intuitiveflow

I have a terrible night with the pain. It is strong all the time and does not stop, in spite of all my tricks. Maybe I sleep a little here and there. Not much. The pain is strong all the time. I sit and do EFT. This is a strong technique and usually it makes the pain subside at least to 40% of its power. This time it does nothing. All I know is that I do not know and I do not understand anything. I don’t know. I don’t know. My mind is blank.

At 4AM I am at my table.

Want

The horribleness of doing

Hides the idea of need

As if this needed thing

Is out there

Belonging to another.

I am surprised to feel the horribleness of sexual violence from another life.

I have the thought that my pain may have something to do with Lyme disease.

I heard an interview with Brent Phillips, A teacher of Theta Healing, who had nerve pain and found in the end that it was due to Lyme-Disease. His pain did not stop until he found this out. He said that in order to get Lyme-Disease, one must have in his energy system the energy of Lyme-Disease. I am sure it is true. Nothing ever happens to us without us having the energy that calls it to be. Where is the energy of nerve pain in me, I think? Can it be that it is connected to this past life memory? As I am writing this now, I have these words in my mind: Yes! Yes already! Are you deaf, or what? But I did not have this thought in the night.

I write more: 

Partial healing is finding a way to have what is natural.

Complete healing is finding oneness.

I do another drawing.

Desire

And another one. 

Desire 2

This poem is for the two drawings together.

Her body is soft

I am shaking

As I walk

Near the bamboo plant

My body dripping

Beads of sweat.

Again this memory..

I do another drawing.

Everything moves like smoke

The energy

The shapes

The emotions

And even the horror

Swirl like smoke

That is one moment here

Then gone. 

You see? Just drawing again and again and reading the drawing again and again creates a movement. The movement is the natural behavior of anything that we attend to closely, while not holding on to it. The intensity of the feelings and the memory decline. The forms of thoughts become formless. There is a sense of relief and of wellbeing.

The next night, as I lay in bed, I listen to a CD of clearing trauma in the Theta Healing way. It guides me and helps me in releasing all the reasons for keeping the memory of trauma. Then there is a release of the trauma itself. I had this CD at home for a few months, but never listened to it. It so happened that the day before, I listened to part 1, which is about entering the Theta state. This night I, naturally, took #2 and it is about trauma. You see how life helps?

I do all the releasing and with a very good feeling, fall asleep.

Another step was done.

One drawing can have two different meanings, and both can be right.

Thoughts

If I look at the composition, it looks like different characters, each being busy with his own plan, work or play. They belong to some collaborative effort. They are different from each other but somehow live in the same space and do some work together. This work is made of the many different parts. Every one of them does his own independent work and somehow it all adds up to a collaborative business. Some carry an empty balloon or space bag. Together they may look like a part of a body tissue, or maybe a busy mind, receiving and sending information in all directions. All this business is very close to becoming an empty space. If just some of them move out of the picture and then the others, having no connections to support them, fall out too, suddenly there will be emptiness there, with nothing or not much in it. Maybe one thought will pass through this space every now and then and be noticed in the awareness.

When you meditate, this can happen to you.

This is one impression. 

Another meaning can come up by going-in-with-words. In this case I collected their occupations, or what they were busy doing, as I imagined by looking at each individual figure. I did this process before I looked at the composition, so this “reading” came first, and the other one, above, was second. 

This one gave the following poem.

Me and my mind

I am hanging out here

You come in a friendly way

I say I am here

You say I love you

I cast a shadow

With a purple light

You slide on it

And dive

Into the depth

I spit light

You dance into the darkness

I direct and support you as you go

You fly happily and magically

Away.

Are the two connected?

Let’s give it a try.

All those busy figures, going in different directions and doing different things, having different characters, all of them together are the mind.

Cast a shadow, and the mind will slide on it.

Spit some light, and your mind will dance into the darkness. It may. It does not always do what you want it to do. 

Every part of the mind is busy doing something else, every part has its memory to carry and program to perform. They do not work together really, they are chaotic, but somehow it seems that they are one mind, serving us with love.

If we accept all this busyness and allow it to do whatever it is that the different parts do alone and together, it will fly out magically and the empty space will be the experience that is left.

