intuitiveflow

Walking meditation

I was a Chinese monk. Many years ago, before this lifetime, I was a Chinese Buddhist monk. I saw myself in deep meditation as one. In the vision, I was doing walking meditation, which is a way to learn to be deeply aware even when we are in action.

By the way: According to Anat Baniel, as written in her book: “Move into life”, (Harmony Books, New York), when we move slowly with awareness, the brain creates many new connections, and rearranges its pathways of information. A whole better level of vitality ensues, just from doing this. Even happiness and creativity improve from just doing this.

When I asked energy healers to help me heal, two of them saw that I was a monk in China, and they knew one more important thing. They knew that I took the vow of celibacy. Even nowadays, if you want to be a Buddhist monk in the Chinese tradition, you need to take this vow.

At the time when I did it, it may have been a sign of determination and dedication to the path of freedom from all limitations. Until today I have the tendency to jump into decisions that are very challenging, just because I feel beauty in them (Look at this blog). I did not take that vow because I was free of sexual desire or in such a deep state that compared to this state’s deep peace and fulfillment, sex was not as attractive and compelling as it is for us normally. So there had to be a degree of suppression involved in this decision to be celibate. This vow remained with me through lives after lives and interfered with the normal movement of sexual energy. If I wanted to have sex, I felt that I was doing something wrong, that I betrayed my teachers, and that I had to be ashamed for wanting it.

Throughout my life, soon after having sex, I had visions of a furious mob coming to kill me. This may belong to other sexual adventures I had in other lives. When I did regression to former lives to find events that had to do with my pain, I saw myself being chased by a mob for having seen the naked queen somewhere. One person threw a javelin at me and it penetrated my foot exactly where I have the pain now.

I know that many people do not believe in reincarnation and they are right, because they have not seen it, and it is hard to find a proof for it. I have seen my previous lives in meditation so for me it is not a big deal. But I want to make something clear. It is not necessary to believe in reincarnation, in order to have or do good therapy. This is my process here, and these are the things that come up for me.

The screen and what's behind it

 And still I did not tell you what I saw in that third drawing. So here it is.

Obviously there is a screen like thing that stands between the viewer, and what is happening in a deeper level of the picture. This is easy to see. The ease of seeing is a natural product of working with intuitive flow. It creates clarity, because thinking does not interfere with its process.

To me, even without going-in-with-words, it has become clear that there is a whole busy layer of thought patterns that create constant buzz, and tries to prevent me from clearly seeing what is inside, and is more important. So since what is inside is more important, why won’t we just not deal with this shallow layer that is in the way, and look through it? If we resolve the deeper layer, this screen will fall down on its own anyway. It will not be needed.

 What I see there is a conflicted feeling about sex. The three shapes for me were penises. Two, hesitatingly came in green, which for me feels healthy and normal. One, the bigger, is grey and gives a feeling of heaviness, gloominess, discomfort, only a shadow and not the thing itself. So here you have it.

And two stories have to come now. One is about something that happened long, long ago (Entry 14). The other is about a healing session with two white eagles (Entry 15).

And again: what is the logic behind doing all that I am doing here on this blog?

The body automatically heals itself if nothing stops it from doing it. The body actually is being created all the time from nothingness. It has a blueprint structure that it wants to adhere to. This blueprint is energetic and it is the way this body can be if everything is OK. But usually not everything is OK. We have a lot of hidden mental processes that contradict the blueprint. So the energy of creation is forced to go in different ways than the ideal and we start having problems with the body. My pain is the result of unsettled thought patterns that contradict my blueprint. I am searching in my subconscious for everything that is not settled and I allow these conflicts to dissolve and disappear. One day I’ll hit on the right one, or maybe it will be an accumulation of many such unsettled thought patterns, and suddenly the energy of creation will stream perfectly through my system and the pain will disappear.

I want to show through this blog that this is true, that it works and that it is beautiful.

Near and far

I owe you going back to this drawing. It was made as a third interpretation of what was in that empty space, where the blue lines did not enter.

