intuitiveflow

I drew the pain in a way that I never did before. It is a red angry energy, eating away from something green. When I look at the green that is left uneaten it gives me the feeling of the remains of genitals, after an attack was made against them. There is a whole lot of blood and liquid leftovers.

Then I did some pencil lines that seemed as if some clear energy was coming from where the body is, trying to be whole, but, being shocked by the violence, they cave in where the violence was done.

Violence

I decide to give each of these three entities their voice and allow them to talk through a drawing.

The red shows that all it wants is to ascend to heaven, and it does not care at all about the body or the earth or anything.

Aspiring to be holy

I used to say, when I lost some of my teeth, that I do not worry, because I only need the remaining teeth until I die. This is the way I felt about my body.

So the idealistic red had total disregard for the body.

There are traces of this in Chan literature. We once heard a whole set of evening talks, while on a retreat, about one of China’s old masters who kept telling his students that their bodies are bags of excrements. If this is not hatred toward the body I don’t know what is.

But this went along with what I felt anyway.

Now the green, when I drew what he wanted to say, he wanted to grow up too. He wanted to naturally grow up and align himself with eternity. But kept failing. The green brought the brown along to help it. The brown gave the green a ground, but also the more material substance so it could hold itself erect as it went up. But the brown started to turn down half way through, as all flesh does. It goes up and it goes down afterward. The flesh is cyclical and belongs to the temporary existence.

Eternal and temporal

Then I was about to give the stage to the lines that for me were the ether body, trying to be complete but being in a shock.

But at that time I had to leave this work for some time and when I came back home in the evening I had a book that took me with it somewhere else. It is a book about being who you are and I fell in love with it in a second. Even before I had it I already loved it.

At night, a new way of living with the pain showed up. For a while I have been able to allow the whole body shake from the pain, to allow the whole nervous system to quiver, and at the same time develop the ability to be in a quiet place. So my body relaxes totally, and in this relaxation it twitches and squirms in response to the spasms of pain, coming in waves that peak higher and higher.

During the night it came to me to do something that I have kept doing with the art process. Many times, when I find a place in the art that seems to have some important meaning, I dive into that place and when I am in, I draw whatever the drawing will bring out. It is a fantastic way to experience the energy of deep, hidden programs. So it was only natural for me to do the same thing without the art process, when I was in bed. I imagined diving into the center of the pain and when I was there I did something else. I did something that I have learned from the De Silva method and Burt Goldman. I decided that while there, in the middle of that crazy pain, I was going to go deeper and deeper into who I am, as much as I can. And the way I do it is that I count from 9 to 1, and descend an imaginary staircase into myself. And what I found is that I could be in a very deep state, when I feel that there is only space, and be a witness from within to the pain phenomena as it was happening all around me, even including the spasms that the body goes into from the pain.

In this state, this morning I saw that the waves that I associated with good energy coming to heal the foot, are actually from that part of me, or deeply involved with that part of me that wants to ignore the body all together and go up to heaven or become holy. And I also felt resistance to the strong push of this energy. It was the body that said: and what about me?

And the energy that I felt, that body of energy that was present there too, is maybe the consciousness of the body, that has its preferences, and wants to be complete and whole, but is shocked by what is happening.

So this puts everything in a different perspective than the one I had before.

I thought that the strong current of energy, the one that the acupuncturist started going and blessed me for having, the stream that went to my feet and I thought it was the good energy of healing, is actually the energy, or includes this energy that is angry at the body, for standing in the way of holiness.

But you can’t make your way to heaven on dead bodies.

I am sorry, my body.

And this current is also the one, which is felt when I get into a quiet state and suddenly feel an urge climbing up my spine and pushing up, as if to go through my skull. This is what I considered to be my question. Surely my question is in it. But you see, everything that I introduced into my subconscious mind as a valuable thing to live for, like the question, has gotten together with this urge to become holy. This shows how the subconscious mind works. Once you have a strong magnetic field in there, which is a strong belief or longing, anything that you throw into this mind responds to this strong magnetic field and immediately aligns itself with it, becoming a part of the bigger urge and actually almost disappearing in it. In this way everything of value becomes subservient to this strong urge and your life goes in the direction of the urge.

And the sexual struggle that you saw, is the way the body fought back against this idealistic notion of becoming holy. It said: You think that you have an urge that is so important, that it justifies ignoring me? Well I have an urge too. Try to kill this! And they are stuck in a fight.

Seeing this was a big day for me.

