intuitiveflow

The invitation to the workshop that was sent in the day of posting 25 bore fruit. People sent me emails, indicating their interest. When I get up today I know it is time to choose a place and a time for the workshop. I’ll look at what days these people preferred and find the best day. There are other things on my table that have to be dealt with and I find myself a bit confused. Something slows me down. I decide to do a drawing and see what is happening in my subconscious, or whatever my intuition will bring me. You can call it the morning conversation with inner guidance.

Here is the drawing.

The dance of the shaman

I collect words from the drawing. This time I don’t look at specific spots. I let the whole drawing speak to me. Here is the list of words and short sentences that come: 

Driven

Magical

Magician

Shaman

Made of the earth

Made of the sky

Including all

Performing for the tribe

Expect healing

Expect growth

Be enchanted 

I see that I can use the words in the order they are. But I prefer to go farther away from what seems so easy. I want the unexpected. I choose a way to scramble the words and with the new order of them I make them into a poem, as usual. 

Be enchanted, because

A magical man

Made of earth

Is dancing.

Expect to heal, because

He is also

Made of sky

We call him Shaman

He is performing for the tribe

Including all

In his closed eyes

And no-face.

He is a magician

Driven from within

Expect to grow.

After reading this I feel encouraged. The place and time for the workshop will be chosen today.

Things are cooking. I wrote that I wanted to investigate the shapes that seemed to be similar in the two drawings of the pain, done with markers and color pencils.

I thought about this several times, and the pain that was relentless called my attention in a stronger way than my intent. But having thought about it and feeling that this was a good thing to do, made it into an intention. And everything that started happening, I feel, had to do with this intention. I am going into these shapes, even without specifically doing it. Just intending makes it happen. 

Yesterday night I was about to listen to a blessing. There is an Indian master (named Trivedi), who has good energy, which he can send to people, and the energy makes their connection to their inner guidance stronger. This is the blessing. I wanted to experience this. 

I had fifteen minutes to wait and I made this drawing. 

Abuse

When I drew it I felt that it had to do with violating a woman. In this life I did not violate anybody. But I had a feeling many times, especially when I went to long term meditations and became connected to different deep states, that I did violate a woman or women in previous lives. It felt terrible. I was shocked by what I thought I did. It felt unforgivable. Nowadays I do a lot of work with women who were abused in childhood and I get to see how much suffering is in it, and how the strong mental programs that abuse makes us create in our minds, keep the same kind of horrible events happening again and again, and stand in the way of the possibility of relief. This is true for both sides, the abused and the abuser. 

Soon after the blessing, a lot of financial matters came up and I had to discuss financial difficulties. And after I slept for two hours the pain came and tortured me for many hours. I paid attention to my feelings. Waves after waves they came from so far away. Anger at myself, fear of punishment, guilt and shame, shock about: how could I do it?! They were not strong. I really had to be in a very subtle listening mode to feel them. I meditated with every one of them, staying with it patiently until it changed into the next one, and then I stayed with the other feeling. 

It seems that four is my hour to get up and do a drawing these days. I did this one, 

Abuse

and this time I knew that it was about a terrible, bloody abuse and it felt as if I did it in some long, long ago lifetime. I never felt it so clear before. 

I decided to draw again, and let my intuition and sense of beauty lead me. The drawing that resulted was a landscape, as you see. 

Flowing barren landscape

 It feels barren, though there are a few trees there and some green far in the imagined space of the picture. It also feels as if everything moves, almost as if the land is water really. And the feeling that I had was about life on earth, that keeps changing, and is bound to lead to suffering, to intensify issues that we do not resolve, and to entrap us in this endless cycle of going up and down, up and down with our luck. 

How do you come out of it? 

Can’t I forgive who I was for doing those terrible things, out of fear, out of not knowing how things work in this world, not understanding that life on earth is a school, in which we get to become free by releasing the hold of mind programs on what we think is us? Can’t I just forgive? I have suffered enough. And I could. I saw myself as someone else, and hugged this terrified fellow, to let him know that he is loved, and of course he is forgiven, and he is myself. But those feelings of horror still came back for hours and I allowed all of them to be. 

Even though the pain continued, I was concentrated on the emotions and did not feel much of the pain, and when I stopped, I saw that the pain subsided. I also knew that I had let go of a lot of emotional suffering. 