I remember a very peaceful man talking to an audience. When he talked, he was very alive with his movements and his voice. He looked at the audience, smiled, asked questions and made the audience participate. Then there was a break. Since he had nothing to do but wait for the second part to begin, this man just sat quietly and did not move, as if he was a sculpture. He had no expression on his face, but rest. After all his busy parts of mind finished doing their work, he stopped giving them energy and his mind became empty. Can you do that? Can I?

All these thoughts come now, as I try to connect the two strokes of interpretation together into something that probably resembles the state of my subconscious mind.

This writing was done as I had earphones on my ears and I was listening to sounds of nature with binaural sounds that made my mind go into the dream state while being awake. At first I was peaceful and almost fell asleep. I am always tired these days because I do not sleep well enough at night due to the pain. But suddenly I felt like writing about this drawing, which I made last night. All these words came out of me in a state of dream. They are my dream. You were in my dream.

Just before I started writing I had a wave of pain and a few fleeting images went through my mind. They were of me escaping a crowd, a javelin is thrown at me, and it goes into my left foot exactly into the place that hurts now.

It came to me to draw the nerves. It happened when I was in pain and drew, of course, without knowing what I was doing. I did not draw the pain as before. When I finished I thought that it looked like nerve cells that were trying desperately to connect and it did not work. They still had a too large distance between them. The way they curled and shook felt like the pain that I was experiencing. The way they got knotted felt like something that happened to them and maybe was the cause of their difficulty to connect.

Nerves, not connecting

Then I thought: Why won’t I draw the nerves again and see what will intuition do.

Painful nerves, streamlined

It seems that intuition wanted to streamline the nerves, the messages and the movement of energy but the colors are still colors of pain. 

I drew again some time later. It still was on my mind, which I took to mean that I still did not finish a process that wanted to be completed. 

More information moves through

What did it do? The messages became richer and varied. Energy was moving through, but with quivering and pain. This is true to the way my nerves are nowadays. I have more sensation in the skin of the feet than I had a few weeks ago. Sensation is coming back. It feels as if the nerves are actively growing back into the places where they were deteriorated, and in this process, the order of how the condition started and became worse is reversed. Places that hurt in the beginning, many years ago, like the soles of the feet, and then got totally numb, are hurting again now.

A few days later, in pain, I draw again and it also seems to be the nerves.

A tense-full center moving out

When I went-in-with-words, this is what it said:

A nerve speaks up 

I am shaking

I touch

And the nerve I touch

Touches another nerve

We fly

I curl

I turn around and hold on

There are a million attachments around me

And they all travel out now

Gathering around a tense-full center

On its way out.

I feel strange. I sit down to the brush and the paints. I let myself be guided by my sense of beauty alone and do not know what I am doing until I feel that it is done.

Living house on the water

This is what the words say:

All I want is

To play in the water

To send light fingers into the world

To give water, to be practical

To give heartfelt light

To fertilize

To enable climbing

To keep it cool

To give depth

To hold the happiness as it bubbles

To feed the soul

To look in

To be like ancient wisdom

To be like normal life.

Maybe this does not belong directly to healing my pain but I don’t think so. I am in a process. I am listening to everything that shows up. I never know what will turn out to be meaningful. I never know where clues will be found. I don’t understand the wisdom of intuition, but I can listen to it and do what I understand needs to be done. I am learning to trust it more and more. What an adventure! I feel so thankful and lucky.

Right after posting #46 I have to move the car for parking regulation. I double park where the police does not ticket and go to the Hungarian Pastry Shop, across the street from the Cathedral of St. John The Divine. I sit in the deepest and darkest corner, and this is why I use black watercolor. I won’t be able to see other colors clearly enough.

Here is the drawing:

Towers in the sky

This time I am showing the process of Going-in-with-words.

This is the book I do the going-in-with-words when I am not at home.

The book of going-in-with-words

On the left you can see the collection of words. I moved my eyes all over the drawing and caught all the words that showed up in my mind, as I was doing it. 

I looked again at the drawing and asked myself: What number should I use, and the first number that came to my mind was 4. You can see that I wrote this number at the top of the list.

I counted the lines and when I came to 4 I gave it the number 1.

I counted on, and when I reached 4 again, I gave it the number 2.

And so on. When I finished the list I started it again, and in counting, skipped the words that had a number already.

This is how I did the scrambling this time.

I wrote the list again, in the new order. And after it was all written down I started to add words, make slight changes and create something that made sense as a poem. It was not hard. The poem almost made itself. I could not know what it would look like before I wrote it, and I could not now what it would tell me, until it did. 

