intuitiveflow

The pain has become constant. Day and night the currents of energy going through both my feet seem to tear my flesh as they pass through the nerves. This night there was nothing that I could do to stop the pain. I could meditate. I did. I paid attention to all my experiences. All the physical experiences, the mental, the emotional, the pictures, the sounds. I do not have many thoughts. Hardly any, most of the time. But there are the very faint ones, running somewhere in the background like whispers. These I feel as if they are traffic on the road. And there are images. The images change pretty fast, and when I look at them I forget the pain. When I see the images, I tell myself every now and then: Let’s see what the next image will be. This is a thought that I have decided to have, so I can see how the images start and end and I can detect the space between images, when I wait for the next image to come.

This is how I passed the night. I slept about an hour and a half in the last dark hours.

Sitting at my table, and I feel love as I am writing this, I did this drawing of pain.

Pain

I did not make a poem this time. There was no need. I just wrote what all the parts wanted:

What do the blue parts want?

To rot

To find more flesh to kill

To spread disease

To sleep.

(This makes me think that the idea of Lyme-Disease may be true.)

What do the red parts want?

To flow

To flower

To move

To bring the messages out

To live with a purpose

What do the thin lines want?

To call for help

To get in touch with the outside world

To help the big red parts

What does the yellow want?

To carry the truth

To bring light

To point at eternity

What does the space want?

The space is eternity

What is the energy of my pain?

(This question relates to what I wrote in the previous posting, about the necessity for energy of nerve pain to be in my system, in order for me to have nerve pain.)

The answers:

All this together

The rotten parts of the flow

The pain of wanting to communicate about the problem

The potential (to grow and flourish, to be free of pain)

Then I asked myself:

What need do I perceive?

And the answer was:

The need for a stronger light.

I decided to let intuition do it for me, if this is what intuition will do. When you use intuition you have to be willing to accept whatever it will bring, even if it is against what you think. But in this case intuition did what I thought. You see, when we are in a process that makes us intuitive, our thoughts and intuition are the same.

When we follow our sense of beauty, we tune in to that level.

Here is what intuition drew:

Light

And after the drawing, these words came, and I did not change them.

A much greater light is coming

It is hard for the body to contain

The body is changing its energy

I should let go of everything

That keeps the old body

As it cannot any more be.

At this moment I knew that this new energy in me was ushered in by Trivedi. Trivedi is an Indian saint who is in America now. I took an energy blessing from him, about two months ago. He said that his energy works on the intuitive level and enables a better connection to eternity. I did not feel anything when the energy giving was going on. But now I felt his presence and I knew it was from him. Similar things have happened to me many times in the past. Especially when I had deep experiences in meditation retreats. Many times I felt the presence of my teacher in my experiences, as if he was watching from the side and knew what was going on, even if he was not in the room. Later, in the evening talks he would ask me to tell what had happened to me during the day.

It is a strange period of time. I am waiting to start a series of workshops about intuition.

I had an idea about financing the book that I have written. I mentioned it to my partner and she rejected the idea very strongly. This stopped me in my tracks. I became frozen for a few days, and like a person with no direction.

Her opposition made no sense. She did not know the details. And yet it stopped me. My reaction also made no sense. I have done things before that she rejected, and they turned out to be wonderful. My trip to Tokyo, where I introduced this way of working with art to an international community of creative arts therapists was one such thing and ended up being a big success. About two hundred people attended my presentation and it had lead to an invitation to write a chapter for a book and to many connections.

Why did it stop me now?

Because I am working on myself now, and everything is raw. There is no protection. One of my sad memories is of me wanting to change the direction of my education while in high-school into something that I could enjoy and my mother’s vehement rejection. It was the same kind of rejection that my partner presented.