All this happened even without drawing or going into the shapes around the pain in those mentioned drawings. The intention to go there made all these things happen for me, to support my work. But without doing the drawings and checking in with my subconscious every day, this would not have happened. So I can still say that the method of intuitive flow is my grounding method and the way I know where I am and what is happening in me. It is my path.   

It is a day of pain, and I can’t but draw it again and again. A series of three is made and I have them here for you, with the going-in-with-words.

Pain

Cry out my boy

Cry out

Dark and sharp is the world for you these days

Shout that it hurts

And sharp as broken glass

Cry out

We are eating up your hope

Cry out.

Then this:

Pain

The world is pain

From the background of white pain

Comes red pain

And black pain

And pus. 

Then, even though the pain was still crazy, I calmed down in a strange way and did this, not knowing what it is of course.

The old man gets a hint

 And the words:

The mountain

Speaks to the eagle

About the old man

In winter

For whom

The memories of springs past

And of the fields

Of true blessing

Are like the grace

Of a heavy bough

Softly touching his shoulder

To give him a hint.

In this last one and its words my attitude toward the pain changed, on its own, to grace, love and gratitude. Intuition changed it. It is a good change and could not be done by thinking. That’s why it is a good idea to let intuition come again and again to the same issue and give it its gifts of clarity and of acceptance. Having said this I’ll tell you more. It feels that something has calmed down and some clarity manifested. But what is this clarity about, I do not know. 

After this I went to the sofa in the living room and cried bitterly. It was a strange crying. I did not know why I cried. It felt as if it was for something that was so old and far and I was inconsolable.

I am taking the car to the repair shop. I wait for the mechanics to finish, sitting in a café nearby. I have my paints with me.

This is what comes out:

What is around the pain?

And the words follow quite easily:

Open the sky, my friend

Do you see the burning earth energy

As it hurts and shakes the foundations of your hopes?

I am who I am

Yes, and there is more to come

You’ll be reminded of the death of the flesh

It dies as old memories

Come closer, look and wonder

It is time to venture into the freshness

I am making it hurt more

For the time being

Be

A blessed being. 

Now something strikes me. The two drawings that I did with markers and colored pencils have a lot in common. They have the pain in the left. They have a different kind of space opened, They have shapes delineated with grey lines, They have something green in them, They have dark shapes floating in the space, and there is a lot of movement in them. And now I remember the first drawing of the pain in this blog. Remember the green, which seemed to be the only positive thing happening there? (Posting # 19, second drawing) Something is cooking here, friends. It is time to investigate deeper. Wait for the next posting.

Another 4 in the morning. It is a harder night for me and I have already woken up many times. I just feel like doing a drawing. This time I use the watercolors. It goes pretty fast till get the feeling that I have to stop.

Its power is ending

I collect some words and go back to bed. In the morning, before everything else the poem is made, and later a few touchups are added:

The group

Of sharp, short and spiky actors

Is growing small.

They have no more

Long term power.

This happened once and now it’s gone

Disappearing at the horizon

Like an ancient script

That tells of killings

And of horrors.

They were beautiful to tell

With heroes and villains

But we have to live

A different life

Now.

It is 4 o’clock in the morning, dark all around and I have been awake for a while by the pain. I feel the need to draw. I go to my table and turn on the light. The markers and pencils are there. Sometimes I prefer to use markers to draw the pain as they works better for describing the shock waves and currents, which are the texture of this pain.

I feel attracted to the left side of the paper, and as I start describing the waves, I am compelled to go left more and more, until the pain goes out. This was surprising. Does it mean that the pain is on its way to leave me?

I let my sense of beauty come in now. I add the way I feel in my stomach when the pain is as it is. I add three grey shapes that I don’t know what they are. I feel they are some kind of presences. At that moment I break the mental grasp of the space in which the pain happens. The experience of pain shifts from the physical three dimensions to a part in an energetic experience whose space is not the same. Into this non-physical space I add the way my hand tenses when the pain is as it is. Then sitting silhouettes appear, floating in the energy space.