Remember, I was not satisfied with the first drawing, but I went into it with words anyway. I felt a bit better when I did the second drawing. But only after I did this one I felt that I could rest. In fact, only by coming to this satisfaction was I able to look back at drawing number one and do the intuitive wording game with it.

This process, on its own, is healing, even without any words or observations made. The reason is that this process, of going from being dissatisfied by what I drew to being satisfied is, as I see it, is a search for the beautiful. It is not for the idea of beauty or any philosophical claim. It is not even for something that is true for everybody. No. It is searching for my own beauty. It is a worthwhile search. Only when my sense of beauty, relating to the space inside of that bunch of blue confused lines, was fulfilled, I knew that something good happened and I felt satisfaction.

The trip I took through these three images is from being involved in the emotions to being involved in being a witness, meaning, being in a deeper state, seeing whatever is there in the subconscious, and accepting it. What is seen from being involved with the emotions is true, but not satisfying. The second drawing expressed this feeling of dissatisfaction (and helped me get rid of this feeling as I drew it). The third brought me into a deeper state, in which I saw the truth from a deeper perspective. This was satisfying. It is a step in growth. You can do this too, with everything that you feel.

I promised somewhere that simpler ways to look at myself will show up later, and here it is. This is the simplest. You just go on drawing about a situation or a feeling or anything, doing it in an intuitive flow way of course, and this moves you to a better state.

Why is it a better state?

Because there is no struggle in it. There is no trying to change anything. There is acceptance. This is love. Don’t you wish to be loved like this by your parents and friends? No matter what you do, you are accepted, without any need to change anything, just being as you are. Doing this process is practicing giving yourself love by being in a deeper, wiser place and accepting what is truly going on. This acceptance is not conceptual. It is not a result of a decision. It just happens naturally in that state.

I asked about beauty and art in my first post. Here beauty starts to be connected with being in a deeper state, being a witness, loving myself, allowing whatever happens happen. And art starts to be connected to an intuitive flow.

How it all works

So it is time to talk about theory. It will help, I hope. I realize that some people who come to this blog don’t know what I am talking about. It has not been researched. They have never read about this approach in articles in professional journals. There are no numbers here and no statistics. Basically, it is not scientific.

I know, it has been researched quite a bit lately. People have written a lot about it. But this approach nevertheless is still considered to be an outsider thing, for people who are different, maybe more dreamy, maybe too optimistic and unrealistic.

So what I want to say is that I have used this approach with all of my clients, and I have had plenty of them through the years. It is a very practical thing. I worked with prisoners, who were in jail for drug abuse. I worked with what is termed delinquent adolescents, who in my mind are no different than anybody else, and all kinds of populations, as it is being called, and it is just people like me and you. I have even explained all the theory to these people, because it was helpful for their work with the method of intuitive flow. They all understood and used it well. I would like you to use it well too, if it speaks to you. 

I did not know that there was a theory behind what I did, when I worked with the prisoners. But they asked me: What is this good for? Why making art will help me? And I had to answer. They were there because they did something that society considered wrong. I told them that I did not know what is right and what is wrong and I could not help them with these. The only thing that I was interested in was to help them be free. Not free from the walls of the prison but free from their own unknown thoughts and inhibiting beliefs. This they liked. And then the theory came out of my mouth. We all have emotional suffering. When we try to find out why, we always go to the past and find out that there was a good cause for creating a habit of thought that is now disturbing. Then we find that this habit also came about as a result of another habitual belief that we had before. And so it goes deeper and deeper. But if we manage to go all the way to the point of origination of these many layers, we find that it is always one and the same. It is that for some reason a person decided to block his or her intuition. Everything started to go wrong from there. That is why the first thing to do is to open the flow of intuition again. 

So here is the whole theory: Open the gate of intuition. Keep it open. See what happens.

Every part of these is important. Opening the gate of intuition happens automatically when we make art in an intuitive flow way (Look it up on my website). To keep it open we only need to do more of it, so that’s easy. To see what happens we need to be in an intuitive flow and use this state to look anywhere we want. We can look into the subconscious, just to see what is going on there and this is the first step in the work anyway. And we can look into certain emotions that we feel, into people, into blockages, and so on. Just looking in this way is enough for unhinging or uprooting
inhibiting beliefs, for releasing long held emotional attachments, and even better, for experiencing being who we are. 