While in comma, I did a few drawings. All kept telling me to go on. It took three of them to convince me. When I felt the love that was coming from my intuition, I suddenly was able to catch what had happened. Only love can repair not-love. And sometimes it takes quite a bit of the good experience to convince us. This case in particular shows the power of this method. I was in a state of confusion. An inner program jumped into action and froze me. I did not even know why I was like that. When I turned to my intuition, it just streamed love, trust and wisdom through my imagination. I was able to read it and got my sense of safety back. Only then, I suddenly understood what had happened. This also shows that understanding is not something to seek in order for the process of healing to happen. Understanding may happen in the end of the process, after the barriers to love have been dissolved. Healing has nothing to do with understanding. It has to do with replacing fear with love.

All of these are an internal affair.

Here is the first of these three drawings.

Whispering light

And the poem:

By feeding energy to the plant

And keeping a special light

The whispering ally helps me know

That I am already moving

And will be totally different soon

Not as I am now

Knowing with limitations

But with peace

And light.

The second drawing:

The space between the two

And its poem:

Roll and giggle, children

The space between the two of you

Is full of good things

Venture out from under the skirt

Dream

You do not need perfection

Reflect the sky

That does not keep a secret

Move until you’re tired

Then

Make a tent

Play a bit before you sleep

And sprawl.

This morning I got an email from the bank, telling me that I am in overdraft. I suddenly felt sad and desperate. In the past I would have gone crazy, trying to find whatever way I could save myself. Today I took the paintbrush:

New Limbs

And this is what my intuition said:

New limbs

Always grow

From the most hurting place

And the most wounded

Not from a quiet pool.

Falling down and getting up

From the blood bath

Is what had happened before.

Now eternal light

Is the source of growth.

No more struggling.

I became peaceful. I sat down and started to plan the best ways to transfer the gift that I have received, which is this very method. I had new ideas and I feel good now. I know I am doing what is best for me and for everybody.

Perforated T

I see my mother suddenly in my imagination.

I feel so sad for her bad experiences.

Mom, I say, I think you can go free now. I don’t hold anything against you any more. I know what you had gone through. I know you did not know what you were doing. I forgave you already. I love you.

She calls me in the name that she used as endearment, Giora’le. She smiles. She has a shiny smile. I love you, Giora, she says. Nothing remained in her face from the sense of deep refusal that I saw when I had to identify her body for the Jewish death ceremony.

Do you remember how I mended your old, good for nothing T-shirt?

Does she ask me, or am I asking her?

Yes, I remember. We smile at each other. It was a T-shirt that was ready to be thrown away. It had so many holes. I was visiting her in Israel. Maybe that shirt was used as pajamas.

She sewed the holes and said she wanted to repair it. Her sewing was terrible. She never was good in sewing. I don’t know what had gotten into her. This was a most useless thing to do. But I let her do it, because I felt that she was giving love through this. She had to give me love for her own good. She knew that she had caused me trauma in the past and this was a wise thing to do. She knew that I was going back to America and she was getting old.

I feel like crying now. She is smiling again this shiny smile. If you knew the light here you would never cry, she says. She does not really say this, but I know that this is what she wants me to know.

My heart is torn. There was so much that I wanted from her. There was so much fear that I felt about her. There was so much agreement to be limited, that I took from her. It is not here any more. I can extend my hand into the space and touch it, so to speak. It cannot be done really, but I feel so. I feel the light too. When I put both my hands around the hurting foot, a bit away, sending energy from the palms, I can experience that energy as the light of eternity.

I turn my palms toward Mom and send her that energy now.

I do not need words for that.

Enough with them.

Remember the javelin in my foot?

So when you have such a strong pain, what do you decide?

Maybe you decide that you don’t want to feel the wounded foot? It is so strong that you don’t want to feel it. You’d do anything you can to not feel it.

Well, what about becoming numb?

And what about the guilt feeling for something that you did, and the feeling that actually you deserve to be punished and you deserve to feel the pain. You are not good. You need to be punished.

And what about being afraid that if your foot hurts, everybody will know that you did something wrong? A bit crazy thinking, but the subconscious is like that. Don’t look for logic there.