So what to do now, you ask, since you have met your inner killer of freedom and of the ability to be who you are, What is the thing to do to correct it?

I already know to be careful of fighting anything in the mind. Anything that you fight ends up becoming stronger. But even creating and following an urge is dangerous for me now, because it will associate itself immediately with that holy longing.

I cannot do it, I already tell you. There is nothing that I can do about it. The only thing I can do is to ask the universe, ask the endless to support what is real and true in me, and to bring me the experiences of being who I truly am. Listening to intuition has in it that kind of trust in the endless and for me it is the way to do it. I can ask intuition: What am I to do now? So I will be guided and walk with intuition. Intuition, sweet intuition, is the only thing that is stronger than that urge, because it is beyond the urge’s realm of influence.

I already said that all I want is to follow intuition, because this gives me the best feeling I ever have. And so here I go, not knowing with the thinking mind where I go, but knowing experientially the good feeling of trusting the endless, and the kind of blessing that it is.

And to finish the process I did this drawing now:

Calm during a bumpy ride

The earth

Is golden now

And lovable

In the endless.

A bumpy ride

To the All

Reflects itself

In the distant mountains

And then

Expands to no end.

Raking the sky

Passing swiftly

As moons fly off

Along

Just one piece of road

The hand is out in the wind

Raking the sky

The driver

Is asleep at the wheel

Whispering love songs

And running

It is all saved

Again and again

By a delicate tweet

To show the way.

The drawings were done in different times. They are arranged from the oldest, which was on August 10^th to the newest on August 30^th. I chose them from among many others because they represent a direction and because I like them.

Here is the first:

My issue reemerge

My relentless picture reemerged

My heart arises desperately

I am holding it

And it escapes.

Encumbered at the legs

Do I love myself?

Yes, no,

Deeply troubled with

Things as they are.

The second drawing, from August 26th:

Walking in the street

When I walk outside

I suddenly find myself

Hurrying

And as if worried

Then I say

I am blessed to have this experience

And I open up to the endless.

The third drawing, from August 29^th:

The wind of my heart

My heart takes me in its wind.

Before, I spent time

Mainly in the front of the house

At the window

Watching the flies

Playing in the air.

But one day

The path to the house became

A picture-book-man

Coming up

Or coming up and down.

I dirtied the floor

But I cleaned it

Pumping water from the well.

Now I am

Happily breathing

Like the kiss of a good sound.

And the forth drawing, August 30^th:

No limits

This is not a poem. These are just thoughts.

I don’t know

Why I cry

When I look

At what

I’ve just

Done.

I see the usual effort

To jump into space

To disappear, maybe?

To find Mama and Papa?

To find love forever?

To be free?

Home?

To be who I am?

I also see that there are always a few starting strokes that are willful

And soon after them something true kicks in and takes over.

All I have to do is listen/do.

Listen/do is my new way to describe intuitive doing.

My aim is to listen/do beauty, which seems to be what I am here for. It is the gift that I have received and it is the very best, the only real thing that I can ever give to anybody.

And this one drawing tears my heart. It may be nothing to others. Maybe a few will feel their hearts broken too? And that’s where my niche resides.

Or maybe it is: To show anybody who is interested how to do it too.

So, basically, the work that I do involves finding out where I am, by looking in with a drawing and with words, and maybe with new ways that I have not found yet. When I am low or encumbered, opening up and being relieved through my work, by accepting all that I find. I have already written in Part One how good this method is for accepting and loving. Doing it every time until the beauty that I find breaks my heart, and in this way experience again and again that love has no limits.

The main issue on the table is still the pain and naturally, when I work these days, the pain and everything that it is connected to will emerge. Other issues from my lives will emerge too. As I am working with people, I find that this work that I do with myself makes me more open, more sensitive and more truly accepting. I am living my life purpose. I refuse to do anything that is not the most beautiful that I can. Even paperwork is beautiful if you handle it as if it is deep wonder that passes through your fingers.

And this is the best way for me to be free. I am free already when I live like this, because there is nothing that cannot turn into awe. Is there anything that I have to fight or struggle for?

I can stop part two here, as there is nowhere that I am going to. But I’ll leave it open. I do my work all the time, every day and everywhere I am. Maybe there will be something of interest that will show up in the process, and in this case I’ll come here and post it. Maybe there will be many things? Maybe a few?

I love you all deeply.

On August 19^th I decided to do some work on becoming free of the pain. I wrote down in a goal statement way: I intend to have healthy feet that feel good.

