192. Desire

Yes/no together

Yes/no together

I have been doing a series of drawings about desire. It just came up and I let it be.

Here is one more painting about desire. But desire is becoming more and more beautiful. And here I am starting to know about the way of coming out of addictions, if this is what you want to do. It is through the discovery of the beauty in it. The seeing that it is absolutely beautiful and as good as anything else, so it loses the allure of the rebellion and stays as one possibility out of the infinite number of them.

And then, once it is not a rebellion any more, you choose by your bigger intention or any other consideration, like playfulness, love etc. When your choice starts to be from this love, curiosity, care, playfulness, which are the makeup of who we are, you are OK.

So I am thinking about the people who will look at this drawing/painting, and they may not know on their own that this is about desire. What to do for them?

The first is to say so and they may believe me. Why not?

Then I’d say: Look at how the green and the orange play with each other. They are not completely harmonious or in agreement. There is intensity in each of them but they oppose each other. They push each other away. But they are playing together here, aren’t they?

And this is typical about desire. There is a mixture of wanting and not wanting, a hunger and a chase, a yes/no, yes/no, which fuels the desire. (A yes/no is the energetic source of everything in our world. Maybe I should write about it in the future?) It is a very strange thing indeed, of a suffering and a satisfaction together at the same time. A want more, want more, must have more, which I don’t yet have, which motivates the chase and the pursuit and the activity.

Then look at the ochre, which is a softer version of both the orange and the green. It somehow connects them and softens everything with a sense of being a human being, a friend, a collaborator.

Then look at the brown, which is like the secretive fertile source.

Look at the shapes of the lines all over the painting, which are softly sensual, touching everywhere, almost tickling. And the whole is a like a strange flower that grew by the rules of yes/no on its own from this mud of existence, which is nothing else but the energy of the universe, colored by us as dark, sensual, lack/fulfillment experience.

Has it become clearer?

So, again, I am discovering the infinite richness of what is considered by some as not so good, has to happen but the less the better, etc.

Looking at this and finding that it is nothing but one more of the infinite appearances of the all that is, takes the judgment out from it. With no judgment, you free yourself from the attachment to it, and like everything else it becomes the face of infinity.

191. Dont worry, go with the energy

This is who we are

This is who we are

I am moved

Because it is beautiful for me

Meaning, Something from home

Love coming through

There is an external story

Of shapes doing

Like, maybe, a tree grows on a rock

Maybe it is turning into a monster

Doing strange things

But inside

In a one two three rhythm

We go from total darkness

To the blue sky

Or a lake

It is ancient

It has always been here

And we have been looking

The outside has muscles

The inside is a whispering light

Of love

This is how we are

And this is how everything comes to us

To see the dark of night

And the blue of the sky

This is how we are.

 

 

Author’s note:

 

Words float on energy

Like colorful mosaic stones

On the concrete

Of a wall

The wall holds everything

The concrete flows from floor to ceiling

The stones don’t have to hold the wall

That’s the way I write

Spontaneously

The words

Float in energy

The energy connects all

The words don’t have

To do the same job

That’s why

My text is skipping

Don’t worry

Go with the energy.

190. What is the belief behind the pain?

Sometime during the night and early in the morning I painted the pain. Here it is.

Pain

Pain

Then, in the morning, I heard a program on the radio in which a social psychologist (Ellen Langer) talked about her finding that it is our beliefs that determine the outcome that we experience. For example, if I do some physical work and believe that my work is actually exercise, and of course if I believe that exercise helps me loose weight, then just by doing my work I’ll loose weight. The weight is lost not by the work but by my belief. This indeed is also what I believe and this is the basis for all my work on the pain. (Remember the “About” page?)

I was not satisfied, leaving things as they turned out in the pain drawing, because every time I looked at it I remembered the experience of the pain.

I decided to do another drawing and the idea came to me to ask intuition directly: What is the belief that stands behind and drives the creation of the pain?

I have done this kind of asking many times before. You ask your question and just do an intuitive-flow drawing, in which the thinking process does not participate, and the answer comes through the art.

Here is the painted answer.

The teeth that never bite

The teeth that never bite

The zigzag lines in light and dark blue and in reddish purple look like wild animal teeth that come to bite the little pencil scribble in the upper middle. They look angry and threatening. In the beginning there was no pencil scribble there at all. It was just a small, empty space. I added the scribble in the very end of this drawing. I call it the dust ball. I think the drawing could work without it too, but it is there now.

