intuitiveflow

Old pain picture

 I lie down to sleep and the pain increases. It cannot be ignored and it is impossible to sleep. What can I do now? Every night and every day I ask this question numerous times. There are several things that I can do. There are many actually, but for whatever reason I prefer one of the following possibilities nowadays: 

I can support the pain to make it stronger. I learned this from Lester Levenson, who was a spiritual master. He was dead when I learned it, but one of his books or recordings taught me. Supporting the pain breaks the habit of fighting with it. Fighting never works. It only cerates blockages. When I support the pain, in the night or the day, it gets stronger. I continue to support, and at some point it subsides. When it happens at night I fall asleep and do not even remember how it ended. During the day this approach enables me to do things that increase the pain, like walking and standing. If the pain goes up, I support it even more. I feel that when I do this supporting, the nerves grow into the muscles again and toward the edges of the skin and I start to have more feeling in the skin. Do you know how strange it is to feel the pent sleeve cloth on my calves? 

The second thing is to imagine that my aura grows and grows until it fills the room or the house or the neighborhood, and even, sometimes, encompasses the whole earth. Then I become this aura and experience being that. This puts me into a deeper state, or deeper energy, which is always healing. In most of the times when I do this, during the night or the day, suddenly I become totally relaxed and the pain magically stops. I learned this method from Joshua Bloom, who is an energy healer. He adds more things to do in this state, which help even more, but I always look for the simplest ways.

 The third way is to listen to the emotions when there is pain. The body rejects the pain, but this is an automatic reaction that does not help, because, again, this is a fighting that creates a blockage. I know what you may think: But if I put my hand to the fire, isn’t it good that the pain comes and this automatic reaction causes me to pull my hand back? Yes. It is good. But when you have pain that does not stop, and you cannot pull yourself out from the painful situation, this reaction does not help any more. When I look at the emotions I find fear of the pain; frustration that it is still with me; sadness, as if I did something to deserve this; remorse; wanting help and more. I find the strongest emotional reaction to the pain and concentrate on it. My favorite way to concentrate on an emotion is to find where it is located and create an imagined bubble around it. This bubble, again, is a deeper energy sphere. It allows the emotion to be and to change, of its own accord, just as a child, crying with pain, relaxes when he knows that he is being loved. If I stay long enough with the bubble around the emotion, the emotion disappears. At some point in this process I forget the pain or feel it as a secondary occurrence somewhere, and many times it subsides and I fall asleep, or if it is during the day, I just do what I want to do.

So here you have three ways of dealing with the pain without drawing. Drawing with intuitive flow still remains, in my mind, the strongest and the most beautiful way to accept fully, and at the same time to allow the wonderful wave of wisdom and love, that I call intuition, to wash through everything in your being, including the pain, and change everything. 

What is of interest for me today is the third method, with the emotions, because this is a way, as I have seen, to find the core issue or issues of your life.

Since this writing is already long, I’ll stop here and continue in the next posting.

This is what starts to develop. Every time I feel I need clarity, I go to the paint-box, dip my brush in water and tune in to the innermost me. I don’t know what will come from there, but what comes is always a blessing. Sometimes it tells me what to work on and release. At other times it tells me what is going on in my subconscious, so I know where I am. Many times it is very comforting. It can say: You’re OK. You are in the right direction. It can say: look at this blockage. It needs your attention. It never lies. And slowly I start developing a huge trust and love toward that thing that appears through my listening to intuition. It becomes the best friend, the most loyal, and the one who always, with no fail, gives me the most loving gifts. And as I act on its guidance, my actions in the world become wiser and more loving too. And one day I look back at what I’ve been doing for a while and this time it seems to have been me. I did these things. If you ask me what I believe in, what I stand for, here you have it. Look at what I’ve done. This is when I realize that my intuition is me too. Only it is the deeper and wiser part of me, the part that cannot be measured or proven, but boy, with it I am happy. Without it I am miserable.

