessing that it is.

And to finish the process I did this drawing now:

Calm during a bumpy ride

The earth

Is golden now

And lovable

In the endless.

A bumpy ride

To the All

Reflects itself

In the distant mountains

And then

Expands to no end.

Raking the sky

Passing swiftly

As moons fly off

Along

Just one piece of road

The hand is out in the wind

Raking the sky

The driver

Is asleep at the wheel

Whispering love songs

And running

It is all saved

Again and again

By a delicate tweet

To show the way.

The drawings were done in different times. They are arranged from the oldest, which was on August 10^th to the newest on August 30^th. I chose them from among many others because they represent a direction and because I like them.

Here is the first:

My issue reemerge

My relentless picture reemerged

My heart arises desperately

I am holding it

And it escapes.

Encumbered at the legs

Do I love myself?

Yes, no,

Deeply troubled with

Things as they are.

The second drawing, from August 26th:

Walking in the street

When I walk outside

I suddenly find myself

Hurrying

And as if worried

Then I say

I am blessed to have this experience

And I open up to the endless.

The third drawing, from August 29^th:

The wind of my heart

My heart takes me in its wind.

Before, I spent time

Mainly in the front of the house

At the window

Watching the flies

Playing in the air.

But one day

The path to the house became

A picture-book-man

Coming up

Or coming up and down.

I dirtied the floor

But I cleaned it

Pumping water from the well.

Now I am

Happily breathing

Like the kiss of a good sound.

And the forth drawing, August 30^th:

No limits

This is not a poem. These are just thoughts.

I don’t know

Why I cry

When I look

At what

I’ve just

Done.

I see the usual effort

To jump into space

To disappear, maybe?

To find Mama and Papa?

To find love forever?

To be free?

Home?

To be who I am?

I also see that there are always a few starting strokes that are willful

And soon after them something true kicks in and takes over.

All I have to do is listen/do.

Listen/do is my new way to describe intuitive doing.

My aim is to listen/do beauty, which seems to be what I am here for. It is the gift that I have received and it is the very best, the only real thing that I can ever give to anybody.

And this one drawing tears my heart. It may be nothing to others. Maybe a few will feel their hearts broken too? And that’s where my niche resides.

Or maybe it is: To show anybody who is interested how to do it too.

So, basically, the work that I do involves finding out where I am, by looking in with a drawing and with words, and maybe with new ways that I have not found yet. When I am low or encumbered, opening up and being relieved through my work, by accepting all that I find. I have already written in Part One how good this method is for accepting and loving. Doing it every time until the beauty that I find breaks my heart, and in this way experience again and again that love has no limits.

The main issue on the table is still the pain and naturally, when I work these days, the pain and everything that it is connected to will emerge. Other issues from my lives will emerge too. As I am working with people, I find that this work that I do with myself makes me more open, more sensitive and more truly accepting. I am living my life purpose. I refuse to do anything that is not the most beautiful that I can. Even paperwork is beautiful if you handle it as if it is deep wonder that passes through your fingers.

And this is the best way for me to be free. I am free already when I live like this, because there is nothing that cannot turn into awe. Is there anything that I have to fight or struggle for?

I can stop part two here, as there is nowhere that I am going to. But I’ll leave it open. I do my work all the time, every day and everywhere I am. Maybe there will be something of interest that will show up in the process, and in this case I’ll come here and post it. Maybe there will be many things? Maybe a few?

I love you all deeply.

On August 19^th I decided to do some work on becoming free of the pain. I wrote down in a goal statement way: I intend to have healthy feet that feel good.

As I was writing this I felt that there was some resistance to what I was writing. I asked myself: Can I imagine myself without the pain? I have had this pain, with many changes and variations, for some 21 years. It has become the way I know myself to be. I must be able to imagine myself without it, if I want it to change. I any case, writing the goal and feeling what stands in the way of change is a very good method to catch the resistances to change and of course to dissolve them afterwards.

I paid attention to the way I felt, the discomfort I had, when I wrote that I wanted to have healthy feet that feel good. What is going on there, I asked? And took the brush.

Here is the drawing that resulted.

The broken flow

This is the forth drawing with the same features and this time I started to investigate in a deeper way.

I collected words and passing thoughts from the drawing:

Cells

Wounded or hurting

Torn

Rotten

Exposed

A mixture of life and death

Areas of pain

I did not make a poem. Instead I asked myself a few questions:

Why don’t the healthy, growing cells, take over and close the gap?

What is in the harmed area? What is the thought behind it? 

To this question I had an immediate answer, intuitively, speaking as the voice of the growing parts: I want to connect, but it is painful. 

I looked again at the drawing and decided to ask: What is in the dead strand?

The dead strand is the places where the cells are blue. The blue cells feel the least alive of all the cells there, and I wondered what is causing them to be less alive. I could go to many other places in the drawing and ask many other questions. But this is a process of intuition, and therefore what felt right, I did.

