Archive for the 'Physical and non physical' Category



207. Beyond thinking

The strong part and the weak part

The healthy part and the weak part

This drawing describes me exactly, as I am now. And it can show me the way to change this way that I am, into another one that I prefer, if I feel like it.

It still surprises me to see how well this method works in showing me to myself.

You can say that there are several parts in this drawing. But there is one part that is different from all the rest, so I separate the drawing now, for my purpose, into two parts: the big upper part and the smaller lower part.

The lower part includes the horizontal line in a grayish purple, two strange creatures on the left, a little anemic cloud on the right and even the lower part of both legs of what looks like a child, if you agree to see a child there, wearing green pants and having a brownish head and shoulders.

All these lower components are anemic, so to speak. They don’t have vibrant energy. I hope they will come out with the same effect in the web version of the photographed drawing.

Maybe it is possible to jump in our imagination a step or a continuity further, and to see that the healthy and vibrant bigger part is clearly the winner here, and since they are all connected, the health will spill over and change these anemic parts for the better.

And we can also think further and say that somehow, the lower parts did not get enough energy and they are failing to fulfill their part in the community of the body.

We could say so, and it would make sense, and we could then look for reasons for blocking the energy from flowing into the legs. Or since it is a degenerative disease, as the doctors say, that happens to the whole body, and only starts in the feet, maybe the lack of energy is to the parts that do things in the world, that walk on the earth and that give shape to worldly things. (The hands are the next in line.)

We could go on forever actually, because there will always be something missing from our conclusions and answers. We can never get a complete answer from dealing with the questions only through thinking. Thinking is the biggest limitation that we have as humans. I know that this is a shocking declaration and most people will oppose it. Thinking is our best instrument after all, but only as long as we do not know the bigger truth, which is, that we are not the body and even not our thoughts. We are a consciousness or whatever you want to call it, that is infinite, present in all things, everywhere, and this consciousness or beingness is creating the body and its thinking, to experience creation in a three dimensional world, and to experience being limited but eventually finding the way back to recognizing what we are. It is like sending a part of ourselves to an incredible adventure, in which that part is completely lost, but then, using clues that do not make sense at first, that part finds its way back home, into knowing who it is. That knowing does not happen through thinking. That knowing is not a logical answer to a logical question, but a state of being with wider horizons that are beyond thinking’s limits.

I think this is enough for one entry. This direction will continue in the next entry.

206. So close to the truth

Everything that I used to see as concrete is turning into states of moving energy.

More and more subtle

More and more subtle

I haven’t written for the blog for quite a long time.

The reason is that I am changing and for a while I lost the clear feeling of direction. I would wake up every morning and ask: Where am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going? I’m still doing it.

When I started this blog I was interested in reading my subconscious. I wanted to find everything that stood in the way of the free flow of joy and I wanted to release its hold on the subconscious.

More specifically I wanted to find the thought patterns that created the damage to the nerves of my feet, as you could read in the “about” page.

I thought I had found everything. But the pain is still with me and I know that I am still missing something. Actually I know what I am missing. I need to be in such a sate in which agreeing to suffer is impossible. A state in which word stories are seen through and known to be the illusion that creates illusions.

Some things worked wonderfully. I found some programs in the subconscious that were surprising to me. Again and again I had confirmations to the validity and value of this method that I came up with. I learned to trust it more and more. I explained how the method works a number of times in the blog, and I have written about it more in my book Opening Intuitive Flow Through Artwork. And I wrote about it in different discussion forums. Working so intensely on myself, by using this method, has made me a better therapist. I had a supervision group of art therapists and they learned to use this method too. I did workshops and taught others how to use it. I presented it in conferences and in lectures.

When I decided to stop the public demonstration of the work on the pain, I continued to do the work. I knew that there would be many repetitions as this always happens, and I did not want to describe these in the blog.

But writing the entries to this blog became something that I liked a lot, and I decided to change the purpose of the process that I showed in the blog to seeing how far such work can take me.

I had many glimpses of peace and joy and you could read about them as they happened. After a while my whole perspective has changed. I lost interest in my subconscious blocks. They lost their charm for me. When they come I just release them. The ropes that I saw on my path, and thought that they were snakes, as the Buddhist story tells, turned back into ropes. I still find it interesting to help my clients read their subconscious and release whatever stops them from being free and joyful. But for myself, I am not attracted to these any more.