As I was writing this I felt that there was some resistance to what I was writing. I asked myself: Can I imagine myself without the pain? I have had this pain, with many changes and variations, for some 21 years. It has become the way I know myself to be. I must be able to imagine myself without it, if I want it to change. I any case, writing the goal and feeling what stands in the way of change is a very good method to catch the resistances to change and of course to dissolve them afterwards.

I paid attention to the way I felt, the discomfort I had, when I wrote that I wanted to have healthy feet that feel good. What is going on there, I asked? And took the brush.

Here is the drawing that resulted.

The broken flow

This is the forth drawing with the same features and this time I started to investigate in a deeper way.

I collected words and passing thoughts from the drawing:

Cells

Wounded or hurting

Torn

Rotten

Exposed

A mixture of life and death

Areas of pain

I did not make a poem. Instead I asked myself a few questions:

Why don’t the healthy, growing cells, take over and close the gap?

What is in the harmed area? What is the thought behind it? 

To this question I had an immediate answer, intuitively, speaking as the voice of the growing parts: I want to connect, but it is painful. 

I looked again at the drawing and decided to ask: What is in the dead strand?

The dead strand is the places where the cells are blue. The blue cells feel the least alive of all the cells there, and I wondered what is causing them to be less alive. I could go to many other places in the drawing and ask many other questions. But this is a process of intuition, and therefore what felt right, I did.

Here is the drawing that came as an answer:

A strong idea separates the flow

I looked at the composition:

The red part stands between two torn apart lines made of blue, purple and green. The red is not alone there. There is a yellow part that is kind of mixed with the red, but they are not really in harmony with each other. The red feels to me like a very individualistic creature, with its own pride and uniqueness. The yellow feels like light. So the uniqueness of the red does not harmonize with the light. This seems to be the core of the problem and the reason why the two torn apart sides cannot come together and be one. There is no peace in the middle.

This too, of course, happens a lot. Any thought-patterns that we have interfere with the light. We have to let go of habitual thought-patterns in order for the light to pass through our being without any conflict. This is how the space opens up for connection and flow. This is the process of surrender to the light.

So we have here the for the first time that the inner world, the world of thoughts, is found to have the same structure as the world of the pain, as you saw in the last drawing of the pain. I could have drawn the pain in many other ways, but it wanted to appear to me at this time in a shape that has something to do with its reason to be.

The next step was to go into the red and experience it for what it is. There was no point in going into the light. The light can only do good. The thing to let go of is where there are some strongly shaped ideas about the self, even if they are very colorful and interesting. All has to give way. The best way to do it is, as you know already, to let the light or intuition stream through the red.

This is the drawing that resulted:

The power of the thought of not having

The writing happened spontaneously and without the need to collect words, scramble them and all the rest of the process.

And it is not enough

And it is not enough

Many, many

And it is not enough

All are closed for me.

Now I knew what it was. It was the feeling of deprivation due to the vow to be celibate that we have met before, in part one. The forfeiting of who I was, in order to become holy, by the definition of others. 

Remember folks. Even for the best of intentions, forfeiting who you are is not a good way to go. I dedicate this posting to every human being who had ever decided to judge herself by other people’s measure, and thus had closed her inner gate of intuition, or her inner guidance. 

And the whole process shows that an issue that felt as if it was done with can come back. It has many facets and it had been lived for many lifetimes, so there is a lot of hurting and ideas around it. 

And dealing with it this time ends relating to the time between the beginning of part two and now. I am free to be where I am now.

I remember another drawing from not so long ago that had some of the same characteristics that the drawing from post # 62 had. It had a different meaning, when I went-in-with-words, but I start to see that something is appearing in my drawings, which has not gotten all the attention it needs to get. It is always so. When you see some pictorial features repeated in different drawings, you know that something is waiting to get attention and be loved.

First I’ll show you the drawing I am talking about:

Coming to life

Then the words.It is not in the form of a poem this time. These are the thoughts that passed through my mind as soon as I finished the drawing:

As I was drawing I knew. This is the time I came from the womb, passing through the birth canal of my mother. I knew she relived the trauma as I was coming into life and I knew that I came to heal her through my own healing.

And here is another drawing. I did it when I waited for people to come to my open evening workshop about the use of intuition. I had pain and drew it.

Pain with a familiar structure

In this drawing you can see that the same colors appear. There is some continuation of blue, green and brown that is broken by a red area. If not for the red area, the other colors would have become a continuous flow, maybe not a pleasant one, but a flow nevertheless. The red stops the flow by declaring something hot and different in the middle. In this case it is the pain. But why does it appear to say something similar to things that showed up in the other drawings? I did not write words for this one.