The pain goes out

The process that I just described is how I shift from doing a specific description of a physical experience to opening up to a mystical, non physical space. This is it, folks. This is the way to shift from suffering to witnessing and from fear to wonder. Just by trusting and following your sense of beauty. The pain is still there, but it is a phenomenon in a mystical space. It is not so hard to do. And while I am in that state, my body fills with healing energy. I feel how my body relaxes, and before long, the pain subsides.

I felt the need to draw in the morning. I still need to do it in most mornings to see where I am. This is what I drew.

Hey, baby

And this is what came from Going-in-with-words. 

Baby,

Keep the world in you

Even if you are falling, falling

The world is playful

Even with all the soft and hanging things

The crazy earth is saying

Come and play

Let the soft things push against you

A cloud floating in the air

Will rain

And make a puddle.

Let it be. 

This is a strange text. I did not think much about it except for having the sense of accepting all the experiences of the flesh, agreeing that they be in my life and play. It all belongs to the earth and we are earth too. It’s a game. 

Then I knew, as my plans for the day indicated, it was time for me to send out invitations for a workshop. I have come up with this fantastic method that really works wonders. You can even use it on yourself. It can lead you from where you are to freedom, all based on your sense of beauty and trust in your intuition. It is a wonderful thing to do, and yet I have hesitated for a very long time before I decided to teach what I know. Now I had the text for the invitation to the workshop and I felt fear again.

The first thought that came to me was: I’ll do EFT on it and release the fear. I know it works and people have told success stories about using EFT for everything. But then I thought: I have a good method too. I want to go through my sense of beauty and the connection that I have with intuition. And I sat down again to do another drawing. Here it is. 

Moving from fear to a higher energy

Then I went-in-with-words: 

Going up with huge effort

Struggling

Hurting

Afraid to open up

This is heavy energy.

Once you jump out of it and start walking

The flow starts too

Energies join you from everywhere

Some come from suffering

Some come from love and growth

And before you know it

There is a current. 

No doubt this drawing and these words encourage me to dare, in spite of my fear. To choose to identify myself with higher energy, come out into the world and give the gifts that I had been given. I remembered times in the past when I did things like this, and there are quite a few of them. I have done it before. So many times I stared something from nothing and made it into something that works. I did many of these: All the children’s books that I wrote and illustrated; all the presentations that I built, illustrated, travelled to far away places and presented; all the workshops that I came up with that started from an idea and ended up moving people to tears. All my life is a collection of such things. Yet I still fear now, before I invite people to learn this wonderful method. 

I wondered about it. My memory went back to the previous drawing with its writing, where there is a strong attachment to physical touching and suddenly it all came together. It was the word: “baby” that gave me the clue. and also the sense of transparency or a different energy in the second drawing, in the place where things start to flow. 

I realized that this longing for physical touch comes from lack of physical touching when I was a baby. Babies need to be held a lot. As much as they feel that they want it. And this continues into childhood too. You need to experience being held lovingly, which is like saying without words: No mater what you do I love you as you are now. For many parents it comes naturally to give it to their children.

I did not have much of this in my childhood. My father died in a war when I was three and a half. My mom lived with fear and discomfort about physical touching. I remember her resenting being touched by me. When I saw pictures of my elder brother being hugged by my father I felt envious. The feeling of not being safe, of being too afraid to stand up in the world and be who I am, as I am, comes from this lack of love given through hugging. Together with this lack comes the feeling of not deserving the good life of being loved and safe.

And suddenly I knew something else too. I knew how much longing to being held I still carried with me now.

This is a strange thing, folks, but it is true. The things that are the hardest for us to give up are those that we never had. Those things that we wanted or maybe needed so badly and never had, these are the things that we carry with us forever as lack, as the reason to feel unsafe and as an unbearable longing. So not wanting to give up the hope of being hugged, is like attaching my hopes and dreams to the physical world. This is attaching strongly to the lowest energy, the one that has become physical. And here is the wonderful understanding that came to me now: The pain is another thing that keeps me attached to the physical world. The pain is a safety measure, based on beliefs that I held in the subconscious. If I lose the pain, I lose my attachment to the body and the hope to be hugged and feel safe through the physical world. The subconscious insisted on keeping the pain, to keep my hope alive. It does not make sense if you think about it logically, but the subconscious is not logical. The pain keeps me attached to the physical world, because the physical world may hug me one day. And so many confirmations to this are flooding my mind now. So you can call it an AHA moment.