This is also when I realize that I have in me, in the bigger, wiser me, all the love I ever could wish for, all the safety I could ever want to have and the fulfillment that is every person’s inborn right. And yes, one day I realize that this immeasurable thing that I cannot know unless I let it act in the world, this is the true me. I am that. I am what is unknown to the thinking mind, but knows so surely and so steadily what to do in every moment.

I am working on the book for an evening and a day and know that I have finished all the text. Now starts the process of bringing all the parts into one continuous file, with all the pictures in place and editing, editing, editing. Then: the publishing. It is a book about this method that I use here on myself. It is a good feeling to know that a big step was done.

I am still in the mood of the last page, in which I show how to find your core issue in a few minutes. I did not know I knew how to do it so clearly. But when you put yourself in a flow things come to you that you did not know you knew. This is how who-you-are unfolds, through action.

This exercise is connected to staying is direct experience, when you let everything happen without the words to explain or relate to it. The core issue emerges on its own trough the body.

And suddenly I feel like drawing.

Repose

And this drawing is so out of the direction I was going towards. It is calm. Here is a sense of repose. Things happen but they do not interfere with each other. Nothing stirs disturbance. It surprises me. I can see that what I have just written is in the picture, but I feel not satisfied. I want to sink into things I do not know. I decide to look at individual shapes and write down what every one of them wants.

I scramble the wants pretty hard. Then the poem almost writes itself.

He plans

To cool the earth

While his baby wants

To knock Mommy down

He wants to flow

But his wife says

To wait and see

He has been practicing

To let be

But ended up

Flying quietly

And sharply poking people

In their hearts

His children want to play

To dream

And to wait for supper

And nobody wants

To be automated

As we are.

Let’s look at the words.

“He plans to cool the earth”

You know that things are not good. You know we have to do something about it. The best that one can do is to be himself/herself, meaning, to allow who-he-is come through his actions. We all need each other as we truly are. 

“His baby wants to knock Mommy down”

This brings up the memory of myself at age three, wanting to have my mother as a lover. Something about it has remained with me as a disturbing feeling. If I go into it in my imagination for a second, it goes into all that I have written in previous entries. 

“He wants to flow but his wife says wait and see”

This is about having given up so many times in my life on what was truly my truth wanting to flow, so that I could secure, so I thought, the love of my mother or wife. What a mistake to make. So I tell myself right now that I forgive myself for having made this mistake so many times. 

Both first parts together mean, for me, that the discomfort and the longing to be loved hold me back from venturing as myself into the world. 

“Practicing to let be” is nothing but taking the words away from experiences and sinking into a quiet state, in which all the multitude of things happen, and non of them disturb the other. 

“Sharply poking people in their hearts,”

has to do with pride. When I get into a giving mode, when I get into the flow of teaching or doing therapy, or I can say, when I get into the flow of who-I-am coming into the world and interacting in the world, people are sometimes being moved to tears. It really touched their hearts (and mine). They discover that they have love in them and something melts away. It is a relief. It is a blessing. But in me there is still the part that wants to be recognized, accepted, appreciated, by whom? By Mommy. Maybe she will love me now? This part feels pride. So right now, because I don’t want to let go of an opportunity, I say OK to the pride and accept it as something that happens. Then I feel the heartache of wanting to be loved, and I say OK to that too. This one has two sides. One side wants to be loved, and it wants that so badly, because it feels it has not been loved. So, naturally, the second side is: But you won’t. That’s an energy blockage. In my imagination, right now, I bring a lot of love from within myself and this love washes this suffering away.

 The rest of the poem is to say that all the suffering is automated behavior. This is the truth, folks. The searching for love that was not given is a habit, residing in the subconscious. After being activated enough times at some point in my life, it became a habit. The subconscious learned it and now does it on its own, without me knowing that it does, except that I feel lack all the time. Doing intuitive flow drawing can bring me to see that habit clearly, when it is time for it to show up. And the mere fact of being in that state of intuitive flow is like washing this habit with love, until it goes and love remains.

One more thing that I learn is that when I am in repose, even things that contain the seeds of disturbance don’t disturb. They seem to be perfect happenings, that had to happen just as they did, with all the other things that happen.