So what is it that shows up now and wants me to love it?

I have been away for a few days.

Before we left, I did this drawing.

Angry cloud

Maybe I did it in the small hours of the night. It is about pain. I still have the pain and it is in its worst power ever. I also have waves of numbing of the feet and the hands. After a night my feet and hands are numb. This recedes during the day and goes worse during the night. It is unexpected. You’d expect it to become better after you rest.

I had quite a number of grim drawings like this one lately and I come to realize that another memory is arising and coming into the light.

I wrote the words for this drawing only after we came back, and I already worked on some other drawings. I work on drawings all the time, even when I am away.

So here is what I see in this:

I see that there is a big cloud in the picture. I see that it is angry. It is not just raining as some clouds do, but it is raining angrily, as a punishment. It rains blood. But it has a little portion of green in it too, and the green feels to me like a promise that after you pay for your sins you can expect a little love.

I look at the ground and for me these are little people, afraid of the only “adult” presence, with the power of an angry god. They are simple and innocent, and they are trying to escape the red side and go to the green. I’m sure you can see this easily.

I remember, as I write this, that when I was a child, a rainy day would make me cry for no reason. There was a reason of course but I did not know it.

Basically the picture is about a belief that I have no power. There is a big god-like powerful being who has the power to punish and to give a little love. It is mostly angry and it rains on me with real rain and with blood. I do not want to be punished, but I believe that I have no power in the matter, so I just try to get away from the red and reach the green. It feels though that I do not even have enough power to do that.

 Isn’t this the pictures that we all have in our minds in some way, that we have no power, and that we have to follow the rules of some crazily angry being? If we manage to not be caught doing something wrong, we may get a little conditional love, if that powerful being will have a good moment and will bend in our direction so that we can reach the goodness?

For some of us the huge and powerful being is a parent. For others it may be the image of God? Maybe both? Maybe even a spiritual teacher can take on this image, because this is the only way we are used to see those who know, or who tell us what to do. Isn’t this the reason that so many of us have problems with authority?

The solution, of course, is to find all the love, recognition and encouragement that we need within us.

After the theoretical beginning, this will be the first step in part two.

It is early morning. I pull up the shades and look at the flower boxes, where I spread the seeds of wild flowers a few days ago and I am waiting to see them grow. I touch the earth with my finger and feel the love of the earth.

What am I doing with my life? is the question that goes through my head. I think I have two tracks. I go a little bit in one of them, then a little bit in the other and I do not get anywhere.

I meditate for a while.

Still with the sweetness of the sleep and the meditation I move through the apartment and do the morning things.

Then I sit at my table with the paints to have a morning consultation with intuition.

A strange drawing happens.

The golden letter in the sky

And then the poem.

On the wet rocks

He made the mystical move

To celebrate the passions.

He filled castles with hopes.

This was the struggling earth man.

While going to the citadel

Through melancholy lanes

He lifted his eyes to the sky

And saw the letter

In golden light.

Then the tears came.

He felt how everything he knew

Was fast fast going nowhere

And only the love remained

To fill the forest.

I’ll leave it at that. In the next entry or two I’ll bring in a few of the things that happened before this first step.

Tree on unseen creek

In the first part I dealt with what we can call healing. We realize that we suffer and we find a way to lessen the suffering.

I showed you how you can heal yourself and others emotionally, using intuitive flow. I even said that you can heal physical problems, because all of them are results of emotional suffering. I haven’t finished proving it. I hope a proof will turn out while I am still at the blog endeavor.

Now I turn the light onto the other part of the method, which is growth. Growth is made of steps that lead to complete freedom from suffering.

The methods that lead to freedom come from two perspectives. One is the elimination of the issues that cause suffering, which is what the first part dealt with. It makes sense that if you eliminate all the causes for your suffering you will be free of suffering. But we have so many issues, that we do not have enough time in one lifetime to resolve all of them, if we do it one by one. If, on the other hand, we deal with the deepest layer, the core issues, it can go faster.

The second perspective is about ways to bring people to a realization of being much more than our bodies and minds. Once you find out the truth about yourself, you still have the issues that you did not resolve, but it becomes much easier to eliminate them quickly. You still have to do it.

I think that what is common to all the methods of supporting this realization is that they all ask us to behave and do things as if we already know that this is true. The sentence: “What we practice we become” is one way of saying it.