In most cases it is not enough to do it once. It needs to be done many times. But even having to do it many times, the length of the therapy becomes much shorter than what we know from traditional therapies. Every session becomes very effective and beautiful. Why do anything that is not the most beautiful that we can?

The seesaw of elation and despair

It is always so in growth. You make a step. You feel the freshness of who you are, then the fear comes and grabs you again.

It reminds me of the dance of the principal.

I came to a parent’s meeting in the school of one of my children. We sat at tables that were arranged in an open C shape. In the middle of the opening, not touching any of the sides, was a single table, ready for the principal. Everybody came already and all the seats were taken. More people came than was expected. The last one who came in did not find a seat. Without thinking much he took the principal’s chair, added it to the last table in one of the ends of the C shape, and sat down in it. We all waited. The principal came a bit late. Maybe he wanted to make the point that without him nothing can happen.

He wanted to sit at his table, but there was no chair there. He looked around and saw that there was an empty chair near one of the tables and he could go and sit there. He started walking toward the empty chair, but as he was walking, he had the feeling that something was wrong. He did not want to give up his important position at the head of the congregation. He stopped and turned around toward his table. But there was no chair there, so he turned again toward the place among us. But his sense of importance stopped him again. He did not want to be one of us. He wanted to be the head of us. So he turned toward his desk again, and so he danced there, back and forth, back and forth.

This was the dance of the principal.

When we discover a bit of relief from our inhibiting mental forms, we do the same dance sometimes. We are happy to let go of the burden. But then we remember that this burden was there for a reason. Most probably we decided long ago to install this thought pattern in our mind because it saved us from something fearful. So we too enter into this dance, and like a seesaw we go from happiness to despair, from happiness to despair.

I don’t think I have to elaborate on the meanings in the poem in the last posting. It is clear enough. The most important things are the feelings that came through this work and I can list them here:

Loss of control

Asking for help

Self-pity and self-criticism

Fear

Shame

A wise thing to do would be to release the energy of these emotions, so that they will be weakened. 

But just having gone through this writing, through the next two drawings and through the recognition of what they represent for me, even if I did not write about it, started to have a magical influence. It happens a lot in every process of healing.

Just looking at these subconscious entities, just being in a deeper state and looking, was enough to start them moving. They lost some of their grip on the idea of “me”, and as soon as they started to move and shuffle a bit, some fresh air came in from deep inside of me. It is the wind of who I am , and it was experienced as happiness. A wind of happiness and child like wonder came through me. I experienced wanting to do another drawing and here it is, with the poem that came along with it:  

They dance like autumn leaves

But stay up in the air

As if they’ve learned to fly

By throwing violet lights

At each other.

They grew out from a magical red pain

In my foot.

Whether they are real or not

Is not a question that they ask.

They have been loved

From the beginning

By the good green

As can be evidenced

From the nectar drops

That they carry.

The wind of who I am

And after this there will be a seesaw of elation-despair, elation-despair.

Something strikes me now. In the blue drawing of a man being defined by what he is not, the lines in blue around the body feel like that fear, described in the previous posting. You see? The drawing knew it before me. 

Here is the drawing I at last made, late at night, of what is in the space in the middle, among those blue lines. 

Fear and shame

As soon as I made it I did not like it. It represented some weakness that I did not feel comfortable with. I did another one, which I’ll show here in a small size.

Anger for not moving

When I did this one I felt a little better. But I still did not like it, so I drew another one, which I’ll also show you in a small size, just so that you know what went on and you can have your own thoughts about it. I’ll speak about this last one in the next posting. 

Close and far

I had to have a day pass before I looked at the first drawing in this series again and this time I decided that even though I do not like it, it represents what was going on inside of me when I made it, and it deserves going-in-with-words. Going-in-with-words is not thinking, but the same intuitive process that I did in post number 2.

I moved my eyes over the drawing and collected words that came to me, relating to different parts of it. Here is the list. 