Every set of teeth has some cloud or layered clouds behind it. The clouds are where the anger is stored and from where it comes to the teeth. And of course the anger is against this little dust ball. Or maybe it is against nothing at all?

Such a big anger against such a small and insignificant thing does not make sense. And why don’t the teeth come all the way in and eliminate this little dust ball? They can. But the fact that they do not do it shows that they consider the dust ball to be much stronger than the way it looks. If it provokes such a big anger, it must have a lot of power. Does it make sense to you?

The clouds and the teeth believe that this little dust ball has done something that is enraging and it deserves to be punished. But they stop short and don’t even touch it. The little dot feels all that anger turned directly at him and he turns into a dust ball, ashamed and guilty. That’s why I called him a dust ball. He agrees with them.

And this is how things are for years and years, for ages and ages. How come?

To help us there are a few more details in the artwork. There is some open space where there is no anger. The dust ball cannot go there because there are a few zigzag lines in the way. But this area is quiet. There is no struggle there. And there is a figure there. This figure was the one before the last element that I placed in the drawing. I felt there was someone there, watching and being unaffected. It feels like someone with a childlike curiosity and playfulness. This figure is a result of having developed identification with awareness. There is always, in all situations, a knowing that all that happens is being witnessed with clarity. This clarity is the real me.

So what does the witness see and understand?

The conflicted situation in which there is a dust ball that provokes so much anger, that he feels afraid and ashamed, while the endangering teeth never bite, this is the formula of the game that I am playing this life, or at least a part of my game. It has to stay like this, if I want the game to continue. If the teeth bite, the game will end. If the dust ball blows up the teeth and the clouds, the game will end too. So to keep the game going, they keep this dance. Of course, the dust ball is me. The angry teeth and clouds are me too. It is all an invention of a conflict. It is a choice that creates experiences. The figure in the open space knows this.

But there is another way. I can change the rules. I can smile at the teeth, for example. What will happen then? See how you feel when you read this, and you will know what will happen. It will be a different game, won’t it?

189. And do they really not know?

They have lights inside

They have lights inside

At first they were ghost like

Moving in a haze

With intricate

Stories holding stories

 

Now with the colors

Every one of them

Has a light inside

 

And the ghost like walkers

Have a mission

That they blindly fulfill

 

They are blind in the thinking portion

Of themselves

But awake in a hidden place

From which they operate

Unknowingly

 

And do they really not know?

188. You figure it out…

Night. I draw in the darkness with one lamp over the table. I Collect words from the drawing and scramble them. There is a person there, tense all over. There is rain and blood and dirty green. I make a poem out of these, trusting the funny and loving energy of this strange universe to speak to me through this. It does. We speak together.

You figure it out…

Tension in the jaw

Tension in the jaw

Blood moves in my veins

It is

Not me

 

If I loosen my grip

On things

Who will I be?

 

Do I have to scream

To find this

Out?

 

Do I have to tense

The muscles

In my jaw?

 

In the muddy rain

Life arises

From the bog.

187. Fear all over

Fear

Fear

It is a key drawing in the process of my relief from major programs in the subconscious. It describes fear. There is a body there and it is full of small waves of fear. The fear goes everywhere, the head, the chest, the hands the muscular stomach and the pelvis. There are three places where, it so happens, the lines in light brown are darker. These places are the head, the stomach and the crotch. These are the places where I feel fear, when it is clearer. Sometimes I also feel it in the heart and in the legs. But the fear I am talking about here covers the whole body and beyond. It is not strong, it is hardly felt, but it is there always, ready to be provoked.

It is a bit shocking for me to see that after all I have lived and done there is still fear somewhere in me at all. But it is so. This is what is discovered suddenly in this drawing that I did at around 4 in the morning. This is the way my body feels when it perceives being attacked so viciously by the pain. I did not know that it would come out in the drawing when I did it. I was just tuned in to my inner guidance.

When I finished the main structure in light brown it felt good to add pink in some places. These pink lines created the sense of fear. The brown lines described the tension.

I considered adding other colors inside of some shapes, but there was a strong feeling, when I thought about it, that the drawing did not need these. It could have changed the feeling in the drawing and this is exactly what I did not want to happen. I wanted to read the drawing as it was, without changes.