Sometimes when people are trained on their way to complete knowing of the truth, they use partial truth. For example, in the method called Silent Illumination, which is a Chinese Buddhist method, people are asked to become aware of their whole body at the same time, instead of being aware of one thing, which is the way we use our awareness when we think. This is a big shift in perspective, but still partial, because the truth is that we are indeed much more than our bodies. But once we make this step, we become more capable of making bigger steps afterwards. If we continue to meditate, the bigger steps can happen on their own.

In Dzogchen, which is one of the Tibetan meditation methods, we are asked to accept everything that we encounter. The method that I used for a year, of listening to sounds, is like a partial Dzogchen, because it asks you to accept all sounds. The Sedona Method teaches a method of accepting everything. Practicing in this way, we create a habit of acceptance and we behave as if we already know the truth of who we are, which, naturally, accepts everything.

In the “living with a question” method (called Hua-tou in the Chinese Buddhist Tradition), which I described before, we get used to question the reality of everything, until the sense of doubt becomes so strong, that we become less attached to our ideas about reality, and we start experiencing who we are, without these ideas.

The method of intuitive flow also has this characteristic of living now as if we already know the truth. When we become free we act intuitively. We know what to do without having to think about it. So when we use this method, in those moments that we use it, we live as if we are enlightened already. The habit grows and deepens and eventually it will be complete.

The nice thing about this method is that it also heals at the same time. Every time you sit to do the method, you have less stuff to entangle you. (The Sedona Method and the Release Technique do this too. Robert Sheinfeld also teaches a method that does this.)

In the first years when I introduced this method to people I mainly related it to the healing power that it had. People who use this method heal much faster than in many other psychotherapy methods. It is also a very thorough method because it deals with core issues all the time, and not with their derivatives.

So I will use this method to investigate the possibility of going free with it. I will use its healing aspect and its deepening aspect. Naturally, as I did before, everything that will show itself in the process will be processed in the best way I’ll find. Maybe I will end up dealing with abundance too. It is part of being free. The ability to have, if you want it, is freedom. The ability to be happy with whatever you have is freedom too. It is our natural state, they tell us. I’ll go about finding out if this is true.

I welcome you again to my adventure. When you come, don’t forget to bring your heart with you.

We are starting a new adventure.

I went to post this entry about a week ago but stopped when I discovered that suddenly I did not have the capacity to change fonts and sizes, which I had before. My investigation, which lasted all this time, concluded that this capability did not come from the blog program but from my Apple computer, and the last update of the Apple made this capability extinct. I am sure they did not mean it to happen.

I apologize for the small letters. I hope that due to my conversations with Apple technicians, the “bug” will be corrected and very soon I’ll be able to use bigger letters again.

Listening for the call

The call of the now is the name of the second part of this blog. I thought of choosing to do the second part about abundance. Then I thought of making it deal with the feeling of want that I still experienced. The feeling resided in the upper chest and throat, went up to the jaw and to the back of the neck. This feeling left me for a while between the time of finishing the first part of the blog and just yesterday. During these days it was hard for me to want anything, because the motivations of the past did not have the allure that they had before.

When I looked at this experience of wanting, I realized that I did not even know what it was that I wanted. In order to look at it I needed to move out of it, so to speak, and gain a different perspective. At least this is what I thought. I sat for a while and listened to sounds. This was my meditation method for one year, in my first and second years of meditation. I still love it.

And suddenly I knew what was it that I wanted! The meditation method that came after listening to sounds was to live with a question. Living with a question for me meant wanting to know. And boy, did I want to know. This meditation method has brought me a lot of wonderful experiences and deep knowledge. I lived with the ability to melt everything I met in life into a question. Walls became porous. Trees became the bearers of wonderful stillness. People became transparent. I knew they were there only because they thought that they were. Behind their beliefs there was the same stillness that trees had. Feelings of mine and of others were felt like clouds of scent that hit me and I could know what they were. I suddenly found that I could assist healing from far. Everything changed. I stopped doing this meditation not because I did not like it, but because it made me sick. Living in a state of wanting is not healthy, even if the wanting is spiritual. Now I know that this was not a good way to meditate, and that there must be a better way to ask a question. I also know that there is no way for the spiritual to be wanting. But ten years of doing it had an effect. Put me in a quiet state and this wanting arises. Even, as in the following years I chose to meditate in a much calmer way, the wanting did not go away. I can even say that I have found many answers and the wanting is still with me. What a joke. I just learned to always want. My teacher told me one day that I never knew how to meditate properly, and I got really angry with him (which proves that he was right). But life is the best teacher, because when it insists, you cannot argue with it and life compelled me to change my approach because I could not go on as I did.