Bubbles

Water plants

Spreading

Holding on

Grabbing

Horns defying

Cane

Please hold my hand

Coming into each other

Hanging

Cripple

Walking together

Close. 

I decided to scramble the words so they will be in a different order. I wanted to go as far as I could from having anything planned. I scrambled them in a way that I’ll explain in another posting, or maybe not. It is not important how you scramble the words. Then, just as in entry number 2, I started making sentences out of the words to see what would come out. I was too tired to finish and it just went with too much effort, so I left it for the next morning. When I came back to it and took a look I immediately felt there were two more words that I would have to add to the list. They were fear and shame. I placed them in the end. Being fresh in the morning, the story or poem was fluently and easily made. In one run through the words it took its shape, and with only a few touchups, this is it: 

My horns grew too wild

And made it hard to move.

Please hold my hand

And pull me out.

I’m crippled

And floating with

Dead water plants.

My parts are bumping into each other

Like pieces of debris

Holding on Instead of letting go.

To walk

I need a cane.

A few bubbles of life still pass through me

Stopping to hang out with each other

Coming close together, like pub friends

Walking slowly in my main street

Grabbing what they can

To make themselves forget

The density

Of fear and shame.

This is long enough now for one posting. We will go on in the next.

The real and the unreal

So I had the gift from Shirley, as mentioned in my previous post. The universe even did more. You should all know this. Once you put your mind into doing something, the universe comes to help in unexpected ways.

I had a conversation with the mother of a teenager who wanted to do therapy. The mother did not want her child to do it. She thought that therapy is dangerous. When I spoke with her I was struck by a feeling that I was talking with a stone-wall. There was no way this woman would listen to anything that came close to emotions or inner life. At night, wondering about the pain in my foot, why? what for? What is the message? I could not forget that conversation I had with the mother. She was like my own mother. I had so much in me that wanted to be recognized by her. I did not have a father from a very young age. She was the only parent I had. I would have given so much just to know that she knew what was crying out to be recognized in me, so I could feel safe to bring it out into the world. Is my pain such a crying out?

Now I would like you to know this:

The most important part of being able to live happily is that who you really are ventures out into the world and makes a good connection. 

I consider this event another gift from the universe. 

The next gift came when circumstances made me aware suddenly of the way I had a general fear at that moment, like a cloud all around me. Instead of knowing where the fear was in my body, I knew how it felt all around me. Did you ever have this happen to you? As if you are more than you body, and the air around you is a part of you? This fear had to do with sex. Yes. So much pain and suffering in the world has been caused by sexual discomforts. I know I am opening a Pandora box here. I can feel the resistance of the people in the world who are afraid of being touched in this area of their lives. It feels like a cloud that closes in on me. It is not a wall. It is the same fear that I described before, coming from others with a bit of hostility.

So here, in this moment, I am giving deep thanks to the universe for what it does to help me heal my foot, through healing my subconscious from thoughts that have injured the flow of my beautiful energy. 

All these happened from the time I had decided to go into the space inside of the blue lines, in the drawing of post #5. All of these happenings were, in a way, like going into that space. But I am going to do it with a drawing too, and just as a reminder I’ll insert that drawing here. 

Defined by what it is not

What hides behind the surface?

Here is an intervention from outside.

I spoke with my friend Shirley this morning. We have been doing it every morning for a few years now, to help each other evolve. Only lately we have reduced our conversations to four times a week. 

This morning, as I described to her what I felt she instructed me to go to a higher state. To say a higher state is the same as saying a deeper state. When you do it a lot, you can just go there by willing it to be, and there are meditation methods in different energy healing systems of how to do it. I did it more or less in the way I learned in Theta Healing. I had to be out of my mind in this way, so that I could look at my body and hear what it says, without my mind interfering. Shirley asked me to find all the places in my body in which I felt anything.

I felt the roof of the mouth tensing.

What does it want to say, Shirley asked?

Water, I said. It says: Water.

Give it love, she said.

And then I said: The back of the neck is pressured.

What does it say, she asked?

It says: Push through! And it says: More! More! More!

She told me to give this part love. I know how to do it and I gave. It is easy. You just decide to give love to anything and this does it. You can find your own words for this.