In time I came to live with another kind of energy. I found myself in awe as I came to be in the presence of infinite peaceful space. It became easier and easier to get there, and my main focus started to be the investigation of this space. Just being there makes you happy without any perceivable reason. I realize that this is what I have to do. I have to be in this presence again and again, as it fixes everything that needs fixing. My clients changed too and nowadays most of them go through experiences that are like mine. They discover their inner voice and inner guidance. They find joy and playfulness when the fears and worries leave them.

Doing this blog, as it follows my adventure of going into myself is still one of the most exciting things for me to do, and you are moving with me to wherever my front line is. I appreciate you very much for being with me on this trip, like old friends.

Some changes have already taken place naturally and I am going on. Please feel comfortable to communicate, if you are moved to do so. Good to have you. Thank you.

205. How can I feel better now?

You are those vibes

You are those vibes

You are swimming in the universe. You ask: How can I feel better now? You sense how the question changes everything in the universe. You gulp it in and swallow the universe completely. You feel how it becomes you. Now you are those vibes. Lick your lips. It was good.

Now, when you start feeling the itch, ask again: How can I feel better now?

204.Everything is of the same importance

Lost in infinity

Lost in infinity

This is about looking up, while meditating or imagining. It is a good idea, and a strange thing too, as in an infinite field, where there cannot be any place that is different from another, there is no middle, no side, no up and no down.

So looking up belongs to the relative world. Some time ago I was advised by inner guidance to look to the sides, when I dive into imaginary spaces, instead of looking straight forwards. It was a smart advice. I discovered a whole now experience. And maybe this is the beginning training of me in getting used to infinity. There is indeed so much more in it, and the way we focus in infinity is totally different. We do not hold a narrow view. We have the view of all.

And when I looked up at first in meditation, I discovered again a new world. And this is what I started to depict here.

Of course, it is: bringing the relative perspective into the infinite reality.

In my imagination it looked different at first. It looked like a scene into which you could penetrate deeper and deeper, passing bodies of something on the way, going beyond them, passing other bodies, and so on. Here I have some form in the middle, as if it is a three dimensional form. You may get the feeling that it is a kind of a giant. You are looking from the level of the knees and far ahead there is the head. Then it may even look as if this head is looking down at you. As much as I wanted to lose my earthly perspective, it came through. I could not get rid of it. In a way it endears this perspective to me. Like a child that you, impatiently, want to convince to do something that is more comfortable for you to deal with, but the child stubbornly wants to go at that thing from his perspective. At first you get annoyed, but you end up listening. If he insists so strongly, you think, let me listen carefully, because there is something in it for him, and it is important for him so much that he opposes me. Let me see what it is.

So who is the child in this case?

It is the earthly perspective. The way we experience and interpret the world around us. There is always a point in a specific place in the space that I know, from which the view is taken. There is also the issue of bigger and smaller, and the world will compel you to pay attention to these differences, as they have something to do with your safety. If the giant is your friend, then he’d rather be big and strong. But if he is of an unknown orientation…

When you look at the individual spots, some of them seem to be closer to you, and some are farther. This is due to the color and the surrounding colors. If you look at the area of what would be the chest, the dark blue area seems to be an opening into an unknown depth. The purple seems to come toward us. And the green is deep but not so deep as the dark blue. These differences break the solidity of the form, and I wanted this effect to be in the art, to confuse the usual way of relating to forms and background. I wanted you to know that what you are looking at is not what you thought it was.

The white parts can be seen as objects painted in white, as we do sometimes in our reality, but also as areas that were not touched by the power of the colors. They have not been swayed off balance to be close or far, warm or cold, friendly or hostile. So they remained points of reference, like the test groups in scientific experiments that let you know how things will behave without the influence of the foreign element that you introduce.

So you now start to have the feeling of what this painting is about. It is about being uncertain as for where things are, of the integrity of forms, of background and foreground. You are still with a few of the perceptual habits of an earthling, but your trust in your reality starts to falter.