Here is the drawing that came as an answer:

A strong idea separates the flow

I looked at the composition:

The red part stands between two torn apart lines made of blue, purple and green. The red is not alone there. There is a yellow part that is kind of mixed with the red, but they are not really in harmony with each other. The red feels to me like a very individualistic creature, with its own pride and uniqueness. The yellow feels like light. So the uniqueness of the red does not harmonize with the light. This seems to be the core of the problem and the reason why the two torn apart sides cannot come together and be one. There is no peace in the middle.

This too, of course, happens a lot. Any thought-patterns that we have interfere with the light. We have to let go of habitual thought-patterns in order for the light to pass through our being without any conflict. This is how the space opens up for connection and flow. This is the process of surrender to the light.

So we have here the for the first time that the inner world, the world of thoughts, is found to have the same structure as the world of the pain, as you saw in the last drawing of the pain. I could have drawn the pain in many other ways, but it wanted to appear to me at this time in a shape that has something to do with its reason to be.

The next step was to go into the red and experience it for what it is. There was no point in going into the light. The light can only do good. The thing to let go of is where there are some strongly shaped ideas about the self, even if they are very colorful and interesting. All has to give way. The best way to do it is, as you know already, to let the light or intuition stream through the red.

This is the drawing that resulted:

The power of the thought of not having

The writing happened spontaneously and without the need to collect words, scramble them and all the rest of the process.

And it is not enough

And it is not enough

Many, many

And it is not enough

All are closed for me.

Now I knew what it was. It was the feeling of deprivation due to the vow to be celibate that we have met before, in part one. The forfeiting of who I was, in order to become holy, by the definition of others. 

Remember folks. Even for the best of intentions, forfeiting who you are is not a good way to go. I dedicate this posting to every human being who had ever decided to judge herself by other people’s measure, and thus had closed her inner gate of intuition, or her inner guidance. 

And the whole process shows that an issue that felt as if it was done with can come back. It has many facets and it had been lived for many lifetimes, so there is a lot of hurting and ideas around it. 

And dealing with it this time ends relating to the time between the beginning of part two and now. I am free to be where I am now.

I remember another drawing from not so long ago that had some of the same characteristics that the drawing from post # 62 had. It had a different meaning, when I went-in-with-words, but I start to see that something is appearing in my drawings, which has not gotten all the attention it needs to get. It is always so. When you see some pictorial features repeated in different drawings, you know that something is waiting to get attention and be loved.

First I’ll show you the drawing I am talking about:

Coming to life

Then the words.It is not in the form of a poem this time. These are the thoughts that passed through my mind as soon as I finished the drawing:

As I was drawing I knew. This is the time I came from the womb, passing through the birth canal of my mother. I knew she relived the trauma as I was coming into life and I knew that I came to heal her through my own healing.

And here is another drawing. I did it when I waited for people to come to my open evening workshop about the use of intuition. I had pain and drew it.

Pain with a familiar structure

In this drawing you can see that the same colors appear. There is some continuation of blue, green and brown that is broken by a red area. If not for the red area, the other colors would have become a continuous flow, maybe not a pleasant one, but a flow nevertheless. The red stops the flow by declaring something hot and different in the middle. In this case it is the pain. But why does it appear to say something similar to things that showed up in the other drawings? I did not write words for this one.

So what is it that shows up now and wants me to love it?

I have been away for a few days.

Before we left, I did this drawing.

Angry cloud

Maybe I did it in the small hours of the night. It is about pain. I still have the pain and it is in its worst power ever. I also have waves of numbing of the feet and the hands. After a night my feet and hands are numb. This recedes during the day and goes worse during the night. It is unexpected. You’d expect it to become better after you rest.

I had quite a number of grim drawings like this one lately and I come to realize that another memory is arising and coming into the light.

I wrote the words for this drawing only after we came back, and I already worked on some other drawings. I work on drawings all the time, even when I am away.

So here is what I see in this:

I see that there is a big cloud in the picture. I see that it is angry. It is not just raining as some clouds do, but it is raining angrily, as a punishment. It rains blood. But it has a little portion of green in it too, and the green feels to me like a promise that after you pay for your sins you can expect a little love.

I look at the ground and for me these are little people, afraid of the only “adult” presence, with the power of an angry god. They are simple and innocent, and they are trying to escape the red side and go to the green. I’m sure you can see this easily.

I remember, as I write this, that when I was a child, a rainy day would make me cry for no reason. There was a reason of course but I did not know it.

Basically the picture is about a belief that I have no power. There is a big god-like powerful being who has the power to punish and to give a little love. It is mostly angry and it rains on me with real rain and with blood. I do not want to be punished, but I believe that I have no power in the matter, so I just try to get away from the red and reach the green. It feels though that I do not even have enough power to do that.

 Isn’t this the pictures that we all have in our minds in some way, that we have no power, and that we have to follow the rules of some crazily angry being? If we manage to not be caught doing something wrong, we may get a little conditional love, if that powerful being will have a good moment and will bend in our direction so that we can reach the goodness?

For some of us the huge and powerful being is a parent. For others it may be the image of God? Maybe both? Maybe even a spiritual teacher can take on this image, because this is the only way we are used to see those who know, or who tell us what to do. Isn’t this the reason that so many of us have problems with authority?

The solution, of course, is to find all the love, recognition and encouragement that we need within us.