Invitation for the workshop sent; people were interested; two days of organization, to finally find the best day and time for the workshop; calling places that rent out rooms for events like this, deciding on one not because it is cheaper, but because it can give me the room sooner, and when I ask my inner self what is more important it says sooner.

Now the registration has started and I am waiting for people to email me.

I see that the project is being supported by the universe. It is good. It is a good feeling to know that I am, somehow, integrated in the process of growth that is beyond me, and so beautiful. 

There is still a “me” that feels good now. I let this go and stay in peace for a while. 

When I wake up in the morning I am confused again. I can’t shake some feeling of having been so close to horror. Yesterday I had a session in which I felt so close to horror. I had to feel it, so I could navigate the session in ways that bring love into the experience. When the patient left, even thought I could see some change in her, and even though I made sure to disconnect energetically, the experience of being so close to such a struggle somehow stayed with me. Something about it belonged to me too, and I was stirred. 

I put my brush to paint.

Explosive growth on weak legs

 This is what comes to me when I look at it:

There is a lot of struggling in the lower part. There is a tremendous growth in the middle and upper parts. This growth breaks some pieces of blue and they just fly away in all directions. 

In a second look I see that the parts of the brown in the lower part of the picture are weak. They become transparent and almost not there. Now think about all this growth standing on such a weak foundation.

Then I see that the blue in the lower part came to help the brown to have something stable to stand on. Do you see that? That same blue is broken to pieces and expelled in the upper part. To me this tells the story of relying on something that is not totally healthy for me in the beginning, and later on, after realizing that it is not healthy, I kick it away from me. But if I throw out all the blue in the picture, what is left? The weak brown foundation. This tremendous explosion of growth cannot stand on such weak feet. 

It comes to me to go down to the lower part of the picture and learn more about it. Maybe I can fix it into what is best for it to be? And the best way for me to learn what to do is to let intuition do it. So I make another drawing, intending it to clarify for me what has to be done there.

Trust the yellow

First I do the red. It is, as I feel it when I draw, the willing and thinking around this issue. As I draw, I remember that I have to make sure to build a good foundation, but miraculously my hand refuses to do it, so the red remains weak in the lower part of the picture. You don’t see it now, but there was even a break in the connection of the foundation to the body.

It comes to me to use the deep yellow now. For the deep yellow it is not a problem at all to go all the way down and all the way up. This is what I find out when I do the yellow. As I do the yellow I know in myself that the yellow is the spiritual light. I can see how it so easily goes everywhere. This should be my foundation. The red, and the brown in the previous drawings, are the manifested reality, including the thinking mind. The manifested reality and the mind always come from the mind itself. So the mind takes over the direction of creation and pushes it according to its ideals. But it looses touch with the spiritual underlying, all encompassing reality. It deviates and makes its imagination into the life that is being lived.

Then there is the green, which comes after the yellow. For me it feels like the way the earth supports the body, so that the body can discover spirit.

The yellow and the green tell me: Put all your trust in the spirit, and enjoy the support that the earth is giving your body. Make sure you eat well.

You can see how full of effort is the red part and how easily flowing are the yellow and the green. Running your life from thinking is always hard.

The red looks strong and impressive but the yellow and the green have the real power.

So here you have it, my morning conversation with inner guidance.

The invitation to the workshop that was sent in the day of posting 25 bore fruit. People sent me emails, indicating their interest. When I get up today I know it is time to choose a place and a time for the workshop. I’ll look at what days these people preferred and find the best day. There are other things on my table that have to be dealt with and I find myself a bit confused. Something slows me down. I decide to do a drawing and see what is happening in my subconscious, or whatever my intuition will bring me. You can call it the morning conversation with inner guidance.

Here is the drawing.