All this came through Intuitive Flow, folks. Do you see the softness, the beauty and the power of this method? You do not need an axe to break an old habitual pattern in the subconscious. You need an intuitive drawing.

Time passes. It doesn’t really, but we say so. I still had to work on my guilt and fear. But again pain got hold of me, as you saw in the last entries. At night, I imagined doing a drawing of my guilt. It was like a big, dark cocoon, flying diagonally in the middle of the page and then it disintegrated and opened up to a soft sky. Imagining works too. 

I also left unheeded the ideas that the first drawing of pain in posting #19 had brought up; the chance to resolve contradictions in the drawing and the idea to follow the green. These seem to be very good ideas to follow. I do more than can get into the blog. So now I decide to report of where I am now. Somehow, one day all these unconnected reports will make good sense together. For now, I’ll just show you things as they are. And oh, I feel relieved from the shame. It worked. When I think about it now I feel that whatever was there is not a big deal any more. Not my main issue for sure. The fear, connected to the pain, the way the body shows me that it really does not like the pain, seems to be a more pregnant issue to deal with now. When the pain goes crazy at night I meditate in such a way that I find the emotions behind how I shake physically, and at times the shaking stops, I feel calm, in spite of the raging pain, and meet an endless pit of fear. Sometimes this fear jumps to my throat. No matter where it is, I stay with it until I fall asleep. For sure it will be a good idea to relate to it with a drawing. Maybe it will come. 

Yesterday I did this drawing.

Fly or fall

I looked at different parts of it and sentences came to me, which I wrote in the order that they came. When I looked at the collection of sentences I saw that I did not have to do anything with them. They were ready to be read.

I am making a glorious show

Almost falling as I fly

And bleeding at the foot.

I’m going, I’m going strong

In spite of having had a weak beginning.

And I can, I can, I can

Though

I do not know

What it is about.

Will I fly or will I fall?

I love the air for now.

Then I did this drawing, which I liked. It was late and I did not write anything about it. It seems to me that in it the pain and the growth are intermingled.

Fire and growth

And I did this drawing today, feeling very strange and wanting to become clear. 

How can I do all that?

This time I looked at all the shapes and asked myself what did they want to do? Then I scrambled the lines.

I came here:

To shoot, but didn’t

To shout a traditional shout

To make you think you have a hidden power

To hold for all to see

To help you know transparently the source of all actions

To help you be made into a different entity

To provide a roof

From which to fall

And fly in the air

To hint about the light

To love you subtly

To house all hearts

To grow inside of you and me

To see beyond the physical appearance

To sneak up on your dreams

To point at you in space

To make you feel ill until you puke

And to give you a village

To plant your hurts

In the earth

Now, how do you do that?

It is 4 in the morning. I have not slept for hours due to the pain. It is pretty strong this night. I take the little hand-held and turn it on. The little screen almost blinds me. Trembling with pain I draw. My stylus slips and catches the yellow color. A short yellow line is made. I love mistakes. I go along with it and it becomes a little tree. Something is growing, I feel, with a lot of pain. The nerves repair themselves and reconnect to the muscles. This is what I think. I can feel the energy going through me like a strong current.

Pain 1

I do another one. Electricity moves through the broken nerves and pain scatters all around.

Pain 2

The pain intensifies

Pain 3

Still strong 

Pain 4

Then lessens

Pain 5

Intensifies again 

Pain 6

 Still full, but weaker 

Pain 7

Suddenly a woman appears 

Pain 8

Disintegrates 

Pain 9

And appears again, with some dramatic lines between me and her, as if saying: no, Don’t pass.

Pain 10

The pain is about 40 percent strength. I fall asleep.

I am sitting at Nussbaum & Wu, around the corner from where I live, for coffee and cake. I am celebrating my 20^th blog post. There are 21 already, but 20 is a nicer number for a milestone.

As I sit at a table, my foot hurts like hell. I take out my hand-held computer and open the drawing program “Pocket Brush.” Last time I looked at the website where I bought it, it wasn’t there any more. But I have it here.

Pain at Wu

I draw one drawing and the pain is still here. I draw it again, seeing how it has changed already. By the time I finish #2 the pain is gone. Isn’t this so much better than medication? 

Pain 2 at Wu