And it is fascinating indeed. The fascination will take you through the unfamiliar. And it will take you to where everything has the same importance. What comes to mind in this context is the music of Schoenberg indeed. The invention of the twelve-tone music did the same service to music that this artwork does to visual perception. In the traditional structure of a scale there are more important tones and less important ones. The home tone is the most important, and it creates the adventure. We go far from it and feel uncomfortable. We come back and relax. This is the relative world. We, humans gave the importance to some of the places, because this was our perception of reality. Places have relative importance and everything else has relative importance as well. In Schoenberg’s music this relativity is lost. You are placed in an unformed space musically, where it is hard to know where you want to be. You can struggle and try to reach something that will resemble the familiar home, but you can’t really find it. So you get used to having no home. And when your worry subsides, you start to play. You try to put things in different orders. And you know that the orders that you create are temporary and not substantial. But they give you pleasure and activate your curiosity to go on trying other combinations.

So now, do you have a better sense of this artwork?

203. Celebration with a worry

Celebration with a worry

Celebration with a worry

I started a face, scrambled of course. It started to have features of a bird and I continued making birds. Not so clear indeed. I did a cloud and a little piece of a plant. Then painted, a long process that lasted till the evening, with breaks of course.

I liked the way it looked, but it had some weakness when you looked at it the way it was supposed to stand.

Turned on its side, so that the right became the ground, it looked good, as if it showed a few people standing in a line. But I wanted it to look good the way I planned it. I added the warm, almost orange brown at the bottom and now it is finished. It looks like a one something, big and showing its muscles, or maybe two things, embracing, while something like a fish or a bird is escaping to the left and did not have time to get an inside color.

It is strange and hard to decipher. The feeling is of some celebration with a worry. This can be its name: Celebration with a worry.

The ground, having that “orangeness” to it, feels hot and dancing. Not stable. Maybe the dancers are trying to avoid standing in one place because it is too hot?

It feels as if the whole scene is passing quickly and will disappear soon.

So what is in it for me?

Yes, the ground is burning under my feet. There is some worry above my head. And I dance with whom? I am showing my hands’ muscles. And something escapes me. It seems like a good state to be in. See? It does not have to be something specific in order to shed light on my condition. Whatever it says, I place my name after it or before, with a colon.

It does not matter so much to me any more. In the bodies, in the ground, in the cloud, in the escaping fish and in us the onlookers, presence is there. And presence goes to unknown depths.

202. Up or down

Up or down?

Up or down?

What do we see?

One complexity is flying up in the sky, above another complexity. Maybe the second one is the ground? Maybe it also floats in space?

Maybe the ground is floating in space?

If it does, then this goes along with what I started to experience more and more, that our reality is not so real as we think it is.

In our referential world there is a ground under everything. And if what appears above the ground is floating and does not even touch the ground, does it mean that it is floating really? Is it happy and jumping with joy?

One thing I can tell for sure is that both the ground and the thing that floats above it continue beyond the canvas to the left and to the right.

It seems in both of them that the left side is close to the end or to the beginning. There is less and less, as we approach the left side. So we can guess that if we go a little more to the left there will be the end of the shapes there.

Is this significant? Well yes. We don’t know yet how, but it is something clear.

When we look at the right side, things both in the floating part and in the ground are becoming more spacious.

This state of events leaves the middle area heavier and therefore it attracts our attention to it. We do not pay much attention to the left and the right. But I am used to looking for the bigger context, so I saw it.

The shapes in the floating part seem to be standing, dancing, running and moving. They seem to be moving to the right. That’s because everything is slightly heavier on the right side of the middle.

The shapes in the ground seem to be horizontal. They seem to be holding on to the rest of the shapes, as if trying to avoid being left behind, when everything else moves. If you look at where in this group the weight is, you realize that they even seem to be pulling to the left, back to the beginning.

Now the difference between the sides helps us understand. To the right there is the progress toward the unknown. In the left was the beginning. One group dances to the future and the other group holds on to where they are, afraid to move.

So it is like two worlds, living very close to each other. One is light and happy, and it is going to the future. The other is depressed and lonely and afraid to move. The two worlds don’t touch each other. Maybe they do not want to pay attention to each other. It is only us, the painter and the watchers of the painting, who can see this strange phenomenon.

In the upper part there are the adventurers, the ones who take risks, those who are not afraid to live life to the full.