When I read it now, it makes a lot of sense to me. This is how my intuition talks to me and tells me what is the best for me to do with my life now.

Here is the poem:

It is not really a city

Turn around the hill

Among the fortresses

And meet the hardness of life

Look at the cathedral

Very near is the truth of freedom

Not in the erect building

It is open

Your feeling of need

Makes it seem closed

The citadel

Going up and up

That you think you can’t live without

Is nothing but a want.

If you compared what I wrote in the book to what I wrote here, and saw a few slight changes, you were right. Even now, as I typed the poem for the blog, I made a few tiny changes.

This is an answer to what was left open in the end of the last posting. As soon as I let go of the moralistic view, and my attention turns to the core issue of my wants, What should I do?

This is what intuition says:

Don’t get caught up in any of the signs of power. Let go of the wants, which want to build themselves into big appearances. Freedom is already here (in the surrender to intuition. You already know). In other words: All that I pursued, all that I felt I could not live without, and spent so much energy wanting, stands in the way of the flowering of my freedom.

I was waiting. We were in a big Salvation Army store, far away from home. I found a huge comfort chair near the entrance and sat in it. The pain was unbearable. I had to do something. I had my small pad, markers and color pencils.

The first drawing looked very much like pain drawings that I did a few years ago. There are enclosed forms, like stones, being shot out as if from a volcano, pushing each other in a progression that repeats appearing in the same places. And every center of pain radiates this crazy energy, where nothing works with anything. It just radiates and radiates and radiates. The quivering of the lines comes from not being able to control the quivering of my body. I try to make the lines go where I want them to go, but the push of the pain overcomes me. #1

Pain one

 In the second one the intensity had gone down and the pain, still intense nevertheless, concentrates in only a few places. Basically it is where the toes connect to the foot. In some places I can feel how it starts back in the foot. #2

Pain two

 The intensity goes up again and I try to be accurate in the description of where the pain is and how it feels. You can see that it has become more local, but very intense again. It does not radiate so overwhelmingly as before. #3

Pain three

 It becomes easier to look at it. The pain turns softer. It is easy to know where exactly it is. I am not in an extreme torture, though it still hurts quite a bit. #4

Pain four

The pain becomes even less horrible, I start being able to be aware of other things, like the parts of the foot. Then, in-float the dark figures. #5

Pain five

I decide to go into the dark figures. This will happen in a new posting to come. I also wonder about the pain itself. I have drawn it so many times. I listened to it closely. I saw it changing. When it started to be so intrusive I refused to make it into something that will stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do. But it increased in strength and persistence so much that I could not escape accepting it as a major actor in the drama of my life. I thought for a million times: Why do I have this? What does it want to tell me? Is there anything that I have to understand but it has escaped me? Where, in my subconscious, is the thought that has created this experience? Writing this last sentence now brings a stream of faint images to my mind and I stop writing for a second to pay attention to them. I see myself with all my sexual adventures in previous lives, escaping angry crowds, thinking about my life then, and deciding that I have escaped enough and it is time to stop running and accept the punishment that will come.

This kind of thought comes from a moralistic view, in which, if someone does an immoral thing, he deserves to be punished. This kind of thought ignores the fact that the action itself came from some hunger, and some feeling of “I want but I can’t.” This feeling is what has to be tackled and not the moralistic stance of right and wrong. In the kernel of suffering of “I want but I can’t” lies the key to my release. Even if I go along with the punishment view and allow myself to be punished, I do not resolve this feeling of want and can’t. See that? I need to go to the core and not to one of its derivatives.

At this moment I suddenly know, just as my eyes wander to the last drawing, which is open right next to me: The dark figures are my pursuers, the punishers. I don’t need to go into the dark figures any more. I know.

 I also know that many people don’t believe in past lives. I wrote about this before. For the purpose of healing, here in this case, it does not matter. I have these thoughts and images in my subconscious. They are active. They create my experiences. I need to deal with them, regardless of whether they represent something that had happened or a fiction that my mind has invented.

We are visiting our grandchild, Luca, for two days. He is eight weeks old and very sweet.

The pain prevents me from walking, when everybody walks on the beach. I do some drawings while there. One of them seems more significant:

A daring muscle

The words:

Here is a daring muscle

Pushing something away

But that thing says

You don’t want to go there.

