Posts Tagged 'illusion'

182. Father came to visit in a dream

For some time, faces wanted to come into my abstract drawings. It took me some time to let them in. They were persistent.

Someone appears

Someone appears

An eye and a nose

An eye and a nose

Almost a face

Almost a face

A face

A face

Late at night, which is already the next day’s morning, on 4/2/14 I came to my table to write:

I see now and admire the child, the little child, furious and angry, and taking upon himself to punish himself forever for his belief that he killed his father. He came to my drawings too.

 

The furious child

The furious child

I love him so much and admire him for his undertaking. If I had to choose the child that I could be, this is the one I would choose.

But he is punishing me now.

And even now, when I am almost 70, I am not sure yet: Have I killed my father?

I feel the child’s presence in me or in the same space that I occupy, being some form of energy like me. I am him and he is me.

How do I solve this?

My father came to me this night in a dream, very close. I felt his unshaved beard on my cheek, maybe as I did experience in my childhood. He came to show me that he loves me.  I know he does not carry anger from that time. I met him before.

I wake up and come to my studio to write.

Father, did I kill you as a child? Did you die because I thought that I wanted you to die?

No kid. I died because I had it in my own mind that I would die. You cannot kill anybody really. Every one of us determines his own life experiences.

But I wanted you to die so that I’d have Mom for myself. And indeed you died. So from my perspective I killed you.

You are not real, Giora. “You” is an illusion. All the stories that you create are illusions. No one can ever die in truth, because he does not really exist. So it is like a movie, where one actor shoots another actor and nothing happens except for the illusion that it did.

Do I have to be angry at myself? Do I have to punish myself?

No. You are god playing. And what a story you have created! Your pain is an illusion too. In truth, nothing can ever happen to you. So you had created this horrific story. Now you know it is not real. And you know that you are pure love, still playing in this illusion of life on earth. You can choose differently. You can choose to live happily and healthily. You can change the whole story from its beginning to its end. It is like one of your children’s books. You are in control. Change the story. Make it so that your father lived for many years after the war. Make it so that you have lived with a father who loved you every day. Make it so that you are still loving and laughing together about all the stories that you participated in together. It is my deeper aspect who is talking now.

Look at the whole universe that you have created and keep creating all the time. You can change a little detail in this huge thing. You can understand that it was just a choice of the plot line.

But if it is only a story and not real, why would I want to change it?

For the same reason that you keep changing your story all the time. To make it feel better. To experience other experiences in this illusion game. Don’t you want to see how it is to live without that guilt, without withholding love?

It is up to you of course. But we (My deeper aspect talks as “we” sometimes) want you to feel better, so that you will create better places and lives. Your character does not need to suffer at all.

This child that you were in your story was indeed admirable. You can love him still. And you can give him a better life. Let him learn how to be healthy, how to live without guilt and self-punishment. Let him soar.

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122. A soft dark secret

 

A late night drawing:

Soft dark secret

Soft dark secret

The morning words:

If you have

A soft dark secret

That’s how high you can get

Before it starts

Bleeding

Then you start

Coming close together

Out of fear

And even though

We provide a sky for you

You feel that it is limited

And pressured

And of course you hear a whisper

In the ear, saying

Dark secret…

Dark secret…

 

The words after the words:

All that comes after these words is an illusion of course.

The bleeding is a way for the energy to go.

It can only go down because the person feels that it is impossible to go up (the pressured sky). There is also the violet barrier at the top.

The left side wants to escape in another direction but is encumbered by the secret.

The fact that the same color is used for the dark secret and the barrier at the top means that the barrier is about the secret. It says: If this is what you did you don’t deserve to go higher than this.

I know I have to release this. But again, as it happened in the past, even though this is what I think, I do not feel like doing the release process. I have a feeling there is another way.

This was an illusion that I created and now I play suffering from it.

When people speak and do and the speaking and doing do not match, I believe in what they do.

When I think and feel and the thinking and feeling do not match, I believe in what I feel.

I speak with Int.

1. I want to be free.

2. How? What to do now?

And I do another drawing.

Shine

Shine

And the words come:

Let your pain and suffering

Come out as light

It is life on earth

It is part of being here

Open the storehouse

Of light

And shine

At first it will come out

With stones

And broken teeth

But then

Only light will flow.

This is the way.

 

And I said: OK.

120. What do I have to feel?

There is a lot of habitual readiness to continue living with pain, when your pain has been with you for years. There is even fear. How can I live without pain? What will my life be like? What was the protection that the pain gave me that now I will be without? There are many questions like this. But I do not want to go into them today. I have done it in the past. Today I am asking intuition: What do I have to feel, so that I can live without pain? How does life without pain look like, from feeling point of view?

And this is the answer in a drawing.

Bubbling

Bubbling

I am not even collecting words. The words are useful to discover stories and experience feelings. But this is feeling already. I am ready to feel it. In time it will create new stories that will fit this feeling.

I am hanging this drawing in a place where I can look at it a lot of times and every time I’ll see it, I’ll feel how I have to feel so that I can live without that old phenomena that I am letting go of now. I am moving from one illusion to another one that I choose now.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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