In the lower part the figures are afraid and in distress.

Within each group the figures collaborate and are of the same three colors, red, orange and purple. So maybe this shows that basically these are of the same kind, those in the upper and the lower parts. But their experience is totally different.

Where would you choose to be?

You see? Suddenly the drawing changed. Before, maybe it was undecipherable and did not speak much to us. Now it is a challenge, pressing you to decide about your life.

It is nice and looks full of wisdom when I speak about this as if these figures represent some other people. But I drew this. Both the upper and the lower parts came from my imagination. So they represent me.

Which of the groups is me? Both.

If I give up on the upper, I’ll be only depressed and suffering. If I let go of the lower part, who knows what will happen? I may expand. I may explode. Everything is possible. We never know until we decide to be that upper part.

But for now I want to tell you that even though these two groups seem to be of different spirit, they actually belong in the same layer of understanding. They belong to where things are different, separate and competing.

So where is the wisdom here?

In the watcher. You and me. Let’s watch.

And if we let go of wanting to be either the upper or the lower parts, who are we? what do we belong to?

199. The painting of the pain

Make believe pain

Make believe pain

The pain was strong and unrelenting. I decided to paint it.

In the stage in which it was a drawing only, it expressed the craziness and strength of the pain quite effectively. When I added the colors the effect became somewhat weaker. The power of lines to affect the areas that they point at, was hindered by the viscosity of the colors and also by the effect of the colors. A body of color has an effect of its own and when you place different areas of color next to each other they influence each other and create yet another effect. All these added effects weaken, relatively, the effect that the lines had when they did not compete with the colors. Nevertheless, you can still see the craziness of the pain, the way it spreads in all contradicting directions. This contradiction creates a feeling of struggle and chaos. The chosen colors also cry out from the page. They radiate energy that refuses to settle. This adds to the expression of the power of the pain and the chaos. When you hold this picture in your hands you want to drop it or put it quickly in a box and cover it with a black cloth, to stop that radiation and protruding thorns.

Well, this is how I feel when the pain is so strong and persistent. And since I do not have any way to smother it, as I would have liked to do, I have to come to terms with it. And the most important part of coming to terms is to learn that my mood is not dependent on how my body feels. I can have this pain and still be in a good mood. I can even feel thankfulness to the pain for giving me the opportunity to learn that this is possible.

You may notice that the painting has this air about it of having been done for children. As if fear, danger and threat have been depicted here for a children’s book. Do you get this feeling?

This is due to this distance that I took from the pain, allowing it to be, and taking care of my mood separately. It is still very impressive in its effect, but its power to make me fear is reduced to a make believe fear. It is like a monster in a puppet theater. Even if death will result, it will be a make believe death.

There are two places where the colors that were used are dark and contrast strongly with their immediate environment. One is in the blue that is darker than all the other areas of color and contrasts strongly with the red lines that are touching it. It could have been an opening to the sky and a window to escape through, but the restlessness of the texture is pretty deterring and the strong red lines all around it make it feel dangerous to pass through. So there is no escape.

The other place is in the lower left corner, where the dark violet made the lines stand out so clearly that their drawing character is emphasized. The feeling that these lines give is more like wanting, longing, needing and complaining. Maybe the pain asks for attention, as love was not given at some point to something that wanted to be accepted and loved?

198. The difference that awareness makes

Programs in the subconscious

Programs in the subconscious

I prepared many colors that were to go into many shapes. But when the painting got to this point, I knew it was finished.

There is an area where most of the colors are concentrated. From there, spreading to all directions, this pattern of things-added-to-things, where there are no filled-in colors, goes on beyond the area that we see.

It passed through my mind, before I started writing, that the most important thing for me in making the art is to look very precisely at the experience of the moment. This is what intuition does automatically but it does it in different degrees of precision, based on preparedness, openness, concentration and other conditions. This idea came to me some time before, when I saw, in other cases, that when the art was true to what was experienced in the moment to a greater degree, the art looked very beautiful to me. This makes “beautiful” equal to “what is true now.” I have found this to be true not only in regard to my own art but in regard to the art of clients too. When their art looks very beautiful to me, I know that it is a very good description of what is happening with them now. Interesting, isn’t it? But this time I am thinking about other characteristics of this state.