A bat flies very close suddenly

He has just swallowed something

And as he leaves

I am alone again

With a forced smile

I remember from my training

To aim and block at the same time

The night grows dark violet

And as in all nights

My throat feels stretched.

As soon as I finish I jot down fast:

The muscle is me.

The no is about sex.

The bat is those for whom there is no “no.”

Forced smile is pretending everything is OK.

Block and aim is a feeling of a need for protection.

The throat thing is still there.

This is one thing.

The second is the pain, which is becoming stronger and more insistent. At night, when the pain increases, and my whole body shakes and becomes tense, I tell myself: Go deeper, go deeper. Then I imagine growing my aura more and more, and I start feeling that I am the aura. I start seeing things in the environment and then farther and farther away. When I identify with the aura even more, the body relaxes suddenly and becomes loose.

When I stay in this state longer, I start seeing that in my imagination the environment that I see changes from beautiful and pleasant to horrible, then back to beautiful and so on, back and forth.

Sometimes I draw the pain during the day. I’ll show you two series. In the first of the two, I just drew the pain, it kept changing, and in the last drawing the dark figures appeared again, as in postings #26 and #28.

In the second series I painted the nerves. I’ll say more when I show the pictures.

These are the things to dive into now: The neck thing, the figures that appear in the background of the pain and the nerves.

I’ll show the two pain related series in the next two postings.

(The workshop was successful. I did many workshops or presentations before. I always prepared well and knew what I would say and do. I always left enough things undecided, so that intuition will be able to come into the talking and doing too. But I also had worries about success, about people loving me in the end, about being successful and many more worries. This time, when I had worries I also had the feeling that this was not about me at all. I was in service of something bigger than me, that I was in touch with. I knew, from all the communications with my intuition before the workshop, that it was going to be good, and that this was what I needed to do, if I wanted to trust intuition. And when the workshop was in process I felt as if I was not there at all. Yes, there was this body there, and even all the mental structures and reactions that are still active, but this was not about that. It was about transferring something that came through me, and I had to move it on to the participants. It felt so strange not to be worried in this way.

I also noticed that when I did the presentation, in the beginning of the workshop, I used words and ways of explaining that I have never used before. I did not prepare for them. They just came to my mouth. I knew what to do every time something had to be done.

My life partner, Anita helped me arrange the place and collect the payments. The checks and the money bills were in a folder, and almost fell out when we ate somewhere, before going home. In the next day I found the money in the folder and counted it. It was not much, for all the work that I had done to prepare, especially considering the payments for the space and for the paper. I wanted to have good paper and a good place.

Suddenly, as I was looking at the money I felt the fume of sweetness infuses itself throughout my being. This was the sweetest money I have ever made. Once I stepped up to where I had to be, doing what life wanted me to do, everything that came back to me was sweet. This includes, of course, the fact that most of the participants want to continue and learn more.

I want to tell you folks: Follow your intuition. Nothing compares to this feeling. I already know:

There will be many people who know how to work with intuition, and many more healed people in the world.)

The day after the eight drawings day I did two drawings related to the feeling in the throat. Here is the first: 

The water with the red and the black

And here are the words:

The light is behind it always.

Look at me mommy

What is it?

The water that was good and strong

The water that we admired

Is dead.

Something horrible happened

Is it something in my mommy’s memories?

What I craved

And the light is behind it always

And what I am growing into

Has gotten red and black

As if, as soon as I want to grow

Something hits the glee of growing

What is it?

What is it that is bleeding?

Why do the water have blood and darkness?

I immediately started another drawing. This one was totally different.

Here it is:

Explosion of growth

And the wording of it:

The apple blooms

It hurts as it does

It has to push away the cold

It has to push through pain

And then it becomes

Beautiful

Soft

Surprising

Huge

Powerful

Free.

This time, unpredictably, it took only two drawings to come to wonder.

This is drawing #2. Number one of the day was described in the previous posting.

Once I decided to free my throat, I did this drawing. I focused on the feeling of the pressure on my thyroid gland and allowed intuition to draw.

The pressure on my thyroid

I looked at the forms in the drawing and asked what they wanted or what they did.