The dance of the shaman

I collect words from the drawing. This time I don’t look at specific spots. I let the whole drawing speak to me. Here is the list of words and short sentences that come: 

Driven

Magical

Magician

Shaman

Made of the earth

Made of the sky

Including all

Performing for the tribe

Expect healing

Expect growth

Be enchanted 

I see that I can use the words in the order they are. But I prefer to go farther away from what seems so easy. I want the unexpected. I choose a way to scramble the words and with the new order of them I make them into a poem, as usual. 

Be enchanted, because

A magical man

Made of earth

Is dancing.

Expect to heal, because

He is also

Made of sky

We call him Shaman

He is performing for the tribe

Including all

In his closed eyes

And no-face.

He is a magician

Driven from within

Expect to grow.

After reading this I feel encouraged. The place and time for the workshop will be chosen today.

Things are cooking. I wrote that I wanted to investigate the shapes that seemed to be similar in the two drawings of the pain, done with markers and color pencils.

I thought about this several times, and the pain that was relentless called my attention in a stronger way than my intent. But having thought about it and feeling that this was a good thing to do, made it into an intention. And everything that started happening, I feel, had to do with this intention. I am going into these shapes, even without specifically doing it. Just intending makes it happen. 

Yesterday night I was about to listen to a blessing. There is an Indian master (named Trivedi), who has good energy, which he can send to people, and the energy makes their connection to their inner guidance stronger. This is the blessing. I wanted to experience this. 

I had fifteen minutes to wait and I made this drawing. 

Abuse

When I drew it I felt that it had to do with violating a woman. In this life I did not violate anybody. But I had a feeling many times, especially when I went to long term meditations and became connected to different deep states, that I did violate a woman or women in previous lives. It felt terrible. I was shocked by what I thought I did. It felt unforgivable. Nowadays I do a lot of work with women who were abused in childhood and I get to see how much suffering is in it, and how the strong mental programs that abuse makes us create in our minds, keep the same kind of horrible events happening again and again, and stand in the way of the possibility of relief. This is true for both sides, the abused and the abuser. 

Soon after the blessing, a lot of financial matters came up and I had to discuss financial difficulties. And after I slept for two hours the pain came and tortured me for many hours. I paid attention to my feelings. Waves after waves they came from so far away. Anger at myself, fear of punishment, guilt and shame, shock about: how could I do it?! They were not strong. I really had to be in a very subtle listening mode to feel them. I meditated with every one of them, staying with it patiently until it changed into the next one, and then I stayed with the other feeling. 

It seems that four is my hour to get up and do a drawing these days. I did this one, 

Abuse

and this time I knew that it was about a terrible, bloody abuse and it felt as if I did it in some long, long ago lifetime. I never felt it so clear before. 

I decided to draw again, and let my intuition and sense of beauty lead me. The drawing that resulted was a landscape, as you see. 

Flowing barren landscape

 It feels barren, though there are a few trees there and some green far in the imagined space of the picture. It also feels as if everything moves, almost as if the land is water really. And the feeling that I had was about life on earth, that keeps changing, and is bound to lead to suffering, to intensify issues that we do not resolve, and to entrap us in this endless cycle of going up and down, up and down with our luck. 

How do you come out of it? 

Can’t I forgive who I was for doing those terrible things, out of fear, out of not knowing how things work in this world, not understanding that life on earth is a school, in which we get to become free by releasing the hold of mind programs on what we think is us? Can’t I just forgive? I have suffered enough. And I could. I saw myself as someone else, and hugged this terrified fellow, to let him know that he is loved, and of course he is forgiven, and he is myself. But those feelings of horror still came back for hours and I allowed all of them to be. 

Even though the pain continued, I was concentrated on the emotions and did not feel much of the pain, and when I stopped, I saw that the pain subsided. I also knew that I had let go of a lot of emotional suffering. 

All this happened even without drawing or going into the shapes around the pain in those mentioned drawings. The intention to go there made all these things happen for me, to support my work. But without doing the drawings and checking in with my subconscious every day, this would not have happened. So I can still say that the method of intuitive flow is my grounding method and the way I know where I am and what is happening in me. It is my path.   

It is a day of pain, and I can’t but draw it again and again. A series of three is made and I have them here for you, with the going-in-with-words.