And this led to this discovery. There is so much fear in me when the pain comes. There is so much habitual creation of fear even before the pain comes. Mostly, it is very delicate and hard to catch. There is an expectation in me, somewhere in the big system of my being, for something bad and painful to happen soon. Life is dangerous for you, the fear says, and it arises, to prepare me for the approaching calamity. The expectation that something full of suffering is on its way is so strong that now, as my feet are healing, this fear prepares me for some other way of suffering that will soon appear. It already weaves stories that will explain why and how. I catch these swift, very quiet thoughts that predict that something else is starting to go wrong in my body. I catch them because I am aware. I catch everything that makes an inner noise. But this fear did not stand out because it was very delicate, encompassing all and always there. I never experienced my life without it. There is a tension that I feel in the back of my neck. Every time I become quiet, this tension is created. I was aware of this tension for years but never knew what it was an expression of. Now I know: It is this fear. Every time I got quiet something in me said: Wait, be careful, because something bad and painful is coming at you.

Now I know that this fear is what prevented me from enjoying playing music in front of others. When I was six years old I studied piano. In the end of the year came the concert for all the parents and fellow students. I learned a very modern piece, which was an Israeli song, arranged with very modern dissonance. I fell in love with the way the song sounded and it was a revelation to me. I still love dissonance today. My first beloved classical composer was Schoenberg. But when it came time to play the Israeli song before the audience I got frozen with fear. I lost the sense of beauty in the piece and the interest I had in it. I only felt extremely scared. This was this fear, the fear of being true to myself in front of others, the fear that something horrible will happen as soon as I relax into who I am.

I think this is the key to a lot of suffering that people have, where it seems very hard to detect the source of the suffering. It is something that these people were born with and never had experienced life without it. They are used to live with this feeling in them and therefore it is very hard for them to feel it. But there is a way to find and release it, as you see. It is by getting into a deeper state, which is what I did by drawing intuitively, and witnessing the fear from that state. How come I have only found it now? I have been practicing being aware of how I feel and choosing to feel better. My vibrations rose, and the fear stood out as being of lower vibrations.

186. Two paintings

I did so many paintings from the time I wrote about one. I’ll do a summary of two, as I look at them now.

Here is a painting that I called: Birds and Water.

Birds and water

Birds and water

It was done in a daydreaming state, imagining a place I’d like to experience. There are parts of birds in light brown, some green lines and areas, and what looks like a little waterfall and part of a river. The colored areas served, for me, to indicate different colors of the birds in this forest. The whole painting did itself and I was watching as it happened and had my thoughts like the thoughts of a watcher.

This morning, after having my regular call with my friend, I thought: I have a whole day ahead of me without sessions and without calls, And I feel quite good, after having slept a little more than the usual these days. What shall I do with this day?

And now the pain has come and grabbed my left foot quite strongly. It is hard to use both hands now, as the left hand wants to go down to hold the left foot and help alleviate the pain a little. Also, how can you even think? Some crazy creature is tearing at your clothes, pulling your attention, wanting you to do something about its experience of being tortured. This dream of being in a place of birds and water has nothing to do with this. The joy of delicately playing with the stuff of my life through the use of words, feeling the subtle trickle of their energy through my being, all of this is called to run for a shelter now. The bombs are coming down. The siren goes up and down in your head already. I asked what to do with my time today? This is going to take care of it.

Another painting, done in the middle of the night, got this name from me: Night in the Middle of the City. I was very patient when I did this.

The lake of the night

The lake of the night

It looks like a dream place too. A city that is so thin that if you only scratch a little, a hole is bored in the fabric of what seems to be so solid, and the sky, the deep and beautiful sky, is right there. We float in it, creating our cities and lives. We can create them as what we would love to live in.

The phone rings. It is from someone in Washington. Are you Gloria Carmen? Almost, I say. We are going to connect you to Charles Schumer’s office and we want you to tell them that you oppose the big oil companies as they try to rip the system off. OK, I say, connect me. I have something here that rips my system too. Schumer can’t help me with this, I’m sure. There is nobody to enlist since I am in charge. This is the world that I create for my experiences. I made some choices that do not work for me now and I can change them. Maybe I can change the oil companies too. Don’t they want to live where the birds and the water are? Don’t they see how thin is the reality that they fight about?


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.


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