A nice mixture, isn’t it?

And it fits perfectly with becoming numb on the one hand and having pain on the other.

Also, when you really do not want something to happen, what happens? It happens. 

In spite of the fact that all of it makes sense, I do not have a strong feeling about what I write.  

So I am going to ask intuition: Is this true?

I ask. Once I ask, the answer is there already. Intuition knows and does not need time to find out. All I have to do is draw, following my sense of beauty, not knowing what I draw, just following my inner clues. This can be called living a loving attention.

This is the drawing:

Blood in the water

And these are the words.

There are things that we carry

Even when we come to rest

And be quiet

I am lowering my head tiredly

Soon I’ll have a baby

Who will want mommy’s attention

But oh, so much blood is coming downstream

Play my baby

There is blood on my clothes

And in the water.

When I look for myself there I don’t find me. It is not me. I do not feel any connection, except for the idea of a mother and a child.

Especially in the way the mother tells the child to go on playing, in spite of the fact that, or while she is seeing blood in the water and on her clothes.

I realize that the trauma I kept speaking about has left me and is not in me any more. All that I did before, to expose that trauma to the stream of intuition and the theta healing that I did at night helped. This drawing represents something else.

One of the energy healers I spoke with guided me in finding that I was carrying a lot of other people’s stuff. It can happen. We are empathetic people. If we are sensitive enough, we can collect the energies of other people’s emotional baggage.

Before I started this blog I drew my mother and father one day. I did not really draw them, I did a drawing that had two shapes in it, and I knew that they were my father and mother. I became curious about them and decided to go into them. What does it mean? I decided to imagine that I dive into that part of the picture that represents one of them and then into the other. When I am deep inside that form, as I imagine, I draw an intuitive drawing. The question that I have in my mind is: What can be found in this?

When I drew inside of my father there was a lot of ease, self love and love to others. When I drew what I felt in the form that represented my mother I had a drawing of the kind that I saw so many times in my practice: The expression of being abused. There was a lot of darkness and self-cancellation, in the barren landscape of neglect. I dove into this drawing, to go even deeper and this time it was even clearer. There was a feeling of a little girl, totally alone in an environment of horrors, with just a tiny bit of what I could feel as very dim, frightened self love. I realized then that my mother carried from another life the experience of being terribly abused. She did not know that. It did not happen in her last life, the one that we shared. This last life had a lot of trauma too, but not of that kind. In her behavior, the trauma that she carried with her from another life was felt. It made her do a few things that were totally out of character. She was my only anchor at the time of my childhood. I learned her energy very well, and made it my own. Growing up and being sexual, in that energy, were things to be extremely fearful about. So we have come to another energy entity to give my attention to.

And now, this poem, which I could not decipher before, becomes very clear.

The things that we carry are the energy memories of past traumas. We have them even in this relatively calm life that we may have now.

The struggle to live with the emotional reactions to this makes one tired.

The baby should play and not know what his mother feels. He should stay a baby and play forever, so he can never grow to be in the state in which he can make others bleed.

I have a terrible night with the pain. It is strong all the time and does not stop, in spite of all my tricks. Maybe I sleep a little here and there. Not much. The pain is strong all the time. I sit and do EFT. This is a strong technique and usually it makes the pain subside at least to 40% of its power. This time it does nothing. All I know is that I do not know and I do not understand anything. I don’t know. I don’t know. My mind is blank.

At 4AM I am at my table.

Want

The horribleness of doing

Hides the idea of need

As if this needed thing

Is out there

Belonging to another.

I am surprised to feel the horribleness of sexual violence from another life.

I have the thought that my pain may have something to do with Lyme disease.

I heard an interview with Brent Phillips, A teacher of Theta Healing, who had nerve pain and found in the end that it was due to Lyme-Disease. His pain did not stop until he found this out. He said that in order to get Lyme-Disease, one must have in his energy system the energy of Lyme-Disease. I am sure it is true. Nothing ever happens to us without us having the energy that calls it to be. Where is the energy of nerve pain in me, I think? Can it be that it is connected to this past life memory? As I am writing this now, I have these words in my mind: Yes! Yes already! Are you deaf, or what? But I did not have this thought in the night.