When the description is precise, the looking itself releases the perceived state completely. The state leaves and a new state rises in the field of experience. The new state that will arise is a response to my vibratory state. If I am confused, a confusing state will arise. If I am happier than before, the new state that will appear for me, will be happier.

If you look at the artwork again, and consider the empty shapes as a structure, ready to be filled out, but not yet filled, then it is like looking at the blueprint of my subconscious. Every empty cell is a belief that can be activated. For the time being, I have focused only on those cells in the middle and they have gotten activated.

Now two things can happen.

If I am not aware, then the entity that sees and experiences the thing that appeared in my experience is my blueprint. My blueprint can also be called my autopilot (or the subconscious). It has habitual responses. Most of the autopilot’s responses have to do with a not-so-good feeling. It is not an empowered state. The responses are not inspired or passionate. They are just automatic. Then another response will arise to the new state and it will go on like this automatically, one response after another, strengthening existing tendencies and leaving me a bit more entrenched in my beliefs, or less flexible.

If I am aware, everything becomes different. First, the awareness makes the experience beautiful. Then, if the state that is experienced is less good feeling than the state of awareness with the beauty that it perceives, the not so good state will dissolve into the better feeling state. This new state will be the state that invites the next experience, so the next experience will be better than the one before. It is a big difference, isn’t it?

So we see that being aware changes the course of events toward better feeling states.

Now imagine that the area in the middle of the artwork that has colors in it is experienced by awareness, as it does in this case, through the artwork. In my mind now, the state that awareness looks at is changing into a better feeling state. And now, everything in its environment has to change too, to match the better state in its midst. This area around the middle is the whole blueprint of expectations, all the potential “work orders” for the autopilot to operate from. So, based on the small change in part of it, the whole blueprint becomes different and we have a different person. I am becoming a different being. Only my habitual thoughts believe that I am still the same.

197. Seventy

Transparency

Transparency

One day before, according to the Gregorian calendar, I am 70.

A good friend asked me how does it feel, and I did not have anything special to say.

It feels like something lived in this body, that is never the same body, and this body is almost transparent, it is not real. It floats in endless space, which is full of life and interest. Things happened to it. There are many stories about it and they seem to be lined up in some complete version, but even in this version there are many parts that have been forgotten, or that have been told in different ways over the years.

More and more and more I want to feel the endless.

There is a source for all that is experienced now.

196. The Family

The Family

The Family

I called it “The Family.”

This is what I thought when I made it. I started with the figure in black, which is the man. Then the child in brown, leaning at the man and I felt then that I wanted to add the woman in pink. The man is frightening. He wears a gown, like a king or a lord. He is very proud and intense and angry.

The woman seems to be powerless, supposed to support the man but to always be too weak to stand in his way, if this becomes necessary. But she has independence in the area of softness and subtleties. This, actually, gives her true power. Not the power to fight but the power to be happy, if she chooses.

The boy admires his father, wants his support and protection. Maybe wants to be like the father, but he is soft too, like the mother. He makes an intense face like the father, but in his stomach he is soft. His points of power are in his connections to nature, where there is a potential for growth and unexpected strength. He may become free of both his parents with their tendencies. But at this moment that the drawing describes, he does not know yet what he can do, and he takes on the roles that his family and society expect him to take. But the knowing that is already in him, already gives him power that he is not aware of. A small spur of growth would shake the balance in the family, but his growth is not of the kind that competes. It is the kind that is kind and loving, and that says yes to all. Yes, be that. Yes be this. Yes, as your free will gives you the opportunity to be.

Yes..

Is there a dance in this? Yes, the dance of subtle potentialities, already communicating with each other, already allowing each other to be as they want. Already seeing the big and deep picture in which everything is alright and even perfect. Living the pretend life that the autopilots dictate, but unable to stop the flow of uniqueness.

All is good, in the midst of conflicts and obscuration. Clarity steps silently forward to be itself. You don’t have to wait and see. It is already in its best.

A note: I do not agree with the roles that society assigns the genders. If every one fulfills their true potential, they are happy, regardless of gender roles. This drawing describes the gender roles as society sees them, but also the clarity that invites what is unique and true, to come in and be lived.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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