Pain

Cry out my boy

Cry out

Dark and sharp is the world for you these days

Shout that it hurts

And sharp as broken glass

Cry out

We are eating up your hope

Cry out.

Then this:

Pain

The world is pain

From the background of white pain

Comes red pain

And black pain

And pus. 

Then, even though the pain was still crazy, I calmed down in a strange way and did this, not knowing what it is of course.

The old man gets a hint

 And the words:

The mountain

Speaks to the eagle

About the old man

In winter

For whom

The memories of springs past

And of the fields

Of true blessing

Are like the grace

Of a heavy bough

Softly touching his shoulder

To give him a hint.

In this last one and its words my attitude toward the pain changed, on its own, to grace, love and gratitude. Intuition changed it. It is a good change and could not be done by thinking. That’s why it is a good idea to let intuition come again and again to the same issue and give it its gifts of clarity and of acceptance. Having said this I’ll tell you more. It feels that something has calmed down and some clarity manifested. But what is this clarity about, I do not know. 

After this I went to the sofa in the living room and cried bitterly. It was a strange crying. I did not know why I cried. It felt as if it was for something that was so old and far and I was inconsolable.

I am taking the car to the repair shop. I wait for the mechanics to finish, sitting in a café nearby. I have my paints with me.

This is what comes out:

What is around the pain?

And the words follow quite easily:

Open the sky, my friend

Do you see the burning earth energy

As it hurts and shakes the foundations of your hopes?

I am who I am

Yes, and there is more to come

You’ll be reminded of the death of the flesh

It dies as old memories

Come closer, look and wonder

It is time to venture into the freshness

I am making it hurt more

For the time being

Be

A blessed being. 

Now something strikes me. The two drawings that I did with markers and colored pencils have a lot in common. They have the pain in the left. They have a different kind of space opened, They have shapes delineated with grey lines, They have something green in them, They have dark shapes floating in the space, and there is a lot of movement in them. And now I remember the first drawing of the pain in this blog. Remember the green, which seemed to be the only positive thing happening there? (Posting # 19, second drawing) Something is cooking here, friends. It is time to investigate deeper. Wait for the next posting.

Another 4 in the morning. It is a harder night for me and I have already woken up many times. I just feel like doing a drawing. This time I use the watercolors. It goes pretty fast till get the feeling that I have to stop.

Its power is ending

I collect some words and go back to bed. In the morning, before everything else the poem is made, and later a few touchups are added:

The group

Of sharp, short and spiky actors

Is growing small.

They have no more

Long term power.

This happened once and now it’s gone

Disappearing at the horizon

Like an ancient script

That tells of killings

And of horrors.

They were beautiful to tell

With heroes and villains

But we have to live

A different life

Now.

It is 4 o’clock in the morning, dark all around and I have been awake for a while by the pain. I feel the need to draw. I go to my table and turn on the light. The markers and pencils are there. Sometimes I prefer to use markers to draw the pain as they works better for describing the shock waves and currents, which are the texture of this pain.

I feel attracted to the left side of the paper, and as I start describing the waves, I am compelled to go left more and more, until the pain goes out. This was surprising. Does it mean that the pain is on its way to leave me?

I let my sense of beauty come in now. I add the way I feel in my stomach when the pain is as it is. I add three grey shapes that I don’t know what they are. I feel they are some kind of presences. At that moment I break the mental grasp of the space in which the pain happens. The experience of pain shifts from the physical three dimensions to a part in an energetic experience whose space is not the same. Into this non-physical space I add the way my hand tenses when the pain is as it is. Then sitting silhouettes appear, floating in the energy space.

The pain goes out

The process that I just described is how I shift from doing a specific description of a physical experience to opening up to a mystical, non physical space. This is it, folks. This is the way to shift from suffering to witnessing and from fear to wonder. Just by trusting and following your sense of beauty. The pain is still there, but it is a phenomenon in a mystical space. It is not so hard to do. And while I am in that state, my body fills with healing energy. I feel how my body relaxes, and before long, the pain subsides.