I write more: 

Partial healing is finding a way to have what is natural.

Complete healing is finding oneness.

I do another drawing.

Desire

And another one. 

Desire 2

This poem is for the two drawings together.

Her body is soft

I am shaking

As I walk

Near the bamboo plant

My body dripping

Beads of sweat.

Again this memory..

I do another drawing.

Everything moves like smoke

The energy

The shapes

The emotions

And even the horror

Swirl like smoke

That is one moment here

Then gone. 

You see? Just drawing again and again and reading the drawing again and again creates a movement. The movement is the natural behavior of anything that we attend to closely, while not holding on to it. The intensity of the feelings and the memory decline. The forms of thoughts become formless. There is a sense of relief and of wellbeing.

The next night, as I lay in bed, I listen to a CD of clearing trauma in the Theta Healing way. It guides me and helps me in releasing all the reasons for keeping the memory of trauma. Then there is a release of the trauma itself. I had this CD at home for a few months, but never listened to it. It so happened that the day before, I listened to part 1, which is about entering the Theta state. This night I, naturally, took #2 and it is about trauma. You see how life helps?

I do all the releasing and with a very good feeling, fall asleep.

Another step was done.

One drawing can have two different meanings, and both can be right.

Thoughts

If I look at the composition, it looks like different characters, each being busy with his own plan, work or play. They belong to some collaborative effort. They are different from each other but somehow live in the same space and do some work together. This work is made of the many different parts. Every one of them does his own independent work and somehow it all adds up to a collaborative business. Some carry an empty balloon or space bag. Together they may look like a part of a body tissue, or maybe a busy mind, receiving and sending information in all directions. All this business is very close to becoming an empty space. If just some of them move out of the picture and then the others, having no connections to support them, fall out too, suddenly there will be emptiness there, with nothing or not much in it. Maybe one thought will pass through this space every now and then and be noticed in the awareness.

When you meditate, this can happen to you.

This is one impression. 

Another meaning can come up by going-in-with-words. In this case I collected their occupations, or what they were busy doing, as I imagined by looking at each individual figure. I did this process before I looked at the composition, so this “reading” came first, and the other one, above, was second. 

This one gave the following poem.

Me and my mind

I am hanging out here

You come in a friendly way

I say I am here

You say I love you

I cast a shadow

With a purple light

You slide on it

And dive

Into the depth

I spit light

You dance into the darkness

I direct and support you as you go

You fly happily and magically

Away.

Are the two connected?

Let’s give it a try.

All those busy figures, going in different directions and doing different things, having different characters, all of them together are the mind.

Cast a shadow, and the mind will slide on it.

Spit some light, and your mind will dance into the darkness. It may. It does not always do what you want it to do. 

Every part of the mind is busy doing something else, every part has its memory to carry and program to perform. They do not work together really, they are chaotic, but somehow it seems that they are one mind, serving us with love.

If we accept all this busyness and allow it to do whatever it is that the different parts do alone and together, it will fly out magically and the empty space will be the experience that is left.

I remember a very peaceful man talking to an audience. When he talked, he was very alive with his movements and his voice. He looked at the audience, smiled, asked questions and made the audience participate. Then there was a break. Since he had nothing to do but wait for the second part to begin, this man just sat quietly and did not move, as if he was a sculpture. He had no expression on his face, but rest. After all his busy parts of mind finished doing their work, he stopped giving them energy and his mind became empty. Can you do that? Can I?

All these thoughts come now, as I try to connect the two strokes of interpretation together into something that probably resembles the state of my subconscious mind.