So now I know what is it that I wanted. I wanted to know the answer to my meditation question. This method was effective, but could not be sustained. Maybe this is the reason why I came up with the Intuitive Flow method. It is so soft and beautiful, and while it goes very deep you never get tense with it. You get calmer and calmer. Even if you are upset you become calm. This is what I needed.

 The call of the now is still being felt.

What is that now, which calls me? Why should I look for the now, while there is no other time ever? It is right here, isn’t it?

But it is not here in the usual way of seeing. Even the word now is an impossible term, as it relates to a tiny piece of time that keeps changing. By the time you finish thinking the word, the now is already a different now. There is no way to catch this now with a method that relies on time. The only way to experience it is by leaving the flow of time and becoming a witness of it. The flow of time is in our thinking only, so we have to leave thinking. Even the term intuitive flow does not make sense any more, if you want to find the now. Every word that we can utter seems to be wrong in this context. So we want to go beyond the words and this is the subject of part two.

Drawing in an intuitive flow and going-in-with-words is better than thinking because it comes from deeper than the thinking mind. It shows us what was the experience of now when the drawing was made, and then: what was the experience of seeing the drawing. But drawings are too things of this world. Drawings can only exist in the world of time and space. Can intuitive flow in drawing direct us to endlessness better than words? Can it direct us at all? This is the issue of part two.

I know when I have to put a posting on the blog. It is when, as I write, the words are snatched out of me in spite of my will, and I feel compelled to put them up. Then I have to follow what I say.

Watercolor box

For two days I printed out all the postings to the blog, collected all the drawings that belonged to them and placed them all together in a box. I thought that the blog would be a book one day. I planned to do this printing and collecting in a slower pace, but something got into me and I did not leave this task until it was done. I read about half of the postings as I was waiting for them to be printed. Maybe I read more. Many pieces moved me again. I knew that this blog is one of the better things that I have done in my life. In the day that I finished printing and collecting drawings, I did not do another drawing for the blog. In the next day I had a feeling that the blog was finished.

I know I will be healed. I still have pain and it is even hard to bear, especially at night. But I know, and I even don’t know how I do, that it is being healed, and some time in the near future I will be without it. I also know that I have found what was behind it. Maybe I have to attend to the arising of feelings from that past life event a few more times. Maybe I have to deal with a few more issues. I surely did not finish working on everything that can be worked on, and I will continue. But I am already over the hill with the issue of the blog. It is not going to be more interesting as a blog and as a book by adding the last steps. 

I remember a story that I wrote years ago one night. I was on a winter retreat and got ill. There was no thermometer in the retreat center, at the feet of the Shawangunk Mountains, but I counted my heartbeats and they were 125 a minute all the time. When we crossed the snow-covered area on the way to the meditation hall I shivered uncontrollably. I took the liberty to sleep a bit more in the morning and go to bed a bit earlier in the night. We were meditating from 5am to 10 pm every day, and I cut off an hour from every end. I felt worse and worse but did not want to go home. I meditated quite well. On the night of the fifth day I decided that I’d go home, because I may die. I had sharp pain in my chest. I was sure I had pneumonia, which turned out to be true. I wanted to call a taxi that would take me to a train station, then, from the other train station, in the end of the line, I would take the Path train and walk a few block to my home. One of the monks said he wouldn’t allow me to do this. Instead he would drive me home, which is a two and half hours trip each way, even with his crazy speed and the empty roads at night. I waited for him to finish the meditation at 10 and he took me home in the organization’s van. I lay in bed and could not sleep. There was a story in me that wanted to be written. I sat at my table and wrote fluently, until I got to a place in the story that I did not know where to go from. I told myself that in the next day I’d know what to do, and went to sleep at last.

In the morning I went to the story and read it, to see where it wanted to go next, but I found that the place where the story stopped was the end. It ended in an open question and this was the best place to stop.

Now I feel the same about this blog. There is no open question here but an open end and I can already see the destination down in the valley. 

So this is the end of part 1 

There is more to do, and the next posting will start part 2.

But before I close the first part I want to give a gift to all those who followed me to the last posting.

Email me your address and I’ll send you a watercolor drawing. It won’t be from the blog because I need those for the book. It will be one of the so many other drawings that I did. I hope you are not too many 🙂

Here is my email: giora.carmi@verizon.net