You know the drill. Here is the final text:

If you want to be a bone for someone else to chew on

Go hide in a pit

Whisper in someone’s ear without a bold move

Hug someone as a scared child, wanting help

Dream about sex

Preach with hand gestures

Cry as a dog to the moon

And look down, as if you are a cloud

Looking for a place to pour your water.

I did not have to think more about these words. I leave it up to you if you want to do it. Instead of playing more with words or trying to figure out what the words meant, I could draw again. I felt an emotional upset and drawing was a better thing to do than thinking. This is drawing #3.

Upset and confused

And here are the words:

Feeling insufficient

And struggling, he gets tired

And ends up feeling heavy.

But what is the alternative?

Being angrily alive?

It is cloudy and grey

Over the barren land.

You know what it is that I was doing, right? I was not going to stop drawing and writing until my mood, when I look at my last drawing, changes to wonder. And at this moment I was angry. Once you start the process the emotions change from one to another, and you never know what you’ll find in your next drawing until you make it. It is a good and healthy process, by which you can learn about your subconscious habits in fighting against change. Look at how my subconscious fights. And all I do is streaming intuition again and again through me to see what is going on. Every time you witness something from the intuitive flow perspective, it changes. It is a good thing to know. And because intuition is loving and knowing, the changes are toward freedom from suffering. It may not look so at first, because as one emotion is dislodged, another one pops up. But this happens in a wise order, and as you let every emotion be experienced and witnessed, they all go eventually and leave you free, at least for a while. Then you have to do it again. Chances are that in the second time the process will be shorter.

Here is drawing #4:

Naughty children

This was a strange one. All the figures looked like bad children who behave in annoying ways to get attention. Here are the words that came:

A man walks unevenly, making strange signs with his hand

The dog is waiting to be commanded

To perform a mischief

A tree bough pretends to be a giraffe

A white cat, browned by mud hangs upside down

A huge bird lands heavily

Her tail is a man, swimming backward

And a flower leans back in amazement

All things bold and crazy.

That’s the child, wanting attention. It means that at some point there was a need for unconditional love that was not given. Becoming obsessed with this happens to so many people. This search can never be satisfied.

Then #5:

Imagined aggression

And the words:

He was big and pushy

Moving through everything

Expecting to be loved

Expecting the water to come

And make the blood forgotten

But in the dark alleys

Of the soot covered city

People talked

With the blood in their heads.

#6:

Something breaks through

Like air rushing with excitement

Pushing aside everything around it

Like a disordered flower

Breaking through

A delicate village

And a tree

Both with the alarm lights

Turned on.

Clearly something is happening here. Something new is breaking through, but I feel I haven’t come to a place of peace yet.

So I draw #7:

A new structure fighting to be

And the words:

I’m organized

I’m stable

I’m growing a strong structure

Aggressively

Each part supports the other

Till they turn

More and more

Airy.

I was very surprised when this drawing came into being. I remembered a patient who, in her last session explored an aggressive feeling that she had. She was about to start her own business, and felt she needed some aggression. All we did was to allow the sense of beauty build her aggression in the most beautiful way, so it will also be loving and harmonious with her intuition.

I wanted to do at least one more step, as I felt I did not want to leave the process with aggression. This was a more positive feeling than all of the previous ones, but I felt the need to go on.

Here s the last drawing, # 8:

The wonder starts

And its words:

And then

A very delicate

And slightly injured

Structure of light

Appeared

A different kind of being

Supported by

The space.

At this time it was late, and I agreed with myself that I could leave the process for now. It took a day, from morning to night. I knew it has not ended yet. But it was definitely a much better place than the beginning. I also knew where it was going. It was toward moving my identification away from the physical world and the personality to the ever–present awareness. The next drawing would have been an empty page.

This is how you can stream intuition through an energetic blockage again and again, as it goes through changes. At some point enough habitual patterns are released, so that the natural light starts to shine.

Let’s see what were the changes:

1. (In the previous posting) A feeling that a new front is coming and a change is about to happen. The old habits prepare to fight.

2. Feelings of being a victim and being confused.

3. A repetitious sense of fight or flight, accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness.

4. A feeling of not being loved and seeking attention rebelliously.

5. Aggression, or maybe sexual aggression.

6. A feeling that something new and fresh, though not orderly, is coming through the habitual patterns that exist now. The current paradigm is breaking apart and is alarmed.

7. Feeling the need for some aggression, to support the growth of something new and beautiful.

8. A shift starts to happen towards the wondrous.