This writing was done as I had earphones on my ears and I was listening to sounds of nature with binaural sounds that made my mind go into the dream state while being awake. At first I was peaceful and almost fell asleep. I am always tired these days because I do not sleep well enough at night due to the pain. But suddenly I felt like writing about this drawing, which I made last night. All these words came out of me in a state of dream. They are my dream. You were in my dream.

Just before I started writing I had a wave of pain and a few fleeting images went through my mind. They were of me escaping a crowd, a javelin is thrown at me, and it goes into my left foot exactly into the place that hurts now.

It came to me to draw the nerves. It happened when I was in pain and drew, of course, without knowing what I was doing. I did not draw the pain as before. When I finished I thought that it looked like nerve cells that were trying desperately to connect and it did not work. They still had a too large distance between them. The way they curled and shook felt like the pain that I was experiencing. The way they got knotted felt like something that happened to them and maybe was the cause of their difficulty to connect.

Nerves, not connecting

Then I thought: Why won’t I draw the nerves again and see what will intuition do.

Painful nerves, streamlined

It seems that intuition wanted to streamline the nerves, the messages and the movement of energy but the colors are still colors of pain. 

I drew again some time later. It still was on my mind, which I took to mean that I still did not finish a process that wanted to be completed. 

More information moves through

What did it do? The messages became richer and varied. Energy was moving through, but with quivering and pain. This is true to the way my nerves are nowadays. I have more sensation in the skin of the feet than I had a few weeks ago. Sensation is coming back. It feels as if the nerves are actively growing back into the places where they were deteriorated, and in this process, the order of how the condition started and became worse is reversed. Places that hurt in the beginning, many years ago, like the soles of the feet, and then got totally numb, are hurting again now.

A few days later, in pain, I draw again and it also seems to be the nerves.

A tense-full center moving out

When I went-in-with-words, this is what it said:

A nerve speaks up 

I am shaking

I touch

And the nerve I touch

Touches another nerve

We fly

I curl

I turn around and hold on

There are a million attachments around me

And they all travel out now

Gathering around a tense-full center

On its way out.

I feel strange. I sit down to the brush and the paints. I let myself be guided by my sense of beauty alone and do not know what I am doing until I feel that it is done.

Living house on the water

This is what the words say:

All I want is

To play in the water

To send light fingers into the world

To give water, to be practical

To give heartfelt light

To fertilize

To enable climbing

To keep it cool

To give depth

To hold the happiness as it bubbles

To feed the soul

To look in

To be like ancient wisdom

To be like normal life.

Maybe this does not belong directly to healing my pain but I don’t think so. I am in a process. I am listening to everything that shows up. I never know what will turn out to be meaningful. I never know where clues will be found. I don’t understand the wisdom of intuition, but I can listen to it and do what I understand needs to be done. I am learning to trust it more and more. What an adventure! I feel so thankful and lucky.

Right after posting #46 I have to move the car for parking regulation. I double park where the police does not ticket and go to the Hungarian Pastry Shop, across the street from the Cathedral of St. John The Divine. I sit in the deepest and darkest corner, and this is why I use black watercolor. I won’t be able to see other colors clearly enough.

Here is the drawing:

Towers in the sky

This time I am showing the process of Going-in-with-words.

This is the book I do the going-in-with-words when I am not at home.

The book of going-in-with-words

On the left you can see the collection of words. I moved my eyes all over the drawing and caught all the words that showed up in my mind, as I was doing it. 

I looked again at the drawing and asked myself: What number should I use, and the first number that came to my mind was 4. You can see that I wrote this number at the top of the list.

I counted the lines and when I came to 4 I gave it the number 1.

I counted on, and when I reached 4 again, I gave it the number 2.

And so on. When I finished the list I started it again, and in counting, skipped the words that had a number already.

This is how I did the scrambling this time.

I wrote the list again, in the new order. And after it was all written down I started to add words, make slight changes and create something that made sense as a poem. It was not hard. The poem almost made itself. I could not know what it would look like before I wrote it, and I could not now what it would tell me, until it did. 