What else, she asked?

Oh, the upper chest and all around the neck, it says: Not true love from Mom. Not having found the end of the road.

With your mom, she says, you know that you have always been in charge of that feeling? She speaks like a Zen teacher, doesn’t she?

If you don’t resolve it now, it will go on, Shirley said. Mother’s day is coming. You can decide to give your mom the gift of releasing her from the responsibility of how you feel. 

I decided to do it.

I know that I have worked a lot already on forgiving Mom for not loving me as I wanted, for frightening me at times, for making me believe in horrible things, just by behaving in certain ways, without even talking. The truth is she did these things without even knowing consciously that she was doing them. Remember the school-house over the water in a previous posting? When someone decides to do or not to do something, and he does it again and again, it becomes automatic. It sinks into the subconscious and acts there without our knowledge.

It is time to do it.

And you see, this morning’s conversation came at the heels of my decision to go into the figure in the blue drawing of the angers, to find out what is inside of it. I want you to see this: Since I have become ready for a step, my universe is starting to move towards me and bring me experiences in the direction that I chose to go.

This I consider to be a gift and I want to make something clear. The main way I work on resolving the pain issue is through my own method of Intuitive Flow, that you start to see in this blog. This is the main work. And when you work on yourself, things start to happen in your support. I could say no to them. I could say that I work only in my own way. But this would be like saying no to a loving gift. So as you see here and will see in the future, I do receive gifts and I take them and I am very thankful.

Here is a drawing from 5/1/2011.

A person defined by where he is not

I did it at night. I woke up with so much pain and could not sleep. A few days ago I came back from the hospital. A kidney stone had taken me there, but while there it was found that I had a clogged artery on the heart’s wall, which was resolved immediately. But something else has happened too. They have found that there was something that I could take to reduce or even eliminate the pain for a few hours. It is Codein. They gave it to me while in the hospital and I was pain free during most of the nights for the first time in more than five years. I slept wonderfully. You can imagine how it feels to a person who has not had even one night of more than three or four hours of sleep in the last five years. And these hours were always made up of short, one-hour periods at best. Then I saw that I could also take some less of the Codein during the day and I almost did not have pain during the day too. When I came home I had some of these pills and suddenly I could stand in a book store and look at books.

But what about the project? Well, the project is not about eliminating the pain by blocking something in the nervous system. It is about healing. It is about eliminating the emotional reason for the pain, and leaving the nervous system intact. I can do it even when I feel less of the pain. Maybe I even can do more of it. At first, for five years, I refused to help the pain in any other way than the emotional. Now I saw that I can’t live without sleep, so I have to do it with the relief that I have found.

Then came the night of April 29^th. In this night the pain was not affected by taking the Codein and I decided to take a little more. I wanted to sleep. This little more was a bit too much and it turned out to be an overdose.

During the next day I did not take any of it indeed, to allow the body detoxify and in the next night I took only a small dose, which did not do much. So this is the night in which I got up from being awake and with pain and sat down to make the drawing that you see up there at the beginning. 

Just to finish with this entry before it goes too long I’ll say this:I see that there are two sides in the drawing. Shapes from the two sides go at each other, shouting, being angry, biting, fighting, going head to head. This feels like anger and frustration. There is also limpness, a sense of giving up, sadness and heaviness.

It is also possible to say that all the lines come down from one area where they are all entangled. But there are no parts of the bodies of the lines touching each other. Only the heads touch, where thoughts are. Instead of touching with the bodies, there is a space between the two sides, which almost looks like a person. There is someone there. That someone hears the two sides fighting with each other and his own identity almost disappears. He is defined in this drawing only by where there is no fighting. Isn’t this an interesting thing? A person being defined only by the two fighting sides around it? How abut a country? I won’t go there. 

So we have a person there, I am sure. And I never leave things when they have not been resolved by finding the human core inside. The human core for me is where we are all connected not by a thought but by something deeper than this. I never let go before I find the place inside things where we are all one. So this is where this posting ends. I will have to go inside of that person in the middle, between the fighting sides and find out who he is and what is inside of him. This will be in the next post.