When I read it now, it makes a lot of sense to me. This is how my intuition talks to me and tells me what is the best for me to do with my life now.

Here is the poem:

It is not really a city

Turn around the hill

Among the fortresses

And meet the hardness of life

Look at the cathedral

Very near is the truth of freedom

Not in the erect building

It is open

Your feeling of need

Makes it seem closed

The citadel

Going up and up

That you think you can’t live without

Is nothing but a want.

If you compared what I wrote in the book to what I wrote here, and saw a few slight changes, you were right. Even now, as I typed the poem for the blog, I made a few tiny changes.

This is an answer to what was left open in the end of the last posting. As soon as I let go of the moralistic view, and my attention turns to the core issue of my wants, What should I do?

This is what intuition says:

Don’t get caught up in any of the signs of power. Let go of the wants, which want to build themselves into big appearances. Freedom is already here (in the surrender to intuition. You already know). In other words: All that I pursued, all that I felt I could not live without, and spent so much energy wanting, stands in the way of the flowering of my freedom.

I was waiting. We were in a big Salvation Army store, far away from home. I found a huge comfort chair near the entrance and sat in it. The pain was unbearable. I had to do something. I had my small pad, markers and color pencils.

The first drawing looked very much like pain drawings that I did a few years ago. There are enclosed forms, like stones, being shot out as if from a volcano, pushing each other in a progression that repeats appearing in the same places. And every center of pain radiates this crazy energy, where nothing works with anything. It just radiates and radiates and radiates. The quivering of the lines comes from not being able to control the quivering of my body. I try to make the lines go where I want them to go, but the push of the pain overcomes me. #1

Pain one

 In the second one the intensity had gone down and the pain, still intense nevertheless, concentrates in only a few places. Basically it is where the toes connect to the foot. In some places I can feel how it starts back in the foot. #2

Pain two

 The intensity goes up again and I try to be accurate in the description of where the pain is and how it feels. You can see that it has become more local, but very intense again. It does not radiate so overwhelmingly as before. #3

Pain three

 It becomes easier to look at it. The pain turns softer. It is easy to know where exactly it is. I am not in an extreme torture, though it still hurts quite a bit. #4

Pain four

The pain becomes even less horrible, I start being able to be aware of other things, like the parts of the foot. Then, in-float the dark figures. #5

Pain five

I decide to go into the dark figures. This will happen in a new posting to come. I also wonder about the pain itself. I have drawn it so many times. I listened to it closely. I saw it changing. When it started to be so intrusive I refused to make it into something that will stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do. But it increased in strength and persistence so much that I could not escape accepting it as a major actor in the drama of my life. I thought for a million times: Why do I have this? What does it want to tell me? Is there anything that I have to understand but it has escaped me? Where, in my subconscious, is the thought that has created this experience? Writing this last sentence now brings a stream of faint images to my mind and I stop writing for a second to pay attention to them. I see myself with all my sexual adventures in previous lives, escaping angry crowds, thinking about my life then, and deciding that I have escaped enough and it is time to stop running and accept the punishment that will come.

This kind of thought comes from a moralistic view, in which, if someone does an immoral thing, he deserves to be punished. This kind of thought ignores the fact that the action itself came from some hunger, and some feeling of “I want but I can’t.” This feeling is what has to be tackled and not the moralistic stance of right and wrong. In the kernel of suffering of “I want but I can’t” lies the key to my release. Even if I go along with the punishment view and allow myself to be punished, I do not resolve this feeling of want and can’t. See that? I need to go to the core and not to one of its derivatives.

At this moment I suddenly know, just as my eyes wander to the last drawing, which is open right next to me: The dark figures are my pursuers, the punishers. I don’t need to go into the dark figures any more. I know.

 I also know that many people don’t believe in past lives. I wrote about this before. For the purpose of healing, here in this case, it does not matter. I have these thoughts and images in my subconscious. They are active. They create my experiences. I need to deal with them, regardless of whether they represent something that had happened or a fiction that my mind has invented.